by Aristophanes
CHORUS
The speaker who will plead our case, the champion of our school,
If he would be advised by us, must keep this simple rule:
Say something new, and say it well, and you will then appear –
BDELYCLEON
Go in and fetch my writing case and quickly bring it here!
[A SLAVE goes off on this errand.]
530 Yes, what will he appear to do, if he’s advised by you?
CHORUS
To speak with more politeness than some younger people do.
You see what you are up against: the contest will be tense;
Such mighty matters are at stake, the issues are immense.
If he should chance to beat you (which the gods forbid he should)…
[The SLAVE returns with BDELYCLEON’s writing materials.]
BDELYCLEON
I’m going to write down every word: his speech had best be good!
PHILOCLEON
Oh, please go on: if he should win – what were you going to say?
CHORUS
540 Why, that would mean admitting that old men have had their day.
There’d be no further use for us, they’d mock us to our faces
And call us affidavit-husks, the ghosts of parchment-cases.
Be bold! Our sovereignty’s at stake, and you must play your part
With every trick of oratory and glib persuasive art.
PHILOCLEON Well, to get off to a flying start, I propose to prove to you that this power of ours amounts to nothing short of absolute sovereignty. Can you think of any living
550 creature that is happier, more fortunate, more pampered, or more feared than a juror? No sooner have I crawled out of bed in the morning than I find great hulking fellows waiting for me at the bar of the court. As I pass, one slips his delicate hand into mine – the very hand that has dipped so deeply into the public funds. And they all bow down low, and plead with me in pitiful tones: ‘Have mercy, venerable sir,’ they cry; ‘Have you never made a bit on the side yourself? When you held some high office, or went shopping for your messmates?’ That’s how they talk to me – people who’ve never known of my existence till that moment, unless they’ve been tried before, and acquitted.
BDELYCLEON Point one. Supplicants at bar of court. I’m noting that. [He writes on his tablet.]
560PHILOCLEON Then, after they’ve all crawled to me and tried to butter me up, I go behind the bar and take my seat, and forget all about any promises I may have made. I just listen to what they say – and there’s nothing they won’t say to flatter the jury in their efforts to get acquitted. Some of them bewail their poverty and exaggerate their troubles; one will start quoting the legends, another comes out with funny stories from Aesop, or starts cracking jokes to make me laugh and put me in a good mood. And if he can’t win me over that way, he drags his children out in front – all his little girls
570 and boys – and I just sit and listen while they all grovel, bleating in unison. Meanwhile their father stands over them and pleads with me to ratify his accounts as if I were a god. ‘Master,’ he cries, ‘if you delight in the bleating of the lamb, hear my son’s cries and have mercy. Or if your preference is for pork,57 let my daughter persuade you.’ And after that, I relax my severity a little. Isn’t that power for you? Doesn’t it make mere wealth look silly?
BDELYCLEON [writing] ‘Make – mere – wealth – look – silly.’ And now tell me what advantages you gain from your dominion over all Greece.
PHILOCLEON Well, for one thing we see all the boys in the nude when they come up for inspection. And then, say we
580 have Oeagrus58 up on a charge, he won’t get off till we’ve heard him recite the big speech from Niobe.59 Or suppose we have a flute-player, and he wins his case, he’ll show his gratitude by playing a nice tune for us on his way out. Suppose a man dies: he may have named a husband for his heiress, but what do we care for wills and solemn seals and signatures? We give her to the suitor who puts up the best show in court.60 And what’s more, we can’t be held to account afterwards, as the magistrates are. Theirs isn’t real power – that belongs to us.
BDELYCLEON [making a further note] No, you’re not held to account, and that’s the first thing you’ve mentioned that I can really congratulate you on – though it’s wrong to be tampering with heiresses’ seals.
590PHILOCLEON And another thing: if the Council or the Assembly can’t reach a decision on some big case, they hand the prisoner over to the jury courts. We also have Evathlus61 and Toady-onymous62 coming along to tell us that they’ll never betray us, they’ll fight for the people. And no one has ever had a motion carried in the Assembly unless they’ve arranged for the courts to close down early so that we can attend. As for Cleon himself, the Great Screamer, we’re the only people he never dares to nibble at: we lie safely in his arms and he keeps the flies off us. Which is a lot more than you’ve ever done for your old dad. Whereas a man like Theorus – a man who ranks… no lower than Euphemius63
600 – comes crawling to us with his jar and sponge to shine our shoes. So you see what kind of advantages you’re trying to cut me off from. And you claim to be able to convince me that they amount to slavery and servitude!
BDELYCLEON Go on, have your say; you can’t go on for ever. And when you’ve finished, I’ll show you where you can stick your precious power.
PHILOCLEON I haven’t mentioned the best thing of all yet: when I get home with my pay, they’re all over me. Because of the money, you see. First my daughter comes to give me a wash and rub my feet with oil, and it’s ‘dear papa’ this and ‘dear papa’ that. Then she leans over to give me a kiss – and
610 fish out those three obols with her tongue!64 And my little wife brings me out a barley loaf to tickle my appetite, and sits down beside me and presses me to eat: ‘Do have some of this, do try one of these!’ I love it! I don’t want to have to depend on you and that steward of yours, and wait for him to bring me my lunch, muttering curses under his breath. As it is, if lunch is late, I’ve got this to stave off hunger [pointing to his money, or perhaps a squashed morsel of food he carries with him]. And if you don’t pour me any wine, I’ve got my donkey here. [He brings out a donkey-shaped wine-flask.] Just tilt and pour. [He demonstrates and wine gargles out.] You see what he thinks of you and your goblets! A fine martial bray!
The power of Zeus upon his throne
620 Is scarcely greater than my own.
When people speak of me and Zeus,
The same expressions are in use:
For when the court’s assembled there
Our angry murmurs fill the air,
And passers-by, in fear and wonder,
Exclaim, ‘By heaven, how they thunder!’
And when I flash, they cringe and cower
In dread at my almighty power,
And, hoping that they won’t be struck,
They click their tongues to bring good luck.
The rich and powerful fear my frown
And tremble lest I bring them down;
And you fear me, by god, you do –
630 But I’ll be damned if I fear you.
[The CHORUS applaud enthusiastically.]
CHORUS-LEADER
A most sensible speech:
I enjoyed every word.
As frank an oration
As ever I heard.
PHILOCLEON
He thought he’d get by
Though his case was the weaker:
He never imagined
I’d shine as a speaker!
CHORUS
A splendid performance,
Without any doubt
He touched on each point,
And left nothing out.
With pride and contentment
I felt myself swelling,
So fine were his words,
And his style so compelling.
I honestly could not
Have been more impressed
640 If
I’d been in a court
In the Isles of the Blest.65
PHILOCLEON
You see the way he’s fidgeting: he’s clearly ill at ease.
BDELYCLEON
Before the day is over you’ll be beaten to your knees.
CHORUS
You’ll have to weave a crafty web to make that boast come true.
The person who gets beaten is more likely to be you.
It takes a clever speaker to convert a hostile jury:
You’d better think of ways and means of countering our fury.
[BDELYCLEON clears his throat and takes up the posture of an orator.]
BDELYCLEON It is a difficult undertaking, requiring a degree
650 of skill and understanding far beyond that of comic poets in general, to cure the city of such a chronic and endemic sickness. [He looks heavenwards.] But you, O Lord and Father…
PHILOCLEON [thinking himself addressed] Now don’t start Lord-and-fathering me – it won’t get you anywhere. What you’ve got to do is prove that I’m a slave, and you better hurry up about it. Otherwise I’ll have to kill you. I suppose they’ll debar me from the sacrificial feasts for it, but it can’t be helped.
BDELYCLEON All right then, daddy dearest. Listen to me, and stop looking so stern. For a start, just count up, roughly – on your fingers will do – how much tribute we get altogether from the subject cities. Add to that the revenue from taxes, percentages, deposits, the mines, market and harbour dues,
660 rents and confiscations. Add these up, and we get a total of nearly twelve million drachmas66 a year. Now work out how much of that annual sum goes to the jurors – six thousand of them, taking the maximum. And the total is… nine hundred thousand – am I right?
PHILOCLEON [checking over the figures in amazement] But that means – our pay doesn’t even amount to ten per cent of the national income.
BDELYCLEON That’s right.
PHILOCLEON Where does all the rest of the money go?
BDELYCLEON To those fellows you mentioned just now: ‘I will never betray the Athenian riff-raff! I will always fight for the rabble!’ The people you elect to rule over you, because you’re taken in by their speeches. And on top of that there are the
670 bribes they get from subject cities: three hundred thousand drachmas at a time, extorted by threats and intimidation: ‘If you don’t pay up, I’ll ruin your city with a single thunderous speech!’ While you, apparently, are quite content to chew on the leftovers – so much for your precious power. The subject states take one look at the scrawny rabble, feeding on scraps and living it up on… bugger all, and conclude that you’re not worth a damn. Meanwhile they ply these other men with gifts of pickle, wine, cheese, honey and sesame, rugs and cushions, cups and bowls, fancy clothing and jewellery, and every other conceivable luxury. And what do you get out it, this empire you’ve toiled and fought for on land and sea? Not so much as a bulb of garlic to flavour your fish soup.
680PHILOCLEON True enough! Only yesterday I had to send out for three measly cloves. But when are you going to get to the point and prove I’m a slave? I’m getting impatient.
BDELYCLEON Well, isn’t it slavery when these men, and their cronies, all hold overpaid executive posts, while you’re over the moon with your three obols? Obols which you yourself have laboured and rowed and battled and sieged into existence? Furthermore, you’re entirely at their beck and call. What infuriates me is seeing some affected little toff come mincing up to you – like this – and start ordering you around. ‘You’re to be in court first thing tomorrow morning. Anyone who isn’t in his seat when the flag goes up will lose his three
690 obols.’ Rest assured, he’ll be getting his prosecutor’s fee all right – an entire drachma – however late he arrives. And they work together, too, did you know that? If a defendant comes up with a bribe, the prosecution and defence will share it, and then they’ll play up to each other convincingly, like two men with a saw – one gains a point, the other gives way. You never spot what they’re up to because you’re too busy gaping at the paymaster.
PHILOCLEON No, no! They don’t do that to me! What are you saying? How you shake me to my inmost core and win me over! You do I know not what to me!67
BDELYCLEON Well then, just think how rich you and everybody else could be, if it wasn’t for this gang of demagogues who keep you trapped just where they want you. Yes, I know you
700 rule over a vast number of cities from the Black Sea to Sardinia. But what do you get out of it, apart from this absolute pittance? And even that they squeeze out like little drops of oil, just enough at a time to keep you going. They want you to be poor, and I’ll tell you why: they’re training you to know the hand that feeds you. Then, when the time comes, they let you loose on some enemy or other: ‘Go on, good dog! Bite him! That’s the way!’ If they really wanted to give the people a decent standard of living, they could do it easily. At the moment we have a thousand cities paying tribute to Athens; if you gave each of them twenty men to feed, you’d have twenty thousand ordinary Athenians lording
710 it up on jugged hare and cream cakes every day, with garlands on their heads, leading lives worthy of the land they belong to, worthy of the victors of Marathon.68 Instead of which you have to queue up for your pay like a bunch of olive-pickers.
PHILOCLEON What’s come over me? I feel unusual. An eerie numbness has spread over my hand. I can’t hold up my sword any more, I’ve gone all limp.
BDELYCLEON Whenever they’re really worried, they offer you the whole of Euboea,69 and promise you seventy-five bushels of wheat all round. But you’ve never got that, have you? Five bushels is all they give you, and barley at that – a quart at a time, and only if you can prove your ancestry. Do you see
720 now why I’ve been keeping you shut up? I want to look after you properly. I don’t want you made a mockery of by these unscrupulous ranters. You only have to ask and I’ll give you anything you want – except the paymaster’s milk.
[PHILOCLEON remains silent.]
CHORUS
‘You should never decide till both sides have been heard’
Is a saying both ancient and true:
We are happy to state that you’ve won the debate
And converted us all to your view.
We freely admit we were hostile at first,
But our anger has melted away;
So we’ll lay down our staves (we don’t want to be slaves)
And agree to whatever you say.
CHORUS-LEADER [addressing PHILOCLEON]70
Give in, give in to his words, dearest friend!
730 Be not too headstrong or unbending!
If only I had relatives with such sense,
Whose care for me was so unending.
Now surely some god has determined your fate,
And you should accept such amending.
BDELYCLEON
No pains will I spare: on appropriate fare
I shall see that he’s lavishly fed;
A shawl he shall have, and a rug for his knees,
740 And a woman to warm him in bed.
But why is he silent? I don’t like his look;
He ought to have spoken by now,
If only to mutter. But no, not a word –
And look at his glowering brow!71
CHORUS-LEADER
I fancy he’s feeling the pangs of remorse;
His eyes are now open at last.
No doubt he’s resolving to pay you more heed –
To atone for his faults in the past.
[PHILOCLEON utters a piercing tragic wail.]
BDELYCLEON What on earth is the matter?
PHILOCLEON [in a quasi-tragic manner]
750 Alas, what mean these promises to me?
What I long for is there – there would I be,72
Sitting once more among the things I love,
Hearing the chairman calling loud and clear:
‘If any juror has not voted yet,
> Will he come to the urns immediately?’
And I would take my time – I always made
A point of voting last.
[He raises his sword and tries to take his own life with it.]
Godspeed, my soul!
Where is my soul? It must be under here.
Part, part, ye shady folds, and let me pass!73
[The sword falls.]
I’d ten times sooner die, by Heracles,
Than take my seat upon the bench again
And find my Cleon in the dock for theft!
[He sinks to the ground, sobbing, as BDELYCLEON removes his fallen sword.]
Scene 2: The same.
760BDELYCLEON Father, I beg you, do as I ask.
PHILOCLEON What is it? Ask what you will except for one thing.
BDELYCLEON What’s that?
PHILOCLEON To give up jury work. ‘May death receive me before I do that.’74
BDELYCLEON If you’re so set on trying cases, why bother going all the way to court to do it? Why not stay here and try your own household?
PHILOCLEON Try them? For what? You’re raving, boy.
BDELYCLEON You can do exactly what you do in court. Say one of the slave girls leaves the door on the latch – you can
770 give her a stiff… sentence. That’s the usual procedure, isn’t it? And just think: if it’s a fine sunny morning you can dispense ‘summery’ justice; if it’s snowing, you can sit by the fire; if it’s wet, you don’t have to go outside. And if you don’t wake up till midday, there’ll be no court officer to bar you from court.
PHILOCLEON I like the sound of that.
BDELYCLEON What’s more, if you get one of these speakers who just go on and on and on, you won’t have to sit there starving, and then take it out on the defendant.
780PHILOCLEON But I wouldn’t be able to judge as well if I was eating the whole time.
BDELYCLEON Nonsense! You’d be much better. Don’t they always say, ‘After chewing over the facts, the jury decided that the witnesses were lying’?
PHILOCLEON You know, I’m beginning to warm to this idea. But there’s one thing you haven’t mentioned. Who’s going to pay me?
BDELYCLEON I am.
PHILOCLEON Good. That means I’ll get the right change; I hate that sharing business. Do you know what that joker Lysistratus did to me once? They hadn’t got change so he and I were given a drachma between us. We went to the fish
