Finding Serenity

by Amanda Perry

  Dr. Lenny strolls into the room and smiles wide at me when I’m able to crack my eyes open. “Hello again, Taylor.”

  At the sound of her voice, the guys all turn around and hurry to my side of the room.

  Marak tries to scoot up, but the movement must cause him too much pain. He winces and stops his attempts. “How are you feeling?”

  My attention turns to Dr. Lenny even though Marak asked the question. “Everything hurts.”

  Her eyes turn sympathetic. “I know, honey. Call me Trish, please. You’re due for more pain meds in about half an hour. Can you hold out that long?”

  I nod. The pain in my body doesn’t hold a candle to the pain in my chest at what I know will happen soon. They’re going to talk tonight and figure out a nice way to kick me out of their place and their lives. It was stupid to hope I could keep them all as mine. The idea of them ever considering it is laughable. They don’t want one girl who can’t choose between them.

  “Guys, I need to take Taylor for one more ultrasound just to rule out any internal bleeding in the abdomen, and as long as that’s clear, you two will be free to rest.”

  “Hurry back with her,” Syn mutters with a frown.

  Maverick’s eyes meet mine. “We’ll be right here when you get back. Grumpy, Michelle, and Evelyn are on their way here. They all booked the soonest flights possible when we called them.” I can’t reply to him; instead, I turn away and bite my tongue to hold back the tears. Even my sisters and Grumpy won’t make everything better this time.

  The guys move back to Marak’s side of the room, but each touch me in some way before they go. Their touch hurts more because I know it’ll probably be the last touch I get from them. Dr. Lenny—Trish—wheels my bed out down a few hallways until she reaches an ultrasound room. She locks the brakes on the bed and drops into the stool beside the ultrasound machine.

  “Taylor, I need to ask you something.” My stomach drops. The seriousness in her tone doesn’t sit well with me. “When was your last period?”

  I open my mouth to answer her, but snap it shut again. The birth control shot has always been my go-to because I don’t have to remember to take it daily. “I can’t remember. I’d been due for the shot a day or two before I had to move in with the guys. I went and got it like always, and they said I was good for twelve weeks. It hasn’t been twelve weeks, but I can’t remember when I had a period last.”

  Trish sighs and taps a few buttons on the keyboard. “I’m not sure how you’re going to take this, honey, but I have to tell you. You’re pregnant.”

  I wait for the punchline to the joke. Maybe it’s April first, and I forgot. Only, it’s far from April, and Trish is as serious as a heart attack. “No, I got the shot. I can’t be pregnant. The shot prevents that.”

  She pats my hand gently. “There was a massive recall on a specific brand of birth control shots. They were deemed ineffective. It was very recent, but I’d be willing to bet yours was one in the recall. In other words, the shot failed.”

  “No.” It’s the only word I can manage to get out. I repeat myself over and over, but it doesn’t change the news.

  Trish doesn’t miss a beat when I burst into tears. She pulls out a few tissues from a box nearby and gives me a gentle hug. “It’ll be okay, honey. You’re a strong woman, you’ll be okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shake my head. She’ll probably want to know who the father is, but I can’t answer that. I’ll be a single mother without a clue who the father of my baby is. My baby. This may be how my mother felt when she found out about me. Maybe she couldn’t handle the news of being responsible for another person’s life and decided to say screw it.

  A protective instinct rises in me, and my good hand flutters to my belly. No matter what happens, this baby didn’t ask to be made, but I’m going to make sure he or she knows their mommy loves them with everything in me. I’ll be a single mother like my mother was, but I will never abandon my baby like she abandoned me. I’ll make it work, for my baby, because my little one deserves the best and more.

  With tear-filled eyes, I turn to Trish who silently lets me fall apart for a few minutes. “The crash, did it... Is the baby okay?”

  She nods, and smiles wide. “The initial ultrasound revealed a strong heartbeat. I’ll admit, it shocked me to find a baby in there.”

  “Can I see, Trish?” I whisper. “I mean, I know you already looked and all. It’s just—”

  “I brought you here to show you, honey.” She pats my hand again and turns the machine on. “I’m going to do a thorough ultrasound and make sure everything looks good. Hopefully, we can get you an accurate due date as well.”

  She asks me to pull my gown away from my stomach then squirts warm jelly on my lower belly. She rolls the little wand around for a second then presses a button, and the picture pops up on a flat screen television in front of me. It helps because I don’t need to turn at an odd angle to see the screen in front of her.

  She rolls the wand again and presses another button, and the whooshing of a tiny, quick heartbeat fills the room. More tears flow, this time in awe. I locate the small flicker going in time with the whooshing beat. Trish points it out as the heart. The baby is still tiny, like a little jumping bean on the screen.

  She takes measurements, records the heartbeat, prints out several pictures, and takes dozens more. Finally, she pulls the wand away from my stomach and hands me a towel to wipe the goop away. “You’re still in your first trimester, only about ten weeks along. Everything looks fantastic, though. Baby is doing great. All you need to do right now is not drink, smoke, do drugs, or eat raw fish. Okay, to be honest, there’s other things to know, so I’d suggest getting in to see your OB-GYN as soon as possible. If you need a recommendation, I know someone.”

  “Who?” I examine my tiny jumping bean on the pictures.

  She huffs, “Me. I only come into the ER to treat Marak and the guys, and now you. I started out in the emergency department long ago, but my specialty is OB. I love babies.”

  “Okay, I would like that, actually. At least, I already know you.” I swallow hard and pry my eyes from my little baby button to Trish. “But I don’t want any of the guys knowing about the baby.”

  Her eyes widen for a second in surprise, but she catches herself. “It’s all confidential, Taylor. I cannot and would not tell anyone anything about you without permission. No matter who it is.”

  “Thank you,” I murmur. I clutch the pictures close to my chest and wish like crazy things were different for me and my baby.

  “You two are free to go!” Trish made us stay a few nights for observation.

  I faked sleep for most of it to prevent the guys from talking to me. The simple sound of their voices breaks my heart in half. They’re not interested in a relationship with me of any kind, and I need to accept it. I won’t tell them about the baby for a while. They’re sure to be pissed at each other and me. I refuse to allow them to be angry at my little jumping bean. I’ll protect him or her with everything in me.

  Grumpy, Michelle, and Evelyn all hopped on the first available flights to be with me. Grumpy made it to me first, cursing and hollering about how I wasn’t supposed to get hurt and that I’m grounded forever. To have him back made things a little better. He stayed with me the whole time, and the guys stayed with Marak at my insistence. Trish came in quite a few times to chat with Grumpy, and every time she spoke to him, his cheeks turned red. Part of me wants to ask about it, but I can’t muster up the energy.

  The curtain was kept pulled back, the room open, but I know they didn’t hang around the hospital for me. They needed to focus on Marak.

  While Syn fills prescriptions for pain medications, Allistar helps Marak into a wheelchair and down to the car, while Maverick pulls the car around. I take the quick moment alone to talk to Grumpy.

  “I know they asked if you’d drive me back to their place,” I say to Grumpy, then stop to bite back a sob. “But I need you to stay outside in the
car when we get there. I’m going to grab my stuff. I just want to get it all and go.”

  “What in tha good goddamn ya need ta do ‘at fer?” Grumpy growls. He turns his menacing glare toward the empty doorway the guys walked through moments ago. “Did ‘em boys do sumthin’ ta hurt ya, Tayter-Tot? I’d be more’n happy ta kick their asses fer ya.”

  “No.” I shake my head and smile fondly. I missed him so much. “It’s fine, Grumpy. I just need to go. I’ve overstayed my welcome already. They should get their house back sooner rather than later.”

  He studies me for a second, but when we hear Allistar and Syn’s chatter in the hall, he harrumphs. “I don’t believe ya fer even a second, but I won’t bury ‘em just yet. I’ll wait outside with the getaway car. Just don’t try ta go hood slidin’ like Bo Duke. You’ll mess up ma paint with ‘at big ol’ thing on yer arm.”

  Allistar and Syn walk into the room with the empty wheelchair before I can respond. “Your chariot awaits, miss.” Syn goes for a British accent, and it falls flat. He rolls his eyes as Allistar laughs and Grumpy snorts. “Whatever, the wheelchair is here. Hop on.”

  I do as he asks, silent the whole way down to the car. Grumpy pulls up and helps me into the passenger seat. He doesn’t say a word on the way back to the guys’ house. He knows I need time to myself.

  The second Grumpy pulls up, my door swings open, and Maverick picks me up. He carries me into the house and up to what used to be my room. He leans forward and kisses my forehead softly. It takes every ounce of control in me to not break down. “I’m going to grab you something to eat. Wait here and rest, okay?”

  I nod with no intention of listening to him. He turns and leaves the room, and the second he’s out of sight, I hop up and grab the duffle bag Syn packed on my first night here. I fill it with the essentials but leave behind anything I don’t need right away. Grumpy might get my things for me another day if the guys will let him. If not, I don’t really care. They’re only things. To leave the four men I love behind is what might kill me.

  My intention was to rush down the stairs, but it’s more like a slow shuffle. My body aches, and my only good arm keeps hold of my duffle bag. I make it to the door before anyone notices me.

  When I’m sure I’ll get out unnoticed, Allistar calls my name, and I hesitate. I spin around to find him at the other end of the room with a deep frown. The other three guys join him. They likely heard him call my name.

  Marak’s eyes dart from mine to the duffle bag on my arm. He shifts awkwardly with his crutches. “Where are you going?”

  “Thank you, all of you,” I choke out, desperate to hold onto my dignity and my emotions. Still, a few tears escape, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. “You guys saved my life more than once, and I’ll always be grateful for that. You all mean more to me than you’ll ever know. Or maybe you do know, and that’s why this is inevitable. Either way, you don’t have to make any decisions or have any talks now. You’re free.”

  With that, I turn on my heel and hurry to the car where Grumpy waits. He takes off the second I close my door. The problem is, I left my heart behind.

  28

  Marak

  “What the hell are we doing?” I shout at my best friends three seconds after Taylor walked out the door. “Are we really going to just let her go?”

  “Marak is right, we need to stop her.” Syn heads for the front door, but Maverick pulls him back by his arm.

  The anger in Syn’s eyes as he glares at Maverick matches my own. “We should give her time.”

  Allistar, Syn, and I stare dumbfounded at Maverick. Why would we want to give her time to forget about us? We all want her; we want to tell her how badly we want her. Don’t we?

  Realization dawns, and I shake my head sadly. “Maverick, you don’t want to try this with her, do you?”

  “What?” He reels back as if I punched him.

  Syn curses. “That’s why you don’t want to go after her, isn’t it? You don’t want her. Damn it, Mav. You should have said something sooner.”

  Allistar crosses his arms over his chest and studies Maverick. “Is that true, Mav?”

  “No!” Maverick shouts. He pulls the tie from his hair while he shoves his hands roughly through his hair. “You’re all fucking wrong.”

  “Then, explain it to us!” I holler back. “What the hell is going through your thick head?”

  He turns away from us, stomps toward the living room, turns back, and comes up to us again. Pacing is Syn’s thing. It’s how he handles Maverick’s calm, time consuming thought process ritual. To witness Maverick stomp back and forth around the living room takes me by surprise. I’ve never seen him so unhinged.

  “Can we sit down? My leg is killing me.” It’s partly true. I fractured my femur in two places and snapped my tibia. Even with the pain meds, it hurts like hell. More than for my comfort, though, I want to give Maverick a few extra seconds to gather his wits. Clearly, he needs the time.

  Syn appears by my side and helps me to the couch. He watches my back while I lower and sit. He doesn’t need to be asked; he doesn’t offer the help. Syn simply jumps in feet first to help us all when we hurt. It’s one of the reasons I could never make the choice that may hurt him.

  It’s the same thing with Allistar and Maverick. Allistar is the protective big brother, the peacekeeper. He wants us all to be happy and to get along. He doesn’t give up if we have issues with each other—he fights for us until everyone wins. Maverick leads us. He makes sure everything gets done when it needs to be done, focusing on our strengths and helping us utilize them in every situation. He keeps us in line. He knows what we need before we do most of the time, which is why it shocks me that he might not want the same thing as me. Maybe Syn and Allistar are in the same boat as him, and they don’t know how to say it.

  “You guys know what I want,” Syn mutters while he drops down next to me.

  My eyes snap to his. “We do?”

  Syn blinks, then shakes his head. “Oh, I guess you don’t.” He shrugs sheepishly. “I told them right before you called about the car chase. I want Taylor. I want to keep my best friends, too. I’d rather have all of you than none of you.”

  “You want to go for it?” I ask and relax slightly. He’s on the same page as me.

  He nods, and I grin.

  “I’m in,” Allistar mutters and rocks back on his heels. “I tried to tell you guys in the hospital. I don’t want to ever think about what I’d do if I lost one of you. But it also kills me to think about losing Taylor. I need her, and I need you guys. I’m in.”

  “Me, too.” I smile wide.

  “I knew it!” Syn bumps my fist with his, and Allistar chuckles.

  I grow serious for a second. “I can’t hurt any of you. You’re my brothers, and if I tried to take away the girl we all love, it would hurt you guys. At the same time, I won’t walk away from Taylor. The solution is clear for me. I’m all or nothing.”

  The three of us turn to Maverick, and he sags down into the recliner. “Fucking hell, I was so scared.”

  “Scared of what?” Syn sits up straighter to give Maverick his full attention. It isn’t often that Syn can be serious, but he manages this time.

  Maverick ties his hair up once more, a sign he isn’t as stressed as he was. “I was sure you guys weren’t going to go with this idea. Hell, it was my decision to call the Harper-Smith family. You guys weren’t interested in talking to them about it at first. Then, I nearly lost Marak and Taylor. I panicked. I didn’t want to go from almost losing both of you to losing one of you in a different way.”

  “I told you what I decided already, Mav,” Syn reminds him.

  Maverick nods. “I know and that made shit worse in my head. If you and I want this to work but Marak and Allistar don’t, where does that leave us? What the hell would we do if two of us want in and two want out? I can’t lose you guys. You’re my family, and I need you three more than anything.”

  “But?” Allistar coaxes. We
all wait for him to say the words.

  “But I’m in love with Taylor, and I need her, too,” he admits with a loud sigh. “I’m all in, guys. I want this because I know you guys will take care of the girl I love when I can’t. You’ll love her just as much as I do, and she’ll never want for anything. She’ll never have to be alone. I’d never trust anyone else with my girl, but even if we weren’t into this crazy ass relationship, I’d trust you three.”

  “That’s how I see it, too,” Syn says. “You guys would never hurt her or let anything happen to her.”

  “Because we all love her.” I knock my shoulder into Syn’s with a smirk.

  “So, we’re all in?” Maverick asks. He looks worried, even though each of us said yes already. “We’re okay with watching each other kiss, touch her, and the knowledge we’d all be sleeping with her? We can work through the issues and jealousy and make this work?”

  “It’ll suck not to have her in my bed every night,” Allistar admits sheepishly. “But if she’s with one of you guys, she’ll be safe and happy. That’s all I need to know.”

  “Ditto.” I nod.

  “Wait!” Syn pops up off the couch and holds his hands out, startling the rest of us. “We all agree, and that’s great, but there’s an issue.”

  “What?” Allistar frowns, but I already know the problem.

  Syn drops his hands and shoves them into his pockets. “Our girl doesn’t even know about this... she might not feel the same.”

  Silence descends upon the room. We never got a chance to ask Taylor what she wants and how she feels. Maybe she isn’t interested in a relationship with any of us, let alone all of us. She flirted and seemed interested, but maybe it was all fun for her.

  After a few tense minutes, Maverick jumps to his feet. “Well, sitting here won’t get us an answer. We need to go find her and talk to her.”