Finding Serenity

by Amanda Perry

  My hands come to rest on his chest, and I savor the strong muscle under his tight gray shirt. He slowly lowers his mouth to mine. When our lips meet, he takes control and uses his grip on the sides of my face to hold me to him while he kisses me slowly, softly, and thoroughly.

  By the time we break away, we both have a hard time catching our breath.

  The sound of Marak’s shouts for Allistar to hurry up or they’ll be late for work breaks us apart. With my belly in a giant knot full of guilt, I rush past him and down the stairs. He calls my name quietly, but I can’t bring myself to face him.

  My life would be way easier if I could simply control my stupid heart and body around the four of them.

  Six days pass and I manage to successfully avoid Marak, Allistar, Maverick, and Syn. It turns into a lot of time spent in my room, alone. Something I’m not fond of, but it’s necessary. I won’t let Syn get me alone since our night together. I’m a big chicken, and I won’t be able to handle it when he tells me it was a one-time thing and I should forget it ever happened. Or worse, he wants me to pick between him and his friends.

  He did try to get me to dye his hair, which shocked me since I had to beg him before to agree. When I relented, he chickened out, worried I had ulterior motives. He might be right, and the orange food coloring hidden in my purse proves it. As important as it is to stay away, I couldn’t help myself from some potential fun.

  With Evelyn and Michelle busy, I call Grumpy but only manage a few minutes on the phone with him.

  “Tayter-Tot, ya doin’ a’right? Them boys treatin’ ya right?” He doesn’t even say hello when he answers the phone. It’s exactly what I need from him. Classic Grumpy.

  “Hey, Grumpy. I’m fine, how’s Oklahoma?” I skip over his question about the guys on purpose.

  He grumbles unintelligibly for a second but doesn’t ask again. “It’s colder’n a well diggers ass today. There’s some crazy ass tropical storm comin’ through ‘n yer cousin Jimmy ran ta the market ta stock up on food ‘n supplies. The man came lolligaggin’ back with twenty damn bags a junk. He done forgot tha coffee ‘n toilet paper, though. What’n tha hell kinda shit’s that?”

  “Did you make him go back and get it?” I ask, though I already know the answer.

  “Yer damn right I did. I ask tha kid ta grab two damned things, ‘n bless his heart, he couldn’t even ‘member one of ‘em.”

  I snicker. “Good, make sure he doesn’t step out of line. I can’t be the only one picking switches.”

  “Can’t let ya youngin’s go gettin’ ‘bove yer raisin’, now can I?” I hear the smile in his tone and tear up.

  If Grumpy hears me cry, he’ll jump on the next plane home. Things have been quiet for a week now. It seems like the calm before the storm, and I can’t put him in danger.

  I change the subject to work and his time in Oklahoma. He won’t admit it, but I can tell he’s having fun.

  After a while, simply the sound of his voice mixed with the inability to hug him becomes too difficult. “Grumpy, I gotta go. I’m supposed to go to a meeting in a few minutes.”

  “Always workin’,” he huffs. “Fine, fine. Leave yer ol’ man all ‘lone with no comp’ny.”

  I hear Jimmy and Uncle Howard bitch in the background. “What the hell ya mean, no comp’ny? We’re fixin’ ta play a third damn game of gin ‘at you insisted on!”

  “Shut it, tha two of ya! I’ll whoop both y’all,” Grumpy yells to them. I grin wide and shake my head. He’s as dramatic as me sometimes.

  “Love you, Grumpy. Be good,” I say when he comes back on the line.

  “Love ya, Tayter-Tot. Call me later ‘n tell me why yer so upset. I’ll be here when yer ready ta talk.” He hangs up before I can say anything else.

  Somehow the man always knows when something is wrong without me saying a word. Eventually, I’ll talk to him about my problems. But it’ll wait until the real issue of my stalker is resolved.

  My excuse of a meeting wasn’t a lie. After far too much alone time in my room, I called Parker and Austyn. They invited me over to hang out today. When I told the guys about it, they agreed to let me go alone since both Jack and Collin would be around. Jack even offered to pick me up, which was a relief since I didn’t want to end up alone in a car with one of the guys. They weren’t keen on it, but they didn’t outright object, either. Obviously, I can’t control myself around them, and I’d probably get us into a car accident with my impulsiveness.

  An hour after my conversation with Grumpy, I find my butt planted on a stool in the Harper-Smith kitchen with Maggie and Parker. Austyn promised to join us later, but he had plans for the next half hour. Parker informed it he’s on a date.

  Maggie watches me for a while as we chat about random topics. It unnerves me, and I almost ask her if something is wrong. She finally speaks up. “You’re upset, Taylor.”

  I blink in surprise. “How do you know that?”

  She grins. “Because it’s the same look Parker had in her eyes when she wasn’t sure what to do about her feelings for my sons. It’s also the same one I recognized in myself when I was confused about what I felt for Jack and Collin.”

  “Is it really that obvious?” I press a hand to my hot cheeks and look down at the counter. I can’t deny it. She’s right, and we both know it. “How embarrassing.”

  “Not at all,” she assures me. “It’s only something I can see because I know what I’m looking for.”

  “What are you looking for?” Parker asks with a tilt of her head.

  Maggie smiles softly at Parker. “Love.”

  “Come again?” There’s no way I can be in love with all four of the guys, especially at the same time.

  “Honey, you’re in love. It’s obvious to me. Maybe not to you or anyone else, but you may as well have a neon sign above your head when I look at you.” She shrugs, unapologetic in her observations. I wonder if Maggie possesses the ability to read minds because she keeps answering my unspoken thoughts. “It’s not wrong, Taylor. It’s not bad or anything you should be ashamed of.”

  “This will destroy them,” I whisper. It’s the closest I’ve come to admitting how I feel out loud.

  It shouldn’t be possible to love them all at once. It shouldn’t be allowed because it will mean either my heart or their friendship will get ruined. I’d rather shatter my heart into a million pieces than break up their bond. Parker and her guys and Maggie and her husbands may be okay with their unconventional relationships, but I’m not lucky enough for my guys to agree to something like that. They’d throw me out on my ass if I even mentioned it.

  The doorbell rings, and Maggie rounds the kitchen island. She pats my shoulder as she passes. “It’ll all work out in the end. Trust me. We can talk about it more in a minute if you’d like.”

  If only her optimism was correct. Even though I can’t have what I desperately want, I’m more than happy to talk with someone about all my crap.

  Maggie comes back after only a few seconds, a bouquet of flowers in a large vase obstructing our view of her. She sets them in the middle of the island and chuckles. “Are you going to take bets on who sent them?”

  “Too many options.” Parker giggles while she searches through the flowers for a card. She plucks it out and holds it up triumphantly when she finally finds it. She reads the front while grumbling about the placement of the card. “Do they have to hide it so well in there?”

  She frowns down at the envelope, then at me. “It’s for you.”

  “Maybe the guys sent it to you? They’re the ones who know you’re here.” Maggie’s eyes bounce from me to the flowers and back.

  Parker laughs, but it shakes with nerves. “It could be Austyn being a brat.”

  Maggie nods. “Good point.”

  I don’t make a guess because I can’t. I know who sent the flowers. I don’t need to open the card to know. Dread travels down my spine. Still, I open the card and read the message.

  Have you missed me, Pet? You haven’
t been out of that house much in the past week, and I miss seeing you.

  Did you hear about the officer you killed? His family buried him. His wife and children looked so terribly sad as you can see in the picture I sent along with this note.

  I do wish you’d stop playing games with me before anyone else gets hurt, Pet. The longer you make me wait, the angrier I become. If you come home to me, I will go easy with your punishment...maybe.

  P.S. Tell Parker I said hello. Her escape cost me a pretty penny, and I will be collecting as soon as my pet has been trained.

  Parker stood behind me, reading the note over my shoulder. She gasps several times, and I turn to her. She can’t breathe. I reach out and help her, but my body shakes too hard for me to control my movements. Instead, I drop my hand to my side and ball it into a fist.

  Maggie yells for her sons and husbands, but her shouts sound far away. I watch with an odd sense of disconnect as Dominic rushes into the room and wraps Parker into his arms. While I can make out what everyone says, it sounds like they’re talking through a tunnel, and I idly wonder what happened to my ears.

  Duncan and Talen quickly rush in on Dominic’s heels. They surround Parker. She can’t take in a true breath, so her lips turn purple from the lack of oxygen. Lochlan and Declan make it into the room and rush to Parker. The five of them slowly lower to the floor with Parker still in Dominic’s arms. Each one touches her in some soothing way. Lochlan whispers into her ear, and she frantically nods. He kisses her forehead, stands, then comes to the island where Maggie watches with sad eyes.

  Lochlan grabs her attention. “She’s having a panic attack. I don’t know why, but the doc gave her those pills for this kind of thing. Where are they, Mom?”

  Maggie pulls open a cabinet and takes a bottle from the top shelf. “Here, honey. Why don’t you guys take her up to her room and calm her down? She needs you all right now.”

  Duncan glances up at his mom, then to me as I slide off my stool and back away one step at a time. He frowns at my movement. “Do you guys know what set it off?”

  Maggie nods and points to the card on the table. Duncan takes the card and reads it over before cursing harshly under his breath. Declan gets up and takes the card from his twin, reading it as well. His expression turns to rage, and his gaze shoots toward me.

  At first, I assume he plans to kill me for the in danger I put Parker in, but instead, he addresses Maggie. “Mom, you need to call Maverick and the guys. Taylor doesn’t look too good and this note needs to be dealt with.”

  “Can you take care of Taylor until Maverick and his team gets here? We need to bring Parker upstairs,” Talen asks his mom. His eyes never leave Parker, who accepts the little pill from Lochlan.

  “Of course, honey. You guys go. I’ll take care of Taylor.” Maggie sniffs, clearly upset by the situation—a situation I brought to them.

  If not for me, Parker wouldn’t be in such a panicked state. Her boyfriends wouldn’t need to give her medication and hope she breathes normally soon. The bastard who sent the flowers wouldn’t have sent the note for Parker to read. Every part of this is because of me.

  Someone calls my name, Maggie, I think, but I can’t respond. My only thought is on the girl upstairs desperately seeking air and failing. The guys who love her, forced to witness her in horrible distress. The police officer whose family buried him. His two children, a little boy and a little girl, both with the same blond hair he had. The picture is incredibly detailed. I can make out the tears on their cheeks.

  The list of problems I’ve caused goes on and on. The apartment I once called home is destroyed. The relationship strain between my guys. All those things happened because of me, and I don’t know how to stop it aside from turning myself over to McCreepearson. If he has me, he’ll leave everyone else alone.

  Someone touches my arm, and I duck away. My first instinct is to fight because I know it’s McCreepearson. The touch goes away, and my vision finally focuses through the haze of panic. I lock eyes with Maverick, his brow drawn with worry, and his mouth moves as if he’s talking. It’s the first time I notice the loud ringing in my ears, preventing me from hearing anything he says. He won’t sit still, and my ability to focus on him dwindles.

  Except, he never actually moves from his position in front of me. Understanding finally dawns on me—it’s the shaking of my body, not his movement. It turns the world into a tilt-a-whirl ride, and my stomach turns. I lock my muscles to still my body. It works, sort of. My muscles quickly become sore, but I gain focus on my surroundings and stop my stomach from flipping.

  I expect to find Maverick in Maggie’s kitchen when I gaze around. Instead, I find us in the living room back at the guys’ house. The four of them surround me, but they don’t touch me.

  “Taylor, if you don’t talk to us, we’re going to have to take you to the hospital,” Maverick threatens, worry clouding his features.

  “You’re scaring us, Red,” Marak adds from his spot to my left.

  Syn growls, “This is a waste of time, we need to take her in. She isn’t responding, and it could be dangerous. Something could be wrong, and we’re wasting time.”

  “If we take her in without her knowing, she’ll kick our asses, and you know it,” Allistar tells him.

  “I’m fine,” I whisper, though it’s an obvious lie. Four sets of eyes dart to me. “I’m fine. I just need to go lay down, I think. I’m fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

  Before anyone can say a word, I stand and wobble toward the stairs. Marak stops me when I reach the first step. “Taylor, I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

  With sad eyes, I turn to him and shake my head. “It’s exactly what’s needed right now. I’ll be fine. I’m fine.”

  It isn’t at all what I want, but it’s necessary. Fine is far from what I am, and I need them more than I need to breathe right now. But the less time I spend with the guys, the less contact I have with anyone, the better things will be. My presence is toxic to anyone and everyone around me.

  When I manage to stumble to my room and close the door quietly, I let myself fall apart. If I could wish one thing at this moment, it would be to surround myself with four men who make everything better and worse at the same time. It only hurts more to know my wish will never come true. I need to let them go and find a way to stop anyone else from getting hurt because of me.

  The only problem is the time I’m forced to spend with them. Work with Maverick on Monday will be hell.

  23

  Taylor

  My fears of Maverick hovering over my shoulder at work all week prove pointless. He keeps his distance from me, only speaking to me when absolutely necessary. It’s a toss-up whether he’s upset with me for how I acted after the note was delivered to me at Parker’s house or because I threw myself at him and his best friends. Likely, both contribute to his avoidance of eye contact and the reason he sits with his back to me all day.

  It comes as somewhat of a relief on Monday when I need the distance to regroup. Tuesday isn’t horrible, but his indifference nags at me. I suggested replacing his guard spot with the company security guard, Frank, but Maverick turned purple with anger. His only reply was a simple, “no,” to me, then he turned his back once more.

  Wednesday comes and goes, and I want to hit him over the head with my keyboard. After work, I asked if they knew a different team who would take over the babysitting gig. They all showed different reactions ranging from anger to shock to hurt. Syn said no other team was available. Allistar and Marak kept their attention on Maverick, who had steam coming from his ears. He didn’t say a word to me; instead, he slammed his way out of the house and didn’t come back until everyone else fell asleep. Well, fuck him and his stupid attitude.

  By Thursday, I find myself silently fuming behind my desk and throwing eye-daggers at his back. If he hates being around me so damn much, why bother coming with me? There are three other men who agreed to take his place, or they could find someone else in la
w enforcement. They could pawn me off to a different SWAT team.

  Except that’s my whole problem. Even with Maverick at a distance, I still want him. I still want all of them. It’s like they’re the drug, and I’m an addict in need of a fix. They consume my every thought and action. I can’t even shower without wondering what it would be like with one of them, or all of them, in there with me. Something must give soon, or I might literally explode. I can’t spend forever with them. Tonight, I’ll suggest moving into my own place. It’s been quiet since the note from McCreepearson. I can even install a security system.

  With Maverick across the room from me, I can’t get crap done at work. I spent the last twenty minutes staring at the same email, reading and re-reading the contents. If someone put a gun to my head, I wouldn’t be able to tell them what the hell was said in the damn email. My hands wrap around the sides of the keyboard, lifting it from the desk. My intention is to whack Maverick with it, but common-sense creeps in. Instead, I slam the keyboard back down onto my desk. There’s a good chance it broke, but I couldn’t care less at the moment.

  Maverick jumps and spins in his seat. He cocks an eyebrow at me. Of course, the fucker doesn’t talk like a normal person. No, he gives me a sexy stare not even meant to be sexy. Stupid men.

  I push myself to my feet, harder than necessary, and don’t even flinch when the chair rolls back too hard and hits the wall with a thud. “I’m going to get some lunch.”

  He scrambles to close his computer and rushes after me when I exit the office without him. He catches up rather quickly and lets out a low growl of irritation. Part of me wants to tell him to go fuck himself; the other part wants to tell him to come fuck me. I may need to find a psychiatrist for this crap.

  Ignoring his presence, I make my way to the cafeteria and leave Maverick to find his own food while I get mine. He makes the choice to follow me to the soup and salad bar. While on the opposite side of the bar, assembling my lunch, someone taps my shoulder. Startled, I spin around and lock eyes with Tim. He almost got a plate of salad thrown at him for scaring the shit out of me.