by Kerry Taylor
“Olivia. We don’t want to scare you or overwhelm you, so if this conversation becomes too much, you just tell us to shut the heck up, ok?” Kade said, making me nervous, What the hell were they going to say? I knew I shouldn’t have shown the scars, I was such an idiot!
“What’s wrong, Babygirl?” Cole asked as he put a finger beneath my chin and raised my face until our eyes met.
“Nothing.” I whimpered as I fought the tears. “Just say what you need to.”
“Well, you already know we all come from bad places. None of us suffered as much as you have, Princess, but we’ve all had tough childhoods and we were all pretty messed up when we came here to Keira and Grant.” Kyle began. I nodded. I knew that. “Well, the way we all got through the hell we’d each been through, was to latch onto each other. We had Mom and Dad too, and they are amazing people. They have supported each and every one of us, even when we were horrible little shits to them, but the four of us, we all arrived pretty close to each other and we were all pretty similar in how fucked up and angry we were. Xander was here already and he helped us all. He’s our brother, but he’s always been older and he didn’t go through what we did.
“The four of us, we depend on each other, need each other, especially when things get tough.”
“I know. I w-would never come between you all.” I said quickly, thinking that must be where this was going. Did they know I kissed Cole? Were they mad?
“We know that, Love, that’s not why Kyle’s telling you this. What he’s trying to get to, is that we made a decision a while ago, a decision that we would not separate, that we have to always stick together. We’re better now, stronger, but only because we have each other to count on and to turn to when days get dark and things get too tough. It will be weird to most people. They’ll think we’re odd, maybe even pretty pathetic for needing each other like we do, but we don’t care.”
“People are stupid if they think that. They don’t know what you’ve been through. They don’t know what they would need to do to cope everyday if they had to live your lives.” I said defensively, hating the thought of anyone saying anything against my guys.
“You’re right Carina, but people will always judge, just like people were watching the three of us dance tonight, but just like we did tonight, we will ignore them because there is nothing wrong with the way we have chosen to live our lives.” Matt added and I completely agreed. I knew people were glaring our way as we danced that night, but I hadn’t cared, because I was happy and content and safe, and after everything, I felt I was entitled to feel that way for a little while without judgement. I knew nothing I was doing was wrong, or harming anyone, so what did it matter?
“So you will all live together, like get a house together?” I asked.
“That’s the plan once the guys graduate next year. We want to live together and we have also discussed the idea of all having one relationship together, all of us with one girl.” Kyle said, his eyes never leaving mine as he quickly said the last part.
“Can you do that?” I asked. I knew they were worried I was going to freak, but I wasn’t at all. Instead exciting possibilities were running through my mind. Right or wrong, I had equally strong feelings for all four of the guys that surrounded me. I hadn’t really dared admit it to myself because one, I never for one second thought they’d feel anything back, and two, if they did, I could never choose between them. This conversation though, it felt like hope.
“We can. Poly relationships are pretty new as an accepted thing, and people will definitely judge us for it if it happens, but plenty of people have very successful relationships with more than two people, A lot of the ones that exist involve one man and more women, but it works either way.” Kade explained.
“For us, we feel the four of us, with one woman, would work because individually we are pretty broken. It could be hard for a woman to get everything she needs from say, just me, because I don’t have it all to offer. I have issues from my childhood that make it hard for me to deal with emotions and you know how fast I can get angry, not that I would ever hurt anyone, but I have a short fuse. If we were in a relationship together, when I lose it, or close down because I can’t deal with emotions, or go crazy, being way too protective, one of the other guys would be there to step in, for me and for the woman. It’s the same for all of us. We all have issues we haven’t worked through completely, and individually we are flawed. The four of us together though, we can be everything a woman needs and more.” Kyle explained and it made sense, though I had never seen them as flawed. To me they were all wonderfully strong and special guys.
“Do you think you’ll find a girl that you could all like though? You’re all so different?”
“We were worried about that. All of our discussions were just in theory because we have never met a girl we were all drawn to equally, who liked all of us in return. At least not until you walked into our lives Olivia.” Cole said and my heart leapt into my mouth as I just sat, gobsmacked.
“Don’t freak out on us, Love. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way. We never intended to bombard you with this right now, but it just felt right.” Kade soothed as his hand landed on my knee.
“I’m not freaking.” I whispered, then laughed when Kade stared me down knowingly. “Ok, I’m freaking a little, but not the way you think. I….I like you guys, all of you. My feelings have been building since the day I met you, but I…..I thought it was wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me for liking all of you and I totally never expected any of you to like me back.”
“Why the hell not? You’re beautiful Liv and so damned smart.” Kyle sighed.
“And you’re so strong, and even when you’re scared, you don’t back down.” Matt added, making me tearful.
“And you can speed eat candy faster than anyone I know and, as discovered tonight, you’re a total badass little scrapper.” Cole joked, making me laugh a little through my tears.
“We’ve all fallen for you Olivia, since the moment we saw you. We don’t expect anything from you. We understand after what you’ve been through it will take time for you to be ready, but we’re all here and we’ll wait. We’re yours if you want to try this?” Kade finished.
“And know Liv, that if you don’t want this then it changes nothing. The four of us will always be here for you and this will always be your home.” Kyle added hurriedly.
I took a deep breath to try and calm my tears and just think, but there wasn’t really much to think about. I was pretty sure it would be unconventional and we would be judged for it again and again, but I wasn’t exactly normal anyway. I had feelings for all of the guys and the thought of any kind of future without the four of them terrified me. They gave me the strength to go forward. They made me brave and strong. I wasn’t going to let the opinion of the public take that from me.
“I want to try.” I whispered as a smile spread across my face widely. “I think I’m falling for all of you too and I need you, all of you.” A sob escaped and instantly I was in the centre of my guys, all four of them holding me from every side and for once, they were happy tears. We all just took a few minutes to be together and it felt so good to have all of them around me. I understood what they meant when they said they needed each other, because in that moment, with the four of them, I felt more whole than I had in a very long time.
“We’re all going to do this at your pace, Princess. Things will stay pretty much as they’ve been, maybe with more hugs though.” Kyle said once we pulled apart again. “Everything else will be entirely up to you, ok?”
“Ok.” I agreed. I debated whether to be upfront or not. It would be hard to talk about the abuse, but I needed to start off with honesty and I knew it. “I….I’ve wanted to kiss you guys. I kinda did kiss poor Cole.” The guys all looked to Cole who was smirking his ass off.
“”Yeah, poor Cole.” Kyle grumbled, making me smile.
“I just mean, I must feel comfortable with you guys to an extent because I
never would have thought I’d even touch a guy again when I left there, let alone kiss one. I just need you guys to know…..It might take me a long while to…..to get to more than kissing. The Shadow…...the kidnapper, I mean…..he touched me…..hurt me. I d-don’t even know if I can ever…..”
“Hey, Livy. It’s ok, Love. We know what you went through and we all understand. If we never get there, then we’ll find other ways to have fun. Just do what feels right and we’ll see where we go. No one is ever going to push you. We just want you in our lives, however we can have you.” Kade soothed as he took my hands and rubbed soothing circles with his thumbs on the backs.
“I can live my whole life powered on Livy hugs.” Cole agreed, making me laugh through my sobs.
“You’re ours now Princess. No one will ever hurt you again.” Kyle wrapped his arms around me and squeezed hard as he spoke and I knew he was emotional and trying to process it.
“Does that make you all mine too?” I asked.
“Damn right.” Kyle replied.
They were mine and I was theirs. It sounded pretty amazing to me. I just hoped, in time, I could begin to heal them as they were doing for me.
CHAPTER 14
Four hours later I was laid in bed, tossing and turning, freaking out. The guys were laid out on mattresses on the floor around my bed and I could hear Cole’s slow and heavy breaths and Kyle’s quiet snoring.
We had all fallen asleep watching some action movie Matt picked, well they had. I had laid staring at the ceiling, my thoughts about this new relationship spiralling fast.
My first worry was what would Keira and Grant make of it all? They had brought me into their home as their foster kid. Was it wrong for me to fall for the guys who lived there? Would Keira and Grant be appalled and tell the guys what I was also worrying about, that I wasn’t good enough for one of them, let alone all of them?
I was messed up and barely holding myself together. How could I ever be good enough for the four amazing guys who had been my heroes since the day I met them? They needed someone better, someone whole who could take care of them in return, not some broken girl who would always drag them down. I hated the realisation, because being with the four of them was all I wanted. When I was with them I felt like there was hope I could be better, braver, stronger. I felt safe and I felt loved. I never wanted to walk away from that, but I wouldn’t selfishly take what I wanted if it would hurt the guys in any way. I was pretty sure anyone who got lumbered with me and my issues would end up hurt. I was too fucked up to be what anyone needed, let alone four anyones.
My second worry was that even if I could overcome my fears and just try things with them, how could it possibly work? How could I balance a relationship with four of them and only one of me? Would I take it in turns to spend time with them? Or would we all, always stay together? What about jealousy? I knew it would happen where four alpha males like my guys were concerned, and the absolute last thing I wanted was to ever come between the brothers. The relationship they had was more important than any I could have with them.
The more I lay there thinking, the more I told myself it could never work. I convinced myself it was better to sit them down and tell them I changed my mind, for their sakes. I knew they could hate me, want me to leave, but I would if that was what it would take to protect them. Tears ran down my face at the thought. I never wanted to walk away from them. I wanted them, all of them, needed them with me. I had never felt anything like the way I felt for each of them, but I was no good for them. It was clear to see, they deserved better.
I was becoming too upset at the realisation and I knew I had to get it together before any of them woke and noticed the state I lay in. I needed to be strong, for them if not for myself.
I silently slid from the bed and tiptoed around Cole who was between me and the door. He was sprawled like a starfish on the small twin mattress, his feet hanging off the end and his arms spread off each side. He was way too big for the small mattress and the sight of him made me smile tearfully. My gentle giant. I longed to crawl into the space beside him and cuddle up, but I knew I couldn’t. Instead I stepped over him and crept out into the hall, closing the door silently behind me.
I just needed some space to calm down and compose, so I crept downstairs to the kitchen. Some tea would help.
I flicked on the small over counter lights, not wanting the bright overhead lights blinding me, then filled the kettle and set it to boil. I busied myself getting a cup and the camomile tea, tears creeping down my face the whole time. I was trying to calm down, but all I could think was, why? Why did I have to be taken? Why did I have to be so broken and lost? I had found four amazing guys who I wanted more than anything to be with. That didn’t happen. I knew people struggled to find one person to spend their life with. I found four who I was pretty sure I could love for the rest of my life, but I was too fucked up to actually have them! I could never give them what they needed and wanted. They were amazing guys and they deserved everything. I could offer them very little. Hell, I didn’t even know if I would ever be able to be intimate with them! What guy would ever want a girl like that? I may have been niave, but even I knew men needed to have sex.
By the time the kettle boiled I was so angry I could barely catch my breath, my chest heaving as I took gasping breaths. I hated my life! I hated what happened to me, how much I had lost, and what I had become. Most of all I hated what I knew I was going to lose because of all of it. My guys!
I took a deeper breath and forced myself to make the tea. I had to calm down before I lost it.
Clumsily, my hands shaking wildly, I grabbed the kettle and moved to fill the cup. When I missed and poured water all over the counter I growled furiously and slammed the kettle down. Anger engulfed me and I needed to release it. I grabbed the cup, half full of boiling water and threw it hard in the sink, from some distance. It smashed with a crash, boiling water splashing all over, but I didn’t care. I slid down the cupboard and landed hard on the tile, on my butt. I could barely breathe through the red mist that had descended and I was crying uncontrollably. Way to be strong Olivia! I told myself as I pulled my knees to my chest and just crumbled.
I heard footsteps fast approaching a moment later and cursed myself for making such a scene. I hadn’t thought anyone would be able to hear my meltdown from upstairs, but someone obviously had.
“Livy? What’s wrong, Love?” Kade asked as he came rushing into the kitchen. I sobbed, relieved to have him close, and angry he had to witness me falling apart once again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just get it together? Why couldn’t I be strong, for the guys, if not for myself?
I felt Kade’s thigh brush the side of my leg as he sat down on the tile beside me and pulled me into his side for a hug. I went eagerly, needing him, and grabbed at his shirt as I hid my sobbing face in his soft t-shirt. For a few minutes he just sat silently, holding me. It was exactly what I needed, while at the same time just making things worse, because the thought of turning them away and never having their comfort again was terrifying.
“Come on now Livy. Talk to me. You’re worrying me.” Kade whispered after a while.
I laughed bitterly at his words. “That’s just it.” I commented, then cried harder.
“Love, you’re not making any sense. Take a breath and talk to me. Whatever it is, we can fix it.”
Knowing I needed to just get it out I took a deep breath and forced myself to push up and away from him.
“I’m not good enough Kade.”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“This, us! All of us! It can’t work. You guys need someone better than me. You deserve someone who hasn’t been broken into a million tiny little fucking pieces!” I spat between gasps for breath. The anger coursing through me was like a vice squeezing my chest and my head, making me feel like I would combust eventually. I had never felt anything like it and it terrified me.
“What on earth has brought this on? I thought we all t
alked about this?”
“We did and you made it all seem s-so simple, but it’s not, is it? I can n-ever be what you and the guys need…..I can never be enough. I’m a trainwreck! I can’t even make fucking tea without a freak out! What do you think will happen when you guys want more…...want sex? I probably won’t even be able to give you that! I can’t give you anything!.......He broke me Kade, again and again. There’s nothing left of me intact. I…... I want you guys, I love you all and more than anything I w-want the happiness we could have had, but I can’t! I can’t be the girl you need. I’m too much of a mess…….too fucked up!” I was yelling at him, ranting and completely out of control as I laid all of my fears out. By the end my voice was raw and the words were rough and hoarse. Just seeing it as another sign of how pathetic I was, I broke into sobs again and hid my face in my knees.
I don’t know how I expected Kade to react. Maybe yell back at me, or tell me I was being an idiot. Maybe even agree and walk away, but he didn’t do any of those things. He just got to his feet silently and then bent down and lifted me into his arms. I glanced up from where he held me, curled up, against his chest, confused about his reaction. He just kissed my head and carried on walking, carrying me up the stairs and toward my room.
He opened the door and walked in, climbing over Cole and taking me back to the bed. He laid me down in the middle and turned away. I was sure he had realised I was right and was going to walk away, sick to death of me being such a disaster. I curled into myself, in a foetal position and just cried harder. I’d done it now. I would be alone for the rest of my miserable life and it was my own damn fault.
