As he spooned some coffee beans into the grinder, he leaned his hip against the counter, trying to think.
He didn’t want this to end, that was the bottom line. He hadn’t wanted it to end the first time, if he was honest with himself. They’d had something back then, the promise of something amazing. And now, these past two weeks, he’d felt it again. That potential. If only they had time and space in which to explore it…
A loud knock sounded on Judith’s door.
Crap. Probably time to put some pants on.
Going back to the bedroom, he found Judith half out of bed.
“I’ll answer it,” he said, pulling on his tuxedo trousers from the night before.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. You go back to bed and I’ll bring some coffee in a bit.”
She gave him a smile that caused a bittersweet pain in his heart as he went back out into the hallway and down to the front door.
Goddamn he loved that smile of hers.
The knocking came again, harder this time.
“Steady on, mate,” Caleb muttered and jerked the door open.
To find Joseph standing on the other side of it.
Caleb’s stomach dropped into his feet. Oh, shit.
There was a horrible, awkward moment where the two of them just stared at each other. Then Joseph’s gaze slowly made its way down Caleb’s torso, taking in his very bare chest, his tuxedo trousers, and his also very bare feet.
“I assume there’s a good reason why you’re in my sister’s apartment wearing nothing but your trousers?” Joseph asked in a voice that promised a swift and painful death.
Caleb bit back a curse. Because what the hell could he say to that? Other than “busted?”
“Uh, yeah,” he said. “About that.”
Joseph’s eyes drilled into him like a couple of laser beams. “You were fixing a leak and your clothes got wet?”
“No. Not as such.”
“Oh, you went momentarily insane and tore all your clothes off? And Judith took you home and found you some pants?”
Clearly this was not going to go well. “Not that, either.”
“That, my friend, is the wrong answer.”
Caleb sighed. “You’d probably better come in.”
Joseph had already decided that’s what he was going to do, because he shouldered past Caleb and headed down the hallway into the lounge.
Cursing, Caleb followed him, finding his friend pacing near the windows, a thunderous look on his face.
“You’re sleeping with my sister,” Joseph said flatly.
Caleb thrust his hands in his pockets. “Look, before you give me the lecture—”
“The lecture?” Joseph cut him off. “I’ve already given you the bloody lecture, Cal. I gave that to you eight years ago, when you were sniffing around her—”
“Sniffing around? Jesus, mate, I wasn’t sniffing around. I’m not a dog.”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit. I knew you back then and I know you now. You were a girl a week type of guy and I don’t see that anything’s changed.”
His hands clenched into fists. “How do you know?”
Joseph stopped pacing. “Isn’t that what you did to her before?”
A cold hand reached inside him and squeezed. “That was a long time ago. It’s different now.”
“Different?” The look on his friend’s face was almost murderous. “How is it different? Did you even see the paper this morning?”
“What about the paper?”
“Page three. The picture of you and Lisa Vine looking like you’re about to rip each other’s clothes off.”
Oh shit. “Nothing happened with Lisa, okay? It was just—”
“I don’t care what it was, Caleb. If you’re messing around on my little—”
“She’s not little anymore, Joe. She’s freaking twenty-six.”
“I don’t care how old she is, she’s still my bloody sister!” Joseph stalked closer. “I don’t want you seeing her, okay? I don’t want you anywhere near her. And if you touch her again, I’ll kill—” He stopped dead, his gaze going past Caleb to the doorway behind him.
Caleb jerked round to see Judith standing in the doorway, dressed in nothing but the white shirt he’d worn the previous evening. She looked so heartbreakingly beautiful, he almost couldn’t breathe.
“Guys,” Judith said. “The testosterone overload is killing me here.”
“Jude—” Joseph began.
“It’s my choice, Joe,” she interrupted. “You got that? Caleb tried to push me away, but I didn’t want him to. I basically threw myself at him.”
“Jude—” Joseph said again.
“You don’t get to tell me who I see and who I can’t, okay?” She’d crossed the room, much to Joseph’s obvious discomfort, standing there with her hands on her hips, glaring at him. “And I don’t want you coming round here and shouting at him. We know what we’re doing.”
For a long moment Joseph just stared at Judith, then switched his hostile gaze to Caleb. “And what the hell is that?”
It was the one question Caleb didn’t want to answer because he really didn’t know. “Look, mate—”
“We’re having a hot affair,” Judith said before he could finish, lifting her chin. “You really want more details?”
Her brother looked away. “Jesus, no.”
“Well, then. It’s no big deal.”
“It was a pretty big deal eight years ago if I recall. I know you think you hid it well but you didn’t. Believe me, I knew. I saw how hurt you were.”
“Joe, I’d really like it if you left,” Judith said with quiet dignity. “Please. This isn’t the time or the place.”
The silence that filled the room was so full of painful awkwardness it made Caleb’s skin crawl.
“You should read the paper before you make any decisions, Jude,” Joseph said at last.
“Why?”
“Because there’s a picture of me in it with an actress I used to date,” Caleb said before his friend could do any more damage. He looked at Judith. “Nothing happened, okay? I need you know that straight up.”
She’d gone pale, her mouth tight.
Joseph shook his head. “Jude—”
“Get out, Joe.”
Her brother let out a breath. “All right. Fine. I’ll go.” He went toward the doorway then stopped right beside Caleb and looked him in the eye. “I will kill you if you hurt her. And I don’t mean metaphorically.”
“Yeah,” he replied. “I know.”
“Good. Oh, and you’ll never be good enough for her.”
A small kernel of ice settled down into his heart. “I know that, too.”
A long second passed as they stared at each other, then Joseph turned away, stalking off down the hallway. Judith shot Caleb a glance, then ran after her brother.
Caleb walked down one end of the room, staring unseeing at the landscape photographs on the wall.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
We know what we’re doing.
And what the hell is that?
The kernel of ice began to grow like a snowball rolling down a hill, picking up layer after layer of new snow, becoming larger and larger as it gathered momentum.
No, they didn’t know what they were doing, not him and not Judith. Oh, she might think of it as merely a hot affair but that’s not what the look in her eyes had told him this morning. The same look she’d given him all those years ago.
He turned abruptly, crossing over to the coffee table where he’d chucked the morning paper. Flicked it open to the gossip pages. And sure enough, a massive photo of him and Lisa took up most of the space. The caption screamed ‘Abs of Steele gets freak on with ex, Lisa Vine!’ The way the picture was taken made it look like they were standing even closer than they had been, Lisa’s hand on his arm possessive. The look on her face was hungry, the look on his…longing. Though it hadn’t been Lisa he’d been longing for. It had been Judith.
Jesus
Christ. She shouldn’t have to see that. Shouldn’t have to deal with that. If he’d listened to what his gut had been telling him this whole time, to keep his distance, not get close, she wouldn’t have to. But he hadn’t listened. And now here was another reminder of everything he was trying to put behind him.
He cursed, low and vicious under his breath.
Shit, what was the point even trying in the first place? Jude needed more than anything he could possibly give her. She needed someone who’d be there for her, stand by her. Who’d never leave her side. Who wouldn’t have compromising photos of them with their ex published in the daily paper at the very least.
Someone he wasn’t. How could he be? He didn’t want to care again. Didn’t want to give everything he was to another person again, to give them the power to hurt him like his father had. To go to the ends of the earth for someone only to have them throw it all back in his face, show him how little he meant.
Which meant his friend was right. He’d wasn’t good enough for Judith and he never would be.
“Cal?” Judith’s voice came from behind him, a hand on his back.
He turned and there she was, so close. “There,” he said bluntly, standing aside so she could see the photo of him and Lisa. “That’s the photo Joe was talking about.”
She glanced down at it. “Oh.”
He’d said the words before, to so many women. Still, this was the first time saying them felt like a knife in his heart. “I think it’s time, Jude. Time to stop seeing each other.”
Slowly she raised her head. Her eyes had gone dark, the color draining from her face and he realized this was going to be even worse than he’d thought. “What? Why? I thought…I thought you told me nothing happened with her.”
“Nothing did. But the real question is do you believe me?”
Her mouth opened then she glanced down at the picture again. “I do believe you.”
“Do you? What about after the third picture? Or the fourth? The tenth? Will you still believe me then?
“There won’t be—”
“You’re wrong, darling,” he said softly. “There will always be pictures like this one. They’re never going to go away. Remember Steve from the Herald? He’ll always be there. My past will always be there. I can’t escape it and if we stay together, neither will you.”
That was the reality they had to face. And it wasn’t a reality he wanted for her.
She looked at him, blue eyes wide in her pale face “That’s why you want us to break up? Because of your past?”
The snowball froze solid, a huge ball of ice in his gut, spreading out, freezing the blood in his veins. He still wanted her, still desired her. Just looking at her wearing his shirt, her legs bare, her hair mussed, made him hard. Made him want to take her to bed and never let her out of it. Made his whole body ache with longing for her.
But he couldn’t—wouldn’t—do that. He’d promised her he wouldn’t hurt her, yet he’d have to break that promise. If only to save her from more pain in the long run.
“Yes.” He had to force the words out. “It won’t work, Jude. You know it won’t.”
A bright flash of pain showed clearly in her eyes then suddenly she turned away. “Yes, okay. Sure. You’re right. Of course you’re right.” Her hands moved to the buttons of the shirt. “In that case isn’t it time you left, too?” She pulled the shirt open and the breath left his lungs as she took it off and dropped it on the floor, leaving her standing there wearing nothing at all.
“What are you doing?” he asked hoarsely, his whole body gathering tight at the sight of her.
Her eyes were like chips of blue glass. “Taking off your clothes, what does it look like? You’re going to need them when you leave.”
Then she turned on her heel and walked out.
…
She was so stupid. The stupidest woman in all the stupid world.
Judith stalked into the bedroom and went straight to the dresser, hauling out a random lot of clothes. She didn’t bother to check what they were. She didn’t bother to see if they were ironed. She didn’t even care if they were clean. What did that matter, when it felt like Caleb had just scooped her heart straight out of her chest with a rusty spoon?
She swallowed as she pulled on her underwear, fighting back the pathetic urge to cry.
Served her right for being dumb enough to fall in love with the guy. For the second time.
God, what idiot had their heart broken once, then went ahead, ignoring all the warnings, and did the same thing again eight years later?
That picture of him with that actress had been a shock, but what had been worse was his calm stating of the facts. That there would always be pictures like that one. Constant reminders of a past that would always be there. The things he’d done, the women he’d been with. Eating away at the fragile trust she’d only just started to give him.
What kind of relationship could survive that? Not theirs, that was for certain.
Judith slammed the drawer shut with a bang.
“Jude, stop.”
She turned. Caleb had come after her, hands thrust in his pockets, looking ridiculously hot with his bare chest and the trousers that sat low on his hips. The tattoo curled over his shoulder and all she could think about was how she’d traced it last night in the shower, loving the feel of his skin beneath hers.
Loving him. And she’d wanted more than anything to say the words. But she’d been too afraid of his reaction. Too unsure. With good, bloody, reason as it turned out.
Well, she wasn’t saying those words now. No way she’d lay her heart on the line like she had all those years ago. No. Freaking. Way. She’d rather scoop it out of her own chest.
“What?” Desperately, she tried to find her usual cool. “If you’re after your shoes, they’re underneath the bed.”
His gaze didn’t even look toward the bed, it stayed firmly on her. “You’re upset.”
“Oh no. I’m fine. I’m bloody marvelous.”
“No, you’re not. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you—”
“You think I’m hurt? I’m not. I’m really okay, Caleb.” She forced herself to smile, knew it looked like a rictus grin but did it anyway.
“Then why are you so angry?”
She tried to laugh and it came out sounding weird. “Why would I be angry? You only pointed out what we both already know. It’s fine.”
His gaze seemed to look straight through her armor, to the raw, angry wound it covered. “I’m sorry, Jude. This is for the best, believe me. Look, even without all the problems with the press, there’s still the fact that I won’t be around as much as I’d like. I’ll be in Australia every second weekend during football season anyway.”
Judith swallowed, blinking again. No tears. No freaking tears! “Yeah, you’re right. I mean, I could come to Australia with you I guess but…”
“There’s your business,” he finished for her. “You’re the talk of the town after this calendar. You can’t drop all of that just to come with me.” Caleb’s hand fell. “You deserve more than trailing after me. More than just fun and laughs and hot sex.”
A dull anger tangled in her chest and she couldn’t keep it inside this time. “Don’t you tell me what I do and don’t deserve, you patronizing bastard. What do you know about it?”
“I know that you deserve someone who’ll never let you down,” he said quietly. “Someone you can lean on when you need to. Someone who’ll be there for you all the time, not just every second weekend.”
Pain gripped her and despite her best efforts, a tear slid down her cheek. “Yeah, perhaps I do. So why can’t that someone be you?”
The expression on his face changed, a flash of something she couldn’t read crossing it, before abruptly shuttered. “Because it can’t.”
Her heart shriveled up inside her chest, every instinct she had warning her not to say anything more, to pretend she hadn’t said anything. But she’d been pretending for so long. Pretending she
’d gotten over her mother leaving. Pretending she’d gotten over Caleb. Pretending that being cool and in charge protected her from hurt.
Well, she was sick of all the pretense. She’d lived the last two weeks without it and she wasn’t going to do it anymore.
“Stop telling me what I want, Caleb,” she said hoarsely. “Like you even know what that is. What I want is you, okay? I’ve always wanted you. And I probably always will.”
He’d gone very, very still, his expression frozen, eyes glittering. “Judith…”
“And now you’re going to tell me I shouldn’t. That you listened to my stupid brother when he told you that you’d never be good enough for me.”
“He wasn’t wrong,” he said roughly.
Judith took another step toward him. “Yes, he bloody well was. I think you’re the most incredible guy I’ve ever met. Doesn’t my opinion count at all?”
“That’s not the problem.” His powerful chest rose fast, hard. “The problem isn’t Joseph.”
“Then what is it? Is it your career again? Or that I’m too young? Or another dumb excuse—”
“The problem is me.”
She stared at him. “What do you mean you?”
“You saw that picture, Jude. I’m not the guy you seem to think I am. Maybe I once was. But I’m not now.”
A lump rose in her throat, her chest so tight she couldn’t breathe. “I don’t care about that picture. That’s not you. You’re the kindest, most generous, most unselfish—”
“Bullshit!” A hot spark flared in his black eyes, a raw anger that almost made her step back from him. “Make no mistake, babycakes. I’m a selfish bastard. I’m a player. I like my money. I like my success. I like my fame. I like sex. And that’s all. Anything else, I don’t give a shit about.”
“No,” she flung back, because it wasn’t true. It just wasn’t true. “You care about a lot of things, Caleb. You care about Joe. And you…you care about me.”
The hot spark in his gaze cooled, became something she’d never seen before. Something hard and cold. “I’m sorry, Jude. The guy you think I am? He doesn’t exist. It’s the fame and the money, honey. It always has been.”
Talking Dirty With the Player Page 17
