Runaway Love

by Washington, Pamela

  “YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I HATE YOU!” I scream as loudly as I can. I’m so angry, I can’t even cry. I need to drink. No, I need something else… I feel my old patterns about to start. I find my stash of sleeping pills that I hid in the back of a kitchen cupboard, and I take one or two or three before Tony comes to check on me. I lie down on the couch and cover myself with a blanket, even my head. I don’t feel like being bothered by anyone.

  I wake up feeling so groggy that I have no idea where I am, what day or time it is, or even what my name is for a moment. I know I shouldn’t have taken those sleeping pills with alcohol still in my system, but I needed to get away from everyone and everything. I didn’t try to kill myself, I know that for sure; I just wanted to escape for a while. I blink several times and my surroundings finally come into focus. I’m in my bed with Tony holding me like he’s afraid he’s losing me. Is he?

  This reminds me of the day when I came home to Tony’s apartment incredibly drunk and screaming in pain from the heartache Scott caused me. I had gone straight to my room without acknowledging anyone, but Tony followed me. I yelled and called him every name in the book, yet he never left me. He laid on my bed with me, pulled me close, and held me until I fell asleep. Allison had come home and seen me and Tony in my bed together. She started fussing and yelling at Tony. I remember her calling me a crazy bitch who was worthless because I was hooked on drugs and alcohol. It was true, but Tony didn’t like it one bit. She told Tony she was going to leave him if he didn’t get rid of me.

  I’ll always remember Tony’s response: “That will be the best thing you can do because Grace will always come first in my life.” I cried the hardest that night. I heard Allison slam the apartment door, and Tony came back into bed with me.

  Tony has always here for me, even when I was going through the darkest times. I can’t go backwards with Tony; I can’t put him through that ever again. I want both Scott and Tony in my life, but I know I can’t because Tony is my future and Scott is my past. They can’t co-exist in this world. Maybe in another life, Scott could be mine, but I somehow have to figure out how to navigate the here and now without the love of my life.

  I don’t know how long I sleep, but when I wake up again, it’s morning, and Tony’s bringing me in a breakfast tray.

  “Good morning, Gracie,” Tony says with a little bit of apprehension. I sit up against the headboard, relieved I’m feeling a little better than yesterday.

  “Good morning. I’m sorry about yesterday.” He shakes his head and bends down and gives me a kiss on the lips.

  “Don’t worry about it, baby. I know you have a lot on your mind; I just hope that you can talk to me about it. Oh, Kim has been calling like crazy, so you might want to call her soon.” I nod and start picking at my food as I watch Tony pop in an I Love Lucy DVD before he leaves the room.

  I feel my phone vibrate next to me. I glance at it to see it’s a text from Scott.

  Scott:

  I hope you’re not mad at me about the other night. Please call me to let me know that you’re okay.

  I hit delete without a second thought. Really, Scott? He wants to pretend he really cares about me? Why? To soothe his conscience? Make himself feel like he tried to help me? This is bullshit, and I don’t have time for him. I need to ignore him because I don’t want to hurt Tony. I really do want to talk to Scott about this thing with Maxine, though. God, I am so fucked up! I can’t make up my fucking mind! I call Kim instead of thinking about Scott because I know she has questions, and I owe her the answers.

  She answers on the first ring. “Oh my God, Grace! You scared the shit out of me! Why are you just now calling me?”

  I sigh into the phone. “I’m so sorry, Kim, for putting you in the middle of all this. I really am. Everything that’s happened is because of you know who, and I just needed a drink to cope with it all. I know, I know it’s not an excuse, but it’s what I did. I feel awful for hurting people I care about.”

  “Girl, you did more than drink! I have never seen you so wasted! If that bartender hadn’t answered my phone call, what would’ve happened?” I know Kimberly’s right. I was stupid for putting myself in that type of situation, especially when I have a husband and a son to think about.

  “I know, I know. I’m so grateful everything worked out for the best, and you were able to help me.” We talk a little more before Tony comes back upstairs, and I tell her I’ll call her back.

  That night Tony wants to have sex, but I can’t be intimate with him after having sex with Scott a couple nights ago. It just doesn’t seem right, and I’m afraid that Tony will know that I did something wrong. I need to get out of this house and clear my head because my guilt is eating away at me every time I’m around my husband.

  “Tony, would you be mad if I said I needed to leave the house for a little while?” Tony jumps straight up and starts running his fingers through his hair.

  “What’s gotten into you, Grace? Did I do something wrong?” He drops to his knees and pulls my hands to him “I love you, Gracie. We can’t go backwards. Don’t shut down on me; talk to me, please.”

  God, I can’t do this! I’m already hurting him, but if he knew the truth, would it destroy him? Would he still love me the same? I know he doesn’t want me to leave the house this late, so I need to convince him to go to work tomorrow so I can have some alone time. I think that’s a good compromise.

  “I love you, Antonio, and I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me. But, we need to get back to normal and start living our lives. I love having you home all day with me, but you need to go to work tomorrow. Please, baby, I’ll be fine.”

  He’s shocked when I say his full name; I never use it unless I’m upset with him. He kisses me on the lips and my neck. I pull away from him and look into his eyes. I can see the hurt I’m causing him, and I hate it. Damn me for looking for Scott. No, damn Scott for lying on the beach and making the tabloids. I may be all kinds of fucked up, but this is all Scott’s fault!

  “I know something is wrong, Grace, but I’ll go to work tomorrow to give you time to think. Just remember, I’m here for you no matter what.” He stands up and walks over to his side of the bed and lies down. I get up and head into the bathroom to turn the shower on. When the water is warm enough, I curl up on the floor of the shower and cry silent tears until I have no more tears left inside of me.

  I dry off and lie down in bed to snuggle up to Tony. I had thought he’d be sleeping by now, but I was wrong.

  “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Grace.” He pulls me in closer. I want to cry again, but I just close my eyes and get lost in my thoughts as I wait for sleep to claim me.

  The next morning, I get up early from having a restless sleep. I start making breakfast as Tony gets Scottie ready. I watch my two favorite guys walk into the kitchen. I give Tony a kiss before I kiss Scottie.

  “Mom, you’re in a good mood. I love when you’re in a good mood!” My heart breaks at his excitement over what should be a normal morning. I’ve been distant with Scottie, and it’s obviously been bothering him. I know I shouldn’t let my emotions affect my relationship with my son, but right now, I don’t know how to be a mom and it sucks.

  We sit down to eat, and Tony tells me that he’ll be leaving work early so he can watch Scottie’s karate practice. I appreciate Tony thinking about taking care of the everyday responsibilities for me right now. I wonder if I would’ve even remembered to pick Scottie up on time, and a tremendous wave of guilt washes over me. What kind of mother am I? I wonder how different I would be as a parent if I had had one to look up to? Tony was blessed with two amazing parents and look how he turned out! I would like to think I’d be more deserving of Tony and Scottie’s love if I knew what I was doing. But, I can only do the best I can do… We are all in our own thoughts as we finish up our breakfast. I kiss my guys goodbye then grab the plates as Tony and Scottie leave to start their day.

  I go upstairs and change my clothes so I can go for a run
on the treadmill. I put my headphones on to have Adele’s Rolling in the Deep is blasting in my ears. I run like I need to run Scott out of mind. I need to tell him that I need to move on with my life because this isn’t going to end well for me. Hell, for Tony either. My phone rings, and I see it’s Scott’s number. I slow down my running and answer the phone.

  “Hey, Scott, what can I do for you?” I ask with a chip in my voice

  “Don’t be like that, Grace. What’s wrong? You avoid my calls after you leave in the middle of the fucking night after the most amazing sex I’ve ever had?” Scott’s obviously pissed, but he has no right to be mad at me.

  I step off the treadmill and sit down on the bench to gather my thoughts before responding, “I’m wrong for allowing us to do what we did. I’m a married woman, and I feel guilty for cheating on my husband.”

  “Grace, I understand that. But do you have any idea how much I fucking love you? I wish with all my heart that things were different. You should be mine. I’m not sorry for what happened that night. It was meant to be, and you can deny it all you want, but deep down you know I’m right.”

  Are we meant to be? Does he really love me? Is he right?

  “You say you love me, but what about you and Maxine?” Scott laughs. The fucking cock-sucker has the nerve to laugh right now!

  “You must’ve seen the video on TV. It’s all a front, baby; it’s not what it seems. I was really sick after you left. I wanted to come to your house and take you away with me once and for all.”

  “It’s not funny, Scott! Do you have any idea what that video did to me? What I did after I saw that? Well, I’ve been sick also, Scott! Since you came back into my life, things just seem to be off-balance, and I don’t know what the hell to do. My heart is hurting in so many ways!” I’m fighting to keep my emotions under control. The last thing I need is to unravel again. I can’t let Scott continue to ruin me.

  “I’m sorry, Grace. I didn’t want to cause you any more pain. If you would’ve answered your phone, I would’ve explained about Maxine. I was dying inside the entire time I was with her because I couldn’t get you off my mind. I have an image to uphold, and me being a blubbering pussy isn’t part of it. Maxine’s just doing what needs to be done for my career. Listen, I need you to know that I’m leaving tomorrow to handle some things back in England. Would it be possible for you to come by and see me before I leave?”

  Can I really be in the same room with Scott again? Before I can listen to my heart, my brain answers for me. I tell him I have things to do and hang up.

  God, I can’t keep doing this to myself! Scott left me behind, yet here I am, jumping when he says jump. Hell, I think about Tony and how he’s always here for me. He isn’t the person who’s going to come and go as he pleases, with no consideration for anyone else. No, he’s my security, my safety net. He’ll never hurt me, and it’s about time I stop hurting him. I need to stop this now and tomorrow will be the day to end this.

  I go downstairs and pour myself a glass of wine before I decide to text Tony.

  Grace:

  I love you, baby. I know I can be a bitch. Thank you for sticking with me.

  Tony:

  I know you can be crazy sometimes, but there isn’t anything you can do that’ll run me off. Remember you don’t have to keep secrets from me. I’m your husband, and I love and understand more than you may know.

  I read his text several times. I want to just tell him everything, but I can’t.

  Grace:

  Thank you for being you… always.

  Tony:

  Just remember who waited and came back for you.

  What the hell? I almost choke on my wine. Does Tony know something I don’t know? Have I been talking in my sleep again? I read the message again then delete every message between Scott and myself in my phone. I need to get Scott out of my system before things make a turn for the worst.

  I know I’m probably going to regret it if I don’t go and see Scott before he leaves. I grab my keys and run out the door only to run straight into… Scott? WHAT THE HELL? How does he know where I live?

  “Are you going to let me in Grace or do you want the neighbors to know I’m sneaking over while your husband’s gone?” I grab his shirt and pull him into my house.

  What the hell is Scott doing here? In my home? In my personal space? I can’t even move as I watch him pick up a family picture and smile.

  “You have a happy family, Grace. Could we have had this life if I stayed?” He turns and looks at me.

  I don’t answer because I know the answer. We could’ve all this and more, but he didn’t stay - he left. I walk into the kitchen, leaving Scott in the living room. I pour myself a full glass of wine, and as I bring it to my lips to take a sip, I feel Scott press against me on the counter.

  “You’re not happy to see me, Grace?” He runs his hands down my arm. His touch is so soft, and I just want to melt, but I need to focus. I shake my head no.

  I sip the wine and move Scott out of my way. I sit down on the other side of counter and down the whole glass of wine while Scott leans on the counter and looks into my eyes.

  “I don’t know why you’re not talking, but I’m leaving for England, and I need to know if you want me to give up everything and move here or stay there and continue my soccer career?”

  “I…I don’t know Scott. It isn’t my place to answer that.”

  He reaches out and grabs my hands. I don’t pull back.

  “Yes, Grace, you hold all the cards right now. However you deal the cards, that’s how I’ll play them.”

  I can’t breathe, and then I close my eyes and remember him and Maxine.

  “NO! WHAT THE FUCK is going on with YOU AND MAXINE?”

  He laughs like I told a joke. “I told you, Grace, she’s a friend. She’s Mr. Rivers, my manager’s, daughter. I won’t lie - we did have sex from time to time, but there was nothing to it other than filling a need for each other. We’re just friends. I promise you that.”

  I stand up. “Okay, so she’s your fuck-buddy then?” I cross my arms.

  “I guess that’s what you could call her, but not anymore. She already knows about you. I told her when I first moved to England.” I relax a little, but I still don’t trust either one of them.

  “Why are you here? Are trying to cause conflict between me and my husband?” I ask skeptically.

  “If I just wanted to cause conflict, I would’ve told you right away that Tony called me after you gave birth to your son.”

  WHAT??? This is getting out of hand, and I start hyperventilating. Scott comes around and tells me to calm down. I can’t. I stare at him with wide eyes as the implications of his accusation swirl in my mind. No. Scott’s lying. Tony never lies to me, and he sure as hell would never keep such vital information from me! Yet, he’s always afraid of losing me…

  “What did he tell you? How did he know about you? What if he knows about you being here now? In this house, in this very room?” I’m hysterical and beyond the point of reasoning. I push away from Scott. What could Tony have possibly told Scott? I didn’t even have Scott’s fucking number and Lord knows how hard I tried to get it! Did I say something? I never mentioned Scott’s name!

  “Grace, relax. He only called me out of concern for you. He wanted to know if I hurt you! I was shocked by the call as well.”

  “Scott, you must leave. I don’t know what’s going on, but you must go. Now.”

  He takes his time walking to the door. “Grace, if I leave, you still hold the cards, but you need to come to me to deal them. You need to email me or call me and let me know what you want me to do. I’m leaving tonight.”

  He backs me into the wall and kisses me passionately. I open my lips to invite his tongue into my mouth, and I moan when I feel his hands roaming my body. God, he feels so good! I feel his body against mine, and then I push away. “Okay, Scott, you must go now. I’ll email or call you when I’m ready.”

  He looks like he doesn’t wa
nt to leave. “I love you, Grace. You will always have my heart.” I watch him walk out the door and close it behind him.

  I fall to the floor and think of everything he just said and put my fingers to my mouth. Oh God! Why did Scott have to come back now? My mind is all over the place, but I need to focus on what Tony knows about Scott. I get up and turn the music on and clean the house. It always clears my head.

  I’m dancing and singing as I turn around and jump when I see Tony leaning against the wall in the hallway.

  “Well, I see someone is in a good mood,” he says happily.

  He walks over and tries to kiss me, but I pull away from him. He gives me a what’s-going-on? look. I walk away and finish cleaning the house.

  “I’m going to pick up Scottie in a little bit, but before I leave, I’m going upstairs to relax, and I’m turning the music down.”

  I don’t even turn around. I allow him to turn the music down, and I finish my cleaning. I have this nagging feeling like I need to go and confront Tony. Yes, fuck it. If he knew about Scott, did he marry me because he felt sorry for me or because he wanted to control me or to keep me away from Scott? I can’t even make sense of all the jumbled questions in my mind. I walk upstairs and see my husband lying down.