Picnics in Hyde Park

by Nikki Moore

  Melody subsided in her seat, as if letting the confession out had deflated her. ‘I agreed because you so obviously wanted to do it, whatever I was going to say or not say. You’re stubborn, Zoe.’ An expression of despair crossed her face. ‘You were determined and had this idea in your head that they had to pay. Oh, you were angry at them with good reason and I appreciated you wanting to defend me,’ her voice dropped, ‘but I think it was Greg you were really angry with.’

  ‘What?’ Zoe gawped at her, clambering back onto her stool and draining her wine glass. She winced at the pain in her ankle, eyes welling with tears. ‘That’s not fair. How can you say that? I was doing it for you.’ She felt like grabbing her clutch bag and running away from her sister’s words, and was giving it serious thought when Frankie touched her on the shoulder in a comforting gesture. It grounded her, gave her strength. She thought about this morning’s conversation with Ruth, one that felt like a million years ago. She’d run away before and would not do the same again, no matter how much it hurt.

  ‘I’ll admit I want to know why,’ Melody’s voice was determined, ‘but I never wanted you to splash him across the papers. You’re just so used to coming in and making decisions…my big sister taking charge.’

  ‘It’s what you needed after Mum and Dad died,’ Zoe defended.

  ‘But we had Ruth to be the adult, and I don’t need you to make my decisions for me, Zo,’ Melody’s voice was kinder now, ‘not anymore. Believe it or not, I’ve grown up while you were away.’

  ‘Yes, I can see that,’ Zoe blinked, Mel’s face a blur. ‘I’m sorry I missed it.’ Holding back a sob, she grabbed her sister’s hand. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Melody’s face softened. ‘Don’t be, you were just trying to protect me. And don’t be sorry for going to America. Whatever Ruth says and you might feel, I wasn’t angry with you. I just missed you and I was sixteen so I was more interested in hanging out with my friends than sitting in front of a computer to talk to my older sister. Teenagers are like that. They’re the centre of their own universe.’

  ‘Really? You mean that?’ Zoe asked, the knot in her stomach starting to unravel.

  ‘Yes. Please, stop torturing yourself. Don’t feel guilty. You’re back now.’ Taking a deep breath. ‘But respect me, Zo. Let me try and sort my own life out. I know I look a mess,’ she held a hand up at them all when they opened their mouths, ‘please, don’t even try for the empty platitudes. I look awful and I feel shocking. But I’ll get there. I had a resilient older sister who showed me how to survive.’ Curling her other hand tighter around Zoe’s. ‘This whole thing has given me time to think. I’m done being a nanny. I wasn’t passionate about it, and you were right about Matt. I should have tried harder. The children in our care deserve better. I only became a nanny because you did.’

  Zoe nodded, thinking of what Ruth had said. ‘I’m sorry if you felt pressured.’

  ‘I didn’t, I just wanted to be like you.’

  ‘That’s a compliment,’ Rayne joked as the tension at the table started to unfurl and drift away, ‘though why she’d want to be like you is a total mystery.’

  ‘Oi,’ Zoe protested, wiping her eyes on a napkin. She felt exhausted after a day of revelations. ‘So, what now?’ she asked, clenching her jaw as Melody chuckled and Frankie smiled. They didn’t understand the enormity of the question. Without a reason to stay with Matt and the kids, she’d have to leave. She would be anchorless, like a severed buoy adrift on the River Thames. The thought of leaving them caused a physical pain to arrow through her.

  ‘Zoe, are you actually asking me what I want?’ Melody teased, holding her hand to chest and feigning a heart attack.

  In that twinkle of a moment, Zoe could see that Mel was going to be all right. ‘Hey, I’m not that bad.’ A pause, ‘But yes, what do you want?’

  ‘I don’t want you to put Matt in the tabloids. It wouldn’t be fair to him or the kids.’

  ‘Oh, Mel, I’m really glad you said that,’ Zoe huffed out a massive rush of relief, shoulders shaking, ‘because I can’t do it. I wasn’t sure how to tell you, but it wouldn’t be right. It’s been eating away at me. I’ve felt so uncomfortable. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting the kids.’ Liar, a little voice whispered in her head, it was about Matt too. ‘But I didn’t want to let you down.’ Dropping her face into her hands, she took a moment to gather herself, thinking back to how she’d felt on arriving at Jemima’s from Heathrow to find her sister so devastated. The sun beating down on her head and burning the back of her neck, rage and adrenalin charging around her body. ‘You’re right,’ she whispered, looking up, ‘the Nannygate plan was fuelled by my fury at Greg for cheating on me and deceiving me, for making me feel shitty and worthless. I got off the plane angry and when I found out what happened to you, it made me a hundred times angrier. I transferred that to Matt and Stephen. I did.’

  Pausing as a waiter arrived and served their drinks, she smiled politely without registering how cute he was. She downed the pink citrusy Cosmo in one go, coughing as she slammed her glass down.

  Frankie took a sip of Manhattan, pulling a face and looking unsure as to whether she liked it or not. ‘Don’t be too tough on yourself, Zoe,’ she remarked, ‘you were heartbroken.’

  ‘I thought I was,’ Zoe corrected her, reaching across and robbing a sip of Rayne’s tangy Pimms.

  ‘Steady on,’ Rayne laughed, ‘or you’ll be under the table before dinner.’

  ‘Nothing wrong with that,’ she quipped.

  Frankie waited until the chuckles had subsided, then cocked her head at Zoe. ‘You’re not heartbroken?’

  ‘I expected to be, I was incredibly hurt and it was a huge shock, but when I look back, it wasn’t right. You know, sometimes it’s not until you have some distance from a situation that you can see it for what it is. I thought I loved him, but it wasn’t the kind of love you should build a marriage on. And when he contacts me now—’

  ‘What?’ Rayne slapped her hand down on the table. ‘He’s had the cheek to get in touch? I hope it’s to apologise.’

  ‘He’s said he’s sorry and loves me, and wants to talk.’

  ‘And?’ Frankie asked, as Melody put a clammy hand on Zoe’s arm.

  ‘I have no interest in talking to him. I don’t miss him, and nothing he says would change things. The thought of being near him makes my skin crawl. I’m still really angry with him, but there’s absolutely no temptation to hear him out or go back to him. He would never be the same person to me again, not after what he did. Besides, I don’t want to go back to the States. Now that I’ve been home I know this is where I belong.’

  ‘Good,’ Rayne exclaimed. ‘I’m glad to hear it.’

  The four of them smiled across the table at each other, all with suspiciously moist eyes.

  ‘I’m happy to hear that too.’ Melody tightened her hold on Zoe’s arm, leaning in. ‘You asked me what I want, sis. Well I’ve got one thing back that I wanted. You. Do you want to know what else I want?’ Her voice was slurred, the alcohol sweet on her breath. ‘I’d like to know the truth. So with Stephen still gone, do you think you could stand to be in the house for a few more weeks? Could you try one more time to get to the bottom of what I’m supposed to have done?’

  ‘Sure.’ Zoe threw an arm around her sister’s shoulder, heart pumping. As much as she was relieved to be going home to Matt’s tonight, there was also a piece of her that was petrified of getting in any deeper. ‘Anything.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Melody rested her forehead against Zoe’s and they sat there for a moment, making peace.

  ‘Enough of the drama now girls,’ Rayne tapped short burgundy nails on the table, ‘we’ve done our Oprah section, established our female solidarity,’ she teased to lighten the mood. ‘Now to have some fun.’ Grinning as the sisters straightened in their chairs, she looked at them expectantly, ‘So, is he hot?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Marvellous Matt,’ she said, tongue-in-cheek. ‘He look
s pretty fit in the papers, on the rare occasion he gets papped. Is he?’

  ‘Yes,’ Melody answered.

  ‘No,’ Zoe denied.

  They spoke simultaneously and Zoe shot a frown at her sister for the affirmative answer. Melody returned her look with a level gaze and a raised eyebrow, some of the spark returning. Oh come on, her expression seemed to say.

  Zoe’s cheeks went red and she pretended a keen interest in the stocky blond barman who was shaking cocktails for a couple at the bar.

  Rayne swept her gaze from one sister to the other, a smile quirking the side of her mouth up. ‘Er, what are you two not telling us? You don’t think he’s attractive, Zo?’

  ‘I guess he’s quite good looking,’ she said casually.

  ‘Quite?’ Melody arched both fair eyebrows. ‘Sis, you are either in denial or blind. I never liked him that way, but even I can admit he’s gorgeous. I mean he’s got that scar above his lip and his nose is a bit crooked where it’s been broken. He’s also a bit old-’ she stopped as Rayne snorted.

  ‘He’s only thirty,’ Rayne said, amused.

  ‘Well, I’m twenty-two, but as it happens I was going to say he’s a bit older than me. He’s also too serious. Stephen is twenty-three, so closer to me in age. We had more in common. Or at least, I thought we did.’ A shadow passed over her face. ‘Anyway, Matt’s just a friend—or was—and my ex-boss, but he has these lovely green eyes and great cheekbones. Actually, Zo, I’m surprised you’d say he’s only quite good looking. I would have thought he’d be right up your street. You always liked bad boys. Matt fits that description almost perfectly. He’s tall and broad shouldered too.’

  ‘Not really,’ Zoe mumbled evasively, still pretending a fascination with the barman, desperate for her face not to go any redder.

  ‘What are you on about?’ Melody demanded, clutching Zoe’s arm.

  ‘Huh? Nothing,’ Zoe turned to face her sister and friends.

  ‘Oh my God, you like him,’ Rayne said in a slow voice.

  ‘I—ah, no I don’t.’

  ‘Zoe?’ Melody peered into her face. ‘Do you like Matt? Because if you do, maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to—’

  ‘I don’t.’ Zoe stared into her sister’s deep brown eyes. ‘I don’t.’ It was an easy fib. What she felt for Matt was far more complicated than like.

  ‘Right. Enough of that,’ Rayne summoned the waiter and Melody let go of her sister, ‘more cocktails, followed by dinner. Anyone fancy a dance later?’

  Zoe rolled her neck, feeling the tension in her shoulders. ‘Oh, yes,’ she smiled, ‘I’m up for that.’

  ‘Oh, God,’ Zoe clutched her head. ‘Have they gone yet? I think I’m dying. Their voices were going right through me.’

  Matt chuckled. ‘You’re safe. They’re playing in the fountain. I can keep an eye on them. You rest up.’ He looked down at her with amusement as she readjusted her big black sunglasses and lay back on the grass. ‘You know that if this was a working day for you, I’d have to seriously consider firing you?’ he mocked, tugging down the peak of the baseball cap he’d worn to conceal his identity.

  ‘It’s because it’s not a working day for me that I saw fit to get myself into this state.’ She groaned as Hyde Park span around her, the cobalt sky sitting at an odd angle, the grass beneath her feeling like it was tilted at forty five degrees, instead of flat. ‘And you know that because it’s a day off for me, that’s why you have to keep an eye on them? Don’t try and act like you’re doing me a favour, Matthew.’

  He laughed at her use of his full name and lay down beside her on his front, chin propped on his hand so he could watch Aimee and Jasper splashing in the water. ‘Like the favour I did you when you stumbled out of the black cab at four this morning and needed help making it up the stairs?’

  She covered her face with shaking hands. ‘Oh, please don’t remind me,’ she moaned. ‘Sorry about that. But I told you, it was because I’d been dancing in heels for five hours and was crippled.’

  ‘It had nothing to do with the massive vats of alcohol you’d consumed?’

  ‘No,’ she whimpered. Just the word alcohol gave her flashbacks to the drunken, loud meal that had followed the cathartic conversation with her sister, the hazy, laughing bar crawl and the banging club they’d ended up in. Somehow she’d acquired a penis helium balloon from a hen party and Rayne had given away all her bangles to random strangers. It had been one of those nights that had been planned as fairly low key but that’d ended up as unexpectedly fabulous. Her mouth curled at the memory of tequila shots. They’d seemed like a good idea at the time. ‘Urgh.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Matt asked, touching her arm.

  ‘It hurts to smile,’ she complained. ‘And why is it so bloody sunny? It’s making me feel sick.’ Pulling her loose ankle-length patterned dress away from her body, she flapped a hand at the scorching sun, ‘Go ’way.’

  ‘God, you stink!’ Matt fanned a hand over her face.

  ‘Gee, thanks a lot.’

  ‘Of alcohol. It’s drifting out of your pores. Do you feel better for it though? Are you glad you had a night out with the girls? What about the dress, did it behave? You weren’t in any fit state when you came home to tell me if you ran into any millionaires.’

  ‘No millionaires and the dress behaved impeccably.’ She swallowed away a wave of nausea, the sound of a nearby radio playing an R ‘n’ B tune driving spikes through her head. ‘Let’s not talk about feeling better at the moment. Ask me again on Wednesday, which is probably when this hangover will last until.’

  He shook his head, ‘You’re really feeling sorry for yourself, aren’t you?’ He sat up. ‘Here,’ rooting through the straw picnic hamper he’d brought along, he handed her a bottle of icy water and started unwrapping a sausage sandwich from crisp foil.

  ‘That’s really kind, thanks,’ pushing herself slowly onto her elbows, she took the water off him and unscrewed the top, tentatively drinking some, ‘but I can’t stand the thought of that at the moment.’ She pointed to the sandwich, which was wafting meaty, tomatoey smells in her direction.

  ‘Okay, but you might just want to try. When I used to have a hangover the only thing that worked for me was eating my way through it.’

  ‘Not right now thanks. Has it been a long time since you had one?’ she asked, flopping back down onto the grass and squinting at him. He was the most relaxed she’d ever seen him in a pair of deck shorts and a white t-shirt, his face missing that usual tense, set expression he had when he was working.

  ‘About three years.’

  The amount of time his wife had been dead. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Anyway,’ he glanced over at the fountain, smiling as he saw Jasper chasing Aimee, flinging bucketfuls of water at her, ‘we were going to talk about Jasper’s birthday. Do you still feel up to it?’

  ‘It’s why I came isn’t it? Although,’ she pressed her fingers against her forehead, trying to massage the pain away, ‘I’m not sure whether all of my brain cells are intact today, and those that are left have probably been pickled.’

  ‘So you’re saying it might be an improvement then?’ Matt kidded.

  ‘Hey!’ Zoe rolled onto her side to face him and punched him on the shoulder, immediately regretting it when her stomach lurched. ‘Oh, Jeez.’

  Matt grabbed hold of her wrist, smiling down into her eyes, ‘I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to physically assault your employer.’

  ‘It’s a good thing I’m off duty today then.’

  ‘It is. Are you okay? You’ve gone a shade of white I’m not sure I’ve ever seen.’

  Zoe breathed in and out deliberately, sweat breaking out on her forehead, another current of nausea making her bare her teeth. ‘I think so.’ Please, do not let me throw up in public, she thought. Still, it didn’t stop her being aware that they were lying on the grass facing each other, her boobs only inches from his chest, their legs nearly entwined, his fingers stroking the inside of her wrist. A
prickle of heat grew at the bottom of her spine and was echoed in her pelvis, expanding outwards along her nerve endings. She had a desperate urge to snuggle into him, to curl up against his warmth and ask him to stroke her hair. God, she was such a sap when she was hung over.

  ‘Lie down,’ he ordered, ‘you can rest while we chat about Jasper’s birthday and I’ll make notes on my phone.’ Waiting until she rearranged herself on the grass, an arm thrown over her forehead. ‘So, what sort of thing do you think he’ll want? Should we try and rent out a hotel or restaurant do you think?’

  ‘He’s going to be five, Matt,’ she murmured, ‘he doesn’t need anything fancy. You don’t like him and Aimee being exposed to publicity because of your fame, so why do something a typical celebrity would? You could take him and friends out to an activity-based party, or better yet, why don’t you have a party at yours and book some entertainment?’

  ‘Really? I suppose it would be nice for us to do normal.’

  ‘It’s definitely worth considering. Personally I think Jasper would love having his friends over and would appreciate you being there and just being his dad for the day. Besides, there’s less than two week to go now. All the function spaces are going to be booked out, especially as its summer.’ She sucked in her cheeks. ‘Why not make it a themed party?’

  ‘What theme?’

  Lowering her sunglasses, she stared at him over the top of them.

  ‘Oh,’ he tutted at himself, ‘Ben 10?’

  ‘I’d say so.’

  ‘What about food? Shall I get the caterers in?’

  ‘If you’re going for normality, we do it ourselves. We could do a finger buffet, this is a bunch of four and five year olds we’re talking about after all, or we could—’

  ‘What about a BBQ?’ he interrupted eagerly. ‘I’m not bad at those.’

  ‘What is it about men, meat and fire?’ she rolled her eyes and then groaned as the action sent fresh barbs of pain through her head. Why had she drunk so much? ‘Yep,’ she exhaled, ‘I think that would work. Most kids like burgers and hot dogs, but we’ll have to include vegetarian and gluten-free options.’