Death on Credit

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “My Lord! Well, kid! Say, that’s rough!…” He was flabbergasted!… “Say, that’s unbelievable… Say, it’s no wonder you’re skinny as a rail!… Say, you’ve been through the mill!… Hell!… That’ll teach you! You see, kid!… That’s how it is in the country… If you come from Paris, you’d better stay there!… I’ve often been offered little agencies, garages and stuff in the sticks… It sounds good… Selling bicycles, tyres and so on… Your own master!… Free as the air! That’s the old oil!… They never took me in!… Never, believe you me!… All those country rackets, you got to know what you’re doing!… You’ve got to be born to their sticky ways… You go out there to the woods… as innocent as the day you were born! Imagine!… You’re raring to go… They take you the minute you get off the train!… You’re a sitting duck and no two ways about it!… Everybody fleeces you… The chips are down!… They have the time of their lives! Profits?… Don’t make me laugh!… Not a sou… They screw you all along the line!… How are you going to stop them?… You’re lost before you start… You’ve got to learn their ways with your mother’s milk… Then you’re all right!… Otherwise you’re a sucker from the word go!… How can you expect to succeed?… You don’t learn those things overnight! Artichokes aren’t invented!… You haven’t a chance in ten thousand… And hell, the way you went about it!… With centrifugal farming… That’s a hot one!… You were looking for trouble… Naturally you got screwed!… What would you expect?… But say, kid, are you skinny! It’s incredible!… Do you like tapioca soup?…” He rummaged around the kitchen… It must have been at least nine o’clock… “You’ve got to build yourself up!… Here you’re going to eat! I can promise you that!… You’re going to put it away!… No two ways about it…” He took another look at me… the cut of my jacket made him smile a little… and my combination trousers… with the string seat…

  “You can’t run around in rags!… I’ll go get you a pair of trousers… Wait a second… I’ll find something…” He went to the next room and brought me a whole suit, out of his closet with the sliding door… in perfect condition… and a bearskin coat… big and shaggy… “You can wear these for the time being!…” He also gave me a cap with flaps and a suit of flannel underwear… I was all set up!

  “So you’re not hungry?… Not at all?…” I couldn’t have eaten a thing… I felt sick… There was something mean going on inside me… My bowels were all gurgling… No kidding, I was in bad shape!

  “What’s the matter, kid?…” I was beginning to worry him.

  “Nothing!… Nothing at all!…” I was trying to keep hold of myself…

  “Have you caught cold?… Say, you must have the flu!”

  “Oh no… I don’t think so…” I said… “But if you feel like it, Uncle, when you’re through eating… maybe we could take a little walk?…”

  “You think that would make you feel better?…”

  “Oh yes, Uncle!… Yes, I think so!…”

  “Do you feel nauseous?…”

  “Yes, just a little, Uncle!…”

  “Say, that’s a good idea!… Let’s go right away!… I’ll eat later!… I’m a little like your mother, you know… subito, presto, don’t put things off!” He didn’t finish his supper… We strolled, very slowly, to the café on the corner… He sat us down on the terrace and ordered mint tea for me… He talked about one thing and another… I asked him for news… Had he seen my parents?…

  “As I was leaving for Belgium… that was two months ago yesterday!… I dropped in at the Passage… I haven’t seen them since!… They were really racking their brains over your letters! They studied them word for word… They couldn’t figure out what had become of you… Your mother wanted to go see right away… I dissuaded her… I told her I had news… I said you were getting along fine… but you didn’t have a minute to spare on account of the sowing!… Anyway a lot of blarney!… She postponed her trip!… Your father was still sick… He was absent from the office several days in succession this winter… They were both afraid that this time would be it… that Lempreinte and the other guy wouldn’t wait… that they’d fire him… But in the end they took him back… But they docked him in full for the time of his absence!… Imagine! For illness!… A company with a capital of a hundred million! With real estate all over the place! Isn’t it disgraceful?… Isn’t it disgusting?… Well, that’s the whole trouble… The bigger they are, the more they want… They’re insatiable… They’ve never got enough!… All that dough only makes them crummier!… Companies are horrible!… I see it in my own little business… They’re bloodsuckers the whole lot of them!… They’re wild beasts, vampires!… It’s hard to imagine!… But it’s true… That’s how people get rich… it’s the only way!”

  “Yes, Uncle!…”

  “Anybody that gets sick on the job can go to hell!…”

  “Yes, Uncle!…”

  “It’s the final shindig, son, those are the things you’ve got to find out!… And the sooner the better! Watch out for millionaires!… And say, I forgot to tell you… There’s something new… about their ailments… Your father refuses to see a doctor any more!… Not even Capron, who wasn’t bad! And really not dishonest… He didn’t force his calls on you… Your mother too… she won’t have him… She just doctors herself… And I assure you she limps… I don’t know how she manages… Plasters and poultices the whole time!… With mustard, without mustard! Hot! Cold! Hot! Cold!… And she never stops working!… And she runs herself ragged!… She’s got to go looking for customers!… She’s found some new ones for the new Embroidery House… Bulgarian lace they sell… Good God!… Your father of course doesn’t know anything about it… Her territory is the whole Right Bank… That’s a lot of mileage… If you could see her face when she comes home from those treks!… Ah, you wouldn’t believe it!… I’d have taken her for a corpse… She really frightened me the other day!… I saw her in the street… She was coming home with her boxes… At least twenty kilos, I’ll bet! Twenty kilos, do you hear?… Holding it all up… That crap is heavy!… She didn’t even see me!… Exhaustion will be the death of her… You won’t last long either if you’re not more careful! Take it from me! In the first place you eat too fast… Your parents were always telling you that… They were right for once…”

  All that was perfectly possible… But it didn’t matter… anyway not very much… I didn’t want to contradict him… I didn’t want to start an argument… What troubled me while he was talking… was that I wasn’t even listening very well… That was on account of my bellyache… My guts were all twisted… He went on talking…

  “What are you going to do now?… Have you got something in mind?… After you’ve put a little flesh on your bones?…” He was kind of worried about my future too…

  “What I’m saying, son, isn’t to hurry you!… Not at all!… Take your time before you start applying! Get your bearings!… Don’t go for any old thing!… You’ll only be making trouble for yourself!… Naturally you’ve got to go looking, but easy does it… Watch your step… A job is like food… It’s got to be the right kind… Think it over! Use your judgement! Ask me! Feel around!… Look in all directions… And don’t make up your mind until you’re sure!… Then you’ll tell me… There’s no fire… Not yet… Don’t take any damn thing… just to please me… No little two-week jobs!… Nothing doing!… You’re not a kid any more… No more mad schemes… You’ll get hurt in the end!… You’ll get a bad reputation.”

  We started back towards his place… We walked round the Luxembourg… He talked some more about jobs… It was on his mind, kind of, trying to figure how I was going to make out… Maybe in the bottom of his kind heart he was wondering if I’d ever get over my disastrous instincts… my jailbird tendencies… I let him bubble a while… I didn’t know what to say… I didn’t answer right away… I was really too tired and I had a rotten ache in the temples… I was only listening with half an ear… When we go
t to the Boulevard Raspail, I couldn’t even walk straight… I was looping all over the pavement… He noticed… We stopped again… I was thinking of something entirely different… I was resting… Uncle Édouard was driving me crazy with his prospects… I looked up in the sky again… “Say, Uncle Édouard, do you know the Veils of Venus… and the Hive of Shooting Stars?…” They were just coming out of the clouds… all that stardust… “And Amarine… and Proliserpe?…” I’d spotted them one right after the other, the white one and the pink one… “Wouldn’t you like me to show you?…” Uncle Édouard had known his constellations in the old days… At one time he’d even known the whole Great Boreal Zenith… from the Triangle to Sagittarius, almost by heart!… He’d known his whole Flammarion… and his Pereires too, naturally!… But he’d forgotten it all… He didn’t remember a single one… He couldn’t even find Libra!

  “Ah, my poor boy, I’ve lost my eyesight!… I’ll take your word for it! You look at them for me!… I can’t even read my paper any more! I’m getting so short-sighted these days I wouldn’t know a star if it was a metre away! I wouldn’t see the sky if I was right in the middle of it! I’d mistake the sun for the moon!… Believe me!” He was kidding…

  “Oh, that doesn’t matter,” he went on… “But you’re mighty smart, it seems to me! You’re sharp as a razor! Say, you’re really getting ahead!… That’s something! You didn’t eat much out there!… But you sucked up knowledge!… You’re as brainy as they come!… You really crammed that big noodle of yours, didn’t you, kid?… Say, you’re full of science, no fooling!… No doubt about it!…” That gave him a laugh… We talked some more about Courtial… He wanted to hear about the end… He asked me a few questions. Christ! I couldn’t stand hearing him talk about it!… It threw me into a tizzy… I panicked almost like the day before… I couldn’t stop bawling!… Shit!… That looked lousy!… It shook my bones… And I was pretty tough!… It must have been the terrible tiredness…

  “Come, what’s the matter, my poor old-timer?… You’re all broken up! Come now, don’t take it so hard!… All that stuff about a job was just to be saying something… I wasn’t serious! Why should you be? You wouldn’t let that kind of hogwash throw you!… You know me well enough!… Don’t you trust your uncle?… I wasn’t saying that to get rid of you!… Come along, you big sap, don’t you understand?… Stop that blubbering and make it quick! You look like a little girl!… OK, kid, you going to stop?… A man doesn’t cry!… You can stay as long as you please!… There, that’s better!… First you’re going to get your strength back… I want to see you stuffed! Puffed! Bloated! Nobody’d take you like this, I hope you realize! You wouldn’t get anywhere!… They’re not looking for featherweights! They want big bruisers! You’ll give it to them in the kisser… Boom!… And down they go!… Right, left… Bam!… Waiter! Yes sir? Bring us an order of biceps!…” He comforted me as best he could, but I couldn’t stop the flow. I was gushing like a fountain…

  “I want to go away, Uncle… I want to go away!… Far away!…”

  “What do you mean go away?… Where?… China?… What do you mean far?…”

  “I don’t know, Uncle!… I don’t know!…” It was pouring out worse and worse… I stood up… I was suffocating!… But when I was up, I started reeling… He had to prop me up… When we got back to his place, he really didn’t know what to do or say!…

  “Well, kid!… My oh my!… Let’s forget about all that!… Let’s suppose I haven’t said a word!… It’s not your fault, poor kid! Come now! You had nothing to do with it!… You know what Courtial was like!… An extraordinary man!… A magnificent scientist!… I wouldn’t deny that for a minute!… I was always the first to say so… And I think he had a good heart!… But he was an adventurer!… Extremely bright, that’s a fact!… Extremely capable and what have you!… He suffered a thousand injustices!… Good, I’ll subscribe to that too!… But that wasn’t the first time he went walking on precipices!… Ah, he was a glutton for risks!… He was always on the brink of catastrophe!… People who play the races in the first place… it’s because they like to get it in the neck!… They can’t change!… And you can’t stop them… They can’t help heading for disaster!… Well, there you have it: they like to take chances!… All the same I feel very bad about it! Believe me, it touches me a good deal!… I admired him… I even felt sincere friendship!… He was a unique mind!… Ah, I know all that! He was a man of worth!… I seem to be dumb, but I understand… Just because he’s dead there’s no reason you should forget about everything else and waste away!… Christ almighty! It won’t do!… Do you think you can make your living in the state you’re in?… You don’t ruin your health at your age because you’ve run into some trouble!… You’re not going to brood over it the rest of your life!… It’s not your last calamity!… You’ll see plenty more!… Leave the wailing to the dames, it don’t stop their bladders!… They get a kick out of it!… But you’re a man and you’re an up-and-comer!… Aren’t you an up-and-comer, sonny boy?… You wouldn’t want to drown in your waterworks?… Haha!… Suppose it fell in your soup?… Say, wouldn’t that be a scream?…” He gave me a couple of gentle pokes… He tried to make me laugh!…

  “Say, will you look at that weeping willow!… That’s how he comes back from the country!… Frazzled!… Washed out!… Flattened!… Come along, puppy boy!… Brace up!… I won’t say another word about your going away!… You’ll stay with me!… You won’t take a job anywhere!… It’s settled! It’s a deal!… There, do you feel better now?… You’ll never have to look for a job again!… Say, why not?… I’ll take you on in my garage!… Maybe it’s not the best thing in the world to be apprenticed to your uncle… But hell, what can we do?… Health comes first! Who cares what people think?… The rest will take care of itself! Health, that’s the ticket!… I’ll train you, OK, little pal? First I want you to put on some weight!… Oh, I know, it kills you to go looking for jobs… I could see that when you were back home… It doesn’t come easy to you, you haven’t the temperament… If that’s what gives you the willies, nobody’s going to force you!… You’ll stay with me the whole time… You won’t ring any more doorbells… You wouldn’t be a good salesman… Hell no! What more can I say?… You don’t like applying for jobs?… Fine! That’s what gets you down?… OK!”

  “No, Uncle, it’s not exactly that!… I want to go away…”

  “Go away! Go away! Where to?… That’s eating you, isn’t it, buddy?… I don’t get it!… You want to go back to the sticks?… You want to grow carrots?”

  “Oh no, Uncle, not that!… I’d like to enlist…”

  “Where’d you get that idea all of a sudden?… Say, that’s a corker!… Enlist?… Where?… Why?… There’s plenty of time for that, son!… You’ll go with your age group! What’s the hurry?… The military vocation, is that it?… Say, that’s a good one!” He scrutinized me… He found me very odd… He examined me carefully…

  “That’s just a fad, bunny boy… Like wanting to take a leak!… You get over it the same way!… You want to turn out like Courtial? You want to be a crank?… What about your parents?… Have you thought of that?… The squawk they’ll let out! My oh my, some serenade that will be! I’ll never hear the last of it! They’ll say it’s all my fault!… Take it easy!… They’ll say I put funny ideas in your head!… That you’re as mad as your boss!…”

  He wasn’t one bit happy about it… I wanted to confess everything!… Right then and there… anything at all!… It didn’t matter what!…

  “But Uncle, I don’t know how to do anything… I’m no good… I’m not sensible…”

  “Who says you’re no good, you big dope?… I know you in and out… You’re perfectly sensible!”

  I couldn’t stop bawling…

  “No, Uncle, I’m a fraud!…”

  “Not at all! Not at all, angel child!… You’re a little sap, that’s all! I tell you you’re OK!… You haven’t a dece
itful hair on your head! You’re just an all-round sucker!… The old scoundrel took you in! Can’t you see that, little bunny? That’s what you can’t stomach?… He put one over on you!”

  “No! No!…” I was frantic… I didn’t want to hear any explanations. I begged him to listen to me… “I only made everybody unhappy!” I told him over and over again… Oof! And then I was sick to my stomach!… And then I talked some more… I’d always made everybody unhappy!… That was my awful certainty!…

  “You’ve really thought it over?…”

  “Yes, Uncle!… Yes, honest… I’ve thought it over!… I want to go away!… Tomorrow… please… tomorrow…”

  “Come, come! The house isn’t on fire!… I won’t have it!… Rest up awhile!… You can’t go away just like that!… On the spur of the moment!… You won’t be signing up for one day!… It’s for three years, friend!… A thousand and eighty-five days… not to mention the time you have to make up!…”

  “Yes, Uncle…”

  “Come, you’re not a bad boy!… Nobody’s trying to get rid of you!… Nobody’s accusing you of anything!… You’re not so badly off here, are you?… I’ve never mistreated you, have I?…”

  “No, it’s me, Uncle… I’m bad… I’m no good… You don’t realize, Uncle!… You just don’t realize!…”

  “Here we go again! Why, you’re nuts working yourself up like that, you poor little devil!… You’re going to make yourself really sick…”