A Flaw So Beautiful

by Alora Kate

  He was smiling at me!

  What the hell does he keep looking at?

  Suzanne finally spoke up, “Well?”

  “I think I know the answer to my question,” he said. “Besides, I don’t want to push her. You know, cause a panic attack.”

  “That’s nice Lincoln, sweet even, but it’s okay. We’re doing this new thing now, right Ashton?”

  I huffed.

  “Push, push, push,” Suzanne mocked.

  “I have a question,” I said totally ignoring her.

  This room gave me the strength and power I wish I could have all the time. One hour each week I felt strong and brave. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because of Suzanne or maybe it’s because I’m fucked up, but a part of me still lives in that damn room. Trapped. I guess maybe a part of me lives in this room also. That part I want to keep with me at all times.

  “Why are you nice to me?” I asked him and watched as a confused scrunched up face replaced his smile.

  “I already told you.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I like you.”

  I dropped my legs to the floor. “Why do you like me, Linc? I still don’t get it. I’m fucked up. I barely talk to you. You barely know me, and that might not ever change. You might not ever know who I really am.”

  “Ashton,” Suzanne warned. “I said all things go, but you don’t have to be a bitch.”

  “You called me a bitch!”

  “I wasn’t lying.”

  She wasn’t lying, I was being a bitch.

  Why me?

  Why me?

  Why me?

  “It’s hard to explain,” Lincoln said. “I’m drawn to you, like a connection of sorts, and I like it. I want to explore these feeling.” There was a pause when he looked at me but this time, he wasn’t smiling. “I know my question.”

  Oh God.

  This was it.

  The world just might end with this one question.

  “Will you ever let me see you without your glasses?”

  Yes.

  Could I trust him?

  Could he handle the real me?

  My real life?

  My experiences.

  The pain.

  The heartache.

  Do I want more?

  “Ashton?” I finally broke eye contact with Lincoln and slowly turned my head toward her.

  My body relaxed while I spoke, “I’m afraid I’d lose what little piece of him I have.”

  Lincoln let out a sigh, and both of us turned to him.

  “I’d take a bullet for you.”

  “What?” I asked breathlessly.

  “I’d take a bullet for you. Push you out of the way of a moving vehicle … I guess what I’m trying to say is that … I’ll protect you. I’ll take care of you.” I believed him. “You have no reason to be afraid of me. I found out a long time ago that life was too short. I have a feeling I was waiting for you because I swear to God I can’t stop thinking about you. I love the way you make me feel when I’m around you, and even when you’re not around, I love the feeling I get when I think of you. Everything I know so far, none of it scares me nor does it make me want to walk away from you. I want to know everything, Ash.”

  I felt a tear fall down my cheek. Lincoln’s bright blue eyes were hopeful as he patiently waited for me to say something. “If you let me in, I promise you, you won’t regret it.”

  I felt another tear fall as a pain tugged at my heart. I’ve never felt something like this before. We continued our silent stare down. The entire room was in complete silence except for the sound of my heartbeat drumming inside me, consuming me completely.

  Lincoln slowly slid across the middle cushion of the couch until our thighs touched. “Do you trust me?” he asked softly but I was more focused on his blue eyes. The longer I looked, the clearer they seemed, framed by dark, long eyelashes.

  How did I not know this already?

  I scanned the rest of his face. A short piece of hair fell on his forehead. The color was something I never saw before: a mixture of blondes, browns, and honey. He needed to shave, or maybe he liked having a thin coat of facial hair on his face. He was tan, probably because he’s outside running a lot and I must say, he was gorgeous.

  He was a gorgeous man.

  Beautiful.

  Handsome.

  What was going on?

  Something’s happening to me.

  Lincoln reached up slowly, and put his hand on the side of my head, gripping my glasses lightly in his hands.

  More tears fell as his hands got closer.

  “Ash.” One word. One sweet word and it meant everything to me at that moment. I said nothing, cried harder, and dug my fingers into my side.

  There was no going back after this.

  He slid my glasses off slowly and I kept my eyes closed. The one thing I couldn’t handle was the look on his face when he saw me for the first time. That was something I could never forget, a memory I would not want for the rest of my life.

  I’m not sure how long I sat there with my eyes closed but the room remained silent and I haven’t felt him move at all.

  My heart hurt.

  My eyes hurt.

  My whole body hurt with rejection.

  “You’re doing great, Ashton,” Suzanne boasted.

  I slowly opened my eyes until I saw his sparkling bright blue eyes staring back at me. He was smiling at me. The same kind of smile he always gives me but this time, it was more than just a smile. There was something behind the smile combined with the sparkle of his eyes, and it was comforting.

  No pity.

  Not one ounce of pity.

  The words fell from my mouth without a thought. “The first time the Devil attacked me he took the sight from my right eye. He hit me so many times in the face I lost track and blacked out. I woke up, days later, in a white room with bandages over most of my face. I haven’t been able to see out of my right eye since.”

  “I haven’t looked at myself in six years, Linc. That isn’t normal. I’m not normal.” I shook my head. “There are more. More scars. Some from him, some I did myself.” I just kept talking, not making much sense at all. “I found the darkness, embraced it and spent most of my time there hiding from him. Every time he came to visit me, I left. I went into the darkness so I couldn’t feel what he was doing to me or my body. I didn’t want to remember. It was like turning a light switch on and off.”

  “I hate him for what he did to me. I hate that he’s still fucking controlling me and I’m letting him. I’m still letting that sick son of a bitch control me. I fucking hate it! But it’s not enough. It’s not enough because I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop the way I’m living my life and the worst part of it is, that I can’t explain it. So how can I stop doing something I can’t even explain? The way I feel, the way I think, why I do this stupid shit every day, I just don’t know. I’m so fucked up and lost inside myself I’m surprised I’m even functioning at all.”

  Lincoln scooted closer and cradled my head in his hands. His thumbs wiped under my eyes and him feeling my scars for the first time made me cringe.

  “Ash, they’re battle scars.”

  “Huh?”

  “You went to war with the Devil. You fought. You survived. Those are your battle scars Ash, and they don’t take away from your beauty.”

  I stood and pulled my shirt up. “What about these, Lincoln?” I choked up. “You still think I’m beautiful?” I asked and refuse to let him answer. “The Devil got me pregnant, but I was so malnourished that I didn’t know I was pregnant until I felt the baby kicking inside of me. There was no way to hide it from him. The moment he figured it out, he beat the shit out of me until I passed out. I woke up days later with a mutilated stomach from where he cut me open and killed my baby. I should have died but I wasn’t so lucky.”

  Lincoln’s eyes were full of tears, and as one slipped down his cheek, he stood and said, “Everyth
ing about you is beautiful, Ash. Those scars are on the outside. Stop letting them leak inside and ruin you.”

  I kind of understand the whole ‘being drawn to you thing’ now. There was something about the way he was looking at me. Like he had a secret that he wasn’t going to share.

  Indescribable.

  This feeling in my heart was indescribable.

  You like it.

  “I want to be the person that you need because honestly Ash, you’re already the person that I need.”

  I heard a sniff and turned to Suzanne. She had a tissue in her hand dabbing her eyes, but my focus went to her hair. It was blonde. Which I already knew, but it’s really blonde. Like almost white. A few bangs fell sideways across her forehead, and the rest was piled high on her head in a bun.

  Did she do something to her hair?

  She dropped the tissue and put her glasses back on and looked at me. My jaw dropped and my eyes grew the size of a Frisbee. Her eyes were green. Striking and solid. She was pretty, so pretty that I thought she could be a model.

  Jesus, she barely looked twenty-five.

  She smiled at me, with apprehension on her face and that’s when I noticed it.

  A scar. It was faded, not fresh, but I saw it.

  I walked around the coffee table and sat on it, so I was face to face with her.

  The scar ran from her left temple down to the tip of her jaw. Even though it was faded, clearly anyone looking at her would notice that scar.

  You can’t not see it.

  What. The. Fuck.

  “What the fuck, Suzanne.” I pointed to her face. “When did that happen? Or am I seeing things? I mean, surely I’d notice that before today.”

  She dropped her notebook on the floor and leaned forward. “I’ve been waiting six years for this day, Ashton.”

  “What does that even mean, Suzanne!”

  Did she betray me?

  Six years! No one said anything for six years about the fact that my therapist and I both have facial scars.

  Did everyone lie to me?

  “You live in your own world, Ash.”

  “You lied to me?”

  “No one lied to you.”

  “I’m confused.”

  She reached out and grabbed my hands. “In your world Ash, you only see what you want to see. Even if we would have mentioned it, I doubt you’d see it anyway.”

  Her scar didn’t take away her vision, but it still had to have hurt. I wonder what happened to her? Who did that to her? Does she think of that person as the Devil also? Do people have their own Devils? Demons?

  “Do you remember the first time we met?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “You’re the first person that looked at me differently. You and I have more in common than you’ll ever know. It was refreshing to have someone look at me like I was normal, like there wasn’t a huge scar that ran down my face.”

  I huffed, “Normal.”

  “Normal.” She smiled. “You weren’t ready then, and you haven’t been. Until now.” She nodded towards Lincoln. “I told you this would be good for you.”

  “Why are you always right?”

  She shrugged her shoulder.

  “Why do I feel like I’ve been lied to? My parents and Mike have both met you.”

  I stood up and went behind the couch, Lincoln watched me the whole way. I saw my glasses on the coffee table and started to pace. “Someone should have told me. Don’t you think this would have helped me a long time ago? I mean, maybe I could have gotten my shit together sooner!”

  “Ashton, things like this take time. Why do you think I keep pushing you? This had to happen on your own terms. You weren’t ready.”

  I put my hands up in the air and closed my eyes. I inhaled and exhaled.

  I dropped them to my side. “You don’t know that because you never did it. No one did.” My parents were gone but not my brother. “I feel betrayed and lied to for a reason.”

  “The more you think about it, the more you’ll come to understand that this was what was best for you. I can’t change how you feel, so if you feel that we lied or betrayed you, I’m sorry. That wasn’t our intention.”

  “The truth would have been best for me.” I walked over to the coffee table and grabbed my glasses.

  “Ash?” Lincoln questioned but my focus was on her.

  “I’m done,” I snapped at Suzanne. I was out of here.

  “Please don’t leave, Ashton,” Suzanne said behind me. My steps quickened.

  “You’re allowed to feel this way!” she yelled one last time.

  Hell yes, I’m allowed to feel this way.

  I slipped my flip flops off as soon as I hit the pavement outside of the office and started to run. Lincoln was next to me within seconds and stayed by my side. Running was his thing, not mine. By the time I got to the apartment building, my muscles were on fire and I started to cramp up.

  But I didn’t care.

  I was on a mission.

  I ran up the stairs to the top floor and started pounding on Mike’s door.

  “Mike! Open up.”

  Lincoln followed me. “Ash, I know this is a lot to deal with, but you’re going to be okay.”

  I ignored him again.

  There was only one person I wanted to talk to.

  “Mike!”

  The door flew open and the only thing he was wearing was shorts. “Ashton, what’s going on? Why-”

  I took my glasses off so he could see me glare at him and I jabbed him in the chest. “You asshole!”

  “What the hell is going on?” He glanced between Lincoln and me. “Your glasses-”

  “Suzanne has a scar, Mike. Did you know that? Did you know she has a fucking scar on her face!” I didn’t let him answer. I kept pushing him back into his apartment with both hands on his chest. “Of course you did! It’s hard to miss, but for some fucked up reason, I NEVER saw it. I never saw it until today, Mike!”

  “When we met her-”

  “You’re my brother Mike, my brother!” It was too late for an explanation. “Someone should have told me. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately.” I tossed an arm Lincoln’s way. “He has bright blue eyes, the most incredible color blue I’ve ever seen. Did you know that I never knew that until today? I’ve never seen him. I’ve never seen Suzanne.” I shook my head. “I’m so fucked up.” I spun around to leave, and Mike grabbed my arm. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” I bit out and pulled away.

  “Mike honey, what’s going on?”

  I turned around to see a woman with dark black hair standing by the hallway in my brother’s gray t-shirt. Just his gray t-shirt; I knew it was his because my mom had bought it for him the last Christmas we spent together.

  “Who are you?” I asked.

  She crossed her arms full of attitude but stopped herself immediately. She saw me. The real me. And she looked like she was going to puke.

  I pointed at her. “That look, Mike. The one your pretty little girlfriend has on her face. That’s how you, Mom, Dad, the doctors and nurses - that’s how everyone looks at me. I hate that fucking look. Pity. She feels sorry for me. She probably thinks I’m some kind of freak or that I did this to myself.”

  “Hey-” she tried to talk.

  “Rox-” Mike cut her off.

  “You lied to me, Mike!” I yelled to shut them both up.

  “I didn’t fucking lie,” he said slowly through a tight jaw.

  “Yes. You. Did.” I spun around and smacked right into Linc. I pushed off him and ran down the hallway listening to my brother and Lincoln yelling my name.

  “Ash!”

  I needed to get out of there.

  I needed space.

  I needed to breathe.

  Lincoln caught up to me at my door while I fumbled with my keys as the tears fell fast.

  “Let me help you, Ash,” Lincoln said and reached for my keys. I let
him open the door, and he tried to follow me in.

  I put my hand up to stop him. “No, I can’t Linc. I’m sorry.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I need some time. Space.”

  “I’m across the hall or a phone call away, Ash.” He pulled me into a hug and I let him. I melted into his arms; he smelled so good, the warmth from him covered me like a blanket. “I mean it, Ash.” He kissed the top of my head. “You just let me in. Please, don’t push me out at the same time.”

  “I need to be alone.”

  “Alright, I’ll let you go.” He hesitated for a few minutes then let me go.

  Lincoln

  I didn’t see or hear from Ashton for two days.

  Chapter 13 - Lincoln

  The pounding on the door woke me up from my nap. Sometimes, when I’m lucky I can sneak in an hour or two during the day which helps balance out my four-hour nights. I moan in frustration but force myself off the couch and slowly head to the door.

  If it’s Nick, I’m slamming the door in his face.

  If it’s Ash, I’m swooping her up in my arms and never letting her go.

  I open the door to find Mike. “What’s up?” This is the second time he’s been here. I’m sure for the same reason as the last time— Ash. She’s ignoring him for a reason. I don’t blame her, but I can see it from both sides, I’m trying to stay out of it and let them work it out on their own.

  “Sorry to bother you again but have you heard from her since yesterday?” He had his phone in one hand and the other resting on a hip

  “No man. Like I said yesterday, she just needs some time.”

  I needed time to process the shit she told me. I wish I knew who this Devil person was that did those horrible, unspeakable things to her so I could pay him a visit. I hoped he was already rotting in hell like he deserved.

  “Fuck!” He stormed off to Ashton’s door and started pounding on it. “Ashton! Open the fucking door!” He pounded some more, and I walked over to help because I’m here for her, no matter what. He’s hitting the door harder each time his fist connects with it.

  “Are you really that worried about her?”

  Maybe giving her space wasn’t the right thing to do.

  “I haven’t heard from her in two days. I know she’s pissed, but this isn’t right.” He pounded a few more times on her door. He dropped his voice, “I just have a bad feeling.” He really was worried about her. He started pounding again. “Ashton!”