Meant-To-Be Marriage

by Rebecca Winters

  “You weren’t a normal man, Jarod. You felt a calling which separated you from other men. It drove you to make vows to God you intended to keep for a lifetime…until I came along,” she half sobbed. “Our situation reminds me of a book I read in my teens about a woman who fell in love with a man while she was vacationing in the Sahara.

  “They went on a journey together. But her ecstasy changed to agony when she learned he was a monk who’d run away from the monastery.

  “Their happiness together vanished because he couldn’t live with himself after what he’d done. He loved his life as a monk too much. Until he’d seen her walking in the monastery garden, it had been all he’d known.

  “She couldn’t live with him under those circumstances. At last she encouraged him to go back to the life he’d always loved. That was the end of the book.

  “I sobbed for hours after reading it. To this day I’ve been haunted about her life, how she managed to live without him after experiencing such intense joy with him.”

  “I read that book, too,” he whispered. “It was a piece of fiction. I’m no monk, and I left the priesthood after asking for permission.”

  “And did you get it?”

  “From the bishop, yes. From the Pope, not yet. Maybe never.” Sydney felt her heart fail a little more. “But all you need to understand is that I didn’t become a priest for the same reasons the man in the story did.”

  She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, Jarod. I—I can’t deal with this. Please take me home.”

  To her immense relief, he started the car. They drove in disturbing silence all the way back to Gardiner.

  The second he pulled up in front of the apartment, Sydney opened the door and darted toward her unit. Yet Jarod somehow reached it before she did.

  “If you’ll invite me in, there’s a lot I need to tell you, explain to you. I didn’t grow up knowing I had a calling to the priesthood. It didn’t happen that way for me. I happen to believe life is a great journey. I’ve traveled down many of its paths, but I’ve yet to experience the ultimate.

  “Though I’ve loved my life as a priest, I’ve discovered one key element is still missing. With you, I know I could find it. Think on that before you doom us to a level of existence where it will take everything we have simply to survive.”

  Tears continued to stream down Sydney’s face. “I don’t care what you say. All the explanations in the world won’t change the fact that I’m the reason you left. I’ll never make it through life with that on my conscience.

  “I was wrong to have tempted you the way I did—wrong ever to have suggested you come to me—I’ll be paying for that sin for the rest of my life. But if you go back now, maybe one day I’ll be forgiven.”

  He eyed her intently. “For a woman who’s never gone to church, you wear your guilt like a garment. Why is that, Sydney? Where does all this self-inflicted pain come from? I’ve made my peace with myself and God. Why isn’t that enough for you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

  Jarod chewed on his lower lip. “I’ll be waiting for you after school tomorrow. If by that time you still can’t bring yourself to listen to me, then I’m leaving on Thursday morning, and I won’t be back. But if you let me walk away, you’ll discover that your life isn’t complete, either, and never will be.”

  She watched his long powerful legs eat up the expanse. After he drove off, she still stood there trembling. Partly from the cold night air, but mostly from his prophecy, which touched a chord deep inside her.

  He was right.

  Her life hadn’t been complete since meeting him. It would never be complete without him.

  But in order to live with him, she would have to marry an ex-priest.

  Visions of him in his collar and vestments saying Mass and giving communion flashed through her mind.

  How was she supposed to separate those images from the man who’d just left her wearing a polo shirt and jeans? They were two different men in the same body.

  He said he loved her more than the priesthood. But after they married, how long would it take before he realized his mistake and yearned for his former life?

  Terrified over the prospect, she dashed inside her apartment more tormented than ever. Her heart was weighted with too many questions for which there were no answers, except one.

  She did love him beyond all else.

  Yet in this case was her love enough to hold and keep him?

  That burning question was the one torturing her now. If Sydney ever had to give him up like the woman in the story, she wouldn’t want to go on living… She’d done it once and she knew she didn’t have the strength to do it again.

  Before Jarod reached the motel, his cell phone rang.

  Sydney?

  But one glance at the caller ID extinguished that hope. He clicked on. “Rick?”

  “Is this bad timing?”

  “Not at all,” Jarod muttered.

  “Have you been with Sydney?”

  He closed his eyes tightly. “I have.”

  The image of those first moments was indelibly engraved in his memory. One glimpse of the hunger in her eyes and he didn’t worry about the frozen expression of her features. She’d gone so still he was able to trace the perfect symmetry of her oval face.

  Every time she’d come to his office in the past, he’d studied those same unforgettable features and straight nose that gave her so much character.

  Tonight his gaze had followed the lines of those lovely bones beneath a complexion that had turned pale despite her suntan. Her sculpted mouth looked drained of its natural pink tinge.

  All her color had seemed to be pooled in those dark-fringed eyes whose myriad of rainbow flecks reflected the blue tone of the cotton sweater she was wearing. They pulsated with life though the rest of her body had gone perfectly still.

  She’d emanated a quiet anger that would have daunted him if he didn’t know through years of counseling that anger masked many emotions. He’d wanted to surprise her in order to judge her first reaction. Whatever she felt, she hadn’t been indifferent to him. He’d needed that much positive reinforcement to counterbalance his own deep-seated fears.

  “Did her reaction tell you everything you needed to know?”

  “That and a great deal more than I had imagined…”

  “You sound like you’re in torment.”

  “I’ve given her until Thursday to find the courage to really face me.”

  “What happens if she can’t?”

  “I haven’t asked myself that question yet. How is Father Lane handling everything?” He needed to change the subject or go a little mad in the process.

  “I say this in charity. He’s trying his best, but Father Kendall’s shoes are impossible to fill. The phone has been ringing off the hook. Kay says everyone in the parish wants to know where you are and when you’ll be back. Before this place explodes, the hierarchy needs to make some kind of announcement soon.”

  Jarod bowed his head. “All anyone needs to know is that I’m on retreat. Give it another couple of months and things will settle down.”

  “That’s what you say, but I don’t think so.”

  “How’s Kay?”

  “If you mean, how did she react when I told her the news, she cried all night. By morning she’d recovered enough to tell me she loves you more for knowing your own heart and doing something about it. She knew I was going to phone you, and told me she was praying you and Sydney will get together.”

  “Coming from your wife that means a lot, Rick.”

  “I’m sending my prayers with hers.”

  “I’ll need them,” Jarod admitted. “Sydney blames herself for my leaving. She has begged me to go back before it’s too late.”

  “That’s only natural. You’ve had fifteen months to consider your actions. She needs time for the shock to wear off.”

  He rubbed his forehead. “I’ve counseled hundreds of people, but I’ve never met anyone whose g
uilt runs as deep as hers. To be honest, I’m not at all certain she’ll be able to let it go.”

  “A conscience like that is revealing of her true nature. No wonder you love her.”

  “She’s exceptional.”

  “So are you. Somehow I have to believe you’ll get together.”

  “After seeing her again, I can’t fathom going through life without her.”

  “The power of love can work miracles.”

  “I’m going to hang on to those words, Rick. Thanks for calling.”

  “Don’t forget I’m always here if you need to talk.”

  “That goes both ways. Good night.”

  Jarod hung up the phone, immobilized by the real possibility that the power of love wasn’t going to be enough.

  Aware Jarod would be waiting for her when back-to-school night was over, Sydney’s nerves were so fragile, she jumped when the bell for seventh period rang.

  The last group of parents and students filed in her classroom. She greeted each one and handed them a disclosure. She was about to shut the door to give her presentation when one more person approached.

  “Jarod—” Sydney cried in startled surprise when she saw who it was.

  “At least you didn’t call me Father Kendall. That’s progress,” he said in a low aside. His bold gaze made a swift appraisal of her face and figure clothed in a navy skirt and blazer.

  Heat swept into her face.

  All day she’d been anxious and keyed up knowing they’d be together before the night was over. But it completely threw her that he would come into the school.

  Dressed in another suit, this time of charcoal-gray with a white shirt and pearl-gray tie, he was so good-looking, he eclipsed all the men in the room. Everyone stared at him, particularly the mothers and female students who were mesmerized by the gorgeous male stranger in their midst.

  They’d all be shocked to learn that until very recently, he’d worn a collar and black robes.

  “May I?” he murmured, taking the last paper from her hands. Before she knew it, he’d found a place to sit at the back of the room next to Steve Carr and his parents. Steve had been one of her junior rangers.

  “Hey there, Syd—” The cute high school senior gave her a big grin.

  She nodded to him, wishing he hadn’t acknowledged her like that in front of Jarod who noticed everything and might start up a conversation with him.

  Sydney didn’t want anyone to know about the priest from her past, especially not Steve whose dad was a ranger. Talk spread like wildfire among the other rangers. The less anyone knew about her personal life, the better. Then she wouldn’t have to face the questions when it was all over.

  By some miracle she made her way to the front of the class without stumbling. After giving her little speech about the year’s curriculum, followed by her expectations of participation and behavior, the principal’s voice came over the loudspeaker.

  “We want to thank all the parents for coming. We’ll look forward to seeing your children bright and early Monday morning to begin another exciting school year. Until then, enjoy your long Labor Day weekend.”

  Most of the students in the room made a face before clustering around Sydney’s desk. Since they knew her from their many visits to the Park throughout the year, they were excited to discover she’d left her job as a ranger to teach them English.

  Though she was flattered by their interest, and tried to pay attention, her gaze kept straying to Jarod who was in conversation with Steve and his parents. At this point they would know he wasn’t a parent. That in itself would raise speculation about his presence.

  Seeing him in the back of the room made her realize that he really wasn’t a priest anymore. Until this moment, nothing about his arrival in Gardiner had seemed real.

  Her heart pounded unmercifully to realize that since he’d made the decision to leave the priesthood, he was free to go where he wanted, do what he wanted. He’d given her until tomorrow morning to make a decision about marrying him. If the answer was no, she would never see him again.

  But how could she say yes when she had so many fears? Yet how could she possibly let him go when she was so painfully in love with him?

  Little by little the room emptied until they were alone. He strolled toward her, bigger than life.

  “Your students are crazy about you, especially Steve Carr. You’re a natural with people, young or old.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered while she straightened her desk.

  “What did you tell him about yourself?”

  “That I’m a counselor and am considering settling down here in Gardiner. I refrained from informing him I plan to marry his teacher as soon as possible.”

  Her breath caught.

  “Is there anything I can help you do before we leave?”

  “No—I’m ready.”

  “Good. Then I’ll follow you home and we’ll go to dinner.”

  “No—” she cried jerkily. “I’d rather we weren’t seen together socially.” The fact that he’d shown up at her classroom tonight was bad enough. Going out to dinner would generate more gossip. After he left Gardiner, she didn’t relish making explanations to any more people than she had to.

  His eyes gleamed. “Fine. I much prefer talking to you at your apartment.” He reached the door and flipped off the switch. “After you, Sydney.”

  She could hardly breathe as she moved past him and they made their way down the side stairs to the nearest exit. They passed a few teachers and parents. Sydney smiled at them, but kept walking at a brisk pace so no one would detain her. The less explanations to anyone about the attractive male at her side, the better.

  After escorting her to her car, he followed in his blue rental. Her apartment was only a few streets away. By the time he pulled in one of the visitor stalls and came around to help her, her heart was pounding out of control. She could hardly move her limbs. Being this near to him made her go weak with desire, but always accompanying it was this stabbing guilt.

  He looked down at her from veiled eyes. “Shall I get in the passenger side so we can talk, or are you going to invite me inside your place?”

  “I-it would be better if you just left now,” she stammered.

  Though they weren’t touching, she felt his body stiffen. “You never want to see me again. Is that what you’re saying?”

  She shook her head in despair. “I want you to go back to Cannon.”

  Jarod’s eyes grew bleak. “But it’s not what I want.”

  Heartsick she cried, “You wanted it once, or you would never have taken your vows. It’s too late.”

  “Shall we continue talking here where everyone in the complex can hear us?” he reminded her in a low voice.

  He was right. Since she’d driven in, two other tenants had come out to their cars.

  Summoning her strength, she got out of the driver’s seat and hurried past him toward her apartment. While she unlocked the door, he followed at a slower pace.

  In a final effort to be strong, she barred the entry, letting him know she didn’t want him to come in.

  “I’ve had time to think it over. I won’t be the person who’s responsible for ruining your life. One day you’ll thank me. Time and a change of scene without me is what you need to come to your senses.”

  “Sydney—” His voice sounded like it was reaching out to her from deep inside a dark cavern.

  She trembled despite her resolve. “This has to be goodbye, Jarod.”

  In a move of desperation, she closed the door and locked it.

  Sydney listened for his car. When she finally heard the sound of the motor and knew he’d driven off, she staggered over to the couch where she collapsed in despair.

  Her loss was so great, she couldn’t bear it. Great heaving sobs broke from her body.

  The dream she’d dreamed of his giving up the priesthood for her had come true. This was the real thing. But it had turned into a nightmare.

  How could she marry him knowing t
he part she’d played in his decision?

  Beset by new fears, she cried uncontrollably. What tormented her now was the knowledge that he intended to live in the world like any other normal man. It meant he’d meet other people, other women, any of whom would give everything they had to be his wife if they were lucky enough to be loved by him.

  I want to live the rest of my life with you, Sydney. I want us to have children.

  So what if he got her pregnant, then later on wrestled with his desire to be a priest again?

  That part of my life is over.

  He could say that now, but when he’d taken his vows, he’d meant to honor them forever, too.

  How did she know that in a year or five years, he wouldn’t change his mind again and want to go back? Then she and their child would become the obstacle in his path to true happiness.

  That would mean she was twice responsible for his pain. She would lose him twice. While she was still reeling with her own debilitating pain, she thought she heard a knock at the door.

  She lifted her head from where she’d been lying in a crumpled heap to listen.

  “Sydney?” came Jarod’s urgent voice.

  She thought he’d gone a long time ago.

  “I’ve been listening to you crying. Let me in, or I swear I’ll break this door down.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  “PLEASE DON’T DO that!” One thing Sydney knew about Jarod. He would carry out his threat.

  She leaped from the couch and hurried over to the door to open it, but her eyelids were so swollen, she could hardly see out of her eyes.

  This time Jarod didn’t wait for her permission to come inside. After closing the door behind him, he turned to her with a forbidding expression.

  “I promise not to come near you or touch you, but you’re not getting rid of me until you’ve at least heard me out.”

  Jarod exerted such a powerful force, she was helpless to defy him any further.

  “W-would you like some coffee first?”

  “I’d love some, but I’ll make it.”

  She could just imagine how ghastly she looked after her long crying jag. It was humiliating to realize he’d been outside the whole time, privy to her anguish.