The Onion Presents

by The Staff of The Onion

  “When fate led me to Brenda, I was a wounded person, afraid I would never again be able to trust a woman. After all, my heart had been broken by three previous soulmates,” Colton said. “But Brenda taught me that I could find true love again. And you know what? That’s exactly what I’ve done.”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can’t Find Someone

  MINNEAPOLIS—Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed “countless” personals ads over the years, wondered aloud Monday why she can’t find someone special. “All I want is to find a D/D-free NS/ND/C/SWM who shares my strong morals and doesn’t waste his time going to bars and parties,” the 32-year-old said. “For some reason, no men seem to respond to that description.”

  NEWS

  Local Girlfriend Always Wants To Do Stuff

  SALEM, OR—Local resident Steven Bertram is “fed up” with girlfriend Alicia Maas’ incessant need to do stuff, a visibly frustrated Bertram reported Monday.

  Steven Bertram and Alicia Maas in earlier times, perfectly content to be at home and not doing anything.

  According to the 31-year-old maintenance technician, Maas, 29, regularly insists that the couple engage in an endless series of activities, things, and events, at various times of the day, despite the fact that Bertram would often prefer not to do such stuff.

  “Just yesterday she was going on and on about how much she wanted to see a movie,” said Bertram, noting that he had, after repeated requests, taken the demanding Maas to a local cineplex only two months prior. “How many movies does a person need to see in a year? Sometimes I just want to relax.”

  Though he and Maas have dated for almost two years, Bertram reportedly did not recognize the severity of his girlfriend’s near-chronic dependence on getting out of the house and doing stuff until six months ago, when she insisted the two attend a free outdoor concert in their neighborhood. Since that time, Maas has asked an estimated 11 times to be taken to dinner, 17 times to go grocery shopping, and, on 20 separate occasions, has expressed a desire to go on a meandering walk without a fixed destination, purpose, or time limit.

  The precise number of incidents, Bertram said, is difficult to determine, as Maas has oftentimes enlisted him in activities without first asking, including initiating seemingly pointless conversations lacking any definitive context or subject matter, as well as making plans with coworkers, family members, friends, old roommates, the people upstairs, and acquaintances Bertram does not know.

  In addition, an alarming majority of the activities Maas suggests involve standing up.

  “I don’t know if I can live like this,” Bertram said. “On Saturday I was excited to sit back and watch some TV, and then she reminds me that [Bertram’s best friend] Jeremy [Durst] is having his birthday party, and so next thing you know, I’ve got to get up, throw some pants on, and hang out with people all night.”

  “ ‘Alicia is exhibiting all the classic signs of what we call ‘active behavior’—an impulse to engage in unnecessary and often prolonged outdoor movement that is most commonly found in females.”

  “For once I’d like to do what I want to do,” Bertram continued. “She always wants to go somewhere or look at something.”

  Bertram said that for several weeks he attempted to deflect Maas’ demands or otherwise dissuade her from pursuing activities outside their one-bedroom apartment through a series of complex excuses—including a feigned lower-back injury—but met with little success. Recently, he has tried to compromise by purchasing an XBox 360 and several multiplayer games for the two to use together, as well as upgrading the couple’s Netflix account to allow five DVDs at a time.

  “Recently, he has tried to compromise by purchasing an XBox 360 and several multiplayer games for the two to use together, as well as upgrading the couple’s Netflix account to allow five DVDs at a time.”

  Maas’ obsession, however, has shown no signs of abating, and on Sunday she volunteered herself and Bertram to walk their neighbors’ dog when they go on vacation next week.

  “That’s three more nights ruined,” said Bertram as he toggled between the popular website eBaumsworld.com and a game of online poker. “I could literally be doing anything else, but instead, I’ll be walking a dog. I don’t need to always be doing stuff, and especially not stuff like that.”

  According to behavioral psychologist Dr. Michael Greer, though Maas’ irrational compulsion for doing things is extreme, it is by no means uncommon.

  “Alicia is exhibiting all the classic signs of what we call ‘active behavior’—an impulse to engage in unnecessary and often prolonged outdoor movement that is most commonly found in females,” Greer said. “Though we cannot be certain, these habits seem to stem from an innate desire to not be doing nothing.”

  Added Greer, “All available research indicates that this type of unstable behavior is most disturbing when it occurs early in the morning, after 10 p.m., on weekends and perfectly good vacation days, or before one has a chance to finish the third goddamned disc of the second season of Lost.”

  Despite repeated attempts, Maas could not be reached for comment, since she was out at the gym or having coffee with a friend or some shit.

  NEWS IN PHOTOS

  Mannequins Seem Really In Love

  NEWS

  S&M Couple Won’t Stop Droning On About Their Fetishes

  SANTA FE, NM—According to friends of Jason Roder and Gina Von Poppel, the sexually adventurous couple won’t stop droning on about spanking, caning, ball gags, erotic photography, fetish parties, leather, rubber, PVC, latex, whips, floggers, and countless other S&M-related objects and activities.

  Gina Von Poppel and Jason Roder.

  “When Jason first told me about his and Gina’s kinky sex life, I was amazed. I wanted to hear all about it,” said Stan Pritchard, Roder’s best friend. “But around the 15th time I heard about how great it is to be tied to a chair, I was, like, ‘Yeah, I know. The chair. The whip. Being straddled. Got it, thanks.’ ”

  Roder and Von Poppel, who have been dating for almost four years, began experimenting with sadomasochism in July 1999 after buying a few S&M-related items at Santa Fe’s Naughty & Nice adult video and novelty store.

  “It wasn’t until I began experimenting with domination and mistress role-playing that I really discovered myself sexually,” Von Poppel has told dozens of people over the years. “It’s so liberating to explore the threshold between pleasure and pain.”

  Meredith Engler, a close friend and former college roommate of Von Poppel’s, said she has frequently found herself subjected to hours-long accounts of the couple’s S&M exploits.

  “Gina and Jason have a pretty open-minded group of friends and, at first, we all thought it was cool that they were being so frank about sex,” Engler said. “That was our mistake—giving them an opening.”

  As Roder and Von Poppel delved deeper into sadomasochism, they began dominating nearly every party and social event with endless talk of fetishes, secret fantasies, and forays into bondage and discipline.

  “ ‘Around the 15th time I heard about how great it is to be tied to a chair, I was like, ‘Yeah, I know. The chair. The whip. Being straddled. Got it, thanks.’ ”

  “When Jason and Gina first told me about their ‘secret,’ I thought, wow, these people must have one hell of an interesting life,” friend Peter Orwitz said. “I couldn’t have been more wrong. How many times can a person discuss cock leashes?”

  Orwitz said the only thing worse than the couple’s lengthy lectures on the positioning benefits of a wall-mounted restraining swing are the long-winded clarifications about the nature of sadomasochism.

  “As Jason is constantly pointing out, it’s not S&M that they’re into: It’s BD/SM, which is bondage-domination and sadomasochism,’ ” Orwitz said. “Apparently, there’s a big difference between S&M and B&D. Just ask them. I dare you.”

  “ ‘Gina was blathering on and on about domination
and I couldn’t help but say, ‘Well, you’re certainly good at conversation domination.’ I can’t help but wonder if this S&M thing is all a cover-up for their real fetish: talking to people about fetishes.’ ”

  The couple’s friends try to avoid topics that might inadvertently lead to discussions of S&M, but the subject always manages to come up.

  “It’s amazing what will prompt Jason and Gina to talk about sex,” Pritchard said. “We had a barbecue last weekend, and I said, ‘Pass me the tongs.’ So Jason and Gina exchange a knowing look and, before you know it, we’re off on an hour-long discussion of how you should put your metal sex toys in the freezer for a few hours before using them.”

  Roder and Von Poppel have even invited friends to join them in one of their S&M adventures. Thus far, there have been no takers.

  “They asked if me and my girlfriend wanted to go with them to Fetish Night at some club called The Dungeon,” Pritchard said. “I guess maybe I would have been curious, except I’d already heard every last detail about Fetish Night already. I know about the transgender drag show. I know about the ‘secret room’ and the ‘safe words.’ I’ve heard all about the Saran Wrap woman and the rubber-tubing outfit and Metal-Cage-Around-The-Balls Guy at least five times. So I passed.”

  After many unsuccessful attempts to subtly communicate her irritation to Roder and Von Poppel, Engler determined that she needed to be more direct.

  “Last Friday, Gina was blathering on and on about domination, and I couldn’t help but say, ‘Well, you’re certainly good at conversation domination,’ ” Engler said. “I can’t help but wonder if this S&M thing is all a cover-up for their real fetish: talking to people about fetishes.”

  Another couple, Sara DeWitt and Ron Crandall, met them at a local bar in May.

  “We all had a few drinks and ended up talking about sex almost the entire night,” Crandall said. “I remember going home thinking, ‘God, these people are nothing like the uptight, boring types I usually hang out with.’ ”

  As the friendship progressed, however, DeWitt and Crandall found that every conversation with the couple eventually turned to S&M.

  “The third time we hung out, I started to pick up on the pattern,” DeWitt said. “Don’t these people have any interests besides vibrating tit clamps? I tried to steer the conversation toward other subjects, but every time I did, they’d start right up with the S&M talk again, telling me not to be so repressed.”

  Added DeWitt: “For people who aren’t uptight or boring, those two are pretty uptight and boring.”

  NEWS IN PHOTOS

  Cute Couple On Same Antidepressant

  NEWS

  Area Girlfriend Still Hasn’t Seen Apocalypse Now

  AZUSA, CA—In a discovery prompting exasperated forehead-slapping and stunned expressions of incredulity, Mark Tillich learned Monday that girlfriend Brandi Jensen has never even seen Apocalypse Now.

  Mark Tillich and Brandi Jensen, who, unbelievably, has never seen Apocalypse Now, “one of the greatest films of all time.”

  “You gotta be kiddin’ me, Bran!” said Tillich, 21, a senior marketing major at Azusa Pacific University, upon discovering Jensen’s ignorance of the 1979 Francis Ford Coppola-directed Vietnam War epic. “It’s only, like, arguably the most ambitious anti-war statement in American movie history. Jesus!”

  “I cannot believe you’ve never seen Apocalypse Now,” he added. “That’s insane.”

  Tillich, who first saw the critically acclaimed film on HBO at age 14 while sleeping over at a friend’s house, was particularly distressed by the fact that Jensen had not only never seen the film, but was wholly unfamiliar with its basic premise.

  “Hello? Joseph Conrad’s Heart Of Darkness updated from 19th-century British imperialism in the Congo to a critique of 20th-century U.S. imperialism in Southeast Asia? Hello? Any of this ringing a bell?” Tillich said. “Come on, that’s like saying you’ve never seen Full Metal Jacket.”

  When Jensen replied that she hadn’t even heard of Full Metal Jacket, Tillich threw up his hands in an “I give up” gesture and stormed out of the room.

  “It’s not like I don’t like movies,” Jensen said. “I loved Notting Hill, and I’m totally psyched to see Hanging Up—I’m the biggest Meg Ryan fan. I even used to have a When Harry Met Sally poster in my dorm room. And have you seen My Best Friend’s Wedding? Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz are so amazing in it. My all-time favorite, though, has got to be Beaches.”

  “ ‘It’s not that I don’t like movies. I loved Notting Hill, and I’m totally psyched to see Hanging Up—I’m the biggest Meg Ryan fan. I even used to have a When Harry Met Sally poster in my dorm room.’ ”

  Tillich, however, is unimpressed. “He called my movies overwrought, weepy chick dramas lacking in any genuine visceral impact,’ ” Jensen said. “Well, excuse me for living, Mr. Big Army Guns.”

  Marlon Brando as Colonel Kurtz, a “mind-blowing” character with whom Jensen is unfamiliar.

  Tillich responded to his girlfriend’s shocking Apocalypse Now revelation by making plans for her to see it that night, claiming that “to deny [her] the pleasure [she] would experience in viewing such a cinematic masterpiece for even one more second would be a crime.”

  Though Jensen declined, telling him she had to study for a test, Tillich persisted, trying to convey to her “the urgency of rectifying this situation as soon as possible.”

  “After class yesterday, I was hanging out with them, and he wouldn’t shut up about it,” said Melissa Ayler, Jensen’s best friend. “He was like, ‘But it’s got Robert Duvall’s classic turn as the surfing-obsessed helicopter squad leader!’ Then he started quoting all these lines from it, saying stuff like, ‘Charlie don’t surf,’ and ‘I love the smell of A-bombs in the morning.’ At least, I think that’s what he said—I’ve never seen the stupid movie, either.”

  Tillich’s housemate Howie Fuller said that while eating dinner with the couple and several of Jensen’s friends, Tillich described in detail the film’s climactic scene, in which villagers hack an ox to pieces as The Doors’ “The End” plays.

  “She was like, ‘What’s so appealing about an ox getting violently slaughtered? It really doesn’t sound like something I’d enjoy, Mark.’ And all the girls at the table were like, ‘Yeah, that’s gross,’ ” Fuller said. “But that just made him lose it even worse. He started screaming, ‘You don’t understand! The destruction of the ox parallels the destruction of Colonel Kurtz! Can’t you see that?’ It was sad.”

  According to Tillich, Jensen’s failure to see Apocalypse Now is her worst cinematic transgression since last October, when the couple was browsing a Blockbuster video store and she casually pointed at the box for Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver and said, “I’ve seen that. Yuck!” Jensen further outraged Tillich when she rejected such proposed rentals as A Clockwork Orange, Glengarry Glen Ross, Wall Street, and True Romance.

  Other infamous episodes that have occurred during the couple’s 18-month relationship include Tillich’s August 1999 insistence that Jensen listen to all of side two of the Velvet Underground’s White Light/White Heat, his January 1999 failure to talk Jensen into visiting the grave of Philip K. Dick during a Colorado road trip, and his ongoing unsuccessful efforts to get her to read Alan Moore’s Watchmen, a 1986 postmodern-superhero graphic novel she described as “a comic book about a big blue space guy” and that he calls “nothing less than a total, devastating deconstruction of virtually every archetype in the genre’s history.”

  “ ‘What in Apocalypse Now could possibly be unappealing to a smart, deep, complicated, insteresting 22-year-old woman? It just doesn’t add up.’ ”

  The most frustrating thing, Tillich said, is the fact that Jensen is “exactly my idea of the perfect woman for me,” making her ignorance of the seminal film all the harder to fathom and forcing him to call into question, at a profound level, the basic foundation of their relationship and future together.

  “You’ve got to real
ize, Bran is not just some airhead,” Tillich told Fuller over drinks at the Azusa Pacific student union. “She’s intelligent, involved, and culturally aware. So how the hell could she not know about Brando and Sheen’s classic encounters in Kurtz’s depraved jungle fortress? What in Apocalypse Now could possibly be unappealing to a smart, deep, complicated, interesting 22-year-old woman? It just doesn’t add up.”

  “I just don’t know if I can be seriously committed to somebody who has no interest in seeing Apocalypse Now,” Tillich continued. “She’s just really missing out. I bet she’d love it I could just get her to sit down and watch it.”

  “I just don’t know if I can be seriously committed to somebody who has no interest in seeing Apocalypse Now. She’s just really missing out.”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing

  PHILADELPHIA—After consuming numerous alcoholic beverages and repeatedly locking eyes throughout the night, area couple Tracy Williams and Steve Stills were reportedly so overcome with passion Saturday that they slipped out of Dana Leink’s 26th birthday party for a quick 20 minutes of raucous fighting. “There was definitely some electricity between the two of them,” said Kelly Brandt, adding that nothing could have stopped the couple from “going at it” for a while. “Tracy and Steve are so intense—I’m not surprised they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.” According to those in attendance, everyone inside the party could hear the fiery couple’s moans as their bodies repeatedly slammed against the wall.

  NEWS

  Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

  PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.