Forget Me Never

by Gina Blaxill

  ‘I’m not messing about, or saying that he pushed her,’ I said when I’d finished explaining. ‘Not exactly. I’m just sure it’s worth investigating.’

  ‘Do you think whatever passed between Danielle and the man you’re calling Aiden Anderson could have left her worked up enough to take her own life? I mean, rather than her mental state?’ Grace said suddenly. I’d almost forgotten he was there; evidently he’d been listening after all.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘From what Reece says, she seemed agitated when she saw him outside the flat, and she definitely was when she saw him in town.’

  Perry stood, nodding for Grace to turn off the recording. ‘Thanks for coming to see us, Sophie – you’ve done the right thing. We’ll speak to your friend Reece and see if we can have a word with Mr Anderson. We’ll be in touch.’

  ‘OK,’ I said. I must have sounded unconvinced, because Perry said, ‘Don’t worry, Sophie. If there’s anything untoward, we’ll find it.’

  Julie and I walked home in silence. As we let ourselves into the house, I said, ‘You’re not happy.’

  ‘Can’t say I am,’ Julie said with a sigh.

  ‘It’s not like I wanted to drag you down there,’ I said stiffly. ‘Didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.’

  ‘It’s OK. Stuff happens, Sophie. If this means an extra social-worker visit, so be it – it’ll be nice to have some adult company.’ She flashed me a smile. The adult-company comment was meant to be a joke, but it had a serious layer to it too. Julie and her partner had split about a year ago, and it had been touch and go whether she’d be able to keep fostering. She must have found looking after three kids difficult without support, but I never heard her complain. Still, I hated making things harder for her. I opened my mouth to explain what I’d meant, but then Julie said, ‘Don’t let this distract you.’

  Something about the way she said it annoyed me. ‘From what? It’s summer! It’s not like I’m doing much.’

  ‘What I meant was, you’ve a bright future. I don’t want this upsetting you all over again. Talking to the police is all very well, but it’s not going to change anything. At some point you’ve got to accept what’s happened, Sophie. Even though it may be hard.’

  What was she saying – that my gut instinct that something was wrong didn’t matter? I wasn’t in denial about Dani dying – I was just trying to get to the truth. This is the problem when you’re ‘troubled’; everything you do is put under a microscope. People think they have the right to psychoanalyse you and draw conclusions.

  ‘My head’s screwed firmly on, Julie – don’t you worry about that. I’m not going to go off the rails, like my mum did – like everyone’s saying Dani did! And you know something? It’d be easier to get on with my life if people stopped bringing up my past every time I do something they don’t agree with!’

  Julie flinched. After a pause she said, ‘Noted. Calm down. I can understand that this has been a tough time. You know if you want to talk to me I’m here.’

  She went through into the kitchen, and I heard the kettle begin to boil. I felt a bit bad for sounding off, but not quite bad enough to apologize and explain, which I knew was what she wanted. Julie was always concerned that I didn’t talk to her enough, and she often wrongly assumed things – like that I was in a bad mood when I wasn’t. This would invariably lead to her asking lots of questions and eventually me snapping at her, which she then took as proof that I had been in a bad mood after all.

  That evening I sat in front of Edith, staring at the chat function on Facebook. Though we hadn’t arranged it, I sort of knew Reece was going to come online. When I saw him appear, I opened a message box.

  Hey, I typed. Seen the police yet?

  Yuppers. The charming DI Perry and his anaemic sidekick. They could make a really good low-budget TV cop show.

  Ha ha, true. So what happened?

  Just told them the facts. Think Mum quite fancied Perry. She wasn’t exactly chuffed about seeing the police, but she cheered up when we got in there. Kinda gross.

  Ewww! BAD mental images!

  Dunno how seriously they were taking it TBH. Figure they’ll speak to Anderson. Dunno if much else will happen.

  Or if they’ll even fill us in. This sucks.

  But it turned out I was wrong. Just three days later, DI Perry had an update for me.

  REECE

  When I’d finished chatting to Sophie online I went downstairs to get a drink. Mum was in the kitchen watering the pot plants. Though I’d been joking about her fancying DI Perry, it was making me wonder how I’d feel if Mum did start seeing someone. It wasn’t impossible. She wasn’t that ancient, and compared to some of my mates’ mothers, she looked pretty good. And she was lonely – I’d heard her complaining to Aunt Meg. It couldn’t be much fun just looking after Neve. Mum didn’t even meet people through a job. Thanks to Dad’s life-insurance payout she could afford not to work.

  It was over three years now since Dad had died, and I missed him like it had happened yesterday. It was particularly bad whenever I saw my mates’ dads cheering them on at cricket matches, because I knew how much Dad would have enjoyed that. Whenever I thought about him too long all kinds of questions rolled through my mind. What would he think of how I’d turned out? Would I be different if he was still here?

  I guessed what Sophie was feeling now wasn’t so very different, even though Danielle had been in and out of her life while Dad had been in mine every day. It was a colossal blow to lose someone you cared about, and she’d already lost her mum before Dani. How had I lost sight of that? I made up my mind to be a better friend to her.

  ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ Mum asked as I took a can of Coke from the fridge.

  I made a non-committal noise. ‘Go over to Sophie’s maybe. Talk over the police thing.’

  Mum didn’t look surprised. ‘Don’t get too caught up in this, Reece. That girl drags you down.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Mum brushed a droplet of water off a peace-lily petal. ‘I don’t know Sophie well, but I can’t imagine she’s a particularly easy friend to have. You’ve gone out of your way to support her in the past, and I’m not sure how much you get back. It seems to me that Sophie only wants you around when she needs you.’

  ‘You’re wrong. What about when Dad died?’

  Mum looked away, and I regretted bringing it up.

  You always hear that when something terrible happens the only upside is that it brings people together. That certainly happened for me, but it had been Sophie I’d got closer to, not Mum. Mum had been seven months pregnant with Neve when Dad died, and she was all over the place. Frankly she’d scared me.

  Part of me thinks Mum’s never forgiven Sophie for the fact that I turned to her. And part of me thinks Mum’s never forgiven herself.

  ‘Sorry,’ I muttered. The word hung in the air. I wasn’t sure whether or not Mum heard. She went on watering the plants.

  SOPHIE

  I ran into the park, feeling like my lungs were burning. A quick glance told me that Paloma and co. weren’t sunning themselves in their usual spot. No one could get at me or ask any awkward questions. I slowed down, my breathing returning to normal. There was an empty swing in the play area so I claimed it and swung higher, higher, higher, until I started to feel heady.

  I’d been so hopeful an hour ago when Julie and I had gone back to the police station. When Perry and Grace appeared, Perry’s first words were, ‘We’ve spoken to Mr Anderson.’

  ‘Did you find him easily?’ I asked, trying not to show how eager I was.

  Perry nodded. ‘He was rather apologetic he hadn’t come to us before. He admits that he saw Danielle the weekend she died – in town and at the flat. According to him, they’d ended their relationship about a month previously. That morning in town had been the first time they’d seen each other since – hence Danielle’s reaction. He hadn’t known she was in Bournemouth until he’d seen her make an online status update refere
ncing it.’

  ‘Right,’ I said. Suddenly I wasn’t liking Perry’s relaxed manner.

  ‘When he called the next day they went for a walk and a talk, and Mr Anderson admits that he may have upset Danielle. After twenty minutes they parted company, and Mr Anderson drove back to London. We’ve checked that story, and it’s watertight. He stopped to buy petrol on the M3 and we’ve seen the timed receipt for the transaction. The timing fits perfectly.’ He paused. ‘It means he was gone by the time Danielle died. At best he’s only indirectly involved with her death.’

  I stared at him.

  Perry continued. ‘I understand that your cousin seemed happy that weekend, but the facts still stand: she did have mood swings, she hadn’t been taking her medication, she suffered from depression and she’d split with her boyfriend. All this is painting a bit of a picture, wouldn’t you say?’

  Perry and Grace looked at me expectantly, as though awaiting me to congratulate them on their stellar detective work.

  ‘That’s it?’ I blurted. ‘Case closed?’

  ‘Sophie,’ Perry said, ‘I understand that this is upsetting. But you have to trust our judgement and let it go.’

  ‘This makes it Anderson’s fault though, doesn’t it? He’s the one who upset her that day – isn’t he going to get into trouble?’

  ‘He hasn’t committed a crime, Sophie,’ Julie said softly. ‘I think you have to accept the facts—’

  ‘No, I don’t.’ I stood, causing the chair legs to screech on the tiled floor. Julie laid a hand on my arm, but I shook her off. I didn’t care if I was being rude. It wasn’t as simple as Dani being depressed! I’d told them she wasn’t like that. And what about her going off the balcony backwards?

  My head was spinning. I needed to be alone. I thought someone, probably Julie, would stop me as I stormed out, but I heard Perry say, ‘Let her go; she’ll calm down.’ Patronizing git – all the time pretending he understood when he’d clearly thought I was crazy, just like my mum and cousin!

  As I mulled this over, sitting on the swing, I became even more convinced that Danielle hadn’t just killed herself over some man. She’d fought hard for everything she had – she wouldn’t throw it away like that! So what did this mean? That someone had been responsible for her death? It seemed mad, and I could hardly believe I was thinking it. But if it wasn’t suicide, and my gut instinct said it wasn’t, then it had to be murder.

  As the swing slowed down and the world became clearer I became aware that someone was on the swing beside me, not swinging, just sitting. A grown-up someone, who shouldn’t really be in the kiddies’ play area. A grown-up someone who was looking at me.

  ‘Sorry to butt in . . . but you’re Sophie, aren’t you?’

  It was Aiden Anderson.

  ‘It is Sophie, isn’t it?’ he said when I didn’t reply. ‘Dani’s young cousin?’

  He was wearing cargo trousers that stopped just below the knees, flip-flops and one of those silly over-tight T-shirts. I couldn’t see his eyes – he had expensive-looking sunglasses on – but his voice sounded gentle. Apologetic even.

  This is not happening, I thought. I closed my eyes and opened them again, but Aiden was still there.

  ‘Oh dear,’ he said. ‘Guess I shouldn’t have followed you.’

  I jumped off the swing. Aiden held up his hands, looking surprised.

  ‘Calm down! I didn’t mean it like that. I left my sunglasses in the police station when I was there earlier, and I was picking them up when I saw you go in – so I thought I’d wait and have a word. I knew who you were – you look so like Dani.’

  I took a step backwards. ‘Why would you want to speak to me?’

  ‘To tell you I’m sorry.’

  I felt a sharp pain in my chest, the kind you get when you suddenly realize you’ve got something wrong. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that.

  ‘I know I have something to answer for,’ Aiden continued. His voice had a slight accent to it – Midlands, I thought. ‘I’m guessing the police didn’t tell you too much.’

  I took a quick look around the park. There were several parents sitting on benches just metres away, watching their children clamber on the monkey bars, and there were dog walkers and cyclists passing by. There was no way Aiden could try anything. Slowly I sat back down on the swing.

  ‘OK,’ I said. ‘I’m listening. But take your sunglasses off. I don’t trust people when I can’t see their eyes.’

  Aiden flipped the shades on to his head. His eyes were very blue. I started to swing back and forth.

  ‘So . . . how long had you been seeing my cousin? She never mentioned you to me.’

  ‘Six months. We worked together. If I’d known she was going to freak when I went to Bournemouth, believe me, I wouldn’t have gone. Suppose I was being selfish; just wanted to leave things in a happier place, be friends, something like that. You know what it’s like.’

  Suddenly I felt very self-conscious. Aiden evidently thought I was older than I was, and I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with that.

  ‘You ended up having an argument. That’s what the police said.’

  ‘I guess she couldn’t stand the sight of me. She gave me a huge slagging off; not gonna deny I deserved it. Dani was really rattled. And then she went back to the flat . . . you know the rest.’

  ‘So it’s your fault she died.’

  ‘Me turning up maybe had something to do with it. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.’

  He didn’t say sorry again, which was just as well. If he had, I swear I’d have punched him.

  ‘How does that make you feel?’ I asked in a hard voice.

  ‘Crap,’ Aiden said. ‘How would it make you feel?’

  ‘Why didn’t you go to the police earlier?’

  ‘Why d’you think? If you suspected someone might’ve killed themselves because of you, would you go around telling people?’

  Grudgingly I admitted that it made sense. I felt deflated, like the fight had left me. I kind of wished Aiden hadn’t come. He seemed so reasonable. It was hard to hate him.

  ‘Any more questions?’ Aiden said when I’d been silent a while.

  ‘Not really,’ I said. ‘They all seem to have been answered.’

  ‘I’ll leave you alone then.’ The swing chains jingled as Aiden got up. ‘You think of anything else . . . just send me a message on Facebook.’

  I heard his footsteps on the soft tarmac and the squeak of the gate. As soon as he was out of sight I realized that I hadn’t really asked him anything, but it didn’t matter any more anyway.

  My mobile buzzed. Reece was trying to call me, and I could see that Julie had earlier too, but I didn’t feel like speaking. I turned my mobile off and wandered about the streets with my headphones on. My music player seemed to sense my mood; even though I’d set it on shuffle mode, it seemed to be picking out all the most angst-filled tracks. It was time I accepted it – Dani had killed herself and now I had nothing and no one left. I tried to fall into a zombie-like state and switch my brain off, but it was impossible . . .

  Running through my mind were all the times I’d lost people. Not just Dani, but my mum, my aunt . . . and perhaps the most painful memory of all, my ‘almost adoption’. I’d been nine years old. The Wilsons had been the kind of couple I’d never thought would go anywhere near me – they had lovely clothes, a nice clean house in a posh area and good jobs, the kind of parents every kid in care dreams of. The bedroom I’d had when I stayed with them on trial was like heaven to me, big, spacious, a lovely bouncy bed and lilac walls – even now I can never see that colour without feeling a little sick. As for why it all went wrong – well, I just wasn’t good enough for them. Two months in, they had second thoughts, and that was it. It took me completely by surprise and it’s difficult to describe how crushing that had felt. If I’d done something specific wrong it would be easier to deal with, but apparently I just wasn’t ‘the right girl’.

  The reall
y bitter blow had come two years later, when I’d secretly found my way to their house after school one day. I don’t know what I’d been hoping to find. The house looked exactly as it had when I was there, except the door had been painted black. While I was standing taking it in, the Wilsons had drawn up in their big BMW. And in the back seat had been a girl, a little younger than me, with shiny brown hair and a freckled, smiley face. She was the new me – but evidently a better version, else I’d have been the one in that seat, with the lilac bedroom and a new chance. I stared at her, and she stared at me, and then the Wilsons said, ‘Sophie?’ as though they couldn’t believe it, and I ran. And I remember thinking, crystal clear, that I would never let myself hope for anything again, because I would never be good enough, however hard I tried.

  It was ten by the time I got back to Julie’s – by bus, because I’d walked too far to go back on foot. Julie came out of the living room when she heard the front door slam.

  ‘Sophie! Where have you been? I was this close to calling the police.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said, sloping up the stairs.

  Julie reached through the banisters and caught my arm. ‘Sophie,’ she said softly, ‘let’s talk about this—’

  I shook her off. ‘What good will talking do? You think I was crazy to even go to the police about Dani. Leave me alone!’

  Julie stepped back, looking resigned. I went to my room. Inside, I climbed into bed fully clothed, pulling the covers over my head.

  REECE

  I was pretty certain Sophie would have reacted badly to the police’s news. DI Perry had phoned Mum and explained about Aiden coming in to see him. It sounded reasonable to me. But I wasn’t Sophie.

  A freckled kid I didn’t recognize opened the door to Sophie’s house, probably a new foster-sibling. He told me Sophie was still in bed and bounded off into the living room. I could hear what sounded like a Toy Story film in the background. I went upstairs, comparing it to where I lived. This house looked like a bomb site – junk crammed on shelves, children’s toys on the stairs, laundry slung over the banisters. It made me realize how used I’d got to living in luxury.