She Sins at Midnight

by Whitney Dineen

  In shock, Josh replied, “Lila?”

  “Yes Josh, it’s me. Now what do you want?”

  He stammered, “Um… nothing.” When he hung up, Lila started to fantasize about getting fired. If Josh cut her loose, she could take some time off, go on unemployment and get on with the business of finding a real life. Sadly, she knew that the only way she would ever leave The Triple A was if she got canned. It was just too steady a paycheck to turn her back on otherwise. While not her dream career, her job did supply her with enough money to live on. It also offered excellent health insurance and a pension plan. How could she walk away from that kind of stability? Maybe it was just her hormones, but Lila was currently so disenchanted with her life that she was torn between banging her head on her desk and bursting into an emotional tear storm, the likes of which would have put El Niño to shame.

  That’s when she heard the clicking of stiletto heels heading her way. Then there was an impatient, “Ahem…” Lila looked up to find Melinda standing before her, size two Melinda, with the most remarkable set of flotation devices this side of the Mississippi, Melinda. Lila briefly flashed sixty years into the future to a vision of the movie star lying in a casket with her enormous missiles standing at attention. The mourners torn between saluting and just plain relieved that the wicked witch was finally dead. Melinda smiled sweetly (or rather her non-award-winning attempt at such) and asked, “Lila, are you okay?”

  Lila glanced up, “I’m just a little under the weather today, Melinda. Thanks for asking.”

  Undeterred in her glee, the actress announced, “Well, I have the BEST news for you! I read in ‘In Style’ of all places that fat girls are making a come back and I immediately thought of you. Isn’t that great?”

  Lila had no idea how she was to respond to such an asinine question. First of all, she wasn’t fat. She was tall and curvy. She studied the lip injected face of the young starlet and couldn’t for the life of her figure out what had caused her to become such an infernal bitch. After all, Melinda was Hollywood skinny, considered beautiful by most, and she was worth millions. Why did she always go out of her way to be so nasty to a lowly assistant?

  The only answer that occurred to Lila was that Melinda must simply loathe people who didn’t drop to their knees to worship the ground she walked on. Of course, there was the time that she walked into Josh’s office unannounced and caught Melinda worshipping at the ground that Josh walks on. It was such a horrific sight, that Lila wasn’t sure an exorcism would be powerful enough to erase the ungodly image from her mind.

  Lila opted to ignore Melinda’s enthusiasm and hit the button on the phone that connected her to her boss’s office, “The Queen of Oral Pleasure is here for your lunch date, Josh.”

  Her other line buzzed immediately and when she picked it up, she heard the boss man (or the Big B.M. as she secretly thought of him) yell, “Jesus, Lila, you can’t say that! What has gotten into you today?”

  Instead of conjuring a response, Lila opted to simply hang up on him. Then she smiled at Melinda and relayed, “Josh will see you now, your Highness.”

  Melinda gasped, threw her shoulders back (woe be to any dwarfs in the area, lest they lose an eye as her silicone boobies thrust forward so violently) and stomped into Josh’s inner sanctum in total and complete outrage. Lila shook her head at Melinda’s dramatic display and declared, “I have had enough of her crap. I have had E-N-O-U-G-H!!!”

  As soon as the bitch stormed away, Lila picked up her purse, grabbed the invitation to her reunion, checked to make sure her desk drawer was safely locked and headed toward the agency’s dining room on the third floor. Maybe she was suffering from a bout of low blood sugar and that’s why she had less patience than normal. Either way, she was going to sit down and enjoy every single simple carbohydrate in sight. Healthy be damned, she was in the market for comfort.

  Her best L.A. friend, Cynthia, was already in line at the buffet when Lila walked in. As soon as she spotted her friend, Cynthia pointed to an empty table near the window. After filling her plate with a tantalizing assortment of culinary pleasures, Lila snaked her way through the maze of chairs and joined her.

  Cynthia took one look at the heaping bounty on Lila’s tray and asked, “Hungry?”

  Lila sighed, “Today my friend, I’m eating for a variety of reasons, the least of which is actual hunger.”

  Cynthia raised her perfectly arched eyebrow, “Uh oh, what’s going on?” A year younger than Lila, Cynthia Flynn was 5’1’ and her size 2’s sagged on her. As such, she was the epitome of all that Hollywood held dear. She was pretty in that “I can afford the best products” kind of way and she was a barracuda of a business woman. Having been an agent in her own right for seven years, she was also one of the Wunderkind movers and shakers in The Land. The reason that she and Lila were such good friends was because she was also one of the nicest, sweetest, most sincere people Lila had ever met, although this persona was as heavily guarded as Fort Knox. Most of The Industry regarded Cynthia as a cold-blooded man-eater. Grown men actually feared her and she loved it.

  Lila didn’t answer her friend right away as her mouth was already full of buccatini drenched in a heavenly cream sauce. So in lieu of talking, she slid the invitation across the table with a look that said, “See for yourself.”

  Cynthia made a grab for the missive and almost before the engraved card stock was out of the envelope, she groaned, “Shit. There’s nothing as scary as a high school class reunion.” She actually had every right to fear them, as unlike Lila, Cynthia went to her ten year and made a spectacular display of herself. In her own words, she got drunker than an Irish skunk on St. Patrick’s Day and proceeded to tell anyone and everyone what she really thought of them. Then she threw up all over the dance floor. She claims to have forgotten what happened after that, but Lila just assumed that it was something so spectacularly awful that Cynthia chose amnesia as the best way to recoup her dignity. Still transfixed by the invitation, Cynthia demanded, “You’re not going are you?”

  With a new mouthful of noodles, Lila nodded her head in response.

  “Holy shit, Lila, why? Why would you do that to yourself?”

  Lila answered, “Believe it or not Cyn, I actually have some great memories of high school. And as much as I’m embarrassed by the fact that I am neither a wife nor mother, I would much rather spend time with people from my childhood, than say, Melinda Forrester and Josh.”

  Cynthia’s radar immediately went up, “Josh is a perpetual prick, so there must be something up with Melinda.”

  Lila relayed the scene that just took place in the office. She ended the tale with, “So I’m pretty sure Josh is going to fire me when he gets back from lunch.”

  Cynthia started to laugh so hard that she actually shot diet coke out of her nose. “You’re making that up! Tell me that you didn’t really call Melinda the Queen of Oral Pleasure right to her face.”

  “Sorry,” Lila answered, “Can’t tell you I didn’t when in fact, I did.”

  “Lila, my friend, I have more respect for you now than ever before. And don’t worry about Josh sacking you. After seven years, you know where all the bodies are buried. He’s not about to take the chance of your talking. In fact, this may be the perfect time to ask for a raise.”

  Lila mulled over that suggestion for a couple of bites before deciding that Cynthia might be right. After all, she secretly wanted to get fired, so what did she have to lose? No matter how she looked at it, this was a win/win situation. She started to feel a shift of power and for about a nanosecond she actually felt a little sorry for Josh. Then she remembered who she was talking about and the feeling passed.

  Unfortunately, Lila didn’t get the chance to confront the big B.M. with her new list of demands until the following morning, as Melinda accompanied him back to the agency to continue their “meeting” after lunch. When the star finally left, her hair was mussed and her shirt was mis-buttoned. As she passed Lila’s desk, she bestowed her nasties
t smile and sneered, “Poor Lila, you know you’ll never amount to anything.”

  Lila wanted to unlock her drawer and pull out her secret letter and yell, “Never amount to anything, huh? Well look at this you hussy! I bet you’ll never accomplish something like this!” Unfortunately, she couldn’t do that so she responded, “You might want to floss Melinda, there’s something dangling between your front teeth.” Lila felt like she had unleashed her inner Jasmine as the things she had been saying that day were much more in keeping with her alter ego than her own. She decided to have that talk with Josh before banishing her racier side. After all, she concluded, she could use the extra chutzpah.

  Lila finally confronted her boss at 7:32, the morning after her starlet induced personality shift. Feeling extra confident and daring, she stepped off the elevator onto the fifth floor, breezed past the receptionist, and strode purposefully down the hall through the imposing double doors that led to the super-agent’s offices. After dropping her purse on her meticulously organized desk, she forged into Josh’s inner domain without a knock, buzz, or even psychic communication that she was on her way in. She didn’t fear a replay of the Melinda incident (the one where she received her title), as Melinda would be in bed for hours yet and probably not alone either as she was currently dating Hollywood Legend, Oscar Solomon.

  As Lila stormed in, clearly startling Josh, he held up one finger to indicate that he would be with her in a moment. He said into the phone, “Sure Harley, great. Listen, something important just came up. I’ll call you later.”

  Lila raised her eyebrows at that. Something important, huh? Maybe she had inadvertently garnered some respect by finally losing her mind. Josh lay down the receiver and very conciliatorily greeted, “Lila, sit down. Can I get you a cup of coffee?”

  Lila briefly glanced over her shoulder to see if Rod Serling had just walked in before answering, “Sure Josh, that would be great. I take it with one fake sugar and a splash of hazelnut creamer.” Josh actually removed himself from his desk and proceeded to prepare her a cuppa. At that moment, Lila was convinced that even if he did fire her, it would be worth it just to witness him catering to her for once in all these years.

  After her first sip of caffeinated joy, Josh inquired, “How are you feeling today?”

  She smiled, “Pretty good, Josh, you?”

  Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he responded, “Doing okay, thanks. Listen about yesterday, what happened there?”

  Lila gave him a brilliant smile and confessed, “Bad period, hunger pains and high school class reunion.”

  Josh squirmed as men do when anyone of the female persuasion openly discusses her menses. “Right, so you mentioned yesterday. What I mean to ask is why did you say that thing about Melinda right in front of her?”

  Looking him squarely in the eye, Lila inquired, “Did I lie?”

  Josh was alarmed as this conversation was obviously not going in the direction he thought it should, that would be with Lila begging his forgiveness for her unspeakable, albeit entirely accurate gaffe. “Lila, Melinda is furious. She even threatened to leave the agency if I didn’t fire you.”

  Lila beamed and clung to the magic words, “fire you…” Trying to look cool, while inwardly delighted, she responded, “That sounds serious. What are you going to do?” She was sending him copious subliminal messages to cut her loose. She was so ripe to walk out the door with a tidy severance package that she could taste it.

  “Hell, Lila, of course I’m not going to fire you (damn), but you have to apologize to Melinda and make it sound sincere.”

  Lila was pretty sure that monkeys could tie her hair into knots and then set fire to it before she would ever apologize to Melinda, so she responded, “Apologize? As in, Melinda, I’m desperately sorry that you’re such a fantastic oral pleasure machine? Sure Josh, I can do that.”

  Josh started to turn purple. Actually, Lila thought it more of an eggplant hue, which she decided was a good color for him. “Lila, what is going on with you? You aren’t at all acting like yourself.” Lila knew what he really meant was, “Lila, why aren’t you bending over backwards to do my bidding like you always do?”

  After taking a slow sip of her coffee, Lila laid her cards on the table. “It’s like this Josh. I’ve decided that its time that I make some changes in my life.”

  Her boss looked decidedly nervous and interrupted, “You’re not quitting are you?”

  So Cyn was right, Lila thought. Josh didn’t want to lose her. “No, I’m not quitting, but I am going on vacation.” Then she took a fortifying breathe and added, “And I feel strongly that I need a raise (take that you short, bald molester of starlets.)” There was nothing like the feeling of standing up for yourself. Lila’s body positively hummed from the thrill of it.

  Josh went silent for a moment, clearly at a crossroads with what to do. Lila could almost see the little hamster wheel turning in his brain. He finally answered, “You know what, kid? I think it’s a great idea. In fact, I think you should take a month off. You certainly have the time coming.” Lila stared at him like he had just grown a second head when he continued, “As far as a raise, you’re right, you deserve it.” Jotting himself a note as he added, “I’m going to just go ahead and make it retroactive, starting last quarter. How does that sound?”

  To Lila, it sounded like Josh had clearly been alien abducted and had received a personality transplant. His generosity sounded too good to be true. But on further consideration, who was she to complain? Maybe she was finally getting her just desserts for standing up for herself. That was possible, right? Lila took another slow sip of coffee before answering, “Sounds fine, Josh. I leave a week from today. Anyone in particular you want me to train from the assistant’s pool to cover while I’m gone?”

  Josh’s face broke out into a sly smile. He actually rubbed his hands together like a penny opera villain about to say, “I’m going to get you my pretty…” before answering, “Yeah, how ‘bout that new girl Charlotte? You could start training her today.”

  Lila rolled her eyes, no longer worried that her boss was going to fire her for impertinence and mumbled, “Predictable.” Before he could respond, she picked up her coffee and sailed out of his office.

  From what Lila had been able to gather, Charlotte was the kind of subordinate that Josh had always dreamed of but couldn’t have for two reasons. One: if he had a twenty-two year old assistant who needed a bikini wax to wear the infinitesimal skirts that she did, his wife would invariably get suspicious. And two: he really did need an assistant with a brain in her head. He was one of the partners after all.

  Lila rang Joyce in the temp pool and told her that she was going to need Charlotte to report to her desk as soon as possible. Joyce commented, “Boy that girl sure is popular. I just sent her up to Rich Pelker’s office. His assistant just got wooed away by The Game Show Network.”

  “Sorry Joyce, ole Richie’s going to have to find himself another honey. Josh has personally requested Charlotte’s services for the next month.”

  “No worries, Josh’s request certainly outweighs Rich’s, but what’s up? Are you having surgery or something?”

  Lila laughed, “Yep, I figure a 36C is no longer enough to get me ahead in the company so I’m checking into Dr. 90210 for an augmentation.”

  Joyce enjoyed Lila’s humor. After all, she was fifty and frumpy and had been with The Triple A for almost two decades. She didn’t miss any of the machinations that went on in the agency. “Good for you. A nice G-cup is definitely the path to success. Listen, I’ve got to come up with a replacement for Rich. Hey, you know what? I think I’m going to send him a nice gay boy and see if he can’t keep it in his pants for awhile. I don’t think his job is going to last another sexual harassment suit.”

  Joyce was like the house mother in a fraternity. Even though the agency had several female agents, the majority of them were still men and Joyce liked to keep them on their toes when it came to assigning them assistants. The kids f
resh out of college, with an eye on the agent training program, shifted to new departments every three months so they could learn about all the areas of entertainment the agency covered. Assistants were moved around on a daily basis and Joyce was like God on the second floor, deciding who she was going to be nice to and who she was going to mess with.

  The year before, she didn’t receive her holiday bonus due to a “clerical oversight,” so she assigned the president of the agency an alarmingly tall and beautiful new right-hand named Chris. Everyone later found out that Chris was short for Christopher and while he looked like a gorgeous and exotic female from the waist up, from the waist down he was very much a Christopher. The president of the agency found that out after two weeks, the hard way. Christopher was somehow reassigned to the mailroom and Joyce received the biggest (belated) holiday bonus in the history of the agency.

  Charlotte, of the microscopic skirt, arrived at Lila’s desk not five minutes after being summoned. She had a very excited bounce to her step and immediately stuck out her hand and introduced, “Hi there. I’m Charlotte. I met you once in the dining room? Oh my gosh, I’m so excited to be assisting a partner! You know I’ve only been here three weeks.”

  Lila nodded her head as she did indeed know that Charlotte had only been there three weeks. She also knew that it had taken her a month to learn how to be Josh’s assistant and she had already had three years of training. Lila was looking more and more forward to this vacation. The way she figured it, she could demand another raise when she got back in order to sort out the huge mess that was about to be made on her bosses behalf. She didn’t feel the least bit sorry for Josh either. It was almost biblical. He asked and he was about to receive. For once in her life, Lila finally felt like she had the upper hand and it was a delicious sensation.