The Tainted Love of a Captain

by Jane Lark

  A need for the liquor eased through Harry’s blood. His mind had been spooked like a horse after a thunderstorm these last days—yet his decision was made. ‘I need to ask you for something, John. For money again, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Why? For Charlie or her mother? I have a cottage for them. One of my tenant farmers has no family – he has agreed to give them a small cottage without rent if they will wash, clean and cook for him. I did not think they would welcome pure charity. Charlie’s mother approved the proposal. They are moving out tomorrow.’

  Such a quick resolution. He was unsure if Charlie would be happy with it. Yet she still thought they were going to India and so she had no reason to care where her mother lived.

  ‘Thank you for helping them,’ Harry said, as he accepted a glass.

  ‘You are welcome.’

  ‘But that is not the reason I would like your help now, or rather why I would appreciate your money.’ He looked his brother in the eyes. ‘I would like you to buy me out of the army.’

  ‘What?’ There was a very true expression of shock on John’s face, which for a man who held his emotions back constantly was quite something. ‘Why?’

  Because… There was no one else he would feel able to say this to. ‘I cannot get the thought of Mama out of my head. Alone in Brussels. No one protected her, as they should have done, when your father died. What if I die in India? On the other side of the world. How would Charlie fare?’

  ‘Mama has told me that Charlie should have all of our addresses and a purse of her own for emergencies.’

  Harry smiled. His mother had taken Charlie under her wing. ‘But India is a very long way away and if anything happened to me she would have to secure herself a passage home and navigate that entire journey safely. I do not even know anyone in my new regiment. There is not one single person I could trust to help her. No. I have made up my mind. I want to leave the army.’ His brother had paid for him to join and now he hoped that he would agree to get him out.

  John gave him a slight smile. ‘If you are sure.’

  ‘I am sure.’

  John lifted his glass and tapped it against Harry’s. ‘This is a celebratory drink, then. To the future.’

  ‘To the future.’ Harry confirmed. Then he tapped John’s glass in return and lifted his glass in salute. ‘To family.’

  ‘To family.’ John smiled before he drank.

  Harry drank too, thinking of Charlie and the child she hoped was in her womb.

  ‘So how must this be achieved?’ John asked.

  ‘I will need to go to London, I think, to get the papers that release me from my posting and then ensure my new regiment are aware…’ It was all very suddenly final. He was going to do it. Leave the army. He had always thought he would die as a soldier. He breathed out, then swallowed the rest of the whiskey in one gulp and put the glass down. ‘Will you forgive me if I leave you? I want to speak to Papa.’

  ‘No. As you wish. I will go to London with you, then. Tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes.’

  They had only just returned and yet if this was to be done, he wanted it done quickly.

  ‘I shall see you this evening at dinner.’

  John nodded.

  Harry turned away and his strides were quicker, and his posture increasingly relaxed as he walked from the room. The weight he had carried on his shoulders since the day he’d faced Charlie in the barracks, with her eye struck, had lifted, and even the weight of guilt and memory that he’d carried since his days in the Crimean War had lifted slightly since last night. It felt as though it might lift entirely when he’d paid his way out of the army.

  He jogged up the wide, shallow steps, wondering where he would find his father.

  The first place he went to was his parents’ room.

  His mother had taken the children outside to play with the other women and so he hoped to find his father alone there.

  Harry knocked on the door of their sitting room, as he had just knocked on the door of John’s library.

  ‘Come in!’ His father shouted.

  ‘Papa.’ Harry opened the door. ‘What are you doing?’

  His father looked up and smiled. ‘Going through some of the accounts and information from the farms at home.’ There were papers spread everywhere.

  Harry shut the door as his father’s gaze turned back to the numerous papers.

  ‘Have you need of more help to manage the estate?’

  ‘Have I…’ His father looked back up and straightened. ‘Why?’

  ‘I find myself in need of employment.’

  ‘What of the army?’

  ‘John has agreed to pay for me to come out.’

  ‘No. Are you sure that is what you wish to do?’

  ‘Yes.’

  His father walked across the room and then Harry was embraced. ‘When you returned from the Crimea, when we heard you were coming back, your mother and I rejoiced. But then you came back with darkness and shadows in your eyes. I will not lie and deny that I am gladdened by your decision. Though I know you gave your all, Harry.’

  ‘I wish to give my all to Charlie now.’

  His father let him go. ‘Your mother will approve it. But there would not be much of an income.’

  ‘I will have my allowance from John and I am serious, is there a position for me with you? I will need work. I could not be idle. I would become bored.’

  His father’s lips pursed. ‘Perhaps. Let me think on it. My steward is getting older. He might accept assistance and when he retires you could take the role and I think if you are to stay here in England and live anywhere, your mother will want you near us. She will want to be able to ensure Charlie’s happiness. She foolishly thinks herself partly responsible for what happened to Charlie because she had done nothing to stop Hillier from trapping others.’

  ‘How could she have changed anything?’

  ‘I know. You do not need to say that to me. But such things have twisted her mind. She hides it well, but the scars are deep.’

  Harry looked at his father; he’d gone back to work.

  ‘How do you live with it?’

  His father looked up. ‘What?’

  ‘Knowing what happened; how have you lived with it?’

  ‘I try to not think of it. It is in the past and that is where your mother and I want it; for it to be forgotten.’

  ‘But do you ever forget?’

  ‘No, and nor does she. We just live regardless and seek every minute of happiness together. Today and every day after today is what is important. Think of the future and not the past.’

  Harry smiled. Yes. He had seen that attitude in them and they were happy. He would do the same.

  ‘I am going to London tomorrow with John to pay my way out. Will you look after Charlie while I am gone?’

  ‘Of course. Does she know of your decision?’

  ‘Not yet. I’ll talk to her now.’

  Charlie was with her mother and after taking leave of his father he went in search of her. He was charged up and in a mood to advance his decision, now it was made, to leave the army.

  He jogged up the stairs to the attic room. The hallway there was narrower than those downstairs, the ceiling lower and the plaster was not decorated with ornate carvings but painted with a square earthy-coloured pattern.

  He could hear Charlie’s voice as he progressed. It was a raised pitch, almost a shout. He continued along the hall, his footsteps silent on the narrow length of carpet that ran down the centre of the hall.

  ‘Why, Mama? It is not fair of you!’

  His pace slowed as he neared the room.

  ‘I will not talk about it. I do not want to speak of it.’

  ‘But you did not defend me! You should have helped me!’

  Ah. She was talking it out with her mother, then. He stopped outside the door. He would not interrupt. It was right that they had this conversation. But nor did he feel like walking away. His shoulder pressed against the wood and he leant closer to t
he closed door. He could almost hear her mother’s silent discomfort as much as Charlie’s sense of betrayal.

  ‘You were always a naughty, difficult child. You were never where you ought t’ ‘ave been.’

  ‘Are you saying it was my fault? It feels as though you think it was my fault. That was what it felt like then and that was why I went to him…’

  ‘The fault lies where the sin is.’

  Oh good God. The bloody ignorant woman. What on earth was she saying? He straightened and his hand fisted to knock and interrupt this before it could do Charlie more harm.

  ‘Yes it does, Mama. Yes, it does.’ Charlie spoke in a strong, defiant voice, without any hint of the guilt he knew she had been feeling over the last few days. ‘And I forgive you. I forgive you for not minding me well and not teaching me of the risk, and I forgive you because I know it was hard when my father died and there was Ginny still a baby. I see why you put her first. I forgive you for not being strong enough to fight against the Colonel and I forgive you for letting me go to him and do what was wrong when you could have helped me. It was not my fault any more than it was yours.’

  His hand uncurled and he wished to damn well applaud. Well said, girl. Well said.

  A sound, more voices, travelled up from the staircase back along the hall. His mother and Ginny. Then this had been some sort of plan. His mother must have taken Ginny away to play with the others so that Charlie could have a chance to speak.

  He did not want to be caught here listening. This had been Charlie’s moment of freedom from her past. He would not take it away from her.

  ‘I have learned to accept that it was not my fault, Mama. I made a bad choice, but I was not the bad person. The Colonel was wrong to do what he did to me,’ he heard Charlie say as he walked away. ‘You are not a bad person either. But you must understand that it is the Colonel you have to blame…’

  As she had spent the last few days drowning in guilt, he had spent them longing to know what to do to help her escape that. It seemed they had helped each other. By accepting his own lack of control over the past, he had succeeded in helping her do the same.

  A smile tugged at his lips as he reached the servants’ stairs at the far end of the hall, while he heard his mother and Ginny round the far corner. His smile came from a sense of pride for his wife.

  When Charlie came downstairs, she went straight into the garden to play with the children, her expression stiff. It was as though she went looking for a reason to laugh and smile again.

  He went outside too as tea was served and excused himself when the children begged him to play. Instead he watched Charlie play the game of blind man’s buff, as she cast aside the past and stumbled about in her future. The children squealed ‘Auntie Baba!’ at her when it was her turn to wear the blindfold and she laughed and ran about with her arms outstretched, as everyone avoided her. She was happy. He could see it. They made each other happy. Whether it was in India or England, they would be happy. But here she would have the family that she had lacked.

  He rose, smiling. Perhaps he would play. He had let himself be captured, entirely.

  Mary smiled at him as she noticed him walking down the steps.

  ‘Here!’ Helen called, distracting Charlie.

  Everyone playing now realised what he intended doing.

  ‘This way! This way!’ The children all called, drawing Charlie in the opposite direction, so Harry could creep up close behind her.

  Then he said near her ear, ‘This way.’ Her body jolted with surprise before she spun around.

  He wrapped his arms about her waist and lifted her off her feet.

  ‘Ahhh! Harry!’ She smacked his arm when he set her down, before pulling her blindfold off.

  ‘Caught you.’ His hands held her head and then he kissed her. He had made the right decision.

  She broke the kiss as the adults applauded them, while the children exclaimed in various ways from, ‘let her go’ to ‘what are you doing, Uncle Baba?’

  ‘But in the game I have caught you,’ Charlie answered. ‘So you now have to wear the blindfold.’

  Yes. His life from this point forward was blind of direction too. He had nowhere to go and nothing to do, yet he had someone to live it with.

  He turned his back. ‘Tie it on for me.’

  It was when they dressed for dinner that he finally had the chance to tell her his plans, but before he could begin speaking, as soon as he shut the door behind them, she spoke.

  ‘I am not with child. My courses have begun today.’

  ‘Oh, darling.’ She had been so pleased with the notion. He opened his arms and she came into them. There were tears.

  ‘There will be children for us one day, God willing.’ His hand stroked over her hair and her back.

  She nodded against his shoulder.

  ‘I have something to tell you too, sweetheart. I hope you will think it good news.’

  She pulled away, although he kept her in the circle of his arms.

  Her hand lifted and wiped the tears from her cheeks. ‘What is it?’

  ‘We are not going to India.’

  ‘Why?’ She sounded disappointed, but after the conversation with her mother perhaps she was looking forward to an escape route.

  ‘I hope you will not be angry with me. John has agreed to pay for me to leave the army.’

  ‘No. Why Harry? Not because of—’

  ‘No.’ He pressed a finger on to her lips. ‘Listen.’

  He took a breath. How to explain the feelings of fear in him, fear for her, for any children they might have—without speaking of his mother’s story? His hand cupped her cheek. ‘Charlie, I cannot take you there. You have been through enough. I cannot let you be at risk, as you would be, of death from disease or assault if I died in some stupid skirmish. It is not the life I want for us and the children I hope we have. The life I want with you is here. I have asked my father if we can live near them. Would you mind that? Did you fall in love with a soldier and would hate an ordinary man?’

  Her arms slipped about his middle, holding him firmly. ‘I love the man beneath this coat, not his scarlet coat. I was looking forward to going to India because it was a place for the two of us to make a home—’

  ‘Does my decision disappoint you, then? We will make a home here for the two of us.’ He kissed the crown of her head. ‘But my mother has fallen in love with you, you know. My father said she will be more than happy to have us live close and so we shall be the two of us yet with our family near.’

  Charlie looked up and smiled at him. ‘I love her too,’ she said on a whisper, still smiling. ‘I would rather live near her than my own mother. I think my mother will never be able to forgive me. Your mother is kinder to me because of my past.’

  ‘That is my family, Charlie – Katherine, Caro and Drew will say the same. We are a family who falls for those who have been wounded by life.’ And now he understood why his parents were like that, but it was not just his parents, it was his uncles and aunts too…

  She turned away, breaking from his hold. ‘Well, I do not feel wounded any more.’ She glanced back over her shoulder, ‘and even though I am not with child, I am very happy.’

  It was his wish come true. He’d made her happy and when he looked inside himself, searching his soft, fleshy, heart, there was only happiness too.

  ‘I will have to go to London tomorrow, with John,’ he said, as she began to undress. ‘To resolve things and end my contract with the army. I shall have to leave you alone again. I’m sorry.’

  She looked over her shoulder and smiled at him. ‘Then, when you come back we may remain together forever if we wish.’

  ‘We may. There shall be nobody ordering us, or trying to tear us apart.’

  ‘Then you go with my blessing. But hurry back.’

  ‘And when I return we shall put more effort into making a child.’

  She laughed at that.

  ‘Do not tell anyone else of my intention to leave the a
rmy,’ he told Charlie as they walked downstairs. ‘Let us keep it as a surprise and remember, while I am away, you have promised to let Mama help you find the most beautiful gown you have ever dreamed of for the ball.’

  Her eyes sparkled with tears. ‘I have never even imagined a ball gown.’ Her voice was high. ‘Poor little girls imagine something nice and sweet to eat or a kind working husband who will provide for them, not ball gowns.’

  ‘Then you must try on every single style before you decide which is the prettiest. You need not imagine, you will have.’

  Chapter 17

  Charlie looked at Harry’s reflection in the long mirror in their room. He was watching her with admiration in his eyes and his expression. It was more than that, though, it was pride. There was a glow in his eyes that said he was proud of the way she looked in her ball gown. She had known when they married she would be proud of him; she had never considered that he might ever feel pride in her.

  The ghostly whispers of her past breathed as she looked back at her own reflection, but Harry never seemed to hear them and so she closed her ears to them.

  She turned and smiled at him.

  His hands slipped into his pockets as he smiled back.

  ‘You look stunning, Charlie. Truly. You will outshine everyone who is attending.’

  He had only returned today, three hours ago, and he’d come up the servants’ stairs, so no one else had seen him. None of his family knew that he was now a simple Mr Marlow and not a captain any more.

  And she was Mrs Marlow.

  ‘While you look terribly handsome in a black evening coat, I had not realised the full beauty of the man I married until I saw you in civilian clothes.’

  His smile tilted at one side and his hands then slid out of the pockets of his grey trousers. He had a very fine dark-red silk waistcoat on too, and his black cravat was tied about the collar of his white shirt.

  ‘You are such a dashing specimen of a man. But then that was what drew me to stare at you as much as Ash when I saw you on the beach.’

  ‘It is a good job you wrote that first letter to me. I might never have looked back at you otherwise.’