Committed (Book 2) (30 Days)

by K Larsen

  ELLE

  I feel cold and lonely, like my heart and soul are empty. I have an arctic feeling in my stomach, like butterflies but feel more nervous than excited. By the end of the first week I start feeling guilty and questioning what I did wrong. The scars of Colin’s love leave me breathless. It seems like maybe we were just living on borrowed time together. I got too used to having him around. I gave him everything I had and no less. I tried to do it right but now it seems like wasted time. I should have walked away from him the grocery store that day and saved him from me, saved myself from this torture I feel now.

  It’s been fifteen days. My days are filled with counseling, group therapy and solitude. I find myself lost in grief staring out my window most days. The cavity where my heart used to reside is a gaping hole of pain. Everything I ever wanted in life was neatly laid out before me and I grabbed onto it tightly and let it sink in and become part of me just to have it ripped away. The loss of Colin makes my soul feel like it’s been shredded into a thousand tiny pieces. I get no visitors, no phone calls and no privileges this time around. I feel insane half the time because I wake in the middle of the night reaching for Colin only to find he isn't there. I can’t survive this.

  I’m dosed with a heavy sleeping pill each night to ensure I sleep. They check my mouth to be sure I swallowed each time I’m given medicine. My time in Searsport feels like a different life, something I imagined. The only thing that reminds me it was real is the hurt I feel in my chest. I miss his eyes. His smile and that dimple. I miss the warmth of his breath at my neck and the sound of his voice.

  “Elle.” Rachel calls through my open door.

  “Yes?”

  “You have a visitor.”

  “I do?” I ask perplexed. “Who is it?”

  “Mr. Jowett?” She answers. My heart just about leaps out of my throat at his name. I jump off my perch at the window racing towards the door. Rachel escorts me to a small private room where Joe is waiting for me. When she opens the door and I see him, flesh and blood sitting at a table, I dart to him wrapping my arms around him in excitement.

  “I’m happy to see you too Elle.” He chuckles.

  “I’ve been so worried that no one called you that I was just rotting away here!”

  “Colin wasted no time in calling.”

  “Colin.” I breathe. “How is he? Did he read the letter? Does he think I'm certifiable?” My questions bombard him and he hushes me.

  “He is worried sick over you. That man is completely heartbroken without you Elle. I don't know what kind of voodoo you worked on him in a month’s time but he is hooked.” The smile on my face is so intense that my cheeks are burning from it. “We didn’t get much notice about being able to meet today so I have a message to relay from him but next time I can bring in a letter if you’d like.”

  “Yes. Please. What does he say?”

  “I’ll never let you go.” He shrugs not understanding its meaning. I nod my understanding as my eyes instantly spill over tears of love and comfort. His words are bittersweet. I absentmindedly rub my fingers over our tattoo on my ribs as Joe continues on.

  “I’ve filed the divorce paperwork, we should hear back within the month. The will of course is set and updated and I’ve got the psych evaluation ready to go if Ryan contests anything.”

  “Joe, I need you to look into my sister’s car accident and a Mick Tyson. Something Mick said when he took me made my skin crawl. I think he had something to with my sister’s death. Hire a private investigator if you need to, you have access and permission to spare no expense from my account.” Joe nods while taking notes. “And, can Colin please be on the allowed visitor list?”

  “Elle, the courts granted me access to you only because I’m your lawyer. Ryan still technically has power of attorney but while we’re disputing that they’ve allowed me to meet with you. My hands are tied until I can prove Ryan’s conspiring against you.” My face must look as dejected as I feel because Joe quickly adds, “I will deliver any letters you two want to get to each other though ok?”

  “Yes. Alright. How long will I be here?”

  “Elle, the courts are backed up and it could be a while. The divorce, if, uncontested by Ryan could take anywhere from three months to a year.”

  “I won't last a year in here, hell, I won't make it six months. Do whatever it takes to get me out as soon as possible. I don't care about the cost.”

  “I’ll do what I can and we’ll meet once a week.” He confirms.

  “Can I borrow a pen and paper, I’m not allowed those in my room.” I ask.

  Joe hands me what I need and I start writing a letter to Colin and then one for Jenna. I try to keep them short and concise so I don't keep Joe too long, he has a three hour drive back to Searsport. For the first time in weeks I feel the smallest inkling of hope creep in.

  COLIN

  Joe called as promised on his drive back to town. His call had sent me into overdrive, I couldn't sit still and I couldn't wait for him to get back. I waited outside his office, jacket zipped up to ward of the chill of the fall evening air, pacing.

  “Colin. What are you doing here?” He asks fumbling with his bag while he exits his car.

  “I couldn't wait.” Joe half smiles at me stopping just inside the foyer of the building.

  “Here. It’s going to be a late night for me but you can read this at home.” He hands me a folded piece of paper. “Will you see Jenna tonight? I have one for her too.”

  “I can get it to her tonight yeah.” I answer taking the two letters from him. Joe bids me good night and I call Jenna to ask her to meet me at my place.

  Colin!

  I’m so glad to hear from you. Your message was perfect. I’m so alone here and missing you fiercely.

  It’s as if you’re my air, because I’m suffocating without you. Still no word on when we can see each other but please know you’re in my heart. You consume my thoughts.

  xoxo

  Elle

  I read and re-read the words she’s written wishing more than anything that she’d jump from them and appear before me. I want nothing more than to feel the warmth of her skin on mine, to hold her in my arms and to taste her lips. I feel so useless, like a failure knowing there is nothing I can do for her. The memory of the way she fit against me leaves me feeling like half a person. Jenna’s eyes glisten with unshed tears as she looks from her note to me. It’s not hard to tell that she too feels helpless.

  “What did she say?”

  “That she loves me and I’m her best friend and not to worry about her.” Her voice breaks slightly as she finishes. I pull her into a hug, as much for me as for her.

  “I’ll get her back.” I say determinedly.

  “I know, but how long can she last in that place Colin? It’s got to be so depressing and lonely. It would kill my spirit....”

  “Jenna, we will get her out.” She nods her head at me before picking up her purse.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I answer watching her leave. I plop down on the couch, dragging a hand through my hair and think back on the insane circumstances that led to this night.

  We had twenty eight days together but it feels like a lifetime. She’s right, without her it feels like I’m being strangled and fighting for air. I can’t just sit here day after day wishing I could at least see her face. There has to be some way to keep her near while she’s far. I grab a notebook and write a quick return note for Joe to deliver the next time he sees her and then head to Jenna’s to run an idea by her and Ben. I don't get home until well after midnight and I’m dog tired but too excited to sleep. I just need to talk to Joe in the morning to get a few details before putting things in motion.

  ELLE

  Blonde roots are starting to grow in at the crown of my head. There are bags under my eyes that age me far beyond my years and my skin is starting to look dull and lifeless again. I hate this place. My group therapy sessions are followed by meditation
daily and then I spend the rest of my day outside of meals in my room. Dr. Rand spends two hours a week with me. We sit and I refuse to talk. He looks disheveled and distracted, like something is eating away at him. I expressed clearly at our first session that I would not be talking to him but would be happy to have a new therapist. The look in his eye had startled me. It was desperate and intense as if he needed me instead of me needing him.

  “Elle, please talk to me. This is a complete waste of time otherwise. It’s been weeks now.” He pushes.

  “No. I’ll gladly talk to a different therapist, but not you.”

  “Why?” He exasperates.

  “Because Dr. Rand, I don't trust you.”

  “We made progress together before, what’s changed?” He probes.

  “I felt I had no choice before, I know better now. You and Ryan are up to something.” I watch his face pale and his eyes dart to the notebook in his lap. “How much?” I ask.

  “W-what?” He stutters.

  “How much did he promise you to keep me here?”

  “Elle, you’re being paranoid.” His voice shakes more with every word.

  “Dr. Rand, let me be clear, I am leaving Ryan, he will not get a penny from me, therefore if he’s promised you money-you won't get it.”

  “Elle, I’m so sorry. So sorry. I.... we can't talk about this.” His face is panicked and he’s jumpy now. I knew it, Ryan bribed him. I bristle at the realization and my anger flares as Dr. Rand stands abruptly to leave even though our time’s not up.

  “How could you?” I bark at him moving towards him. “I was so broken, my sister died, he abused me... but I wasn’t crazy!” His face is full of regret and sorrow.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Elle.” My hands are balled into fists at my sides and I’m shaking with rage. Before I can stop and think better of it, my fist connects with his cheek. His head snaps right and his hand flies to his cheek as he grunts in pain. Without another word I storm past him back to my room and refuse to speak with anyone.

  Twenty four hours later my door bursts open and Ryan comes barreling in not stopping until we stand just inches from each other. “You’ve really fucked things up.” He barks at me.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I sing back to him.

  “Elle, you can scare Dr. Rand, you can file for divorce, but you won't win. It makes no difference if we’re together or not but, together I spare your life. If you prefer it your way then know that I will put a bullet in you, maybe not right away but I will watch you drop one day when you least expect it. Either you give me the money or I take the money.” He spits. His mental instability terrifies me but I refuse to back down anymore. His eyes are trained on mine and full of hate.

  “There is no money Ryan.” I say flatly. “It’s gone.”

  “Fuck you Elle!” There is nothing but rage pouring from every pore of his body.

  “You’re not as smart as you pretend, and I’m a hell of a lot smarter than you think. You will never see a dime. It’s already done regardless of the divorce or not.”

  “You really have lost your mind haven't you?” He laughs. “What about Colin, Elle? What is he worth to you?” My heart seizes in my chest and I freeze unable to think about anything happening to Colin. I can feel my bottom lip start to tremble and the fists at my sides push into my hips so harshly that I know I’ll have bruises later. The thought of my world without Colin shakes me to the core. How could I survive never seeing those hazel eyes, feeling his strong hands on me or the passion in his kisses again. Rachel knocks on the door frame jarring me from my thoughts.

  “Dinner Elle. Ryan you’ll have to leave.” She snaps. Ryan slowly turns away from me, the lascivious grin never waning, and walks out. When I can't hear his footsteps any longer my legs finally give out and I collapse to the floor. Rachel rushes to me, scooping me up easily and sits me on the bed.

  “Elle, I heard everything.” She says knowingly. “What do I do to help?” For the first time in just over two weeks I feel like I have a friend again. I let my head loll to her shoulder and breathe deeply. “Talk to Joe.” I answer when I have control of my voice again. “He’ll be back next week.”

  “I had my suspicions from the start about Ryan, but I had no idea how bad it really was. Hang in there. At least you’re safe in here.” She comforts but it’s not me I’m worried about. I can’t let anything happen to Colin. I found my happiness, I found real love, and I’m not prepared to give either up anytime soon. This time I’m fighting for me, for what I deserve and want. I will not let Ryan back me into a corner and screw with me, with my life anymore.

  JENNA

  I think we finally have everything ready. I’m excited for Colin to finally feel like he’s doing something rather than sitting around and wallowing in the fact that really, there is nothing we can do until she’s out. I miss Elle like crazy. It’s funny how sometimes with some people your whole life can change in the blink of an eye. The day she asked me about the book I was reading seems insignificant but it sparked the most amazing friendship. One that I can’t imagine not having anymore.

  It was a shock to say the least, finding out she was married, abused, and committed. It turned my world upside down knowing she was taken against her will back to a world so black that I can't fathom how she ever endured it to begin with. The sadness that lingered in her eyes sometimes I attributed to the fact that her sister had passed away and she had no family left. I never would have imagined that she was surviving so much more than that. It just makes me want her near that much more. To make her smile.

  “Did you send them?” Colin asks bringing me back to the present.

  “Yup! They should arrive by four at the latest.”

  “Ok, and the posters? They’re all set?”

  “Yes Colin, stop worrying. Everything's ready for you and packed in the car.”

  “I’m nervous, and excited.” He confides.

  “I know,” I rub his arm soothingly, “but this is honest to god the best idea.”

  “I hope it cheers her up. I just want to see her smile.”

  “I know. Remember to check in with us when you get there alright?” He grins at me, showing off his dimple that Elle was always ranting on about and salutes me before folding into his car. I stand on the sidewalk watching his tail lights until they disappear. Ben’s arms come around my waist.

  “Hey. This is a good thing.” He murmurs in my ear. I let my head drop back to rest on his hard chest.

  “I know.”

  COLIN

  The three hour drive feels like an eternity. It gives me entirely too much time to think and overthink everything. Joe had graciously found out what Elle’s daily schedule was so that I would know when to expect her to be in her room. From his description I had a general idea where her window was but I still wasn't entirely sure which one to look for.

  Runnin’ Out of Air comes on the radio and I crank it up hoping music will help pass the time.

  The lobby of the Marriott is bustling with activity as I approach the reception desk.

  “Checking in?”

  “Yes. Colin Wilder.” Her nails click on the keys of the keyboard as she pulls up my information and gets everything in order.

  “Here’s your room key. Enjoy your stay Mr. Wilder.” She tells me after checking me in. I find the elevators, take one to the third floor and walk down the long corridor looking for my room.

  The light turns green and clicks as I slide my card into the door lock. I push it open, enter and glance around at my new home for the next fourteen days thanks to Elle and her bag of cash. Tossing my duffle bags onto the bed I move to the window and stare at St. Francis Hospital a block away. Patients’ rooms light up the building and the skyline. It looks ominous and cold. Behind one of those windows is Elle.

  I grab a quick bite to eat on my way to the hospital courtyard. It’s beginning to get chilly at night and the wind cuts through the buildings in the city like a knife. I pull my hat lower on
my head until I find the courtyard bench Joe told me about. I pull out the poster Jenna labeled one and my flashlight. Counting up from the ground floor one level and three windows left I shine my light at the window I think is Elle’s and wait.

  Just as I’m starting to feel like fool shining a flashlight in someone’s hospital room I see movement. Someone comes to the window. It’s hard to see through the bars and I find myself squinting to try and see if it’s Elle.

  A hand presses to the glass and I can feel it in my soul, it’s her. I hold up my poster and shine the light on it. The room light turns off but there is a soft glow still behind her. In the dim lighting I can see her better. Tears trickle down her face as she keeps her palm pressed to the window. The sight of her nearly breaks my heart. She leans her face to the glass and blows making it fog up before drawing a heart in the fogged glass. I stand for what feels like hours as she stares directly into my soul. It’s perfect and not enough all at the same time.

  I want nothing more than to hold her hand, wrap my arms around her or kiss her. When the light in her room comes on behind her she pulls her hand from the window and shoos me away. I watch shadows move in her room a moment longer before walking back to the hotel with a heart so swollen it might explode.

  I fall onto the moderately comfortable bed feeling satisfied. Her eyes had lit up when recognition set in. I’d give anything to take away the sorrow hiding in her expression. I can't give her much right now but like Jenna said, I can give her hope and smiles and that’s what I intend to do.

  I call Jenna and let her know that night one was a success. I have to hold the phone away from my ear as she squeals and demands details. I tell her what I think I know reminding her that I didn't get to talk to her so it’s just expressions that I’m going on. By the time Jenna and Ben are finished talking to me, the day has caught up with me and I’m beat. I click on the TV and hope something good is on to distract me until sleep finds me.