Homebound

by Kata Čuić

  Jesse slumps overtop of me, his face landing in the crook of my neck.

  “God,” he chokes out. He sounds like it’s hurting him, too.

  I gasp for air as strange noises come out of the back of my throat like I’m drowning in my own spit. My eyes roll up into my eyelids. All I can think about is the pain.

  “I gotta move now. A man’s gotta fuck fast and hard. That’s how it’s done. I can’t hold back no more,” he pants. “Ya all right now?”

  I shake my head. My chest moves up and down so fast, I can’t catch my breath none. The pain holds my voice hostage.

  Jesse’s body lifts off of me, and he drives himself deeper inside then holds still. Hot tears slide down my cheeks.

  “Aww, girl. I know it hurts but don’t cry. I can’t bear to see ya cry.”

  All I can do is shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut even tighter.

  “It ain’t no fair it’s hurtin’ ya so bad when it’s the best thing I ever felt.”

  His hand brushes across my forehead and down my cheek. “Maybe ya need a distraction. How about that? What if I kiss on ya? Think you’ll like that?”

  His mouth covers mine and pushes it open. He does his best kissing on me, but it still ain’t no good. I can’t stop crying; the pain won’t go away, and when his tongue slides against mine, the first whimper finally breaks free from my throat.

  “Nora, let’s play pretend,” Jesse whispers against my mouth. “That’ll make it better. Ya wanna do that? Ya wanna play pretend with me?”

  I nod as I feel his body lift up again.

  “Open your eyes. Open your eyes and look at me.”

  It takes all the strength I have left to peel my eyelids up and focus on his blurry face.

  “Hey, there ya are. There’s my girl. That’s what we’re gonna pretend, all right? You’ll be my woman, and I’ll be your man. And ya want this. Ya want me in ya, fuckin’ ya hard and right, the way it’s supposed to be. Pretend I just took ya out on your first date, and now it’s done, and this is what ya wanted from me, so I’m givin’ it to ya. Just pretend it feels good, and ya want me in ya forever. Think ya can do that?”

  The longer he holds still, the more the pain fades to a dull throb. I nod my head, my eyes sliding closed again. I’m getting mighty tired from breathing so fast.

  “All right, my sweet Nora—my bright, shinin’ light. Here we go.”

  He pulls out of me, and my lungs release a rush of air in relief only to be cut off by the stab of him pounding back inside as hard and fast as he can. Another choking sound claws its way out of my throat. I throw my head back, my body trying to get away from the pain even though my mind is fighting to hold onto the pretend world Jesse made for me.

  More tears race down my cheeks. My throat works again as I cry in time with his movements. He’s pushing inside me hard, in a fast rhythm, never pulling out all the way again. Each time he drives into me, it feels like he’s going deeper. A popping sensation inside makes my heart flutter in my chest and my crying louder.

  “Ssh. Keep pretendin’. It’s almost over. I’m almost done fuckin’ ya.” Jesse’s voice sounds strange, barely heard over the pounding of blood in my ears.

  “I’m gonna come. I’m gonna come for ya.” He’s breathing hard, his pounding getting faster and wilder. He makes grunting noises with each thrust into me.

  “Ya ready for me? Ya ready for your man to come? Oh, God,” he groans. “I’m gonna come in ya so hard, Nora.”

  He stops moving all the sudden, a low, loud moan filling the air of the treehouse as his body trembles on top of mine. The pain in my own body throbs and hums like a living breathing thing even though I know the fucking’s over. I’m worried the hurting might never go away. Why ain’t it going away?

  I’m crying harder than I ever was now that I can breathe. Jesse’s body collapses on top of me. He wraps his arms clean under my back, pulling me close and crushing me to him. His face is buried in my neck. Hot, fast gusts of his air rush across my sweaty skin.

  “Oh, my sweet Nora. That felt so good I thought I was gonna die.”

  He breathes hard against me for a few more minutes.

  “Ssh, ssh. It’s over now. No more tears.” He nuzzles his scratchy face against my neck.

  I couldn’t stop crying if I tried. Jesse lifts his head up and even with my eyes closed, I know he’s watching me.

  “Ya still hurtin’?”

  “It hurts so much.”

  “I’m still in ya. You’ll feel better when I’m out. I need ya to hold real still now, all right? I don’t wanna spill nothin’ of me inside ya.” His hand moves against me, gripping for hold against his manhood and finally, finally he slips out.

  A rush of something follows him out of me. I swallow down the bile in my throat. My center feels too hot—like someone’s poking me with a glowing iron. “Am I…Am I bleedin’?”

  “Yeah,” he answers softly. “Ya are. Just lie still, and I’ll clean ya up.”

  I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew this might happen because the girls all said so, but it only makes me feel worse for Jesse to see it. When I came of age, Mama told me a woman’s bleeding time is very private, and no one else should ever know about it.

  With my eyes still closed, my body don’t feel no different except for the painful aching. All the girls acted proud for their men to have hurt ‘em, saying they felt like real women after it was done. Something must be wrong with me because all I feel is sad and confused. Maybe since Jesse and I was only pretending to belong to each other, it ain’t supposed to feel the same after. Might be if I agree to go out with Kenny, it’ll feel different.

  A new sensation meets with my throbbing center and I jump, my eyes snapping open to find Jesse between my legs, pressing his t-shirt against me.

  “Ssh, it’s all right. Does that make it feel better?” He looks up from his work to meet my gaze. His face looks tired but happy, too. Might be he knows what he’s doing so well because he’s already fucked another girl. It never even occurred to me to ask him.

  “Jesse? Ya ever done this before?”

  He gives me that small smile. “Naw, girl. You’re my first, too.”

  He leaves his shirt between my legs then crawls up to lie beside me, pulling the blankets over us and gathering me into his chest.

  “Ya all right now?”

  Sniffling through my tears, I shake my head against him. I don’t much feel like talking just now.

  “Still hurtin’?”

  I nod.

  “Ya mad at me now?”

  “No,” I whisper into his chest, the little bit of hair there tickling my lips. “Thank ya kindly for helpin’ me.”

  “I’m gonna keep helpin’ ya, just like ya been doin’ for me all these years. All right?”

  “All right.”

  He wraps his arms tighter around me. “Ya want me to kiss on ya some more?”

  He’s being real nice to me even though I’m getting his chest all wet. He ain’t even trying to make me face away from him. I just can’t think about anything other than the sharp pain between my legs and my aching hips. “That’s all right. Ya can go to sleep if ya want.”

  “I wanna make ya feel better. That’s what I want,” he whispers against my forehead before pressing his lips to my damp skin. “How about some more pretend? Ya always like that real well.”

  “All right,” I sigh, closing my eyes.

  “Ya feel my arms around ya?”

  I nod against his chest, my body feeling heavy and my heart finally slowing down.

  “Well, they ain’t just good for keepin’ ya warm. Pretend when you’re in ‘em, nothin’ can hurt ya, not even after fuckin’. Ya can’t feel no pain when I’m holdin’ ya. I’m your man, and I’ll protect ya and keep ya safe. And…When ya wake up, I’ll feed ya all the chocolate ya want, how about that?”

  “That sounds real nice,” I mumble.

  “Yeah? Ya like that? And…We ain’t in a cold, tiny treehouse. We’re in a big,
soft bed with lots of warm blankets and fluffy pillows. The pretty quilt ya done made me is on it, too. We’re keepin’ that.” He laughs a little, jostling me against him. “It’s a big house. I built it just for ya, so we can fit all the books we ever read in it and still have room for more. Would ya like that?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  “All right. Let’s see. What else? Oh, I know. All the food ya could ever want is out in our big kitchen. The fridge is overflowin’ with all kinds of good stuff. The pantry, too. Anythin’ ya could ever imagine or want, we’ve got it to eat. I’ll make ya a big breakfast when we wake up after I’m done feedin’ ya your chocolate…”

  I fall asleep listening to Jesse playing pretend.

  Actions Speak Louder Than Words

  “Who can tell me what Dimmesdale saw the night of the meteor?”

  Not a single hand raises.

  “Okay, let me rephrase. What letter did Dimmesdale think he saw in the sky the night of the meteor?”

  A couple of students glance around to see if anyone else knows the answer. An arm in the back row slowly goes up. The timid girl tries to respect my wishes to give her classmates a chance to answer, but it’s clear even to her that no one else knows.

  Because no one else likely read the assigned chapters.

  I sigh in frustration. “Go ahead, Laurel.”

  “He saw an A ‘cause he’s consumed with guilt ‘cause he’s obviously Pearl’s father.”

  A few groans go up from her classmates. One even shouts, “spoiler alert,” while others write down this information in their notebooks.

  At least none of them are making wisecracks about why I don’t wear a scarlet letter. Even though I served myself up on a silver platter to try to get them interested in our current novel as it relates to the modern world, they grew bored of guessing who my Pearl’s father might be. Having a child out of wedlock isn’t as uncommon as it used to be.

  And I have so much more empathy for my old teachers than I ever have before.

  “Did anyone besides Laurel read the assigned chapters?” Just as I’m mentally rearranging my lesson plans to include aloud readings of the material to ensure they learn it, my classroom door opens, and Jesse appears in the doorway.

  He beckons me with a single finger. “Miss Wheeler, can ya spare a moment?”

  A few snickers and mutters about adulterers go up from the usual suspects, but a stern glare from Jesse quiets them quickly before he refocuses on me. “Grab your things and head to the medical center.”

  “What? Why?” It’s morning. This is only my first class of the day. Surely, Kenny isn’t going to make us jump through hoops to beg for his assistance after he already admitted he was always going to help.

  “Don’t panic,” Jesse starts.

  Now I’m panicked.

  “Anne fell and broke her arm. It’s nothing serious.”

  I’m already fetching my bag and jacket from my desk as Jesse follows me into the classroom, the students watching us with more interest than they’ve shown in the past hour.

  “Kenny called my office when your ma brought her in. She’s already been to X-ray. They’re waitin’ on you before they set the bone and cast her.”

  I stop at the threshold of the doorway, glancing back over my shoulder. Anne depends on my job to have medical benefits. “What about classes?”

  Jesse looks at me like I’m out of my mind. “I’m takin’ ‘em over for the rest of the day. Go on, girl.” He makes a shooing motion. “Git.”

  Anne’s still glassy gaze bounces to the front door when a knock cuts through the din of her cartoons. I’m surprised she even notices the sound as out of it as she still is.

  Mama answers, knowing full well I’m not about to move from my spot beside my baby. “Oh! What a nice surprise! Come on in!”

  A low chuckle precedes Jesse stepping into view, his arms laden with a variety of things. He offers Mama a sheepish grin. “Wasn’t sure I was welcome, but I thought y’all might need supper, what with all the commotion today.”

  Mama swipes away fresh tears. She’s been crying all day, consumed with guilt. Her hands find Jesse’s cheeks, and she pulls his head down to place a kiss on his forehead. “You’re always welcome in our home, Jesse Yates. Ya know that, boy.”

  He laughs. “Mr. Wheeler ain’t home yet, is he?”

  “No,” Mama admits. “But actions speak louder than words, and ya carin’ about our welfare after such a day speaks volumes. Leland’ll see that straight away.”

  They shuffle bags and an extra-large pizza box between them before separating. Mama scurries into the kitchen with his supper offerings, and Jesse approaches the couch where Anne and I are cuddled up together.

  He crouches down low in front of her. “Hey, little darlin’. How ya feelin’?”

  His pet name for her wraps around my bruised heart.

  She tries to hold her arm up, but her movements are still sluggish. It’s just as well. At least she’s not in any pain. “I broke my arm.”

  “I see that.” He clucks in sympathy. “That’s a might pretty pink cast. Did Mr. Kenny fix ya up special with that?”

  “No.” She yawns. “He’s not my friend anymore.”

  “He works on a different floor,” I explain. “He popped in to the ER to check on her, but he’d just started his shift.”

  Jesse nods then gestures to the empty spot on the couch beside Anne. “Would it be all right if I sit with ya for a while?”

  “Okay.”

  She dozes off again, her face nestled against my chest.

  “She’s really tuckered out after all that, huh?”

  I press a kiss against her soft hair. She doesn’t usually stand for physical affection now that she’s older, but I’m going to sneak in as much as I can until she’s feeling better. She’s been a relatively healthy child, thankfully. Our only other hospital experience together was for a high fever when she was two. I thought I was afraid then, but the pain she went through today has sapped every last ounce of energy out of me. “They sedated her to set the bone, so she wouldn’t be awake for the worst of it. She was so brave.”

  He reaches across her little body and squeezes my knee. “And how about her mama? Was she brave, too?”

  The first tear slips down my cheek. Jesse’s simple touch and presence unlocks the dam I’ve been holding back for hours.

  He shifts position, moving to my other side to cradle me against him while I cradle her. “Ssh. She’s all right. Everythin’s all right now. Kids ain’t as fragile as they seem. Look at all the times I broke bones and got black eyes. I turned out fine.”

  Just the thought of more rounds of injury sends me over the edge to outright sobbing.

  “All right, ya don’t agree how I turned out. That’s fair.” He chuckles as he nuzzles his nose into my hair. “I woulda been here sooner, but I had to sort out some paperwork after class and run to the store.”

  “What all did you bring?” I’m almost afraid of the answer. He was loaded down like a mule when he walked in.

  “Pizza for dinner, ice cream for dessert, and a few new toys for the brave girl. Nothin’ too extravagant. Didn’t wanna waste time.”

  I spied far more than that. “The flowers were a nice thought. She’s never gotten any before. I’m sure she’ll love them when she wakes up. You’re really cornering the market on this best friend bit. You’ll have Kenny beat for sure after today.”

  He chuckles against me, pressing a kiss to my hair. “Oh, I’m countin’ on it. But the flowers aren’t for Anne. They’re for the brave mama. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with ya. Again.”

  “Jess,” I sniffle through a fresh wave of tears. “You didn’t have to do that. I’m grateful for how quick you jumped in to cover my classes. That’s more than enough.”

  “I reckon since Liz ain’t here, I got the opportunity to win the best friend position on two counts.”

  “Glutton.” I don’t want to put too much stock into his sweetness. I can’t.
“This is an opportunity of convenience. You’ll run for the hills when the pain kicks in later. She’s sweet when she’s happy, but this girl has a mean streak a mile wide when she’s not feeling well.”

  He laughs, jostling the both of us in his arms. Anne moans. Jesse immediately sobers then caresses her cheek with a single finger until she quiets again.

  He whispers in my ear, “Ya done put up with my mean streak for years and never left my side. I reckon it’s only fair for me to put in the hard work now.”

  And work he does. For the rest of the evening, Jesse caters to Anne’s every whim. New stuffed bears, dolls, and books are procured from his bags that he claimed didn’t contain anything extravagant. He cuts up her pizza and feeds it to her piece by piece after she throws a tantrum when she realizes she can’t use her arm. He coaxes medicine into her when she’s crying from pain but too stubborn to realize the thick pink liquid is for her own good. He stands tall when my father arrives, and he bluntly asks permission to stay and help. It’s granted in the blink of an eye, much to Mama’s and my surprise. He reads Anne too many bedtime stories while feeding her ice cream. Daddy only bristles a bit because that’s become his favorite way to end a long day.

  Anne smiles dreamily up at Jesse from her spot on the pillow after he carries her to bed like her legs are broken instead of her arm. “Will you stay with me?”

  “Of course, I will.” He doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll be right here if ya need any little thing.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.” He kisses her forehead. “Sweet dreams, little darlin’.”

  She’s out like a light within seconds, and I’m slightly jealous.

  “She never goes down that easy for me,” I whisper.

  He smirks. “She also had a very tirin’ day.”

  “Thank you for everything. It’s been a long, tiring day for you, too. You must be eager to get home and get some rest yourself.” I need a break from all this real-life pretend. It’s been so easy to imagine things that I shouldn’t for hours on end.

  “I do have to head home real quick and check on things.” He faces me from the bedroom doorway. “I don’t wanna scare her comin’ in through the window, so I’ll ask your daddy to leave the front door unlocked.”