Letters to Me

by Eliza Rose

  “Cole I don’t hate you, I love you, but I can’t be with someone who did the things you have done and be in a successful relationship. We can be friends. I will always be your friend. You will always have me, but our relationship can only be a friendship. I’m sorry.” I tear up. I try to brush it away without him seeing. Too late. He was hyper focused on my face already.

  “Kimber, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I will spend the rest of my life regretting the choices I’ve made when it comes to you. I should have told you long ago that I had feelings for you. I shouldn’t have done the things I did. I don’t deserve your friendship or your forgiveness.”

  “It will take a while to forgive you, but I will. Let’s just stop talking about this and watch crappy tv.” We watch tv and I end up falling asleep. When I wake he is gone. As much as I love him it’s harder to be upset when he talks like that. I want to crawl in his lap and cry. I want to kiss him. I want to hug him. That all can’t happen I have to distance myself and my feelings. I have to take care of myself and continuing with these feelings is not what is best for me.

  Chapter 11

  Momma comes into my room at the hospital the next morning all smiles. Which taking in the place we are in makes me question her sanity. She does work here, but I’m all bandaged and broken. She sits down and looks at me with excited eyes.

  “Momma have you lost your mind or did you get ahold of some of the good stuff?”

  “KIMBER!” She yells at me. “That is not funny. I’m excited because you have received something very important in the mail. Actually three important somethings.” She reaches in her purse and grabs three letters in very thick envelopes. What is that? She answers me like she heard my thoughts.

  “All from the colleges you applied to. Open them!!” She is basically vibrating.

  “Momma I don’t know what I want to do. What if I didn’t get in to any of them?” My mind starts to race. The heart monitor beeps faster and faster. I take the envelopes from her and open the one from the University of Kentucky first. I just applied there for the fun of it. I like some of their programs and they have a lot to offer. ‘We are pleased to accept your application for admission. …. Partial scholarship… work study available…’

  “I got accepted.” I look at Momma dumbfounded.

  “OPEN THE NEXT ONE!” Wow, I’ve never saw her so excited about mail.

  “Okay Momma.” I open the one from Calhoun, the college I had planned on going to before all of this craziness happened. ‘We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted to…. With a partial scholarship…’

  “I got accepted there too. Both with palatial scholarships.”

  “That’s amazing honey! Open this one!” I take the envelope and hold my breath. UNA is where I wanted to go before Cole. I still want to go there. They have an excellent program for film and their library is amazing. ‘We are pleased to accept your application for admission . . .would like to offer you a full scholarship with work study at our campus library.’ Oh, wow! This is amazing, full scholarship with work study in my favorite place. An introverts dream!

  “Full scholarship with a work study in the library…”

  “Baby…” she whispers. Then she lunges at me like she is trying to save me from some invisible disaster. “I’m so happy for you. So many choices! Where do you think you would like to go?”

  “Full scholarship is kind of the best way to go don’t you think?”

  “I don’t care where you go honey. I have money set aside for college for you. You go where you want.”

  “Is Hawaii an option?”

  “As long as I can come with.” She laughs and I join her.

  “In all seriousness Momma, I think UNA would be the best. I have been thinking about majoring in business and film.”

  “Two majors?”

  “Yes.” I guess I had made a decision without acknowledging it.

  “That’s very ambitious.”

  “I know, but it’s something passionate about. I think I could really do something with that.” We sit in silence for a few minutes and then I remember how I want to go home. “Momma did you talk to the doctor? I really just want to go home. I can lay around and watch tv there and at least there you can get some rest.”

  “Don’t try to sell me on it. I want you home just as bad as you want to be there, but if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready.” She says and pats my hand. “Just wait until she comes in and we will see what she says.” After four and a half episodes of bad tv, the doctor walks in.

  “Hey ‘sup doc?!”

  “Kimber that is not the first time I’ve heard that, but I’m glad you are feeling well.”

  “So Doc, can I go home?”

  “Sure, but you have to promise to continue to rest and take care of yourself.”

  “YES! I will do anything! No offense but this place is so boring. I feel fine just a little broken bones and internal bleeding, that’s all! I’ll be fine at home. I live with a nurse!”

  “Kimber calm down honey. We need to know the proper care procedures and what you are and aren’t allowed to do.” Momma says in her nurse voice. The doctor and Momma continue to talk and I start to stare at the muted tv. I get to go home and heal in peace. Thank goodness. I can’t stand hospitals.

  That night I go home and watch bad tv from the comfort of my own my bed. When Momma finally leaves for work, and I’m left by myself I cry and let it all out. I spend a few days healing and finally I get such cabin fever that I beg Momma to let me go back to school. I needed social interaction. Even if I’m the laughing stock of the school. Rachel said that everyone was surprised that Quinn did what she did, but weren’t talking about me as much. I hope she isn’t lying. She never said if she knew about Quinn and Cole and honestly at this point I don’t care. It’s hard to trust anyone right now and as much as I love Rachel I just can’t trust her completely quite yet. If she knew that she would be upset.

  My first day back everyone was whispering. I was over it by the time history came I had been used to it. When I rolled in with my wheelchair and looked at my seat I remembered why I was dreading this class. He was walking toward me to help me to my spot. I can’t use crutches until my arm is better so here I am. Cole keeps looking at me like he feels guilty. He didn’t do anything to cause this and he needs to stop distracting me.

  “Are you okay?” Cole asks me and looks at me with those big brown eyes.

  “I’m fine thank you. I need to focus so I can get caught up please.” He turns and leaves me alone for the rest of the class. When the bell rings I gather my stuff and start to try to roll to the door. Of course, he comes behind me and starts to roll me towards the door. “Why are you being nice to me?”

  “Because you need help. You’re riding with Rachel right?”

  “Yes, but she’s probably waiting in the hallway for me. It’s cool I can make it on my own. I’m sure you have better things to do than help me get to the hall.”

  “My time spent with you means the world to me.”

  “We aren’t together anymore Cole. I appreciate the niceness. I appreciate the time too, but I have to protect my heart and mind. You have kind of messed with both. I’m trying to get better physically and mentally. I will be fine. Just give me some time. We are still friends, but just give me some time okay?” He looks defeated for a moment, but then smiles.

  “Cool Kimber, I’ll give you some time. I’m not an ass though so I’m taking to you to Rachel.” As if saying her name made her appear she rounds the corner and smiles at me.

  “Come on my wounded butterfly we have studying to do.”

  “Thanks Rach!” I’m so behind I really need to study. We spend the nights studying and talking and right before she leaves she looks at me seriously.

  “I didn’t know K. I didn’t know about them. I thought they were close, and it was weird. I didn’t think they were boofin’ though.” I flinch. “Sorry.” She looks guilty.

  “It’s fine. I didn’t think you
did.”

  “No if I had I would have told you! He is not a bad guy, but he did a bad thing.”

  “I agree. It’s going to take some time to heal.”

  “I love you darlin’ I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Be careful!”

  “I will.” She leaves and I wheel back to my room. I get in bed. More like fall in, but who cares I’m in and I’m comfy. I feel myself falling asleep and relax into the softness of my own bed. Finally at peace with what happened.

  Chapter 12

  I catch up on everything I missed and school and end up with a B in all my classes. Not what I wanted, but I still am going to graduate. That’s all that matters I suppose. I have started getting ready to move to Florence and go to UNA. I’m excited and nervous, but more so I’m happy to finally ending a chapter of my life and moving on. I want to get past all of this drama. I hate drama. To think at the beginning of this year I was wondering if Cole like me like that. Now I’m wanting to put senior year and this town behind me.

  Graduation night goes rather smoothly. I am out of the wheelchair just in time, but can’t quite walk so Jozlyn comes and escorts me across the stage. I hear Momma scream from the crowd. Jozlyn and I look at each other and laugh. It’s a night I will never forget. My last page in the chapter of high school. Was it all bad? No. Was it all good? No. These years are not and will not be the best years of my life. I am a young beautiful girl. I deserve to be loved and treated with respect. I will not let this happen to me again.

  Jozlyn and I spend the night laughing and catching up. She keeps me happy and content and distracted all night. The next morning she asks the questions I don’t want to answer. What happened? Why didn’t I tell her? What did he do to me? I answer them as much as I can and leave out the ugly details. Especially the parts that I don’t care to remember.

  I spend the summer packing up and finding an apartment in Florence. Jozlyn said I could stay with her, but I’d rather be on my own. I’d feel more comfortable that way. I find the perfect one bedroom and it is cheap enough that I think that I can pay for it with the left over money from my savings for at least six months and then hopefully I can get a part time job.

  Summer goes by fast and I start my freshman year in college. It so weird and new and fun. I can’t believe how different it is from home. I love it. No one knows me here and I can be whoever I want to be. If I want to be outgoing and talk to everyone I can or if I want to be my natural introverted self I will be. Rachel calls almost everyday to check on me. She is in Auburn and is loving it. I’ve decided to focus on school and work and not worry about anything or anyone else. She says I’m missing out and there is so much fun to be had. Honestly, I know. I would rather be safe than be killed. That’s just the fear talking, but I’ve had enough murder attempts in my life that I don’t really want another. I know it was just one, but one is enough.

  My work study is amazing. I spend every day getting to hold knowledge in my hands. Mostly putting stuff back where it goes, but some days when it is slow I can imagine maybe one day owning enough books to have a mini library at home. My classes are pretty easy this semester. I hope I’m not speaking to soon. I only have one business class and on film class the rest are just normal basic classes. Five classes this semester. I’ll probably do the same next semester and do three in the summer. I walk to class everyday so I’m getting plenty of exercise. Everything seems to be going great. Around the middle of September I get invited to a party. Yay…. That’s sarcasm. I’m trying to lay low and not get any attention put on me. At all. I mention it to Rachel in passing and I see it was a mistake as soon as I do.

  “If you don’t go you will regret it.”

  “Rach, it’s just a sorority party. There aren’t going to be many people there because it’s a small sorority and I don’t even think I know where it is.”

  “Bull”

  “Rachel I’m perfectly fine at home watching movies and reading.”

  “That’s boring. You should go. You need to have fun too K.”

  “I’m having fun, just doing it alone. It’s safer that way.” I whisper and then realize I said it out loud.

  “You can’t stay cooped up forever. What’s one night going to hurt?” She’s right. I could just pop in and if I don’t like it pop right back out. No one to stop me from leaving. That’s not that bad.

  “You’re not wrong.” I say and start fidgeting. I haven’t been out yet. “What do I even wear?”

  “Oh honey send me a picture of what you are thinking and I’ll let you know one way or the other. I’ve got to go though. Love ya!”

  I send her picture and she tells me no over and over. I finally end up picking a nice pair of jeans that show off my butt and a black tank top. I’m not trying to impress anyone, but I also want to look nice. I go and I talk to a few people, but it just doesn’t seem like a me thing so I leave soon after. I am walking towards the library to see if Brittany closed the back and front doors before leaving. She sometimes forgets the back. Then I go to see Leo and Una, the schools to lion mascots, in their den. Leo is playing with a ball and Una looks like she just took a bath and is laying down for the night. I smile and continue past the fountain and head towards my apartment about a half a mile away. I enjoy walking and I’m getting my strength back in my legs. I will never take walking for granted again. Yes I’m still slow, but I’m making it.

  I hear someone approach me from behind and get a little concerned. People walk these paths all day every day though so I shouldn’t be worried. Then I hear my name. Who do I know here?

  “Kimber wait up please!” I hear running and my heart starts racing. I don’t recognize the voice. I turn around to see who it is. Oh, it’s headphones guy. I don’t know his name but he always comes in the library and requests one of the study rooms so he can listen to his music. I’m guessing he is a music major, but I’m not one hundred percent on that.

  “Kimber is your name right?” He asks breathlessly.

  “Yeah, but I don’t know you do I?” I mean I have seen him, but I don’t know him.

  “Not really, I come to the library a lot. You have helped me get a study room a few times. I saw you leave that party and I was worried about you walking by yourself this late at night. My name is Jonathan.”

  “Oh cool. I’m good though. I am slow, but I’ll make it back around 12 or 12:30. You already know my name though. How?”

  “Well when you sign the logs on the sign in and out sheet your name kind of sticks out. Not a lot of people named Kimber out there.” He’s definitely right about that one.

  “Yeah my Momma was creative. She’s also a gun enthusiast and my last name kind of made it sound cool. People butcher it a lot and think that its Kim or short for Kimberly. Nope just Kimber.” Why did I just word vomit?

  “That’s cool. Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Oh here we go. I just need to run now.

  “Thanks, look I need to get back to my apartment. Thanks for your concern, but I will be ok.”

  “I’m not going to let you go by yourself. Look I’m sorry if I sounded creepy. I do think you are beautiful, but I will shut up and just walk you to the entrance of your apartment complex. How’s that? There are bad people out there.” He’s right and I shouldn’t be walking this late. I’ve done this walk around 7 or 8 but not this late. I guess it’s ok.

  “Okay, but when I say bye you have to go, deal?”

  “Deal.” Just like that he was right next to me and walking at my pace. Which was strange. Most people including Momma forget that I can’t walk like I used to yet and that it’s hard for me to keep a brisk pace up. Jonathan actually stays with me and doesn’t make me feel rushed.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Didn’t you just ask one?” Okay Kimber give the guy a break. I laugh to put him at ease. “Go ahead.”

  “Why do you walk like this?” Oh. Hitting he nail right on the head first try, huh?

  “Bad car accident, broke a lot of stuff
and didn’t walk with out assistance until right before school started.”

  “When was the wreck?”

  “February.”

  “Oh wow. Wait, did you live in that little town next to Athens? Were you that girl that got run off the road into the ravine?” Wow dude knows his stuff. Might as well be honest.

  “Yeah. That’s me.” I say with a little apprehension in my voice. What’s going to come next. Pity? Interrogation?

  “I read that in the paper the day after that happened. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

  “No big deal.”

  “It is, but I’ll drop it.”

  “Thanks. Where are you from?”

  “Pulaski.”

  “Not too far.” Far enough to not know Salem, but close enough to know Athens. We walk and talk for a little while and he keeps my pace the entire time. We get to my apartment complex and I smile up at him.

  “Thanks Jonathan. I enjoyed our walk. Thanks for keeping the streets safe.”

  “No problem. Kimber, if you ever need someone to walk with you just give me a call.”

  “I don’t have your number.”

  “Smooth, real smooth. Asking for my number. I just met you!” I laugh, for the first time in a long time, a true belly laugh.

  “Oh, you got me. Now do I get it or are you just going to offer to keep me safe and not follow through.” Oh wow Huntley, you aren’t yourself at all. That was bold. He takes out a piece of paper from his pocket and asks for a pen. I hand him my cell instead and he enters it in.

  “Jonathan Superman? What kind of last name is this?”

  “It’s the one you get until you know me well enough to get the real one. Have a good night Kimber.” He walks back in the direction of the school. This time at his own pace which is at least three times faster than mine. He will be back to campus in no time. I turn and walk back to my apartment. I will be there in less than five minutes. Thankfully the manager gave me a bottom apartment that was handicap accessible so that I don’t have to walk up the stairs. I would be in trouble if stairs were involved. I text Rachel as soon as I get in and tell her I’m home. Then I text Jonathan and tell him thank you for the walk again. He was super sweet. I just don’t want him to think anything else would come from that. I’m not going to get involved with anyone while I’m in school. I’m just not. I’m going to focus on me and do what I need to do to be successful. That’s what is important.