A Flaw So Beautiful

by Alora Kate

  But I knew that already. Right?

  I slid the first chain. Linc heard it and stepped to the door. I slid the second one. I’m really doing this. My hands still shook, but I pushed myself to slide the third chain. He was really going to be in my apartment. Again.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I told him gripping the deadbolt. I stopped watching him and leaned my forehead on the door.

  “Please, Ashton. Please let me in.” He sounded sad and kind of desperate.

  I don’t like it when you’re sad.

  I stomped my foot like a child and gritted my teeth. I just needed to do it.

  Push.

  Push.

  Push.

  I turned the lock as fast as I could before I could stop myself. Linc was barely inside when he pulled me to his chest with one arm. He pushed the door closed with the other one, locked the deadbolt, slid the three chains, then wrapped his other arm around me.

  “I’m sorry, Ashton.” I was smothered into his chest. I had my arms at my sides and hadn’t moved. “Are you breathing, Ashton? Do I need to let you go?”

  Please don’t go.

  I shook my head no, and slowly slid my arms around him.

  My breathing wasn’t normal, but it was better than I expected. Linc’s warmth was like a second embrace, and I felt myself relaxing into him. He smelled like berries.

  “Why do you smell like berries?”

  He chuckled. “Nat. I swear she has hundreds of candles lit all the time.” He was rubbing my back again and I closed my eyes, soaking in his warmth and berries. “I’m sorry if it was too much, but at the same time, I’m not. I wanted you to know.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say, or think, so I shut down and enjoyed the peace I felt from him. Peace. Calm. Something no one has ever given me.

  “Ashton, please say something.”

  I tipped my head back but kept it against his chest. “Would you like to watch a movie?” I whispered while my heartbeat thumped in my ears.

  “I’d love to, Ash.”

  I gulped or swallowed or maybe I made a funny noise because his forehead wrinkled up. “Is that okay? That I call you Ash?” he asked and I slid my head back down so I couldn’t look at his face. He looked like he was in pain, like I had rejected that simple request when I wasn’t even sure how to answer.

  No one’s called me Ash in a long time. The Ash I was, that I used to know, didn’t exist anymore. She was taken at fifteen. She was tortured, tormented, shattered, lost, gone. Ash’s memories were gone; lost and hidden in the darkness.

  Ash was gone.

  But I wanted to find her again.

  I sighed and pushed away from him. “It’s fine. I um…” I grabbed my arm, the bad one, and felt my bandage again. I closed my eyes.

  Push it away.

  “Movie,” I said as I turned and walked to the couch. I sat on the far end and pulled my legs to my chest. Resting my chin on the top of my knee, I asked Linc to pick a movie before he sat down.

  He kneeled to the bookcase where the movies were and started looking through them.

  “It’s not much,” I said. “I hope you can find one you’ll like.”

  He glanced at me. “I don’t care what movie it is, Ash.” He randomly grabbed one. “It’s who I’m watching it with.”

  My belly twisted up in knots, and as brief as it was, I knew I liked it.

  I knew it meant something good.

  Lincoln

  I had no clue what movie I grabbed and I sure as hell didn’t care. For a few seconds, I thought she was going to break down when I called her Ash, but she didn’t. It slipped out without me thinking anything of it.

  I wasn’t even paying attention to the movie; I had no clue what it was about because I was nervous for some reason. I’ve never been nervous around her. I’m not sure what my deal is but my leg’s been bouncing like crazy and I keep rubbing my hands on my jeans because I was sweating.

  Ash, on the other hand, was curled up in the corner of the couch with her legs against her chest. She still wore her sunglasses, and her cheek rested on her knee.

  Her windows in the living room were covered with the same heavy curtains that were in her bedroom. It’s the middle of the day, I know the sun is shining bright, but it feels like it's ten p.m. in here. Thick dark curtains, her sunglasses, the covered mirror in the bathroom…it all tells me that she’s hiding. And not only is she hiding from the outside world and other people, but she seems to be hiding from herself.

  “Ash.”

  Without moving, she replies quietly, “Ya?”

  “Can I touch you?”

  That got a reaction. Fuck, I’m such a dumbass. Even with the glasses, I could tell her eyes got big and her lips parted as she sucked in a breath of air.

  “That sounded bad.” I laughed at myself as I closed my eyes and dropped my head in my hands. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous today.”

  “You’re nervous?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” she asked a bit confused.

  I twisted on the couch and turned towards her. “Not sure and I’m sorry about how that question came out. I guess I was hoping maybe, I don’t know,” I shrugged my shoulders, “you’d sit closer to me.”

  And now I’m shy?

  She tensed a little bit as she said, “Oh.”

  “It’s just after that night in your bed … again that sounded wrong … I just like the feel of you in my arms. I like holding you.” I sighed. “This isn’t making any sense. I-”

  She held her hand up so I stopped my rambling. “I think I get what you’re saying, Lincoln.” She swallowed then lowered her voice, “I liked it.”

  I swear she started blushing.

  “Maybe I’m nervous because we’re finally hanging out.”

  She huffed. “Watching a movie.”

  “I’m not really watching it,” I confessed.

  “Me either,” she whispered and noticed she gripped her legs tighter.

  “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable Ash, so at any time, please tell me if I am or ask me to leave. That’s the last thing I want to do.” She nodded without looking at me. “So can I ask what you’re thinking about since you’re not paying attention to the movie?”

  She thought about it for a few minutes then finally looked back at me. I was still sitting sideways on the couch because honestly, I did not want to stop looking at her. I could look at her all day, every day.

  “You really want to be my friend?”

  “Yes.”

  “And get to know me?’

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  I didn’t think, I just moved and sat right in front of her. I pried her arms from her legs, which she had a death grip on and to my surprise, she put her legs down on her own. She slipped both arms around my waist and mumbled something as she laid her head on my chest. I took a deep breath in and I could smell that she also smelled like berries.

  It must be her shampoo.

  “Much better,” I murmured. “This okay?”

  “I’m okay.” She tilted her head back and I looked down at her. I could see the outline of her eyes, but the glasses were just too damn dark so see anything else. I wanted to rip them off her already.

  “Will you, um…” she hesitated. “I go somewhere on Monday mornings.”

  I already knew that. “Okay…”

  “Every Monday and,” she dropped her forehead to my chest and took a deep breath in, “willyoucomenextmondaywithme?”

  I could not help but laugh a little. “It’s cute when you’re shy, Ash.”

  “I’m not cute,” she said digging her hands into my skin.

  I ignored her because she was cute. “You want me to go somewhere Monday?”

  She nodded. “Don’t get too excited. It’s not what you think.”

  “I’ll keep an open mind.”

  “Please do.”

  “I won’t
judge or make fun of you,” I promised.

  Her fingers were pressing into my skin harder, but it didn’t hurt. She wasn’t running away; she wasn’t gasping for air.

  She sighed and looked away from me. “I see a therapist every Monday. Six years now. She thinks that it would help me do this whole friend thing with you … like, help me talk to you and stuff. Be more comfortable around you I guess. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid, but it helped when Mike came with me, then my parents. It was her idea. I mean-”

  “I’d love to go.”

  She sat up. “Really?”

  I put my hand behind her neck and wished they could get tangled up in her soft hair.

  “I used to see one myself.”

  “You did,” she breathed out. “Nothing is wrong with you.”

  “Nothing’s wrong with you, Ash.”

  “You don’t know that,” she warned me.

  It was time for me to share.

  Open up.

  Tell her what I did.

  “Remember I told you my dad passed away?” She nodded her head against my chest. “I killed him, Ash.”

  She scrambled away so fast that she fell off the couch.

  “Shit,” I muttered.

  “Stay away from me!” she shrieked and backed up until she hit the wall.

  “Not like that.”

  “Leave.”

  “It was an accident!”

  She said nothing.

  “An accident Ashton. I’m sorry, sometimes I don’t think before I speak.”

  I can’t get my words right tonight.

  I felt sick to my stomach but stayed on the couch and told her my story. “I was fifteen. Just got my learners permit. I begged my dad to take me out driving one night after dinner, so he did. He hardly said no to us kids. He was such a good dad, and I miss him every day.” She didn’t move or say anything, so I kept going, “We were on a dirt road that we’d been on several times prior to that day when it started to rain, so we turned around and headed home. I wasn’t going that fast or my dad would have said something. A deer darted out from the field, and I swerved to miss it. I lost all control of the truck, slid off the road and into a ditch. I was knocked out, so I don’t remember anything until I woke up at the hospital. I learned then that the truck had rolled a few times. My dad was dead by the time the paramedics arrived.”

  “Oh Lincoln,” she whispered and slowly made her way back to the couch. I moved so she’d have her space. She reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I’m fine now. I dealt with it. Not very good in the beginning but Nat and my mom helped me through it. That’s why I saw the therapist.”

  She reached her hand out to me and I took it. “I’m glad you’re doing better now. Even though I don’t know your dad, I know he doesn’t blame you.”

  “Thank you.”

  We both stared at our hands, and slowly she moved closer to me. “I’m not being rude, but you have to leave at four.”

  “I’ll do whatever you ask.”

  She leaned over and grabbed the remote off the coffee table and restarted the movie. Sitting next to me the entire time. It was one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt in my life.

  Chapter 11 - Lincoln

  I still had no clue what movie we watched as I walked back into my apartment. I locked the door and turned around to find Nat standing right in front of me.

  “Jesus Christ.” It scared the shit out of me, but I didn’t scream; I’m a guy after all, though I may have jumped a little.

  She was still wearing her pajamas, hair in a ponytail, and no makeup on.

  Did she just roll out of bed?

  “I’ve been waiting forever, Linc. How did it go?” She kept asking questions as I walked into the kitchen. “What did you do? Most importantly, what did the two of you talk about? Did she wear those gorgeous sunglasses again? I need to ask her where she got them; I need a pair.”

  I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and started drinking it while leaning against the counter.

  Nat didn’t stop. “Come on, Linc! Tell me,” she whined. “I’m dying here. Seriously.” She dragged out seriously and was now standing right in front of me. “I’ve been waiting hours for you to come back and give me the deets.” She had way too much energy to be dying. I wondered if she’s been drinking pop again. Pop always made her hyper. Just the smell of it would make her relentless.

  I quit drinking my water to ask, “Deets?”

  “Details,” she informed me, hands on her hips. “Deets, for short. Spill it Linc, I can’t take it anymore.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “We watched a movie.” I tipped my head back to finish off the water and Nat’s smile died.

  “Really? You’re not getting away with,” she held her hands up and did the fingers quotes, “We watched a movie shit. Now tell me something!”

  She’ll never leave me alone, so I told her something. “I told her about Dad.” I saw her jaw dropped and I mentioned, “Not all of it but the accident part.” I walked over and tossed the bottle in the trash only to have Nat come up behind me and take it out.

  “We recycle now,” she informed me. “Plastic under the sink.” She opened the cupboard and gave me her best Vanna White impression showing off the small green container under the sink. She dropped it in the bin as I walked away.

  “That’s it?” she asked following me through the living room. “Did she share anything with you? You never mentioned the glasses.”

  Fuck she was nosy. But I know she means well. I’ve shared everything with Nat so far, but it’s not my place to tell her about next Monday. “Yes, that’s about it.”

  She stomped her foot and I laughed. “Don’t act like a baby, Nat,” I teased. “Why are you still in your pajamas?”

  She huffed and walked down the hallway. “Tank top. Shorts. Not fucking pajamas,” she clipped out then I heard her bedroom door shut. Poor Nat.

  I had nothing to do the rest of the day. No work, no errands to run, and I was already bored. I wanted to get up and go back to Ashton’s place. Maybe cook her dinner and pretend to watch another movie. Simple enough and sounded much better than what I planned to do, which was nothing. I laid on the couch, grabbed the remote, and started flipping through the channels.

  I heard a door open, Nat yelled down the hallway, “You’re not off the hook, Linc!” Then I heard another door shut and the shower turned on.

  My sister was always focused; goal orientated and liked a challenge. She was smart, funny, and stubborn to say the least. She graduated high school early, same with college, and she sent out resumes daily. Any company would be lucky to have her.

  My phone rang and I tossed the remote down. I answered and heard my mom talking to someone else. “Yes dear, I’d love another.”

  “Mom?”

  “Oh hey, Lincoln you answered. Good.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Honey, I don’t have much time before Phil comes back.”

  I sat up. “Phil?”

  She giggled and got quiet. “I told you I was on a singles cruise, honey.”

  “Yeah Mom, you did,” I said with a smile. She was just too darn cute. She was on a cruise for singles and everyone knew they are on a cruise for singles, but she whispered it. I think she covered the phone with her hand also.

  “Right. Listen Linc, and make sure to tell Nat also. Saves me a phone call.”

  “Okay,” I slipped in.

  “I’ll be home next week and if things go accordingly, I won’t be alone. I’m stopping by the city. Might stay a day or two. Visit, shop, you know, so we can all get to know each other.”

  “Really?”

  She got quiet again. “I haven’t laughed this much in years. Your dad…” she trailed off, and I knew what she meant. It’s been ten years; she’s ready to move on.

  “Nat and I want you to be happy, Mom.”


  “Thank you, Lincoln.”

  “No thanks needed, Mom. We love you.”

  “Love you more than life itself. Okay, he’s coming back. We’re in Margarita Ville honey; well at least here on the boat that’s what we call it.” She giggled again. “I gotta go. I’ll call next week.”

  “Okay, Mo-”

  She hung up.

  I know she’ll always love Dad but she deserves to be happy. I also know she never blamed me. Not once. She’s an amazing mom, always giving, never selfish. I hope this Phil guy knows how lucky he is.

  I tossed my phone down and sat up on the couch.

  I was still bored.

  I looked at my front door debating my next move. I already missed her. Her smell, her touch, and the way she seemed to fit perfectly into my side. I wanted more and was almost off the couch when Nick burst through the door.

  “Hey fucker!” echoed throughout the apartment and I heard a thud from down the hallway, but Nick fell beside me on the couch so I dismissed the noise.

  “You can’t knock?”

  “It was unlocked.”

  “Obviously, but you didn’t even knock first.”

  “What’re we watching?” He nodded to the TV.

  I dropped the whole knocking bit, it was pointless.

  “Nothing.” I tossed the remote to him. “Pick something.”

  Not ten seconds later the bathroom door opened and Nat walked out, in a towel. A fucking towel! She took the ten steps or so to the end of the hallway, eyes on Nick the whole time and said, “Hey Nick, I didn’t know you were stopping by.” She didn’t, but she was happy he did. Her cheeks looked flushed, not sure if it was from the hot shower or because she was standing in the living room, in a fucking towel, soaking wet!

  “Nat,” I warned.

  She flashed a quick look my way then back to Nick. I also looked at Nick. The look on his face, the one I’ve seen him give plenty of women over the years, was not the way I wanted him looking at my sister. He was smiling, his eyes raking up and down her body; it was gross.

  “Nat, I couldn’t have picked a better fucking time to stop by.”

  “Really?” she asked, sweet and innocently when she wasn’t. She heard him come in. She didn’t even try to go back to her room.