by Aristophanes
BOY Father, father, look out, it’s muddy here.
CHORUS-LEADER Get a twig and trim that wick a bit, son. I can’t see a thing.
250BOY But I can pull it up with my finger, see.
CHORUS-LEADER What are you thinking of, reckless boy, using your finger like that? Don’t you realize there’s an oil shortage? [He clouts the boy.] It’s all very well for you, you don’t have to pay for it.
BOY If you’re going to start using your knuckles on us, we’ll blow the lamps out and go home – and you can find your own way in the dark, splashing around in the mud like a load of old peewits.
CHORUS-LEADER I’ve punished bigger people than you in my time, son, and don’t you forget it. [He slips in a puddle.] Ugh! Now I’ve gone and tramped right through the mud.
260 There’s rain on the way. Mark my words, within the next four days there’ll be a real downpour. See that snuff on the wick? It’s a sure sign. Oh well, it’ll be good for the fruit trees. They want bringing on a bit. A bit of rain and a north wind is what they need. That’s funny: here we are at Philocleon’s house and there’s no sign of him. Not like him to be a shirker. He’s usually first in the line, singing tunes by Phrynichus –
270 he’s a great one for the old songs.40 Let’s stop and sing to him now. That ought to bring him out.
CHORUS
Is there no one at the door?
This has not occurred before!
What has happened to him overnight?
Some disaster, it is clear –
Did his slippers disappear?
Did he stumble, fumbling for the light?
Did he stub his little toe?
That’s a nasty thing, you know,
And can give you problems, if you’re old.
If the toe is badly maimed,
And the ankle gets inflamed,
It may harm the groin, so I’ve been told.
It’s extremely hard to say
What is keeping him away;
He’s the keenest stinger of us all.
No appeal can make him blench.
When he’s sitting on the bench –
280 Might as well make speeches to a wall!
But if I am not mistaken
It’s because he was so shaken
By the plea submitted yesterday.
Naturally it was all lies,
Still it brought tears to our eyes,
And the villain nearly got away.
But we nailed him in the end;
So get up, my dear old friend,
Do not punish yourself any more:
There’s a very juicy case,
A conspirator from Thrace,
290 And we must not let him flee the law.
CHORUS-LEADER Come along, boy, come along.
BOY Father, may I ask you for something?
CHORUS-LEADER Of course, what is it you want, son? Marbles, eh?
BOY No, papa, I’d like some figs – they’re much nicer.
CHORUS-LEADER Figs! I’ll see you hanged first!
BOY All right, then, I won’t come any further. I’m going home.
300CHORUS-LEADER Figs indeed! Don’t you realize I have to buy porridge and firewood and meat for the three of us, all out of my jury pay? And you ask me for figs!
BOY
Father, what if no jury sits today?
How, in that case, are we to feed ourselves?
Would we not then be in the direst straits?
310CHORUS-LEADER Ye gods, what a dreadful thought. I don’t know where our dinner would come from.
BOY
Wherefore, o mother, didst thou give me birth?
CHORUS-LEADER To give your father misery.
BOY
What profit dost thou bring, o empty purse?
Alas, alas! Ours is but to weep.41
[At this point PHILOCLEON appears at a small upper window, from which he has removed part of the barricade.]
PHILOCLEON
Oh with what anguish in my soul
I’ve heard you through my tiny hole!
How inexpressibly I yearn
To join you at the voting-urn!
320 I long to come to court with you
Some solid, lasting harm to do;
But now, alas, it cannot be,
For I am under lock and key.
Would that some god, with blinding stroke,
Convert me to a cloud of smoke!
Like politicians’ words I’d rise
In gaseous vapour to the skies.
In pity for my sufferings dire
Scorch me, Zeus, with heavenly fire!
Breathe on me with your breath divine –
330 And serve with vinegar and brine.
Or turn me, if it be thy will,
To stone – that suits me better still.
Part of the courthouse wall I’d be
And then they’d count the votes on me.42
CHORUS Who is it that keeps you shut up in there?
[PHILOCLEON remains silent.]
Tell us, we’re your friends.
PHILOCLEON My son, but don’t talk so loud. He’s asleep out the front there. So keep your voices down.
CHORUS But why is he doing it? What’s his motive?
340PHILOCLEON He won’t allow me to go to court: he won’t let me do harm to anybody. He wants to give me an easy life, he says. I’ve never heard such nonsense. I don’t want an easy life.
CHORUS Outrageous! It’s a threat to democracy! He’d never dare say such things unless he was plotting to overthrow the constitution. Traitor! Conspirator! You must try to find a way out. Can’t you get down without him seeing you?
PHILOCLEON What way out is there? See if you can find one – I’ll do anything. I’m desperate. If only I could get to court! I long to file past the screens again, with the pebble in my hand!
350CHORUS Couldn’t you tunnel a way through the wall and come out disguised in rags, like wily Odysseus?
PHILOCLEON They’ve stopped up all the holes: there isn’t a chink a gnat could squeeze through. You’ll have to think of something else – I’m not made of cream cheese.
CHORUS Remember the Naxos campaign, and the way you stole those spits and climbed down the wall?
PHILOCLEON Yes, but things were different then. I was a young man, quick-footed and light-fingered – at the peak of my powers. And I wasn’t under guard; it was easy to get away.
360 This place is besieged: it’s crawling with heavy infantry blocking my line of retreat. There are two of them down by the door, watching every move I make. They’ve got spits. Anyone would think I was the cat making off with tomorrow’s meat!
CHORUS Come on, you’ve got to think up some way of getting out, quickly – it’s getting light.
PHILOCLEON I’ll have to gnaw through the net, I suppose. May Dictynna43 forgive me!
CHORUS Spoken like a true soldier! Onward to freedom! By
370 the right, close jaws!
[PHILOCLEON gets to work on the net with what teeth he has left. He manages to remove a bit more of the wooden barricade, and can get his head and shoulders through.]
PHILOCLEON I’ve gnawed a hole in it, but don’t make a sound. We must make sure Bdelycleon doesn’t catch us.
CHORUS Don’t worry about him. One grunt out of him and we’ll give him something to grunt about. We’ll make him run for his life. That’ll teach him to disrespect the ballot box! Now, tie that cord to the window, and the other end round
380 yourself, and let yourself down. Be brave! Be a regular Diopeithes!44
PHILOCLEON But what do I do if they spot me when I’m halfway down, and try and haul me back inside?
CHORUS Don’t worry, we’ll come to the rescue – won’t we, boys? Hearts of oak are we all, and we’ll fight till we fall. They’ll never be able to keep you in. We’ll show them a thing or two.
PHILOCLEON All right. [He attaches the cord.] Here I come. I’m relying on you. And… if anything should happen to me, lift me ge
ntly, and spare a tear for my corpse. Then bury me under the dear old courtroom floor.
CHORUS Nothing’s going to happen to you. Come on down bravely, with a prayer to your very own patron god.
PHILOCLEON
O Lycus,45 lord and hero, let me turn to you in prayer:
It really is remarkable how many tastes we share.
390 You love the tears of suppliants, no sound pleases you more,
And that is why you choose to live beside the courtroom door.
Have pity on your neighbour now, and lend your aid divine,
And I will swear no more to piss or fart behind your shrine.
[He climbs out and begins to descend.]
BDELYCLEON [waking suddenly] Hey you, wake up!
XANTHIAS What’s the matter?
BDELYCLEON I thought I heard a sort of noise. Is the old man trying to give you the slip again?
XANTHIAS [looking up and seeing PHILOCLEON] No, by heaven, he’s letting himself down on a rope!
BDELYCLEON Hey, what are you doing, you utter rascal? Don’t you dare come down! [To XANTHIAS] Quick, get up the rope and whack him with the harvest wreath. That’ll make him beat a retreat.
400PHILOCLEON [now halfway down] Stop him! Anyone got a case coming up this year? Smicythion! Tisiades!46 Chremon! Pheredeipnos!47
[BDELYCLEON, meanwhile, has entered the house by the front door. He now appears at the upper window and starts to tug at the rope.]
Quick, to the rescue, or they’ll have me back inside!
[The CHORUS prepare for battle as XANTHIAS, halfway up the rope, whacks PHILOCLEON from below with the harvest wreath while BDELYCLEON tugs him from above.]
CHORUS
Comrades, why are we delaying
When we should be up and slaying?
Turn, your deadly stings displaying,
Wave them in the air!
Let no reckless fool provoke us,
From our nest attempt to smoke us –
We will brook no hocus pocus!
Let our foes beware!
Retribution we agree on!
Run, boys, run along to Cleon!
We all know whose side he’ll be on!
410 Go on, fetch him out.
Here’s a man who’s roused to fury –
Stops us sitting on the jury –
But we wasps will soon make sure he
Never sits again!
[The BOYS run off, shouting. The CHORUS mill around like angry wasps, buzzing noisily.]
BDELYCLEON [trying to make himself heard] Gentlemen! Gentlemenl Listen to me! And stop all that buzzing!
CHORUS We’ll buzz all we like!
BDELYCLEON I am not going to let him go.
CHORUS Shame! This is scandalous! It’s bare-faced tyranny. O my city! O vile Theorus, and every other brownnoser who champions us!
420XANTHIAS Look sir, they’ve got stings.
BDELYCLEON They have indeed – as Philippus found out at his trial.48
CHORUS-LEADER And as you’re going to find out in a minute. Wasps! About turn! Present stings! By the right, in reverse, quick march! Keep in line there! [They close in on XANTHIAS.] Now then, let him have it! Put some gall into it! Show him what a wasps’ nest he’s stirred up!
[XANTHIAS hastily drops to the ground, PHILOCLEON follows him down, but XANTHIAS grabs him and uses him as a shield.]
XANTHIAS I don’t fancy a fight with this lot. I don’t like the look of those stings of theirs one bit.
CHORUS-LEADER Let go of the man, or – I warn you – you’ll be envying tortoises for their hard shells.49
[XANTHIAS releases PHILOCLEON.]
430PHILOCLEON Now then, my fellow jurymen, my savage-hearted wasps! Some of you go for his backside: let him have it, that’s the way! You others, surround him. Jab at his eyes and fingers!
[The CHORUS attack. XANTHIAS tries to seize PHILOCLEON, but is surrounded. PHILOCLEON makes a dash for freedom.]
BDELYCLEON [from the window] Midas, Phryx, Masyntias! Here, quickly, get hold of him!
[Three SLAVES rush from the house and grab PHILOCLEON.]
And don’t let him go, d’you hear, or it’s chains and no dinner for you. Don’t mind them – they make a lot of noise, but it doesn’t mean anything. All sizzle and splutter, like rissoles in a frying-pan.
[He withdraws from the window. PHILOCLEON struggles wildly, but is overpowered by the SLAVES.]
CHORUS-LEADER Let him go, or we’ll run you through.
PHILOCLEON O Cecrops,50 lord and hero! As a true Athenian, with serpent’s blood in your veins – from the waist down, at least – are you going to stand by and see me mauled by these
440 barbarians? Men who’ve had nothing but the best from me – six of the best every time.
CHORUS-LEADER Such are the miseries of old age. Look at these two now, laying violent hands on their old master, without a thought for all he’s done for them: the leather jackets, the shirts, the caps he’s bought them, and all the care he’s shown for their feet in the wintertime, making sure that they’re nice and warm. No respect at all for their old… footwear.
PHILOCLEON [to one of the slaves holding him] Let me go, you brute! Have you forgotten what happened when I caught you
450 stealing grapes? Didn’t I tie you to the nearest olive tree and give you a hiding that made you the envy of the neighbourhood? Have you no gratitude? Come on, let go of me, both of you, before that son of mine comes out again.
CHORUS-LEADER You wait, my lads, you’re going to pay heavily for this. And you won’t have to wait long either. You’ll find out what it is to come up against men like us – sour-faced, stern and fiery.
[BDELYCLEON rushes from the house with an armful of smoking torches, which he distributes to the SLAVES.]
BDELYCLEON Attack, Xanthias, drive them back, away from the house!
XANTHIAS Just watch me!
BDELYCLEON [to one of the other slaves] Come on, you too! Smoke ’em out!
XANTHIAS Shoo, shoo! Go away! Buzz off!
BDELYCLEON Go on, let them have it! What we really need is Aeschines51 to gas them into a coma.
[The CHORUS are beaten back.]
460XANTHIAS There, I knew we’d beat them off in the end.
BDELYCLEON Lucky for you they’ve been training on Phrynichus and not on some of these modern songs – or you’d have been overcome by the fumes!
CHORUS
Treason and treachery! Now it is clear!
Tyranny, as ever, strikes from the rear!
See how this criminal glories in wrong:
We have our hair cut short, he has his long!52
Who do you think you are? Simply because
You think you’re somebody, you flout the laws!
Totalitarian, that’s what you are!
470 Down with all tyranny! Shame on you, sir!
BDELYCLEON Couldn’t we drop all this fighting and shouting? Why don’t we negotiate? Perhaps we could come to some arrangement.
CHORUS-LEADER Arrangement? With you? You enemy of the people! You monarchist! You long-haired Amynias! You tassel-fringed pro-Spartan, in cahoots with Brasidas!53
BDELYCLEON Honestly, I’d just as soon do without a father altogether as embroil myself in this kind of altercation day after day.
CHORUS-LEADER ‘Embroil myself’ – hark at him! If it’s fancy
480 talk you’re after, let me tell you this: you haven’t got past the trimmings yet, son – you’re still picking at the parsley. Just wait till the prosecutor flings these same charges at you in court: ‘conspiracy’ is the word he’ll use.
BDELYCLEON Will you go away and leave me in peace, or are you going to stand here bickering all day?
CHORUS-LEADER I won’t leave while I’ve still got a drop of blood left in my body. You’re plotting to establish a monarchy.
BDELYCLEON It’s always ‘tyranny’ and ‘conspiracy’ with you people, isn’t it? However trivial the offence, the charge is the
490 same. The
word ‘tyranny’ hasn’t been heard in Athens for fifty years,54 and now it’s suddenly become as common as pickled fish. You can’t even walk through the market without having it flung at you. If you buy a perch instead of sprats, the man at the sprat stall mutters, ‘Bloody monarchist!’ If you ask the sardine man to throw in a couple of spring onions, the woman at the vegetable stall gives you a filthy sideways look. ‘A monarchist, that’s what you are,’ she says. ‘Do you expect the city to pay you a tribute of onions?’
500XANTHIAS Like that tart I paid for yesterday, down town. I just happened to say, ‘How about having a ride on top?’ ‘No riding, buster,’ she says, ‘we’re democrats here.’
BDELYCLEON And these people [pointing to the CHORUS and audience] lap it all up. Just because I want my father to give up leading the life of a miserable-prying-litigious-early-morning-stirrer and live like Morychus,55 I’m accused of being a conspirator and a monarchist.
PHILOCLEON Well, that’s what you are. I wouldn’t give up the life I’m leading, not if you fed me on peacock’s milk for the
510 rest of my days. I’m not interested in your lampreys and your eels in aspic – give me a nice juicy lawsuit, done to a turn.
BDELYCLEON I know – you’ve developed a taste for such things. But if only you’d keep quiet and listen to me for a minute, I’m sure I could convince you that you’re quite wrong.
PHILOCLEON Wrong? To sit as a juryman?
BDELYCLEON Worse than wrong: you don’t realize how you’re being taken in by these men you almost worship. You’re a slave without realizing it.
PHILOCLEON Oh, I’m a slave now am I? I who hold supreme power.
BDELYCLEON You think you do, but you don’t. You’re just a lackey. I know – as an Athenian you can squeeze the rest of
520 the Greek world dry, but can you tell us what you get out of it personally?
PHILOCLEON Certainly I can. Let these gentlemen decide between us.
BDELYCLEON All right. I’ll agree to that. Let him go.
[PHILOCLEON is released by the slaves.]
PHILOCLEON And fetch me a sword.
[One of the slaves fetches a sword and hands it to PHILOCLEON.]
I swear that if I lose to you in this debate, I shall fall upon this sword.56
BDELYCLEON And if you fail to abide by the whatever-they-are, the stipulations?
PHILOCLEON May I never quaff neat jury-pay again.
