“All right,” she murmured. “I’ll freshen up and be back in a minute.”
Once in her bedroom, she changed into jeans and a dark green cotton sweater, then she went in the bathroom to wash her face and brush her hair. After applying lipstick, she felt a little more prepared to face him.
When she went back to the living room, she found him standing there drinking from a mug. Hers was on the coffee table. She picked it up before sitting down in the over-stuffed chair next to the couch. While he eyed her movements, she tried her hardest to avoid his direct gaze.
“I was a man first, Sydney.”
She swallowed some of the hot liquid before answering him. “I’ve heard that a lot of priests have an affinity for the priesthood early in life,” she whispered.
“Nothing so romantic happened to me. The truth is, I come from a dysfunctional Long Island, New York, family and I don’t recall the last time any of them stepped inside a church.
“Until late into graduate school, I could never have imagined joining any church, let alone giving up women.”
The unexpected information shattered all Sydney’s preconceived notions concerning his path to the priesthood.
“Ever heard of Kendall Mills?”
Sydney blinked. Every household in America baked with Kendall Mills flour. He was that Kendall? They had to be worth millions, maybe even billions.
“I—I don’t think I want to know anything more,” she said in a throbbing voice.
“That’s because you’ve had me on some kind of pedestal and don’t want to find out I’m not the saint you’ve envisioned. But we can’t hope to have a life together if you never let me explain my past.”
There could be no future. She knew she couldn’t make him give up everything for her, but she was starving for information about him because she loved him so terribly.
Defeated for the moment, she bowed her head.
“I realize you’re terrified of the man behind the robes,” he said with a compassion she didn’t want to feel. “You know all about the priest, but you know nothing about Jarod Kendall, the man.”
“It doesn’t matter, Jarod. The Church would take you back again—” She couldn’t prevent more tears from falling. “Whatever you’ve done, you can explain to them, tell them you’ve made a mistake—”
She heard a sound come out of him that could have been anguish or frustration, probably both.
“I didn’t make a mistake when I decided to become a priest. I haven’t made one by leaving, After you’ve heard what I have to say, you’ll view things differently. Tonight I intend to tell you everything I couldn’t speak of while I was still ordained.”
Because she could feel her defenses crumbling, it scared her to listen to any more explanations. When she’d known him as a priest, he’d been shrouded in mystery. It had added to her fascination of the mystique surrounding him.
To hear it all bared…
Sydney cupped her mug and drank thirstily as if the steaming brew would somehow fortify her against the power of his forthcoming revelations.
“Several of my mentors in the seminary felt the call as early as adolescence. Not so with me. In fact I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I knew I wanted to be a priest.”
Their gazes met. “Do you remember in my office when you told me that organized religion meant nothing to you, Sydney? I could have told you I felt the same way growing up.”
She averted her head. After all their history together, it was so hard to hear this kind of truth come out of him.
“When I think about it, I suppose my journey began as a gradual process that started in my mid-teens. I had a big group of good friends, but it was my best friend Matt Graham with whom I spent the most time. Matt happened to be a Catholic who played on the parish basketball team in East Hampton where we all lived.
“Occasionally I went to practice with him and did his homework for him while I waited. One of the younger, energetic priests, Father Pyke, noticed me sitting on the sidelines and insisted I join them. He said my height and natural athleticism would be the added weapon they needed against the other teams in the diocese.
“Since I found it harder and harder to go home after school and hear mother crying in the bedroom, I hung around the church gym with Matt quite a bit.”
Sydney cringed, sensing some awful revelation was about to be disclosed.
“Before long I found myself confiding in the priest about the problems plaguing my family. Obviously I needed an outlet to ease my pain, especially because my brother and sister were both away at college.
“Since I didn’t want to confide in my friends, Father Pyke was the lucky one who got to hear my sorrows. I found a certain comfort in realizing I could talk to him and know it wouldn’t go any further. Looking back at that particularly difficult time with my family, I can see why I was drawn to him.
“He was a great listener. When he heard the ugly truth about my father being a womanizer, he didn’t patronize me with empty platitudes.”
A groan came out of Sydney. Hearing this was too painful.
“My parents are socially prominent people who’ve always had a hectic agenda that has kept them running from one event to another with no regard for their children’s emotional needs.
“Little by little I told the priest all our ugly secrets. I was hurt and angry over my father’s behavior because it wounded my mother who drank too much. The fighting between them was getting worse.
“At one point my mother told me the latest woman my father had been seeing was married, making an awful situation even more reprehensible. Yet she wouldn’t think of leaving him because they both needed each other’s family money more than they craved peace or honor.”
Jarod was painting a horror story that would have been too much for any child to bear. Moisture dripped off Sydney’s cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, Jarod.”
“You can’t comprehend it, can you. Sydney? At the time, neither could I,” he said with a profound sadness that went bone deep. “For one thing, our family has been in the Hamptons for generations. Because of that fact, a lot of people know my parents, or know of them. Intermingled with my pain was the shame I felt that they were the major topic of conversation behind closed doors.”
She cringed. No boy or girl should have to live with that kind of hurt. The tragic picture he was painting devastated Sydney who couldn’t help but contrast his up-bringing with her own happy home. Though there’d been differences of opinion on certain issues from time to time, there’d been no strife between her parents to destroy her security.
“Worse, Matt’s father worked on Wall Street. Both our families moved in the same social circles. To avoid humiliating questions, I stopped going over to his house. In time the church gym or the priest’s study became the only places I felt safe from gossip for the rest of my high school experience.
“After graduation Matt and I, plus a few other friends, traveled around Europe for the summer. We met women, we played and partied to our heart’s content. After three months of freedom from family problems, I was thankful to be starting Yale on a full academic scholarship for my undergraduate studies.”
Sydney knew him to be an extremely intelligent man. His admission only increased her admiration for him in the midst of so much heartache.
“My father had always hoped I would attend Princeton like my elder brother Drew, and join the family business after graduation. Liz was at Wellesley. But I wanted to go to a place where the Kendall name didn’t precede me at every turn. My father hated it that I didn’t need to rely on his money for my education.”
She shook her head. It was ghastly. All of it.
“He expected me to attend law school and take my place in the family corporation. But I was so chagrined over the strained relations with my parents and siblings who didn’t want to talk about our family’s problems, I found myself drawn to classes in psychology.
“My struggle to understand the dynamics driving my unha
ppy parents dominated any other plans I might have had.”
“I can understand that,” she murmured.
“At one point in my studies, a guest lecturer who happened to be a priest from St. Paul, Minnesota, well known for his successful counseling techniques, taught for a semester. His insights into people and relationships within the family unit captured my interest.
“During my last talk with him at the end of the semester, he suggested I attend seminary in St. Paul which combined earning a masters degree in professional counseling. I laughed and offered the comment that if I were Catholic, the idea would make a lot of sense to me.”
With every revelation, Sydney’s astonishment grew.
“I never saw him again and went on to graduate, at which point I broke up with the woman I’d been living with for a year.”
Living with? For a whole year?
“W-why didn’t you stay together?” Sydney couldn’t help asking, already insanely jealous of the other woman’s place in his life for that amount of time.
He flicked her a penetrating glance. “For the same reason you didn’t end up marrying Chip. I wasn’t in love with her, and she wanted to get married.”
His counter effectively silenced her.
“As soon as graduation was over, I returned to East Hampton and asked Father Pyke to teach me what I had to do to join the Church. In less than a year, I was baptized, confirmed, and received the Eucharist at the same time.
“To my father’s angry disbelief, not to mention the rest of my family’s utter humiliation and bewilderment over my decision, I left for St. Martha’s ministerial college in St. Paul where it all came together for me, setting me on a path that seemed to have chosen me.”
So that was how it had happened.
By now Sydney was on her feet, unable to sit still. The unvarnished truth was so different from her erroneous conjectures, she didn’t know what to say or think.
“The visiting priest who’d shown such an interest in me at Yale took me under his wing. Once I was ready to assume my duties, we talked about possible places I might go to.
“He told me there was a parish in Cannon, North Dakota, which had been in need of a priest for some time. He painted a charming picture of the Cannonball River of Lewis and Clark fame that flowed across the scenic plains past that rural southwestern community which had grown from a fort.
“I must admit that after the background and bitterness I’d come from, the idea of serving a population of 900 people of multidenominations who made up the little town, delighted me.
“Its reputation for Midwestern ethics of strong moral values and hard work held an irresistible appeal for someone who’d seen the opposite in action within the walls of my own home.
“After the bishop of the Bismarck diocese interviewed me, I was excited to be assigned there. That was ten years ago.
“In the beginning I determined to know my congregation’s hopes and fears, joys and sorrows. I lived in the midst of them, performed wedding ceremonies, baptized babies, counseled families and individuals.
“During the first eight years of my ministry, those things hadn’t been a distraction from prayer, but a source of my prayers. For me the parish was a sacrament, the window through which I found and viewed myself.
“To my satisfaction the numbers swelled after my arrival. I’d never been happier or enjoyed life more. Every minute was a joy…until I met one Sydney Taylor…”
A stab of fresh pain drove Sydney to bury her face in her hands.
“No man enjoys looking at a beautiful woman more than I do. I’ve known and dated many women both at home and abroad. Some of those relationships were intimate.”
He’d lived with someone for a whole year… Did she know the real Jarod at all?
“But marriage never entered my mind. It seems my parents’ battle-scarred marriage did more damage to me than I realized, putting me off the institution that had locked the two people I loved in mortal combat.
“Later on when the time came for me to take the vow of celibacy, it hardly made a ripple on the surface of my consciousness. The carnal side of my nature had already been indulged to my satisfaction. I’d been fed.
“For me, the most important vow I took was the private one I made to myself, knowing it would be my greatest challenge. I vowed to help make a difference in the lives of other people since I hadn’t been able to fix my own parents’ problems.”
He paused to study her for a breathless moment. “Yet eight years later, I found out that wasn’t my greatest challenge. Upon a first meeting with you, it took all of one second to feel the force of physical attraction again.
“When you and Brenda walked in my office, I took one look at you and my heart literally stopped for a moment. By the time you left, I felt an ache that has never gone away. I battled with my feelings after I let you go and I realized the thing had happened my mentors had warned me about when I thought I knew it all.”
“Don’t say any more!” she cried.
“I have to finish this, Sydney.”
She wanted to run away, but there was no place to hide.
“I remember the precise moment in seminary that I mocked Father McQueen inwardly when his subject for the day was ‘the temptation of the flesh.’”
Sydney shuddered.
“The older priest’s choice of words sounded as if he’d lifted them straight out of Victor Hugo’s Hunchback of Notre Dame. But I stopped mocking Father McQueen’s words from the moment I met you, Sydney.
“With the chemistry so overpowering between us, I realized your feelings for me were equally profound.”
They were.
“Over the weeks and months you were in Cannon, I tried to fight my desire for you, but no battle was ever won. Ours was a love that had caught on fire. Incredibly, that ache never went away.
“If remaining in pain was my punishment, then it became too much to bear. My ministry began to suffer even though the parishioners might not have been aware of my turmoil.
“But I didn’t fool everyone. My friend Rick Olsen knew something was wrong. Sometimes I caught him looking at me with a solemn, even pained expression. I had reached the zenith of my agony and couldn’t remain in that state any longer.”
Sydney nodded. She’d thought she could forget by leaving Cannon the moment her teaching contract was up. But it had been a horrendous fifteen months since she’d left.
“Your little trip to Cannon the other day proves we’re still burning for each other,” he said the words she’d been afraid to say. “Every moment after you left, I struggled to get back my joie de vivre. But it didn’t happen. Each day became increasingly more impossible to get through.
“The need to see you was so acute, I felt ill. It was a sickness of body and spirit. For the first time in my life I’d fallen in love with a woman. Yet because of my vows, I couldn’t do anything about it. I struggled with that pain, Sydney, but now I have left the past behind me, for a future with you.”
Sydney understood that feeling better than anyone else.
“After Christmas the thoughts I’d been entertaining to leave the priesthood wouldn’t let me alone. Certain things happened I could no longer ignore.”
“What things?” She was so caught up in his confession, she couldn’t stop herself.
He bowed his head. “Before the Holidays, the Church sent funds for me to purchase a repossessed house from the bank at a good price. It would serve as the new rectory. I wanted the extra space to be put to good use, so I invited my newly married deacon to move in and occupy the top floor.
“One morning about two months ago I let myself in the house through a side entrance. It was so quiet inside, I assumed I was the only one there.
“I walked back to my suite of rooms on the main floor for some brochures I’d left in my study by accident. When I found them, I made my way down the hall to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. I’d decided I could use one before I returned to the office for the rest of the afternoon.
“The door was ajar, so I had no advance warning of what I would see through the aperture. The sight of Rick and his wife Kay in a passionate clinch by the fridge trapped the air in my lungs.
“I turned away, but not before I saw Rick’s hands roam over her body and heard her moan of pleasure.”
Sydney bit her lip so hard, it drew blood.
“That image drove me out into the ninety-degree heat. Combined with the humidity, it had felt more like a hundred when I’d first driven home. But the awful emptiness attacking me right then made me oblivious to the elements.
“It came to me what a mistake it had been to allow the Olsens to share space in the rectory with me. Since I was the only ordained priest serving the parish, I’d thought the practical thing to help solve their newlywed financial worries was to let them live there for a time and pay a modest rent.
“But as I’d already found out, two people in love can’t stay away from each other no matter how hard they try. Such a thing isn’t possible. Seeing Kay in Rick’s arms drove that point home as never before.
“It wasn’t the first time I’d managed to come upon them when they didn’t know I was there. I knew it wouldn’t be the last. They’d been like honeymooners since moving in, though they’d always been very careful not to be demonstrative in front of me.
“As I drove away from the house, I realized I had to do something about an untenable situation. After you left Cannon, I awakened every day to a void that was yawning deeper and blacker.”
So did I.
They stared at each other. “What a bitter irony that part of my ministry involves counseling people on a constant basis, yet it’s the counselor who’s in crisis now.
“I thought if I could find information about you—if I knew you belonged to someone else—maybe the knowledge would help extinguish the flame that’s been burning hotter and brighter despite everything I’ve done to put forbidden thoughts away.”
He drew in a harsh breath. “You have the kind of beauty that makes a man stop in his tracks. I couldn’t imagine you not being married after this long a time. I figured you might even have a child.”
Meant-To-Be Marriage Page 6
