Rough Sleepers

by Nem Rowan

  "Gonna go look for Mecky. Ideally, I'd like to start cooking dinner before it becomes supper," I replied, and she nodded, her eyes half-closed as she watched me go to the door.

  Even before I reached the bottom of the stairs, I knew the ground floor was empty. The stockroom was in complete darkness and the shutters of the shop were down. I rubbed the centre of my forehead, not wanting a wrinkle to form where my brows met in the middle whilst consciously telling myself not to scowl. I climbed the steps back up to the landing and turned the corner to go up to the loft, placing my footfalls softly so that my ears could pick up on any movements in the building. I knew they had to be upstairs, and as I slowly made my way up to the short hallway above, I realised I could hear voices close by.

  What the fuck is going on? I thought to myself as I carefully crept towards the door to the loft, which had been left slightly ajar. My body flinched slightly when I heard a muffled whisper. That sounded like Mecky. Swallowing deep, I pressed close to the wall and edged nearer, my eyes squinting to peer through the narrow crack between the door and the door frame. I could see that the lamp was on, filling the low-ceilinged room with its yellow illumination, cascading over the end of the bed and part of one of the windows. Ceri's boots were on the floor, a small puddle forming around them from the ice he had brought in on their soles. I tilted my head back, getting a better view of the other side of the room, although I had to angle my head quite awkwardly to manage it without knocking my forehead against the door. Aware that my frown was starting to make my temples ache, I tried to relax my facial muscles, but it did nothing to ease my confusion.

  There wasn't much to see, so I slowly switched sides, leaning close to the opposite wall. This position gave me a much better view, but I risked being spotted. Mecky was sitting on the edge of the desk, and the dark shape of Ceri was before her, his hands on the desk either side of her legs as he bent slightly to her eye level. His untidy mop of hair completely blocked Mecky's eyes, so I wasn't sure if they might have seen me. Were they kissing? No, surely not. But they were standing quite close together.

  "We've come this far together. You know I'm yere for you, I'll always be yere for you," Ceri whispered to her, keeping his voice in a low undertone. I couldn't see either of their faces so I wasn't entirely sure what the situation was, but I knew something was up. Mecky murmured something I couldn't make out, and then Ceri's hands left the desk. She reached for him like a child urging her parent to pick her up, enclosing his neck in her arms as he moved closer to embrace her tightly. I thought I heard Mecky whimper. It sounded as though she might be crying.

  "Please don't leave me," she eventually mumbled into the shoulder of his brown wool jumper.

  "I'm not leaving you. Don't be silly."

  "Promise you are not leaving," she urged between wet sniffles.

  "I promise I'm not gonna leave. I wouldn't even leave you for him. You know I care about you," he replied with slight humour in his voice as he began to rock her from side to side. After awhile, they leaned apart slightly, and I caught a brief glance of Mecky's reddened face. Her eyes were glistening with tears.

  "Come on, I don't like seeing you like this," Ceri spoke to her encouragingly. "Where's the cheerful Mecky I know and love?"

  She managed a timid chuckle and sighed, sniffing deeply through her nose before she looked up at him again. "She is here."

  "I know. What did you say to me before? We have to look forward, not back?"

  Mecky nodded slowly as they stared into each others' eyes, but then she did something that totally shocked me. Suddenly, she leaned her head forward and planted her mouth on his, catching him swiftly in a breathless kiss. Damn. I covered my mouth to stop myself from gasping.

  Oh my god. They are a couple. Oh god, what have I done.

  My fingernails began to pinch into my skin as I turned away sharply, shuffling quickly towards the stairs and beginning to descend. I couldn't believe what I had just seen, what I had just heard! And the him Ceri referred to? Was that me? A flashback in my mind of when Ceri had kissed me earlier that day made me feel disoriented and embittered; just when you thought you knew someone, you find out something about them that totally changes your perception.

  I was a fool. I didn't know Ceri at all.

  Fourteen

  "Did you find Mecky?" Christine's hesitant voice questioned behind me.

  "Nope," I replied simply, blowing a lungful of cigarette smoke out through my teeth and watching it drift away into the air.

  "Are you alright? You seem a bit... I dunno," she pressed, joining me by the back door and leaning against the steel frame beside me. Her hot breath puffed out in long bursts as she tried to stay warm in the freezing temperature by clutching her hands together under her chin.

  "I'm fine, sweetie," I responded flatly.

  "Is it because you're hungry?" she tilted her head, her loose bun flopping to one side slightly.

  "Nah, I don't feel so hungry anymore." I took a deep drag on my cigarette before sighing, the smoke bursting from my nostrils in two flickering plumes.

  Christine eyed me for a moment, sensing that something wasn't right, but then she folded her arms and shuddered. "I'm going back upstairs. It's well cold down here."

  "All right. I'll be up in a minute." I hummed, listening to her feet climbing the steps behind me.

  I was being an idiot for two reasons this time. An idiot for thinking Ceri was different to any of the other men I had ever allowed close, and an idiot for allowing him to get close to me in the first place. I had been stabbed in the back by men more times than I could count on my fingers... Granted, I only had five fingers left, but even before then, I had never had any luck with boyfriends; they always wanted to change me. At first the drag costumes and effeminate behaviour were a novelty, but eventually they got fed up and wanted me to man up. I needed a good man I could trust, who would like me for who I was.

  Men like that were out there, of course they were, but where was the one for me? Not a man who just wanted a one-night stand. Bragging rights to say they'd bedded a tranny, or whatever derogatory words they could use to describe me, and others like me. Where were all the nice guys? The ones who didn't want me to stop being a drag queen, or the ones who didn't want me to transition to become a woman? Was it because I had two genders? What was wrong with me?

  I stubbed the cigarette out on the door frame and threw it in an empty plant pot by the door where many of Ceri's dog-ends had met their icy grave. The paper crinkled as I took it from my pocket and unfolded it, looking over the tatty leaflet one more time. The girls that had been my friends, but ultimately had become my meal. The leaflet, and what I had witnessed in the loft, fully served to remind me that I was completely and utterly alone in this world. Maybe it would be best if I left this house that wasn't mine, moved north somewhere and tried to start afresh?

  Footsteps coming down the stairs caused me to stuff the leaflet back in my trouser pocket, and when I turned to look over my shoulder, I found Ceri approaching. There was a faint redness to his cheeks, the flush of warmth that follows a kiss. I turned away again, fighting to control my snappy tongue. It wasn't my business who he chose to be with. We weren't a couple.

  "Hey. What are you doing by there?" he greeted me, his voice low, husky. Just hearing it like that took me right back to that moment in Wallace Reed's house. Goosebumps prickled on my skin, but I tried to force them away.

  "I was just having a smoke, what's it to you?" I retorted, deciding it might be a good idea to have another one. It might help to ease the anger flaring up inside of me.

  "Christine said you were upset or something," he commented as he leaned against the wall. He was still wearing that brown jumper.

  "I'm fine." I raised an eyebrow at him as I struggled to take another cigarette from the packet. I cussed under my breath when he moved to help me, taking one out and placing it between my lips. "I can light it myself," I warned as I took the lighter from my pocket.

  "Okay,
was just trying to help you." he seemed baffled by my sudden hostility. I began to get the distinct feeling that he didn't know I had caught them.

  "Yeah well, if I need your help, I'll ask for it." I moved away and gazed out at the black sky above. The clouds had passed, finally, giving me a good view of the hundreds of pinprick stars and the waning moon.

  "Leon, what's the matter?" he persisted cautiously. "I can tell the difference between you being a cheeky bitch and just being, well, a bitch."

  "Oh, can you? What do you want, a fucking 'A For Effort' sticker?" I made eye contact with him, the movement sharp and my eyes staring. He recognised the expression, the threat stare a wolf would make, and if I had had fur it would have been bristling.

  "I thought we had an agreement earlier..." His brows lowered, and his eyes peered at me warily.

  "What? That because you kissed me, I had agreed to be your floozy? Good luck with that, pal." I scoffed before bringing the fresh cigarette to my mouth once more.

  "No, not that. I meant about... I mean us, you know, sharing feelings and things..."

  "Well I'm sharing them pretty fucking well right now, aren't I. You know, why don't you just bugger off for a minute and let me get some privacy, alright? I'm sick of the sight of you," I growled as I stepped out onto the concrete, my trainers sinking into the thin smattering of snow that covered the courtyard. "Go on, fuck off upstairs. Leave me alone."

  There was a moment of silence, and I felt him regarding me, trying to understand why I was behaving this way. I didn't even want to talk to him, let alone utter what I had seen and heard earlier. After coming along the corridor and discovering Travis bonking that slut Chi-Chi, what might have been nothing between Ceri and I had rapidly turned into something quite painful. The worst part was that Mecky probably didn't even know that he had been trying it on with me the whole time; as far as she was aware, he was all hers.

  "Leon, please tell me what's wrong," he urged after regaining his courage once more. His voice was plaintive, filled with concern. "I'm not stupid, I can tell something's bothering you. You wouldn't be by yere all by yourself if there weren't."

  "Just leave me alone." My voice became feeble.

  The snow cracked under his bare feet as he stepped outside, then I felt the warmth of his hands on my shoulders and the heat of his breath against my neck. I was hurt that the man I was starting to like wasn't who I had thought he was, or rather, hoped he was. Hope was a miraculous thing. It was what had kept me going all this time.

  "Hey... I'm not gonna leave you on your own," he whispered to me. I could smell Mecky on him, the strong female scent of another wolf. I felt humiliated that I had been taken along by him. Humiliated that he had made me aroused, made me want to care about him.

  "You would if you knew what was best for ya," I murmured.

  "I don't like seeing you like this. We're a team now, we gotta look out for each other. You've done so much to help us since you came yere; you're a valued member of this family," he continued. His words were delicately offered, tiptoeing, attempting to bring me down to earth again.

  I sucked in more smoke, flicked spent ash to the ground. All I could think of was how cold his bare feet must have been.

  "Are you and Mecky in a relationship?" I asked suddenly.

  "What?" he sounded shocked. I turned my head so that I could see the surprise on his face and knew I had struck him somewhere soft, found a chink in his armour.

  "Well, are you?"

  "What—what are you talking about?" he shook his head, seeming completely thrown by what I had asked him.

  I made a chuckle that sounded more like a grunt, not impressed by how he had reacted. I should have known. Should have seen that one coming.

  "Listen here, buddy. Don't go chasing after my tail if you're involved with her, all right? I don't want to hurt her. She's been so kind to me, taken care of me. I don't want her upset, knowing you've been trying to get your leg over me. If you're together, that's fine. I don't care. It's not like I was in love with you or anything. It was just a kiss, big deal," I spoke to him, keeping my voice hushed in case anyone was listening. "I have no interest in getting into a goddamn love triangle. So I'm breaking this off here and now before anyone gets hurt."

  His eyes connected with mine and I could see that he was struggling to keep up with me.

  "No—Leon, you don't understand..." he began, blinking as if to clear the confusion from his head.

  "Oh, I understand. I do. I know what men like you enjoy doing. I've been around the block with a fair few of you. It's unfortunate I got wise to it, otherwise you might be fucking me already." I blew a cloud of smoke in his face. "Too bad."

  I shifted my shoulders out of his grasp and headed for the back door, leaving him standing on the spot where I had been. His face was bleak, his mouth open as he tried to find the words to bring me back, but by the time he called my name again, I was already halfway up the stairs.

  "Leon, you don't understand," he repeated.

  "Don't fucking talk to me," I snapped, not bothering to turn and see the look on his face.

  Fifteen

  I opted to sleep downstairs that night, choosing the floor over sleeping beside Ceri in what had turned out to be a rather awkward bedding arrangement. He kept eyeing me across the table when we all sat down to have dinner together; Mecky was chipper as if nothing had happened at all, telling us how proud she was of what Christine had cooked for us and urging us to dig in. I tried my best to praise Christine for the stew she had made, and it did smell delicious, but I knew my smile didn't reach my eyes and my kind words left her looking somewhat deflated.

  Although she hadn't been with us long, it had become apparent to me that she had already chosen me as one of her guardians and kept looking to me for reassurance. I was flattered, and I wanted to do right by her. Mecky's cheerful mood kept her from noticing the glances between Ceri and I, and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. She did sense that something odd was going on when it came to bedtime when she discovered me dragging a duvet down the stairs, but I just told her that I wasn't comfortable sleeping next to Ceri and wanted to sleep in the living room with Christine instead.

  It seemed that Ceri had sweetened his rather shaky friendship with Christine over dinner, because I was stunned to discover that she had agreed to go to the library with him the following day. I shouldn't have been, especially not after her mentioning that Ceri wasn't so bad as we settled down in the dark, her on the sofa and me on the ground close by. It frightened me. Was he trying to form a friendship with her just so that he could use her against me? Was he really like that? It had happened to me in the past with previous friends, and it just seemed a bit out of character after how he had behaved towards her so far.

  It took me a long time to fall asleep. I lay there gnawing at my fingernails, my eyes staring into space before me as I imagined Ceri turning Christine away from me, making me out to be a social pariah. Maybe I was just being paranoid; I had encouraged her to get to know him better, after all. Yes, I had told her he wasn't as grumpy as he made himself out to be. I had wanted them to be friends before, so why not now? Because I saw him doing the dirty? I sighed to myself, listening to the rhythmic yet quiet snoring of Christine several feet away as she buried her face in her pillow. It was stupid. I was being overprotective.

  Stupid Leon, I chided myself silently.

  I sat to the kitchen table the following morning, aware of the large, empty space usually occupied by Ceri and Christine while I ate my toast. Mecky was singing under her breath to the radio again. Should I tell her what had happened? I slowly looked round at her out of the corner of my eye, watching her putting the clean cutlery away. No, I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt her. After everything she had been through, she didn't need me stirring with a big wooden spoon. If Ceri didn't bring it up, she could just go on, none the wiser and we could still be friends. I looked down at my half-eaten toast and swallowed a mouthful with a gulp. Just when I had st
arted to feel I belonged here, things had taken a sudden change.

  "Something is wrong?" Mecky distracted me from my thoughts by leaning forward against the back of the chair beside me. She was smiling at me, her eyes large and penetrating as she attempted to read my mind.

  "No, nothing's wrong." I shook my head, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible.

  "Ceri is saying Leon is not happy. I can see it," she said as she deftly lifted a strand of hair from my cheek and tucked it behind my ear.

  I sighed, unable to make eye contact with her. Not just because of my animal instincts, but because looking at her made it unbearably hard to keep my mouth shut.

  "I am thinking, bed is warm, and I am laying in the night, Leon is wearing man clothes all of the time. But Leon is lady, yes?" she began, tilting her head this way and that as if to try and captivate me into imitating her.

  "I'm not a lady," I shook my head with a sad smile.

  "Are you... You know..." she pressed her lips together and rolled her eyes as she tried to think of the right word.

  "Transgendered?" I offered, and she clicked her fingers.

  "Yes. Are you like that?"

  "Well, I don't know. I guess I'm bi-gender. I'm male and female." I stared down at my plate again as I tried to figure out how to answer her question. It was one I had asked myself many times, and yet I had never really been able to find a resolution.

  "You are, you know...needing?" she made an arc with her hands, emphasising where her bosoms were on her chest. "Like with operation?"

  "Huh? Oh—no, I don't think I will. It's confusing." I managed an awkward chuckle under my breath. "Not all trans or genderfluid people have operations or stuff like that. Some of us are happy the way we are."

  "You are happy? Really?" she assumed, and I nodded. "So why am I seeing Leon with this look."

  She made an exaggerated, theatrical crying face, pretending to rub tears with her knuckles. It made me laugh, and she grinned, showing me the two rows of her blunt white teeth.