Bad for You (Dirty Deeds)

by J. Daniels

  I held my breath.

  Fighting off tears out of pure joy, I moved aside so Sean could enter my apartment.

  He walked to the couch and took a seat on the end. I secured the door, then sat on the cushion beside him.

  “Talk? TV?” I asked. “I was watching Shameless before you came over. Ever watch that?”

  Sean shook his head. He looked lost.

  “That’s okay. All the seasons are on demand right now, so we can start from the beginning.” I snagged the remote off the cushion and cued episode one again, starting it over. “The one girl’s name is Fiona.” I smiled when that grabbed his attention. “If you don’t like it, we can watch something else.”

  “Watch what you want.”

  “Don’t tempt me. I have four episodes of Sheer Genius saved,” I warned, grinning at his furrowed brow. “Relax. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “I got no idea what this is.”

  “It’s a reality show focused on hair styling. I never watched it when it originally aired, then I caught some reruns last month. Instantly hooked me. Now I have my DVR set to record them all when they pop on. But it would seriously bore you. Shameless is better.”

  “Put on what you want. I’ll sit here.”

  I sucked in a breath as my nose started stinging.

  Sean just wanted to be here. That was all he wanted. He didn’t care about anything else.

  I fought the urge to hug him again and settled for squeezing his knee.

  “Which shows do you like to watch?” I asked.

  “Don’t know. I never had a TV.”

  I slowly turned my head and gaped.

  Then before Sean could see it and feel embarrassed, or anything that might make him want to bolt again, I quickly looked away.

  “It’s overrated. I don’t even know why I have one. I barely watch it. Most shows are crap.” I peeked over at him without moving my head.

  I thought, though I couldn’t be sure without being obvious and actually turning to look, that his mouth was lifted.

  That possibility made me seriously happy.

  The show started. Sean watched with focus while I watched with half focus, giving him more attention than the Gallaghers.

  Then, before I knew it, my long day of haircuts and colors caught up to me, and I’d dozed off at some point during episode two.

  I knew this because, when I finally stirred awake and my lashes fluttered open, I saw the on demand menu pulled up, with episode three cued.

  Someone just needed to hit play.

  I planted my hand to push off the cushion, but feeling a firm thigh under my palm instead of comfy coach, I froze. That was when I registered the feel of breath moving in Sean’s body.

  His chest rose under my cheek, slow and steady.

  I opened my eyes more.

  Sean was still upright, but I wasn’t. I had somehow curled up against his side in my sleep, nearly on top of him. My arm was draped around his waist, my leg was thrown over his knee, and my cheek was pressing to his chest.

  I was literally sleeping on Sean.

  Tilting my head back, I peered up and saw his head resting against the cushion. Sean’s eyes were closed. He was out cold.

  He wasn’t holding me or touching me in any way I wasn’t encouraging. His one arm was draped over the armrest and his other, as I slowly peeled away, I saw was resting on the back of the couch behind me.

  One might interpret that as an invitation to cuddle.

  Maybe that was exactly what I’d done. Or maybe Sean and I fell asleep simultaneously, and being the natural cuddler I was, I instinctively took the opportunity presented to me.

  I couldn’t be sure how this had gone down. I just knew I really didn’t want to move, ever, and furthermore, I really didn’t want to do the very thing I did next.

  “Sean,” I whispered, rousing him awake with my touch on his cheek.

  Eyes slipping open, he lifted his head while inhaling through his nose, and looked over at me.

  “It’s after two in the morning,” I informed him, noticing the time when I’d seen which episode was cued up on the TV. “We fell asleep.”

  He sat up more, brought his arm that was behind me down between us, and scrubbed at his face. “Shit,” he muttered, sliding forward. “That show put me out. You were right about TV bein’ crap. Fuck, that was bad.”

  My mouth fell open.

  He looked over at me and chuckled.

  I sighed and melted deeper into the cushion, because Sean laughing inside his chest was a beautiful sound I didn’t hear enough, and I didn’t even care about him insulting my taste in television anymore. That laugh made up for it.

  Then, because my sigh was audible and borderline swoony, I played it off so it wasn’t weird by stretching into a yawn.

  Sean pushed off from the couch and stood.

  “Are you leaving?” I asked, getting to my feet as well.

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay to drive? You’re not too tired?”

  He smirked, asking, “You Mama-Bearin’ me?”

  “I’m looking out for you,” I countered, laughing at him. Mama Bear. That was cute. “I don’t want you wrecking or anything.”

  “I’ll be fine,” he said.

  “Okay. But, still, can you do me a favor and text me when you get home? Just so I don’t worry…”

  Sean stared at me, his brows moving slightly lower, his eyes narrowing the tiniest bit, so faintly, I’d have missed it if I wasn’t already looking directly at them.

  Then he did something I will never, ever forget, no matter how many times he did it again, if I was lucky. I’d remember this first time forever. I just knew I would.

  Because he had never done anything like it before.

  Sean reached out as he stepped closer, getting beside me at the same time as his hand reached around and settled on the side of my neck. Then, as his head dropped beside mine, his hand gave me a squeeze.

  It was gentle, barely any pressure, but I felt it.

  It was his version of a hug.

  Before I could think to do anything in return or say a word, Sean dropped his hand and moved away.

  I watched over my shoulder and followed him to the door, the skin on my neck tingling wonderfully.

  As Sean went to leave, that gentle look was back in his eyes, and his mouth was lifted ever so slightly in the corner when he jerked his chin in farewell.

  “Later,” he called out.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  Friends hug, Shay. You know that. Snap out of it!

  “Uh, later,” I returned.

  The door shut behind him.

  Before I turned in for bed that night, I got my text. One word.

  Home.

  I stared at it, smiling, until I fell asleep.

  Chapter Twelve

  SEAN

  You will never see them again, Sean! You hear me? NEVER! Look what you did to them. Just look! Go ahead! Look at your girls, because it’s the last chance you’ll ever get. I’m done! You are DONE!

  My hands, steepled in front of me, shook as my elbows dug into my knees. I pressed my fingers to my mouth and breathed harshly across my knuckles.

  I was sitting on the step outside my house, watching the road. Waiting. I could feel myself trembling. My entire body, not just my hands.

  I’d been a fucking wreck like this all day. I cut myself twice at work. I nearly ran off the road coming home.

  This is a mistake. I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready. I don’t deserve—

  My phone beeped from the back pocket of my pants. I dug it out, wondering if it was Val telling me she’d changed her mind and fuck you, you’ll never see them again, you piece of shit.

  But it wasn’t Val.

  Have fun with those beautiful girls and SMILE. You did it, Sean! xx

  Shayla.

  I took a breath after reading. It felt like my first one in minutes. I immediately felt better.

&nb
sp; What the fuck would I have done if Shayla hadn’t been working with me today? The whole time, every chance she got, her voice was in my ear, telling me how proud she was of me and how my girls will be proud too. How much they’ll love this house and what I’ve done to it, and seeing me…how happy it’ll make them.

  I didn’t ask her to do that. I didn’t tell Shayla I needed to hear what she was saying, she just knew.

  Just like now…she just knew what I needed.

  This would not be happening if it weren’t for her. Not now. I’d still be waiting to get furniture, meaning my girls would not be seeing me today, since Val wasn’t allowing them to see me without checking out where I was living. The meet had to be here. She wanted to make sure I was stable—that I didn’t lie about the house. I got that. She didn’t have any reason to believe me. I had done nothing but lie to her before.

  And I wouldn’t have allowed my girls here if the house wasn’t ready. It was ready now because of Shayla. Because of what she’d done for me.

  This was all because of her.

  I’d tried staying away from this girl. I knew I had no business being around her. Then I made it my business being around her, because seeing her cry was not something I ever wanted to fucking see again. Now I was in a spot with her I wasn’t familiar with—we were friends. She cared about me. She did things for me because she wanted to do them. She did things for me I never expected. She smiled at me. She hugged me. She helped me. She wanted me around.

  She did all this without being obligated. She just did it.

  I wasn’t nothing to her, and I did not fucking understand that, but fighting her, fighting this…I couldn’t do it.

  How the fuck could I stay away? How could I go back to being nothing to everyone when what she was offering felt so fucking good?

  You put food in front of a starving man, he’s going to eat it. No matter if he thinks he deserves it or not. It was about survival.

  And Shayla was keeping me alive.

  I didn’t respond to her text, but I did read it again, then stowed my phone away just as a black car slowed down in front of the house. It pulled in the driveway behind my bike, parked, and cut the engine.

  Breathing heavily, I stood up, watching Val get out of the car first.

  She looked at me across the roof, offered a tight smile, appearing hesitant. Then she looked at the house as she opened the back passenger door.

  I started regretting not doing anything to the outside yet. The landscape looked like shit. A few of the shingles on the roof had popped off. I could’ve power-washed the siding.

  Why the fuck didn’t I do that?

  Val bent down for a minute, then straightened up holding Fiona in her arms, and I quit thinking about siding or the fucking landscape as my youngest buried her face in her mother’s neck and hid from me.

  Fiona was shy and made you work for her affection—but I worried she’d grown out of that, and it was me she was reacting to right now. She was hiding because she didn’t want to see me.

  Sweat broke out at the base of my neck, and my breathing went from heavy to fucking panting.

  “Look what you did to them!”

  Val closed the door, and I watched Caroline peek out around the back of the car before Val ushered her forward. The three of them stood at the trunk.

  Caroline was wearing nothing but pink.

  Pink shirt, pink puffy skirt, pink tights going into pink shoes that sparkled. There was a pink clip in her hair on one side, a small pink book bag in her hand, and on her wrist were the bracelets that matched the ones she’d made for me. The threads she’d cut and tied herself, only hers were all pink and mine were different colors. She still wore them.

  The only time I took mine off was when I was forced to. Had to get the knots out with my teeth so the motherfuckers holding me wouldn’t cut them off. And the second I got out, I put those bracelets right back on. That was the first thing I did.

  It meant something to me seeing Caroline still wearing them. I wanted it to mean something to her. I wanted to take it as a good sign, but I couldn’t.

  Caroline used to rush at me. Anytime she saw me after going some time without, she never walked, she ran. She couldn’t get to me fast enough. She was the opposite of Fiona. Caroline loved fast and easy.

  She wasn’t giving it now, though. She was holding onto Val’s leg, looking right at me while she pulled at her lip, appearing cautious.

  I told myself to move, to fucking move to them, but I couldn’t. I stood there frozen, watching Caroline look up at Val and say something to her I couldn’t hear. Maybe she was asking her to leave. Maybe she was saying she didn’t like it here. Maybe she was asking, Who is that? Maybe—

  Val told her something back, then Caroline looked at me, got a grin on her face, dropped her book bag, and fucking rushed. She took off running across the grass, yelling, “Daddy!” her arms pumping.

  My ears burned with a memory.

  “Daddy! Daddy!”

  Choking on a breath, I darted forward and dropped to my knees in front of Caroline. She hit my chest full force and squealed, yelling, “Daddy! Daddy, you’re back!” like she’d missed me so bad, it killed her. My arms wrapped around her little body. I dropped my head and closed my eyes, feeling her hair on my face, smelling it. Baby shampoo—the pink bottle. I remembered that smell. Wetness built on my lashes as I kissed her cheek, her nose, her eyes when she closed them. I held her so tight, I worried I was hurting her, but her little arms around my neck kept squeezing me. She didn’t try pulling away.

  I told her I was sorry. I told her I loved her. I thanked her for rushing at me. I told her I missed her, over and over again. I kept kissing all over her face until she started laughing, then I went back to just holding her.

  “Daddy?”

  I leaned away, cupping her cheeks. “Yeah, baby?”

  Her little brows pinched together in confusion. “How come we couldn’t go on vacation with you?”

  “What are you talkin’ about?”

  “The vacation you’ve been on for the past year and however many months,” Val said, stepping up behind Caroline with Fiona still in her arms. “That’s where you’ve been all this time.”

  Jaw tight, I shook my head.

  “Sean,” Val warned.

  “I ain’t lying to them,” I told her, watched Val shoot me a disapproving glare I was ignoring because I was dead-set on this, then I looked back to Caroline. “Baby girl, Daddy wasn’t on vacation. I did somethin’ bad, and I had to go away for it. That’s why I couldn’t see you. I was bein’ punished, okay?”

  Her head tilted in my hands, and her little nose wrinkled. “What did you do, Daddy?”

  “You don’t need to worry about that. It’s done. I can see you now. That’s all that matters.”

  “You mean you were in time-out?”

  “What?”

  “You were in time-out,” she repeated, saying it as a statement now, like she’d figured it all out herself. She nodded slowly. “I go to time-out at school when I do something bad. I have to sit there forever, Daddy. Sometimes I have to miss free play. That’s where you’ve been. You were in time-out.”

  I wouldn’t ever compare where I went to some corner Caroline has to sit in for five minutes for stealing some other kid’s crayons, but if that was how she needed to understand this, I’d go with it.

  “Yeah, I was in time-out,” I agreed.

  “Daddy, don’t do that anymore,” she told me, face serious. “That was the longest time-out ever.”

  I chuckled and heard Val laugh softly too. “I won’t, baby. I won’t do that anymore,” I promised, then I wrapped my arms around Caroline again when she went in for another hug, and stood with her, putting my attention on Fiona now.

  My shy girl. My thinker—she still had her face buried in Val’s neck, but she was peeking at me with one eye, and almost…almost smiling.

  I got closer and closer, leaning in slowly until her there was nothing almost about
it—she was smiling now. Then I kissed her soft cheek, and she reached out for me, both hands seeking purchase around my neck. I gathered her up with one arm, taking her weight on my elbow, and pulled her close. I whispered, “Baby girl,” and kissed her again on the forehead while she played with the ends of my hair the way she used to. Caroline was pushing up my sleeve and inspecting her drawing on my arm. She ran her finger over it. I smiled at her, then I looked to Val.

  My ex was wiping tears from her eyes.

  I stepped closer until she held up her hand, stopping me.

  “I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said, sniffling, rubbing at her cheek. “God, I knew I would do this…Just, show us the house. You girls want to see the inside, right?” Val forced a smile and blinked away tears.

  “Yeah!” Caroline yelled.

  Fiona pointed at the door. “I wanna see it.”

  “Yeah? It ain’t much,” I told them, hoisting the girls up higher. “Still needs work.”

  “Sean, just show us the house,” Val said, sliding Caroline’s book bag up her arm. “They do not care about it needing work. Trust me.”

  “I wanna see my room!” Carolina squealed.

  “Me too, Daddy.” Fiona grabbed my face and forced our foreheads together.

  I thought about Shayla and what she’d said to me the other night about the girls only caring about seeing me, nothing else. Then I wondered why I didn’t ask her to be here. I should’ve.

  “All right, you ready?” I asked, turning toward the door. “Inside first, then I’ll show you out back. I got a tire swing out there for you two. Playground is next.”

  “A tire swing? Awesome!” Caroline punched the air, then wiggled down when I hit the porch and rushed inside, shoving the door open.

  Fiona started squirming until I put her down, and ran after her sister, screeching in delight.

  Their voices poured out of the house.

  I stepped aside so Val could enter next.

  She stopped in front of me, eyes soft, and put her hand on my shoulder. Her hair was tied back. There was pink on the ends, like Shayla’s. “You look good, Sean,” Val said.

  “So do you,” I replied, meaning that. My ex was a beautiful woman. Sweet face. Pretty smile—she still had it. The hardened life I’d put her through hadn’t changed her.