The Sun Sister

by Lucinda Riley

  ‘You are reliving it, Electra, and then you’re going to let it go. Because guess what? You got out. And no one is ever going to put you back in there again.’

  ‘Too right they’re not,’ I said. ‘Ever.’

  ‘And what did this girl, Sylvie, say to you when she let you out?’

  ‘That I didn’t belong, that I was a bragger, and that none of them wanted anything more to do with me. And if I snitched, they’d punish me again. So I didn’t. Say anything, that is.’

  ‘Not even to your sisters?’

  ‘They’d seen me happy – I’d spent weeks going around with those girls. They would have just thought it was another story I’d made up because I’d fallen out with them.’

  ‘I don’t know your sisters, but from what you’ve said – about Tiggy in particular – I’m not sure that’s the case.’

  ‘I’d told lies before, Fi. Lots of them to get me out of trouble at home.’

  ‘So what did you do?’

  ‘I ran away. I had my pocket money – that got me into the city – then I called Christian, our driver, and asked him to come and get me.’

  ‘And what did Ma and your father say to you when you arrived home?’

  ‘They were confused, of course they were, because up to that point, I’d told them that I was happy at the school. So they made me go back.’

  ‘I see. And what happened then?’

  ‘Oh, you know how it goes. More stuff. Like finding ink all over my school shirts – the teachers were very fussy about personal tidiness – no laces in my gym shoes, spiders and other creepy crawlies in my desk . . . Juvenile stuff, I guess, but it was anything to either get me into trouble or scare me witless.’

  ‘In other words, classic bullying.’

  ‘Yup. So I ran away again, and then when I got sent back, I decided the only way to get out of the place was to make sure I was expelled. Then I went to another school, and yeah, I guess I became the bully so the girls wouldn’t bully me. No one was gonna mess with me, y’know? But I got expelled again for the bad stuff I did, on top of flunking my exams. So I went off to Paris, got a job as a waitress, and within a few weeks was spotted by a modelling agent. The rest is history,’ I shrugged.

  I watched Fi busy scribbling – she had more to write today than she’d had in all of the last three weeks put together. She looked up at me and smiled.

  ‘Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, Electra. I knew there was something you needed to get out, and it’s brave of you to do it. How do you feel?’

  ‘If you’ll pardon my French, I have no fucking idea right now.’

  ‘No, of course you don’t. But you’re a bright woman and you know without any prompting from me that this is where a lot of your trust issues have come from. Being offered the hand of friendship and then seeing that friendship so cruelly abused . . . Anyway, that’s beyond enough for today. You’ve done so well,’ she said as I stood up. ‘Just out of interest, what was it that finally encouraged you to tell me?’

  ‘It was a conversation with someone in here. See you tomorrow.’

  After I’d walked round the Worry Maze a few times to calm down, I headed back inside to use the bathroom. I saw Vanessa was back in our dorm, looking healthier than she had last time.

  ‘Hi, how are you feeling?’ I asked her.

  ‘Like shit,’ she replied. ‘They sent me out too soon. These putas, they don’t know what they’re doing. Don’t trust ’em, will you?’

  Given the conversation I’d just had, I decided it was probably best if I didn’t hang out with Vanessa right now.

  ‘I’m off to equine therapy. See you later.’

  It was good to smell the horses’ clean and natural scent after the stink of the poisonous memories that had just poured out of me. Now that I thought about it, one of my ‘great escapes’, as Ally had called them, had been made on horseback. I’d taken one of the horses from the school stables, ridden to the nearby farm, then explained to the farmer where the horse needed to be returned to. Then I’d walked – or, in fact, run – the five miles into Zurich before boarding the train for Geneva.

  Hank wandered over to me with a carrot to signal my allotted time was at an end.

  ‘Is it seriously impossible to take a ride sometime?’ I asked him. ‘I could sure do with a gallop.’

  ‘Not with me while you’re in here, ma’am. As I said, it’s against the rules. But there’s a neighbour of mine who has a ranch out here. Have a word with them at reception, say you’re an experienced horsewoman and that it’s good for your mental health,’ he winked at me.

  ‘Thanks, I will.’ I walked away from the stables, now on a mission.

  After a lot of wrangling, it turned out the issue was more to do with insurance than anything else; I’d have to officially leave the clinic for the time I was at the stables in case I fell off and broke my neck, then check in again on my return. Litigation in the States really was something else, I thought as I went to lunch, feeling exhausted from the stress of the morning. I sat down with Lizzie, scanning the canteen nervously for Miles, because I wasn’t up for any kind of conversation with him right now.

  ‘Hello, Electra,’ said Lizzie. ‘You look tense. What’s up?’

  ‘Oh, nothing. In fact, everything’s gonna be good. You?’

  ‘Not so good actually,’ Lizzie sighed as she toyed with a cherry tomato.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I just saw Fi and’ – Lizzie swallowed hard as tears came to her eyes – ‘she says it’s time for me to leave. We’ve discussed how my overeating habit stems from trying to compensate for things I feel are missing in my life, but she thinks that I need to get back into the real world.’

  ‘Okay. Isn’t that good news?’

  ‘Not really, no. I mean, like you and everyone else in here, I’ll be okay for a few weeks, then something will happen and I’ll be in back in my local bakery, bulk-buying doughnuts and double-chocolate-chip muffins for my binges.’

  ‘Oh Lizzie, it’s not like you to be negative,’ I soothed her. ‘Surely you’re looking forward to showing Chris how amazing you look?’

  ‘Electra,’ she said quietly, ‘we both know I don’t. I’ve botched my face with all the surgery I’ve had – I look like a horror show! Why did I do it? All for him! And where is he now? Probably in bed with one of his little whores!’

  Lizzie was shouting now and the room had gone quiet around us. Clattering her fork onto the plate, she stood up and ran out of the canteen.

  I sat there in a quandary, at a loss as to whether I should go after her or whether she wanted to be alone. After a few seconds, I decided I should do the former; it would show her I cared, even if she sent me away. I tried our dorm first, but only saw Vanessa slouched on her bed with her headphones in, so then I set off at a run around the gardens, knowing that Lizzie’s propensity for stilettoes would mean she couldn’t have got far. I eventually found her in a hidden corner of the Serenity Garden, crying her eyes out behind an enormous cactus.

  ‘Lizzie, it’s me, Electra. Can I sit down?’

  She shrugged and I decided to take that as a yes. I didn’t have a clue what to say – I was only just beginning to learn about comforting others (which was something else that I needed to put on my ever-growing list of things to talk to Fi about). So I just reached for her hand and held it until the sobs turned into hiccups. Her face looked as if it was collapsing as all her carefully applied make-up dribbled downwards with the wetness of her tears. I took off my hoodie and handed her the sleeve to wipe it with.

  ‘Thanks, Electra,’ she sniffed. ‘You’re a lovely person.’

  ‘I don’t think I am, but thanks for saying so.’

  ‘Oh, you are,’ she said as she blew her nose and looked up at me with a small sorrowful smile. ‘I bet I must look a right state, don’t I?’

  ‘A bit,’ I answered honestly, ‘but we all do after we’ve bawled our eyes out.’

  ‘The truth is, I’m just dreading going b
ack to that great empty mausoleum of a house. Cooking Chris’s supper, then getting the phone call at ten to say he’ll be late and I’m not to wait up for him. Then by the time I’m awake in the morning, he’s gone – we have separate bedrooms, you see. I’ve learnt it’s possible to live under the same roof as someone and never see them from one week to the next.’

  None of what she was saying came as a surprise to me.

  ‘Um, Lizzie?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Have you ever thought about, well, divorcing him?’

  ‘Yes, of course I have. And more to the point, he’s thought about divorcing me, but under California law, I get half of everything he has and he’s far too greedy to ever go for that. So I’m trapped in this sham marriage and . . . even though I know about his endless affairs, what hurts the most is the fact he’s ashamed of me, Electra. Ashamed of his own wife! And I still bloody love him!’

  ‘Are you sure? I mean, I’m no expert on anything much, but I did do therapy in New York when a relationship ended. The therapist asked me if I actually liked the guy and I said no, I hated him, but I loved him too. The therapist pointed out that I was in a co-dependent relationship.’

  ‘Oh sweetie, I’ve been through the whole nine yards and more with therapists over the years,’ she sighed. ‘Thousands of dollars and boxes and boxes of tissues. But it still doesn’t stop me loving him, even if they call it something else. Besides, there’s the children. They’d be heartbroken.’

  ‘But your youngest is twenty-three, Lizzie. And they don’t even live at home anymore. Besides, I don’t think any child wants to see their parents unhappy.’

  ‘The two of us put on a show whenever they’re around. We give Oscar-winning performances, playing the happy family to perfection. They’d be so shocked if they knew the truth.’

  ‘Surely your kids must know? I mean, where do they think you’ve been this whole time while you’ve been in here?’

  ‘Oh, they think I’m staying with my best friend Billie who lives near Tucson. I call them every week and lie about what fun the two of us have had. Pathetic, isn’t it?’

  Truthfully, I thought it was a bit – her kids were grown adults, for Chrissake – but obviously that wasn’t the thing to say.

  ‘I guess if you’re a parent, you always want to protect your kids, however old they are,’ I replied, thinking that just maybe I was beginning to learn tact, a quality Pa had once told me was a necessary skill that I didn’t have. I remembered replying to him that being ‘tactful’ just felt like you were lying.

  ‘I do, Electra. They’re the one thing in my life that I’m proud of. Anyway,’ Lizzie gave a big sigh, ‘I shouldn’t be bothering you with all this stuff. You’ve got enough on your plate.’

  ‘Hey, you’re my friend, Lizzie. And friends help each other out, don’t they?’

  ‘Yes, they do. And I don’t have many of them, to be honest. Certainly none that I can trust.’

  ‘Me neither,’ I agreed.

  ‘I’d be proud if I could call you my friend,’ Lizzie reached out her hand to me and I took it.

  ‘Me too.’

  For the second time that day, a great lump came to my throat. I wasn’t a big crier – never had been – but I felt distinctly moved. We stood up and walked back to The Ranch together. As we did so, I saw Hank in the distance, heading in the direction of the stables.

  ‘Hey, Lizzie, do you ride?’ I said suddenly.

  ‘I do indeed! I’ll have you know I was Pony Club champion of my county when I was thirteen.’

  ‘So when do you get out of here?’

  ‘On Saturday.’

  ‘Then how about I book both of us a ride across the desert before you go back to California?’

  ‘You know what?’ Lizzie’s face lit up. ‘There is nothing I would enjoy more.’

  Having slept the sleep of the dead, exhausted from all the emotional processing of the day before, I woke at dawn next day to find Lizzie sitting on her bed in her robe, drinking a cup of coffee.

  ‘Morning,’ I said sleepily. ‘You’re up early.’

  ‘Yes, I can’t believe you managed to sleep through it with our dorm mate’ – she indicated Vanessa, snoring gently – ‘having nightmares. Every time I dropped off, she’d wake me up with her shouting. I gave up in the end and got up. She’s sleeping peacefully now, though. Poor little thing. She’s obviously very traumatised.’

  ‘I didn’t hear a thing,’ I said as I stripped off and put on my vest, shorts and sneakers. ‘I’m going for my run. I’ll see you at prayers.’

  I jogged out of The Ranch, eager to arrive at the track before Miles and get my three circuits in. As I set off, I felt irritated that he was affecting the serenity of my morning runs. I was by the water cooler drinking a cup when he appeared at the start of the trail.

  ‘Morning, Electra,’ he said as I started to walk back towards The Ranch.

  ‘Morning.’

  ‘Listen,’ he said, changing direction and walking beside me, ‘are you avoiding me?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘I told you I was sorry yesterday. Do I need to apologise again?’

  ‘No, no . . .’ I stopped and turned to face him. ‘As a matter of fact, I should thank you.’

  ‘Thank me?’

  ‘Yeah, it was partly due to you that I got some stuff out that I needed to.’

  ‘Oh, okay. Then we’re cool?’

  ‘Yeah, we’re cool.’

  ‘Then why are you avoiding me?’

  ‘I . . . I’m still working some stuff out.’

  ‘Right. And you don’t want me to say anything more that could complicate it?’

  ‘Yeah, sort of.’

  ‘Then I’ll back off.’

  I watched him turn away from me towards the trail and swore under my breath. That had to be one of the most uncomfortable exchanges I’d ever had, and I had no idea why I felt so awkward around him.

  After breakfast and prayers, I trotted off to see Fi.

  ‘Good morning, Electra. How are you feeling today?’

  ‘Lighter,’ I replied. Because it was true.

  ‘That’s great news. Want to talk about it some more?’

  ‘I . . . I’m confused.’

  ‘What about?’

  ‘I just met someone in here and he’s black and he talked to me the other night about prejudice. And I think that those girls might have been mean to me because I am. Black, that is.’

  ‘And you’d never thought that before?’

  ‘No, I honestly hadn’t. Call me naive, but I’m just me: Electra the supermodel.’

  ‘Exactly. Do you think that who you are is in any way defined by your racial origins?’

  ‘No, but when I was running this morning, I was thinking that some human beings define others by the colour of their skin.’ I looked up at her. ‘Do you think they do?’

  ‘Off the record, of course they do. We’re tribal animals, culturally. The more enlightened can move on, but . . .’

  ‘Many can’t,’ I sighed. ‘But I’ve hardly suffered, have I? My face and body have been my fortune, not my downfall.’

  ‘But, Electra, surely you can see that you have suffered?’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Because of what happened to you at school. Whatever the reason for it – and it’s almost certainly a mixture of things – that event has shaped the course of your life ever since. Can you see how it has?’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose I can. It made me stop trusting people and . . .’

  ‘Go on,’ Fi encouraged me.

  ‘So I suppose, if you lose your trust in human nature, it makes you feel alone. I’ve felt alone ever since. Yup,’ I nodded as I thought about it some more. ‘I have.’

  ‘We talked about no man or woman being an island a couple of days ago, didn’t we? And that is where you were, on your island. How do you feel now?’

  ‘Better,’ I shrugged, ‘less alone. I’ve made . . . well, I think I’ve made a friend in one of t
he women here. A real friend.’

  ‘That’s great news, Electra. And do you feel comfortable with her joining you on your island?’ Fi smiled.

  ‘Yeah, if you put it like that, I do,’ I said, thinking of Lizzie reaching out her hand to me yesterday. ‘You know, I’m also angry about the fact that I let those girls stop me getting my school qualifications. I could have made Pa proud.’

  ‘Do you not think he was proud of you for what you achieved as a model?’

  ‘He said he was, but I just got lucky; I was born with this face and body. It doesn’t take brains to appear in an ad campaign, does it?’

  ‘I’ve had a number of well-known models sit right where you’re sitting and many of them have said exactly the same as you. Yet from the little I know about it, it sounds like a gruelling job, with the added complication of fame and money at a very young age. You’ve mentioned the fact that you feel you let your father down on a number of occasions. Is that because you feel on some level ashamed of what you do?’

  ‘Maybe. I hate the thought of anyone – especially Pa – thinking I’m dumb. I was doing well at my studies before I moved to boarding school and the . . . thing happened. And now I can’t tell Pa why everything changed, because he’s dead.’

  ‘Are you angry about that?’

  ‘You mean am I angry that he’s dead? Yup, I guess I am. We didn’t get along so well in the past few years, to be honest. I didn’t go home so much.’

  ‘You were avoiding him?’

  ‘Yeah, I was. And then the last time I saw him was in New York. I was . . . well, out of it. I can’t remember much, apart from the look on his face as we said goodbye. It was like’ – I gulped – ‘pure disappointment. And a few weeks later, he was dead.’

  ‘You told me he died last summer. Which was also the time when your substance and alcohol abuse became more frequent. Do you think these two are linked?’

  ‘For sure. I didn’t want to feel sad that he’d gone – anger felt better. But’ – I gave a sudden choke as I felt the lump in my throat again – ‘I miss him, I miss him so much. Oh shit!’ It was tissue-ville again, big time. ‘He was like my person, you know? Like, the one human being that I really did feel loved me, and even if we fell out, he was always there and . . . now he’s not, and there’s a big hole and I can never tell him I love him, or that I’m here, getting treatment, and . . .’