Frogs and Other Plays

by Aristophanes

  But for all its hints about Aristophanes’ own frustration with the political short-sightedness of (most of) his audience, Wasps remains sanguine in its outlook. By making Bdelycleon something of a killjoy and presenting Philocleon as a lovable rogue, Aristophanes is careful to coax as well as to censure his audience. Philocleon is one of Aristophanes’ most likable creations. A protean figure, he is likened to various animals, including a rat, a limpet, a jackdaw, a mouse and a honeybee. He is wily and tireless. When we first see him, he pops out of various parts of the house, like a jack-in-the-box, in his numerous bids to escape. He then tries to get out by tying himself under a donkey, emulating Odysseus’ escape from the Cyclops. While he sometimes behaves like certain tragic figures who share his delusional condition – Euripides’ love-stricken heroines Phaedra and Stheneboea, and Sophocles’ possessed, stubborn, suicidal hero Ajax – what distinguishes Philocleon from such tragic counterparts is his capacity to bounce back. Of all Aristophanic heroes, he is arguably the fullest embodiment of the comic spirit – triumphantly and defiantly incorrigible, imperishable and irrepressible.

  CHARACTERS

  BDELYCLEON, a youngish Athenian

  PHILOCLEON, his father

  FIRST DOG

  A REVELLER

  A BAKING WOMAN

  A CITIZEN

  CHORUS OF OLD MEN, the ‘Wasps’ of the play

  SUBSIDIARY CHORUS OF BOYS

  Silent Characters

  SECOND DOG, called Labes

  DARDANIS, a flute-girl

  CHAEREPHON, the philosopher

  WITNESS, brought by the Citizen

  COOKING UTENSILS, witnesses at the trial of Second Dog

  PUPPIES, belonging to Second Dog

  REVELLERS

  THREE SONS OF CARCINUS, all tragedians (like their father)

  ACT ONE

  Scene 1: Outside a house in Athens.

  [The scene opens just before dawn. Makeshift barricades have been placed in front of the doors and windows, and the house is enveloped in an enormous net. There is an outside staircase to the flat part of the roof (not covered by the net) where BDELYCLEON is sleeping. The two slaves, XANTHIAS and SOSIAS, sit propped up against the wall of the house asleep. Suddenly SOSIAS stirs and yawns. He tries to wake XANTHIAS.]

  SOSIAS Xanthias, you old rascal, what do you think you’re doing?

  XANTHIAS [waking] Relieving the night watch, they call it.

  SOSIAS Earning yourself a beating, more like. Don’t you realize what kind of creature we’re guarding?

  XANTHIAS I know, but I feel like shaking off dull care for a bit.

  SOSIAS Well, that’s your look out. Though, oddly enough, I’m feeling deliciously drowsy myself.

  [They both settle down and fall asleep again. Soon SOSIAS begins to toss and turn in his sleep, XANTHIAS stirs. He then tries to wake SOSIAS.]

  XANTHIAS Have you gone mad? Or have you become a Corybant?1

  SOSIAS No, just asleep. Though I won’t deny there was something Bacchic about it. [He displays a wine flask.]

  10XANTHIAS Looks as if we’re fellow devotees [displaying another]. Talk about sleep assailing the eyelids, it was like trying to hold off the whole Persian army. Funny dream I had just now.

  SOSIAS Me too! Like none I’ve ever had before. But tell me about yours first.

  XANTHIAS I dreamt that I saw an enormous eagle swoop down into the Agora, and it snatched up a copper-coloured snake and flew off with it up to the sky. And then suddenly the eagle turned into Cleonymus. Then the snake turned into his shield, and he dropped it!2

  20SOSIAS So Cleonymus is just like a riddle.

  XANTHIAS How so?

  SOSIAS One might ask of him, ‘What creature is it that drops its guard, on land, at sea and in the sky?’3

  XANTHIAS Seriously, I’m worried. It doesn’t bode well, a dream like that.

  SOSIAS Don’t give it another thought. There’s no harm in it, I’m sure.

  XANTHIAS No harm, in a man losing his equipment?4 What was your dream, anyway?

  SOSIAS Oh, mine was a big one. About Athens itself – the whole ship of state.

  30XANTHIAS Well, anchors away! Let’s hear it.

  SOSIAS Soon after I’d fallen asleep I saw a whole lot of sheep, and they were holding an assembly on the Pnyx;5 they all had little cloaks on, and staves in their hands, and these sheep were all listening to a rant by a rapacious-looking creature with a figure like a whale and a voice like a scalded sow.

  XANTHIAS No, no!

  SOSIAS What’s the matter?

  XANTHIAS Don’t tell me any more, I can’t bear it. Your dream stinks of a tanner’s yard.6

  SOSIAS And this disgusting whale-creature had a pair of scales

  40and it was weighing out bits of fat from a carcass.

  XANTHIAS Dividing up the body politic7 – I see it all. Horrible!

  SOSIAS And then I noticed that Theorus8 was sitting on the ground at the creature’s feet, only he had the head of a raven. And Alcibiades turned to me and said, ‘Look, Theolus is tlansformed into a laven!’9

  XANTHIAS You’ve got Alcibiades’ lisp down to a tee.

  SOSIAS Yes, but isn’t it a bit sinister, Theorus turning into a raven?

  XANTHIAS On the contrary. It’s a very good sign.

  SOSIAS How so?

  XANTHIAS Well, first he’s a man, then he suddenly turns into a

  50 raven. Isn’t it obvious what that means? He’s going to croak.

  SOSIAS I should make you my personal dream-interpreter, at two obols a day!

  XANTHIAS Now look, I’d better tell the audience what this is all about. Just a few words by way of introduction. [To the audience]10 You mustn’t expect anything too grand from us, but you won’t get any crude Megarian stuff either. And I’m afraid we can’t afford a couple of slaves with baskets full of

  60 nuts to throw to you. You won’t see Heracles being cheated of his dinner; we’re not going to hurl abuse at Euripides; and we don’t intend to make mincemeat of Cleon this time – even if he has covered himself in glory11 lately. No, this is just a little fable, with a moral; not too highbrow for you, we hope, but a bit more demanding than the usual knock-about stuff. The big man asleep up there on the roof,12 he’s

  70 our master. He’s ordered us to stand guard over his father and keep him locked inside, so that he can’t escape. You see, the old man’s suffering from a very peculiar disease.13 I’m sure none of you has heard of it, and you’ll never guess what it is unless we tell you. Still, would you like to try? [He pretends to wait for suggestions from imagined spectators.] What’s that Amynias?14 A compulsive dice player? No, it’s not ‘cubomania’.

  SOSIAS He’s judging by his own failing.

  XANTHIAS You’re right though, it is a kind of mania, an addiction of sorts. What’s that Sosias is telling Dercylus? That he’s an alcoholic?15

  80SOSIAS No, no! Only the best people suffer from that.

  XANTHIAS Nicostratus16 here wants to know if he’s a ‘xenophile’.

  SOSIAS Good god no, Nicostratus! He doesn’t accommodate strangers the way Philoxenus17 does.

  XANTHIAS No, you’re all wrong, you’ll never get it. Keep quiet then, and I’ll tell you what the old man’s trouble is. He’s what they call a ‘trialophile’ – the worst case I’ve ever come

  90 across. He yearns to sit in judgment, and pines18 if he’s denied a front-row seat. He never sleeps a wink at night – or if he does drop off, his spirit flutters round the courtroom clock till he wakes up again. He’s so used to clutching his voting-pebble that he wakes up with his thumb and two fingers glued together, as though he’d been sprinkling incense for a new-moon19 sacrifice. If he goes past Demos’ house and sees what someone’s written on the gatepost – you know the sort of thing, ‘O Demos, how I dote on you!’ – he goes and writes

  100 underneath: ‘O urn, how I vote in you!’20 It’s no joke. Once he complained that the cock was late calling him – and it was well before midnight! He s
aid the retiring magistrates must have bribed it because their accounts were coming up for review the next day. Oh, he had it bad: as soon as supper was over he’d shout for his shoes, and off he’d go to court, sleeping through the small hours at the head of the queue, clinging to the doorpost like a limpet. And he’s so harsh! He scratches a long line on his tablet every time they get a conviction – full damages.21 Honestly, he comes home with enough wax under his fingernails to stock a beehive. He’s so

  110 afraid of running out of voting pebbles that he keeps a whole beach of them inside the house. Such is his madness: the more you warn him, the more he goes to court.22 That’s why we’ve had to bolt him in and guard the house, in case he gets out. His son can’t cope with this disease of his. He tried talking to him, he tried all kinds of arguments to stop him wearing his juryman’s cloak or to get him to stay at home, but he just wouldn’t listen. So then he tried all the usual treatments for madness. He gave him a ritual washing and carried out all the purification rites: no use at all. After that he took him to the priests of Bacchus, to see if they could work him up into

  120 a Corybantic frenzy, and cure him that way, but the old man just escaped and burst back into the courtroom, drum in hand, to hear a trial. In the end, as none of these rites seemed to do him any good, the young master sailed him over to Aegina and booked him into the Temple of Asclepius23 for the night: but next morning, at the crack of dawn – there he was at the courtroom door! Since then we haven’t been letting him out at all. But he kept slipping out through the drains or chimneys, so we’ve had to stuff every hole we could find with

  130 bits of old rag. Then he drove little pegs into the courtyard wall and hopped up them like a jackdaw and then over the top. So now we’ve covered the whole house with netting and we’re guarding him day and night. The old man’s name, by the way, is Philocleon – I kid you not! And his son’s called Bdelycleon;24 he’s all right, although he can be a bit high and mighty.

  [BDELYCLEON Stirs.]

  BDELYCLEON Xanthias! Sosias! Are you asleep?

  XANTHIAS Oh god! [He shakes the dozing SOSIAS.]

  SOSIAS What is it?

  XANTHIAS It’s Bdelycleon. He’s up.

  BDELYCLEON Come round to the back, one of you, quickly!

  140 My father’s got into the kitchen and he’s scurrying about like a rat. Keep an eye on the waste pipe, and see that he doesn’t get out that way.

  [SOSIAS runs up the stairs.]

  And, you, stand close to the door.

  XANTHIAS Yes, boss.

  BDELYCLEON Good god, what’s that noise in the chimney?

  [PHILOCLEON pokes his head out through the chimney.]

  Who’s there?

  PHILOCLEON A puff of smoke.

  BDELYCLEON Smoke? Why, what are they burning?

  PHILOCLEON Figwood.25

  BDELYCLEON That accounts for the acrid smell. Phew! Go on, get back inside. Where’s the cover? [He replaces the chimney cover, ramming it down on the old man’s head.] Down you go. I’d better put this log on top as well. You’ll have to think

  150 up another bright idea. Puff of smoke indeed! Now they’ll really call me ‘son of Smoke’.26

  XANTHIAS Look out, he’s pushing at the door.

  BDELYCLEON Hold him, push as hard as you can – I’ll come and help. [He heads back down.] Hold on to the latch – and mind he doesn’t pull the peg out.

  PHILOCLEON [from within] What are you doing? Let me out! I have to get to court, or Dracontides27 will get off.

  XANTHIAS And you couldn’t bear that, could you?

  PHILOCLEON When I went to Delphi, the oracle said that if

  160 ever I acquitted a man, I would shrivel up and wither away.

  XANTHIAS Apollo save us, what a prophecy!

  PHILOCLEON Come on, please let me out, or I’ll explode!

  XANTHIAS Never, by god, you Cleon-lover!

  PHILOCLEON I’ll gnaw through the net.

  XANTHIAS You haven’t got any teeth.

  [BDELYCLEON returns from the roof.]

  PHILOCLEON Alas! If only I could slay you? But how? Someone give me a sword this instant – or a juryman’s tablet! [A scuffling noise follows.]

  BDELYCLEON The man is planning something truly drastic!28

  PHILOCLEON No, no. I just thought I’d take the donkey down

  170 to the market and sell him – the panniers too; it’s the first day of the month.29

  BDELYCLEON Couldn’t I do that for you?

  PHILOCLEON Not as well as I could.

  BDELYCLEON Not as well – better. All right, you can let the donkey out.

  XANTHIAS That was a sly excuse to get out.

  BDELYCLEON Ah, but it didn’t come to anything: I saw through it. I think I’d better go in and fetch the donkey myself, in case the old boy slips out. [He goes in and tries to come out with the donkey, but it seems reluctant to move.] Why do you weep? Because you’re going to be sold? Come on! Why

  180 these groans?30 Anyone would think you had some Odysseus clinging to your underside.31

  XANTHIAS My god, he has too! There’s someone under there!

  BDELYCLEON Where? Let me see.

  XANTHIAS Here he is, up this end.

  BDELYCLEON Now then, what’s going on? Who on earth are you?

  PHILOCLEON No-man.32

  BDELYCLEON No-man, eh? Where are you from?

  PHILOCLEON Ithaca.

  BDELYCLEON Well, No-man, you can get yourself back to No-man’s-land, sharpish. Pull him out from under there, quickly. Oh, the dirty old sod – look where he’s stuffed his head. I never thought we’d see our old donkey33 discharge a juryman!

  190PHILOCLEON Let me be, or we’ll come to blows.

  BDELYCLEON What is there to fight about?

  XANTHIAS He’ll fight you over the proverbial ‘donkey’s shadow’.34

  BDELYCLEON You’re a rotten, devious, wayward old man.

  PHILOCLEON Rotten? Me? You don’t realize just how tasty I am! Wait till you’ve sampled stuffed juryman’s belly.

  BDELYCLEON Get that donkey back into the house, and yourself too.

  PHILOCLEON [as he and the donkey are pushed back inside] Help, help! My fellow jurors, Cleon, help!

  BDELYCLEON Shout as much as you like once I get this door shut.

  [XANTHIAS helps him to close and relock the door.]

  Now, pile a load of those stones up against the door. And

  200 get that peg back into its socket properly. That’s right. Now, up with the bar. Heave! That’s it. And now, quickly, roll that big mortar up against it.

  [They mop their brows.]

  XANTHIAS Hey, where did that come from? A great chunk of dirt hit me right on the head!

  BDELYCLEON [looking up at the eaves] Perhaps there’s a mouse up there, knocked a bit of rubble down.

  XANTHIAS Some mouse! Somebody’s pet juryman, more like. Look, there he is, coming up through the tiles.

  BDELYCLEON Oh no, he thinks he’s a sparrow. He’ll take flight any minute now. Where’s that bird-net? Shoo, shoo, get back inside! [They clamber up and push the old man’s head back,

  210replacing the tiles.] I’d as soon keep guard over Scione35 as try to keep my old man indoors!

  XANTHIAS Well, we’ve shooed him in again. He can’t slip past us any more. Now couldn’t we just have a tiny bit of sleep?

  BDELYCLEON What! Don’t you realize that all the other jurymen will be along any minute now to call for him?

  XANTHIAS But it’s only just beginning to get light!

  BDELYCLEON Then they must have got up late this morning. They usually turn up soon after midnight, carrying lamps

  220and crooning old easy-listening favourites by Phrynichus.36 That’s how they call him out.

  XANTHIAS Well, we’ll soon get rid of them. We can throw stones at them, if need be.

  BDELYCLEON You poor deluded fool, if you provoke this gang of old geezers it’ll be like stirring up a wasps’ nest. They’ve all got sharp stings in the
ir butts – and they know how to use them! They whirr and dart around and fly at you like sparks from a bonfire.

  XANTHIAS Don’t you worry – as long as I’ve got enough stones I can scatter a whole swarm of jurymen, sting or no sting.

  [Despite what they say, both characters quickly fall asleep again. Very soon afterwards a curious buzzing sound is heard. This gradually becomes the wheezing and murmuring of a group of aged jurymen, who form the Chorus. They are guided by their sons, who are small boys,37 carrying dim lamps. The jurymen are dressed as wasps, with stings protruding behind them. Over their wasp-costumes they wear tattered jurymen’s cloaks. As they advance, the CHORUS-LEADER encourages his frail companions.]

  230CHORUS-LEADER Come along, quick march!38 Commias, old friend, you’re getting left behind. You’ve changed a bit since the old days – you used to be as tough as old boots. Now even Charinades can walk better than you. Ah, Strymodorus, there you are. My dear fellow juryman, how are you? And what about Euergides, is he with us? And Chabes from Phlya? Ah, here they come – well, well. All that’s left of the old battalion, eh? Remember that night in Byzantium, when you and I were on sentry duty together – we snitched the old girl’s kneading trough and used it for firewood, remember? Nice bit of pimpernel we had for supper that night. Cooked it up

  240 ourselves over the fire. Well, men, we’d better hurry up – Laches is on trial today.39 They say he’s got wads of money tucked away, that Laches. And you heard what Cleon, our Great Protector, said yesterday: ‘Come in good time, with three days’ supply of bile in your knapsacks. You’re the ones he’s wronged,’ he said, ‘and you’re the ones who are going to make him pay.’ Well, comrades, we’d best be pushing on, if we’re going to get there by dawn. And mind how you go – you still need your lamps. There may be a stone lurking somewhere, waiting to trip you up.