Human Test

by E. M. Foner

  The Ferrymen were working for you?

  No, I didn’t mean it in that sense. When I was a young AI in a robot body, I once spent forty thousand years watching bacteria evolve in a cave. I didn’t budge from the spot. Since transferring my consciousness to this form, I have trouble sitting still for more than a day or two. I get hungry and it breaks my concentration, not to mention my contact with the rest of myself, he said, jerking his thumb at the three clones sitting by his side who barely seemed to be paying attention. When we started the beta test, I thought that arranging for somebody to come check on us every ten thousand years was being overcautious.

  Why haven’t you contacted them?

  We came through a temporary portal. The only way we have of calling for help would be to build a technology base sufficient to send a radio signal to one of our listening posts light-years away.

  But given that you already have the knowledge, that wouldn’t take more than a few decades, I estimated. Maybe a century at the outside due to your limited numbers. Another fish came at me, but this time I was paying attention, snatched it out of the air, and chucked it back at the clone who had thrown it. Stop that!

  We’re on vacation, Art repeated. Who wants to spend their vacation building an industrial base, not to mention that it would interfere with our magic studies. Even though you’re young, you must understand how time passes for AI. I’m sure I have friends who haven’t even noticed I left yet. How would it look if I called for a rescue because I’m bored?

  I tried to see the matter through his eyes and realized that if I were he, I would hardly be in a hurry to let everybody on Library know what a massive miscalculation I’d made.

  “So what do you want from me?” I asked out loud. “I’ll have to report to my superiors that you’re here and I’m sure they’ll want to talk to you. Our first contact protocols are out the window in this case since they aren’t designed for encountering superior, I mean, older artificial intelligence.”

  The humans are going to ask for your help in setting up an alternative distribution network to bring their goods to markets the Ferrymen don’t reach.

  “How do you know this?” I asked, and was forced to snatch another fish out of the air. Talking with Art and his clones was just like talking with eBeth, except instead of making faces at me when I said something stupid, they threw fish. “Alright, you spy on the humans from the gardens they build for you. How did you ever get them to agree to that in the first place?”

  While human brains are on a completely different wavelength, we’ve found we can implant simple suggestions by making a group effort. It’s not mind-control, he added hastily. More like coaching.

  The egg-eating clone evidently got bored with the drawn-out conversation, and rather than wasting his energy generating a weak radio frequency signal, he grabbed a slate and printed, “Wands. Crystal balls. Scrolls of knowledge.”

  “You want to import magic teaching tools,” I surmised. “There are several mage worlds in the League, the leader among them being Eniniac. Library has good relations with them so I’m sure I can get what you need.”

  All four clones rose simultaneously, though the one who had managed an extra ale looked a bit tipsy. Art fished around in his long hair for a hidden pouch and produced a gold coin, which he slapped down on the bar.

  “I can’t change that,” I complained.

  Keep it, the Original transmitted. There’s more where that came from.

  “I look forward to doing business with you,” I called after them. Then I cleaned the pretzel crumbs, dried fish flakes, and little bits of hard-boiled egg from the bar, and I pumped a little water into the slop sink to wash the tankards. Behind me came an odd crunching sound, and I spun around to see Spot, both paws on the bar, his head in the dried-fish basket. It was too late to save them for customers

  “I’ll bet you’ve been waiting a long time for this chance,” I told him, turning back to the sink and finishing the job. I decided to give all of the tally slates a quick rinse while I had water in the sink, but strangely enough, the one listing the magical shopping list the Original had printed was already wiped clean.

  Fourteen

  I rode three hours up into the hills to meet Pffift in the secluded canyon that Paul had suggested for a landing. With my full sensor suite back online, I had no difficulty spotting a ‘My Life’ recorder strategically positioned to cover the site. I doubted that even the top racer on the planet could have followed Paul on his recumbent bicycle all the way from town, but maybe a trained bird? I put the recorder in my pocket and watched as the captain’s gig put down silently.

  Compared to the Hanker’s showy night landings on Earth with flames spitting from dozens of unnecessary rockets, the rendezvous was a bit anticlimactic. A ramp dropped as soon as the gig touched the ground and a human emerged to give me a friendly wave.

  “Pffift?” I asked in disbelief when I’d wheeled my bike close enough to talk without shouting.

  “The one and only,” he confirmed. “How do you like it?”

  “Your body? You look like a male model gone to seed.”

  “Good living,” Pffift explained, patting his potbelly fondly. “If I was really human, I would have invented stretchy pants for men a long time ago. You don’t enjoy eating and drinking, do you?”

  “A little, maybe. More than I used to. My customers sometimes insist on buying me an ale and it’s kind of habit-forming. Plus, it’s a great business model because I can sell the same ale again later.”

  “Ugh, spare me the details. So what’s the setup?”

  “No resident Ferrymen, humans are running the show, and there’s an ancient race of AI vacationing here in biological form, each with its mind shared over hundreds or thousands of clones.”

  “Scenario seven from our playbook,” Pffift said, nodding knowledgably. I was a bit put off by his nonchalance, but then he surprised me with a punch in the shoulder. “I’m kidding, Mark. Lighten up. This place is unique and Paul’s message implied that it’s a potential goldmine.”

  “It is,” I confirmed, studying the Hanker’s human body. “I don’t mean to be rude, but how much of your brain did you fit in there?”

  “All of it,” Pffift said, grinning at my look of disbelief. “You know that your new AI pals aren’t the only ones who know how to slice and dice a brain.”

  “So it’s not really a beer belly,” I surmised.

  “The buttocks were the only other place with room for more brains, but I like being able to sit down without giving myself a concussion.”

  “Why haven’t you gone back to your own body yet? You must have left Earth months ago.”

  “I knew that we were coming here and I’ve been enjoying having these bony little fingers. Here, I made you this,” he said, producing a leather wallet from his rucksack. It wasn’t up to Reservation standards, but it really wasn’t bad.

  “Thanks.” I slipped the wallet into my pocket and decided to make him a watch in return. “Let’s get you back to the village where you’ll be staying with Sue and me. Did you bring a bicycle?”

  “Let me see,” Pffift said, staring off into space as if he was consulting a mental image of his inventory. “Bicarbonate, Bichon Frise, boat anchors. No, it didn’t occur to me to pack a bicycle.”

  “I left my toolbox home so you can hop on the rack,” I offered, mounting the bike. “Go ahead, I won’t let it tip over.”

  “I’m not riding sidesaddle,” Pffift protested. “What kind of sissy do you take me for?”

  “You’re an alien in a customized vat-grown human body. Earth rules for boys don’t apply.”

  Pffift grumbled about it but he climbed onto the rack. “Let me off before we get back to civilization and I’ll walk the rest of the way.”

  The Hanker pointed his wrist-mounted controller back in the direction of the captain’s gig and issued a command. The ramp went up and the ship seemed to fade into the background as it projected a camouflage field. It was highly
effective in the moonlight but I suspected it would stand out like a sore thumb in daytime.

  “You don’t want your crew to take it back up to the mothership?”

  “I came alone,” he said. “I was back and forth to Earth so much when we were in orbit that I had my gig refitted for this body. I planned on selling it before I left, but their worldwide busybody organization—what was it called?”

  “The U.N.”

  “Right. They passed a law banning us from selling any more spaceships on Earth because of our little prank with the faster-than-light drive. How childish is that?”

  “It does seem counterproductive if you were willing to give them a decent price on a gig in good condition.” I took a risk on looking over my left shoulder so I could see his face. “It is in good condition, isn’t it, Pffift?”

  “It’s got four more roundtrips on the sealed gravity repulsion unit before it melts down if that’s what you mean,” he said. “So it’s not a workhorse, but it’s still worth something. Hey, watch the trail!”

  I swerved to avoid a boulder and let the conversation drop until we were nearing the outskirts of the village, where in accordance with Pffift’s request, I came to a halt. We both dismounted and I accompanied him on foot wheeling the bicycle. The sun had been up for about an hour at this point, and as we neared The Eatery, the Hanker’s wrist-mounted controller played a ring-tone that I recognized from one of the pop-music artists eBeth idolized.

  “Tiny village like this and they still need surveillance cameras to fight crime?” he asked after consulting the read-out. “That’s the part of my stay on Earth I don’t miss.”

  “The security camera is ours,” I told him. “It’s the only one on the planet, unless you count the millions of ‘My Life’ cubes the Ferrymen supply to document the chain of custody on export goods. The funny thing is that the only way to view the video is at the editing stations, and apparently those are limited to the spaceports.”

  “Billions of cubes,” Pffift said. “I have a contact on Alpha Seti Seven and we checked. The Ferrymen are single-handedly keeping in business the factory that manufactures those obsolete recorders.”

  “There are two other reservation worlds,” I reminded him, though the math still seemed funny. I leaned my bike against the side of The Eatery and led him back around to the front. “So, what do you think?”

  “Is this the whole town? What do people do at night?”

  “The ones who aren’t home sleeping hang out at my place and sing,” I told him. “It’s a quiet, hard-working place. I make more out of the lunch business than the bar.”

  “That’s completely upside-down,” Pffift said. “I got a primer in the restaurant business from the guy who bought your place and he said the only reason to serve food at all is to get people in to buy drinks.”

  “You met Lieutenant Harper?” I asked in surprise as we entered The Eatery.

  “After I moved into this body I spent quite a bit of time hanging around with him. Living places without much of a nightlife seems to be a pattern with you.”

  “But why did you stay there at all? You could have traveled all over Earth and visited the big metropolitan areas. I would have figured you’d be out there rubbing elbows with the rich and famous.”

  “Our emissary handled that. Besides, I had some experience in show business when I was young, and you never want to go on stage after a talking giant panda. Morning, Sue.”

  “Is that you, Pffift? I like the new look.”

  “Thanks. I had our medics create a composite model based on males appearing in Earth advertisements since I figured that would help me if I had to do any face-to-face selling. You know, those people were still complaining to us about the mall months after you left.”

  “You burned it to the ground without a permit.”

  “It was paid for and it’s not like I put in a phony insurance claim. Anyway, in the end we agreed on a one-time payment to purchase a new fire engine and they dropped all of the legal nonsense.”

  Sue led us into the dining room as if we were customers and showed us to a table. “And did you enjoy your time touring Earth, Pffift?”

  “He hung out in my bar drinking with the lieutenant,” I told her.

  “Not the whole time. I spent almost a month traveling, but your trains scared the hell out of me and the airport security was humiliating. Did you know they have machines that can see through your clothing?”

  “We never flew,” I reminded him. “Encounter suits and metal detectors don’t mix.”

  “You didn’t miss anything,” Pffift said. “You spend a lot of time waiting in line to sit in a skinny tube where they charge you for peanuts. If they had any brains at all, they’d give out the peanuts for free and sell more drinks.”

  “How are your wives?” Sue asked.

  “I’m between wives at the moment.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Between wives—get it?” Pffift chortled. “It’s a double entendre.”

  “We’re familiar with Hanker anatomy,” I told him. “We also grew out of double entendres a few hundred years ago.”

  “The dog got it,” he groused, gesturing at Spot, who did in fact wear a large doggy smile. “That reminds me. The Regent of Eniniac gave me a package for you.” He rummaged in the rucksack he wore over one shoulder and brought out a large tin that must have taken up half of the space.

  “For me?” I accepted the tin and pried open the lid. “These look like dog biscuits!”

  “The Regent made them herself and they say she never cooks.”

  I shrugged and tried a nibble. Spot growled and pawed the floor like a bull preparing for a charge.

  “All yours,” I told him, setting the tin on the floor.

  “Don’t do that,” Sue said, snatching it up before Spot could get there. “He’ll just eat them all and get sick. Give him that one and I’ll put these in the kitchen. You must be hungry after your long trip, Pffift. I’ll make you something for breakfast.”

  I tossed Spot the biscuit I’d tried and he caught it neatly, but his eyes shifted immediately to my second-in-command and he followed her into the kitchen to see where she would stash the box. “I remember you being terrified by magic, Pffift, and the Regent of Eniniac is way outside your league.”

  “You remember I told you I was sticking around Earth to load a big cargo,” he replied. “It was used tennis balls for Eniniac, hundreds of millions of them. The mages won’t install a space elevator, you know, and it took a thousand trips to shuttle all of those tennis balls to the surface because they take up so much space. You’ve never seen anything like it in your life.”

  “Last year I saw your lander turn a frozen golf course into a puddle and a mall into a bonfire. What’s so special about delivering tennis balls?”

  “Not the landings, the mages. Every time we put down there was a line of wagons at the spaceport waiting to be loaded. The shops couldn’t keep those tennis balls in stock, and I heard that the initial deliveries were selling for their weight in silver. Everywhere we went, there were mages chasing tennis balls, mages chewing on tennis balls, mages magically levitating tennis balls. If that cargo had been mine rather than a consignment, I’d be retired today.”

  “There’s always next time,” I consoled him. “If the Eniniacans are anything like Spot, they’ll tear the balls after a while, or lose them.”

  “Would you lose track of two ounces of silver because it rolled under a bush?” Pffift countered. “Anyway, whoever cornered the market for used tennis balls on Earth locked it up for the next century. I have to go back there every six months on their calendar to pick up another load if I want to keep the contract.”

  “Does it pay well?”

  “Better then some, and now that I know the Regent is involved, I’m pretty much stuck unless I want to go into hiding. Even then she could probably find me with one of those crystal balls.”

  “That’s true,” I said. When it came right down to
it, everybody was a bit intimidated by the mages, including artificial intelligences. My mentor had lived on Eniniac for a long spell in his youth, studying magic for Library, and though he’d never mentioned knowing the leaders of the world, there was no other way the Regent would be aware of my existence. “But why would she want to send me a present?”

  “Maybe it was a bribe,” Pffift suggested. “We got to talking about business and the Regent is very interested in this world.”

  “You promised not to tell anybody!”

  “She knew all about it when I met her,” Pffift protested. “I think her magical wires might have got crossed somewhere because she told me to congratulate you on your engagement. Pretty crazy, huh? Imagine AI getting e—mummph.”

  “Don’t even joke about our engagement around Sue,” I warned him, my hand over his mouth. “She’s really sensitive about the whole thing.”

  “As long as you know what you’re doing. How long has it been?”

  “Just happened recently. My mentor must have sent the Regent a message, though I can’t imagine why.” I took a moment to review all of the open issues on my to-do list and came up with nothing but loose ends. “Did she say anything else?”

  “She gave me a hot tip to stock up on magical learning aides, but mages on Eniniac are always telling traders that because they can’t unload the stuff,” the Hanker said dismissively. He looked past me towards the dining room’s entrance. “And is this beautiful young woman eBeth?”

  “Who are you?” the girl demanded in response, proving that flattery doesn’t work on everybody.

  “That’s Pffift,” I told her. “He had a body grown after we left Earth and he’s still wearing it.”

  “Wow. That’s like a hundred percent improvement. How do you feel?” she asked the Hanker.

  “Jumpy, like I should be worried that something with fangs and claws is hunting me,” Pffift said. “Is that how you feel all of the time?”