Frogs and Other Plays
Page 18
[AEACUS goes back into the palace, DIONYSUS collapses to the ground in terror.]
XANTHIAS What are doing down there?
DIONYSUS Oh no! My bowel is empty.55 Call on the god!
480 XANTHIAS Stand up! Somebody might see you.
DIONYSUS I feel faint. Give me a sponge.
[XANTHIAS extracts a sponge from one of the bags.]
Press it on my heart, there’s a good chap.
XANTHIAS There you go.
DIONYSUS No, here. That’s it.
XANTHIAS The heart’s slipped a bit, hasn’t it?
DIONYSUS What? Oh, yes – the sudden shock. It’s taken refuge in my… lower intestine.
XANTHIAS [realizing what has happened within DIONYSUS’ clothing] O most cowardly of men and gods!
DIONYSUS How can you say that? When I had the courage to ask for a sponge. A coward wouldn’t have done that.
XANTHIAS What would he have done?
490 DIONYSUS Wallowed in his own filth. At least I got up and cleaned myself.
XANTHIAS How very brave of you.
DIONYSUS Yes, I rather think it was. Most people would have been terrified by all those threats and long words. Confess, now, weren’t you a tiny bit scared yourself?
XANTHIAS Not a bit.
DIONYSUS Well, if you’re feeling so brave and heroic, how about taking my place? Here you are, you take the club and lion-skin – a chance to show your courage – and I’ll carry the luggage for you.
XANTHIAS Anything you say. You’re the boss.
[They exchange roles.]
There, how do I look? Xanthias as Heracles! I reckon the
500 part suits me better than it does you, you old coward!
DIONYSUS It’s a very good imitation of a slave dressed up as Heracles. Come on, let me have those bundles.
[Persephone’s MAID comes out of the palace.]
MAID TO XANTHIAS Oh, Heracles, darling, how sweet of you to come and see us again! As soon as our mistress heard you were coming she started baking. There’s several cauldrons full of pea soup, and we’re roasting a whole ox for you, and she’s been making cakes and biscuits. So come on in!
XANTHIAS Well, thank you very much, but I –
510 MAID I won’t take no for an answer. The birds are done to a turn, and you should see the dessert! Mistress has mixed the wine herself, it’s delicious. Come along!
XANTHIAS As a matter of fact I’ve eaten already.
MAID Don’t be silly. I’m not going to let you get away that easily. There’s such a pretty flute-girl waiting for you inside, and some other girls to dance for you.
XANTHIAS Dancing-girls, eh?
MAID Hand-plucked, and ripened to perfection. Come in and see for yourself. The cook’s just ready with the fish and the table’s laid.
520 XANTHIAS Tell those dancing-girls I’ll be with them shortly. [To DIONYSUS] Boy, bring in the luggage.
[The MAID goes in.]
DIONYSUS Here, wait a minute! Can it be that you’re taking my little joke seriously? Give me back my things and get back to your luggage!
XANTHIAS Can it be that you’re thinking of taking back this beautiful lion-skin, after you gave it to me and all?
DIONYSUS I’m not thinking of doing so, I am doing so. Give it here!
XANTHIAS Well, I’ll be – as god is my witness…
530 DIONYSUS What god? I am a god. You didn’t really expect to pass yourself off as Heracles, did you? You, a puny mortal!
XANTHIAS All right, all right. Take them. But if you ever need my help again…
CHORUS
The moral is plain as plain can be;
As everyone knows who has served at sea,
If you want to be comfy just roll with the ship!
Don’t stand like a fool with a stiff upper lip,
But learn from Theramenes,56 shrewd politician,
540 To move with the times and improve your position.
DIONYSUS
You can hardly expect me to watch my own man
Hard at it with dancing-girls on the divan,
And giving me orders, as likely as not:
‘Boy, straighten these covers and bring me the pot!
And take that lascivious grin off your face –
I’ll teach you that slaves should remember their place!’
[No sooner has DIONYSUS resumed the lion-skin than two LANDLADIES enter.]
550 FIRST LANDLADY Come here quick, here’s that rogue who came to our inn that time and wolfed down sixteen loaves.
SECOND LANDLADY So it is.
XANTHIAS This isn’t going to be fun for somebody.
FIRST LANDLADY And twenty portions of meat stew at half an obol each.
XANTHIAS Who’s going to get it in the neck now?
SECOND LANDLADY And all that garlic.
DIONYSUS Nonsense, madam, you don’t know what you’re talking about.
FIRST LANDLADY Thought I wouldn’t recognize him in his kinky boots! And what about all that salt-cod you had?
560 SECOND LANDLADY And cheese – fresh that day it was. He scoffed the lot, rind and all.
FIRST LANDLADY And when I asked him for the money, oh, you should have seen the look he gave me. He started roaring like a lion.
XANTHIAS That’s him all right. He’s always doing that.
FIRST LANDLADY And then he waved his sword round like a lunatic.
SECOND LANDLADY You poor dear.
FIRST LANDLADY Oh, he gave us such a fright. We had to run upstairs and lock ourselves in. And he went flying off, taking the doormat with him.
XANTHIAS He never could resist a nice doormat.
FIRST LANDLADY Well, we must do something. I know, what about calling Cleon?57
570 SECOND LANDLADY Yes, and Hyperbolus58 – he’s down here too.
FIRST LANDLADY We’ll fix him. Look at that greedy gob of his. I’d like to knock his teeth down his throat for him, eating us out of house and home!
SECOND LANDLADY Over the cliff with him!
FIRST LANDLADY Slit his throat with a sickle!
SECOND LANDLADY I’ll go and find Cleon: he’ll have him up in court before the day’s out.59
[The LANDLADIES go back in.]
DIONYSUS You know, Xanthias, I’ve come to grow very fond of you.
580 XANTHIAS Oh no you don’t! I know your game. I’m not playing Heracles again.
DIONYSUS Dearest Xanthias! Sweet Xanthias!
XANTHIAS How could I possibly get away with passing myself off as Heracles? Me, a puny mortal.
DIONYSUS Yes, yes, I know I’ve offended you. You’ve every right to be angry. Look, take this lovely lion-skin, it really suits you. And if I ever ask for it back, may I rot in hell. My wife and children too – even bleary old Archedemus.
XANTHIAS All right! On those terms, I’ll do it. [He takes the lion-skin and club, and loads DIONYSUS with the baggage once again.]
CHORUS
590 Well now you’re dressed up just the same as before,
A sight to make anyone tremble,
You must roll your eyes and swagger and roar
Like the god you’re supposed to resemble.
If you flinch or waver or fluff your role
And forget to speak bravely and brag, man,
You’ll be putting those suitcases back on that pole
And going back to your job as a bagman.
XANTHIAS
I’m sure you are right: I’ve been thinking a lot –
I know my own master, and if he
600 Considers there’s anything good to be got
He’d have these things back in a jiffy.
Meanwhile I must practise my sourest glare
And puff out my chest and stand steady.
How’s this for a truly horrific stare?
But wait – someone’s coming already!
[AEACUS returns, with numerous SLAVES carrying whips, ropes and chains.]
AEACUS Quick, tie-up this dog-stealer and I’ll give him w
hat he deserves. Get cracking!
[Two SLAVES bear down on XANTHIAS.]
DIONYSUS This isn’t going to be fun for somebody!
XANTHIAS [as Heracles] To hell with the lot of you! Don’t you dare come near me!
AEACUS Oh, so you’re a tough guy, eh? Ditylas! Skobylas! Pardokas! Come here! The man wants a fight.
[Three more SLAVES come forward.]
610 DIONYSUS He ought to be ashamed of himself. Taking other people’s things and then resisting arrest!
AEACUS The cheek of the man!
DIONYSUS He’s a hardened criminal.
XANTHIAS Listen, I’ve never been here before and I’ve not stolen so much as a bean off of you, I swear on my life. I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll let you torture this slave of mine. And if I’m proven guilty, take me off and execute me.
AEACUS Hm. What kind of torture do you suggest?
XANTHIAS Give him the full works. Rack, thumbscrew, gallows,
620 cat-o’-nine-tails. Pour vinegar up his nose, pile bricks on his chest – anything you fancy. Only don’t hit him with leeks or spring onions – it’d bring tears to my eyes.
AEACUS Fair enough. And if he gets damaged in the process, I suppose you’ll want compensation.
XANTHIAS No, no. Don’t worry about that. Just take him away and do your worst.
AEACUS We might as well do it here, under his master’s eye. [To DIONYSUS] Come on, put down those bags, and mind you tell the truth.
630 DIONYSUS You can’t torture me – I’m an immortal. If you do, I’ll… hold you responsible!
AEACUS You’ll what?
DIONYSUS Look here, I’m a god: Dionysus, son of Zeus. It’s this fellow who’s a slave.
AEACUS Did you hear that?
XANTHIAS I most certainly did. All the more reason to flog him: if he’s a god, he won’t feel a thing.
DIONYSUS Well, you’re a god too, aren’t you, Heracles? Why not let them flog you as well?
XANTHIAS Fair enough. Whichever of us squeals first, or even winces, isn’t really a god.
640 AEACUS You’re a good sport, sir. That’s what I call fair and square. [He takes a rope’s end from one of the SLAVES.] Right! Bend over, the pair of you.
XANTHIAS Wait a minute. How are you going to ensure it’s a fair test?
AEACUS Easy. You each receive alternate strokes.
XANTHIAS Good idea. [He bends over and DIONYSUS reluctantly follows suit.]
AEACUS [giving XANTHIAS a good whack] There!
XANTHIAS I bet you I won’t even feel it.
AEACUS I’ve hit you already.
XANTHIAS [feigning incredulity] No!
AEACUS Now for the other one. [He whacks DIONYSUS.]
DIONYSUS Well, get on with it.
AEACUS I’ve done it.
DIONYSUS Really? Well, what do you know? I didn’t feel a thing.
AEACUS Well, I’m not sure about that. Let’s try the other one again.
XANTHIAS Come on then, [AEACUS whacks him, harder this time.] Aagh!
650 AEACUS What’s the matter? Did that hurt?
XANTHIAS How strange! I’d quite forgotten about the Festival of Heracles up at the Diomeia.
AEACUS A pious impulse. [To DIONYSUS] Your turn. [He gives him another harder whack.]
DIONYSUS Ow! [He jumps up in pain.]
AEACUS What’s the matter?
DIONYSUS Men on horseback, look! [He prances about imitating a man on horseback.]
AEACUS Funny they should bring tears to your eyes.
DIONYSUS There’s a smell of onions.
AEACUS Sure you didn’t feel anything?
DIONYSUS Me? Not a thing.
AEACUS Oh, well, we’ll have to try the other fellow. [He whacks XANTHIAS harder still.]
XANTHIAS God almighty!
AEACUS Gotcha!
XANTHIAS Would you mind pulling out this splinter for me?
AEACUS What’s going on? Well, here we go again. [He whacks DIONYSUS just as hard.]
DIONYSUS Ahhhh-Apollo! Lord of Delos’ holy isle, or was it Pytho…
660 AEACUS That hurt him. Did you hear?
DIONYSUS How does it go, again? – Wonderful poet, Hipponax.60
XANTHIAS You’re wasting your time. There’s too much padding down there. Try here, just under his ribs.
AEACUS No, I’ve got a better idea. [To DIONYSUS] Turn round this way. [He hits him in the stomach.]
DIONYSUS Poseidon!!
XANTHIAS Hurt by any chance?
DIONYSUS [singing]… king of the mighty deep, lord of the crags and cliffs…
670 AEACUS I’ll be damned if I can tell which of you is the god. You’ll have to come inside. My master and Persephone will be able to tell – they’re gods themselves.
DIONYSUS I must say I wish you’d thought of that a bit sooner.
[DIONYSUS and XANTHIAS go in, followed by AEACUS and the SLAVES.]
CHORUS
Come, Muse of the holy dancing choir,
With wit and charm our songs inspire!
Here sit ten thousand men of sense,
A most enlightened audience,
Who expect a lot of a dancing choir
And set their hopes of honour higher
Than Cleophon – whose lips we’ve heard
680 Resounding, like a fateful bird,
An enigmatic spouting swallow,
Whose words, though difficult to follow,
Should not defy interpretation
Once they’re translated from the Thracian.61
And this is what that human fowl,
Like plaintive nightingale, will howl:
‘You always vote again, but wait –
Or else next time you’re for it mate!’
[The CHORUS-LEADER comes forward and addresses the audience.]
CHORUS-LEADER
We chorus folk two privileges prize:
To amuse you, citizens, and to advise.
So, amid the fun that marks this sacred day,
We’ll put on serious looks and have our say.
And first for those misguided souls I plead
Who in the past to Phrynichus62 paid heed.
690 It’s history now; their folly they regret.
The time has come to forgive and forget.
Oh, yes, they erred, but it does not seem right,
When slaves who helped us in a single fight
Now vote beside our allies from Plataea63
And put on masters’ clothes, like Xanthias here.
Not that I disagree with that decision –
No, no, it shows intelligence and vision –
But if we’re going to treat these men as brothers,
Let’s be consistent and excuse the others.
When we have been so wise, it seems a pity
700 That men of our own kin, who’ve served the City
In many naval battles – not just one –
Should still be paying for this thing they’ve done.
Come, wise Athenians, come swallow your pride!
We need those loyal kinsmen on our side;
As they will be, if every man who fights
Is a full citizen with all his rights.
But if we choose to strut and put on airs
While Athens founders in a sea of cares,
In days to come, when our history is penned,
They’ll say we were completely round the bend.
CHORUS
If I’ve any knowledge of people at all,
I’ll tell you with confidence what will befall
A rascal with whom we have long been encumbered,
Whose days on this earth, I assure you, are numbered.
He’s sly as a monkey, his voice might be quieter,
710 He does very well as a wash-house proprietor;
He’s Lord of the Earth, for he sells it in pots
For cleaning your woollies and getting out spots;
He makes up detergents that won’t even lather,
Wee Cleigenes64 knows that his joys will soon cease
Yet he won’t be persuaded to advocate peace;
A cudgel is one thing on which he’ll insist
To save him from thieves when he staggers home pissed.
CHORUS-LEADER
I’ll tell you what I think about the way
This city treats her soundest men today:
By a coincidence more sad than funny,
It’s very like the way we treat our money.
The noble silver drachma, which of old
720 We were so proud of, and the one of gold,
Coins that rang true (clean-stamped and worth their weight)
Throughout the world have ceased to circulate.
Instead the purses of Athenian shoppers
Are full of phoney silver-plated coppers.
Just so, when men are needed by the nation,
The best have been withdrawn from circulation.
Men of good birth and breeding, men of parts,
Well schooled in wrestling and the gentler arts,
730 These we abuse, and look instead to knaves,
Upstarts, nonentities, foreigners and slaves –
Rascals all! Honestly, what men we choose!
There was a time when you’d have scorned to use
Men so debased, so far beyond the pale,
Even as scapegoats to be dragged from jail
And flogged to death outside the city gates.
Misguided friends, change now, it’s not too late!
Try the good ones again: if they succeed,
You will have shown that you have sense indeed;
And if things don’t go well, if these good men
All fail, and Athens comes to grief, why, then
Discerning folk will murmur (let us hope):
‘She hanged herself, but with a first-rate rope!’
ACT TWO
Scene 1: Before the palace of PLUTO.
[XANTHIAS and a SLAVE of PLUTO’s are engaged in menial tasks.]
SLAVE He’s a real gentleman, your master, by Zeus.
740 XANTHIAS Of course. Like all real gentlemen he only understands two things: swigging and frigging.
SLAVE But fancy him not flogging you for making out you were the master and he was the slave!
XANTHIAS He’d have been sorry if he tried.
SLAVE Ah, that’s the way I like to hear a slave talk – I love it.
XANTHIAS Love it, eh?
SLAVE There’s nothing I like more than badmouthing my master behind his back.