Talking Dirty With the Player

by Jackie Ashenden

  “No, she shouldn’t. But she does. So that’s why I’m here. To tell you to stop being such a bloody coward and face up to it.”

  The pressure inside him felt like it couldn’t get any tighter. He stared out over the crowd. “You don’t understand, Joe. I don’t want to care about her. I don’t want to care about anyone.”

  “Yeah, well, sometimes the heart makes its own choices. And it may not be what we want. Sometimes it’s exactly what we need, though.”

  Caleb forced out a laugh. “Christ, you know Mick Jagger called? He wants his song back.”

  For a long moment Joseph didn’t say anything, the only sound in the room the MC followed by the audience laughing. Applause rang out in the old theater, then finally his friend said in a quiet voice, “Laugh about it all you want. But don’t go hurting her because you can’t deal with your own shit, Caleb.” Joseph pushed himself away from the wall. “She’s been there for a lot people in her life. Isn’t it about time someone was there for her?”

  He opened his mouth to tell Joseph he couldn’t be there for her but the words wouldn’t come out. Because all he could think about was her on the rugby field, telling him about her mother. Sharing herself with him. Opening herself up to him in a way he’d never thought she would.

  She’d been brave. She’d put herself out there for him twice now. And both times he’d pushed her away, telling himself it was better for her.

  It wasn’t better for her, though. The only person it was better for was himself. Because Joseph was right: he was a coward.

  Caleb put a hand in his pocket, fingers closing around the fine chain of the necklace he’d kept there like a talisman.

  His heart shuddered in his chest.

  He cared so much about her. He wanted to be there for her, the way she’d been there for him. But caring hurt and he’d had enough of being hurt by those he loved.

  “I don’t know what to do,” he said to Joseph hoarsely. “I don’t know how to make it right.”

  Joseph gave a sigh. “Mate, I have no idea, either. I suspect you’re going to have to grovel big time.”

  Out on the stage, Luke had a thunderous look on his face. The spotlight settled on a table where a blushing Marisa sat, which was weird because Marisa never blushed. Then all thoughts of Marisa vanished from his head as he saw who was sitting next to her.

  Judith.

  She was wearing a dark blue dress made out of some silky-looking fabric. It was strapless and short and seemed to have been painted on. She looked so goddamned sexy it took his breath away.

  Everything inside him went still.

  “There’s just one other thing I want you to know,” Joseph said quietly.

  With an effort, Caleb dragged his gaze away from Judith. “What?”

  “That I’m sorry for the way I interfered eight years ago. If I hadn’t…”

  “If you hadn’t, it still probably wouldn’t have worked. I can barely deal with it now, let alone then.”

  His friend let out a sigh. “I think you could be good for her, Cal. I think you could be what she needs.”

  Caleb was saved from answering at that moment as a furious-looking Luke strode backstage, walking past both Caleb and Joseph without a word.

  “You’re on, mate,” Joseph said quietly.

  Sure enough, the MC had begun to announce the last and most popular auction of the night.

  “Here he is folks,” the MC said smoothly, “the guy we’ve all been waiting for. Mr. Abs of Steele himself. Caleb Steele everyone!”

  And then he was there, on stage with the crowd, the media, the cheers, the applause. Some part of him wanted to start the show, smile the smile, put on the Abs of Steele charm. Yet he didn’t, because all he could see was Judith, her face pale, her eyes dark. Staring at him.

  The MC stood aside as he approached the podium so he could make his speech. His publicist had wanted a speech writer to do it and Mike had certainly agreed with her. But he’d decided to do it himself tonight. He had it all prepared, a little spiel about the charity, a few jokes about the photo shoots, a word of thanks to all the people who’d helped, big props to his friends Joseph and Luke. Major thanks to Judith Ashton for her brilliant photography.

  Yet, now he was here, he couldn’t remember a word of it. Because Judith was all there was.

  She sat at the table, her chin lifted. Defiant and proud. Her face pale and set. Still, he could see the shadows under her eyes. Joseph hadn’t been lying; she looked miserable.

  It made his heart feel full of rusty razor blades, every beat painful.

  Caleb curled his fingers around the necklace in his pocket. He’d give her the world if she asked for it but he knew she wouldn’t. She’d never wanted the world. Or his fame, his money, all the things he’d so carefully accumulated to prove how much of a success he was. To prove that he didn’t care. No, all she’d asked for was him.

  He cleared his throat. “Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but there’s been a change of plan.” His voice sounded weird, all thick and rough.

  Murmuring broke out. He should calm them down, tell some jokes, smile. But he just kept looking at Judith. “The auction is for a date with Caleb Steele. I’m sorry to say that’s not going to happen.” More mutterings. His fingers curled harder around the necklace. “Because Abs of Steele isn’t available anymore.”

  Silence. Deadly, deathly silence.

  He stared out across the shocked crowd, straight into Judith’s wide blue eyes.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I know you have lots of money to give away. And I know this charity needs all that cash. However, Abs of Steele is retiring as of now and he won’t be coming back.”

  No one moved. No one spoke. And Caleb could only see her.

  “A woman I know once told me it wasn’t too late to care and I hope to God she’s right, because that’s what I want to do. I want to make people’s lives better and I can’t do that by being Abs of Steele. I can only do that by being myself.” He tried to take a breath and it came out sounding ragged. “So what I’m offering is a date with me, with plain old Caleb. But before I offer it to the rest of the room, I’d like to offer it first to the woman who showed me that my heart wasn’t as dead or as selfish as I wanted it to be.”

  Gently he took out the necklace from his pocket, held it tight in his fist. “Judith Ashton, I’ve been an idiot and a fool and all kinds of stupid. I pushed you away because I couldn’t face the fact that I was falling in love with you and I was too scared to care.” He looked right into her eyes as if all the people in the room didn’t exist. She stared back, her expression taut with shock.

  “Please don’t let me be too late. If you forgive me for what I said to you, if you think that perhaps you might still want a date with just Caleb, name your price and I’ll pay any amount you care to name for the chance to prove how much I love you.”

  The silence couldn’t have been more complete if the room had been empty.

  Judith’s mouth had opened, her cheeks flushed. Marisa’s chair beside her was now empty but Christie sat on her other side, also staring at him. Christie, though, was grinning like a madwoman.

  Caleb held tight to the necklace and stood back from the microphone.

  He couldn’t tear his eyes from Judith’s. Couldn’t seem to breathe.

  She said nothing, the flush staining her cheekbones deepening into red.

  Please don’t let this be too late.

  He’d said his piece. The next play was hers.

  …

  Judith sat riveted in her seat, staring at the man on the stage. Her heart slammed against her chest, the napkin she’d been twisting in her hands now a crumpled mess.

  Everyone was staring at her but she was barely conscious of it.

  She still couldn’t believe that Caleb had told her he loved her in front of everyone. Bared himself utterly. It was the last thing on earth she’d ever expected him to do and the shock of it rooted her to the spot.

  The silence deepened, l
engthened. Caleb stood on the stage, one hand clenched in a fist staring at her. And she knew she should say something, do something but she couldn’t seem to get her voice to work.

  The MC cleared his throat. “Well, you heard him, ladies and gentlemen.” A small pause. “Miss Ashton? Any reply? A bid for a date with Caleb St—Uh, a bid for a date with just Caleb?”

  She stared straight into his dark eyes and he didn’t look away. Didn’t smile. Just let her see everything. Hope and fear and desire. And something else, something that made her throat close.

  Slowly she rose to her feet, barely conscious of the room holding its collective breath.

  “I don’t want the charity to be out of pocket,” she said in a shaky voice. “This auction was going to earn a lot of money.”

  “How much is the date worth, Jude?” Caleb said. “Tell me and I’ll pay it.”

  “I don’t—”

  “My entire salary for my next endorsement deal. What about that?”

  A gasp went around the room. Because everyone knew just how much money that was. Millions.

  Her heart contracted. “You can’t, Caleb.”

  “I can. You told me it’s never too late to care and you were so right.” Suddenly he moved, jumping down off the stage and coming toward her through the crowds, skirting tables and people with his usual athletic grace. His gaze was fixed on hers and she had the oddest feeling that once he reached her, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

  And you don’t want him to.

  Did she? Did she really?

  Everyone was staring at them as he came to a stop, breathing fast, his eyes glittering. “You’ve never liked the fame or the money or the success. Which leaves me with nothing to offer you but myself. And I want to be that guy, Jude. I want to be the man you told me I was. And I swear that I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Will you let me?”

  His tall, powerful figure began to swim before her eyes and it was only when she blinked that she realized it was because there were tears filling them.

  “Judith,” Christie hissed at her side. “For God’s sake, dude. Take the man. Before some other cow gets in first.”

  She hadn’t thought she’d do this again. Find the strength to say yes. Find the courage to trust. Hadn’t thought she’d even want to. But she’d never thought he’d lay himself open in front of a room full of people. For her.

  So it was easy after all to take that step toward him, to take his face between her hands, feel the warmth of his skin on her palms. “Yes,” she said hoarsely. “I will.”

  She pulled his mouth down on hers. Kissed him the way she’d been missing for the past week. A long, deep kiss.

  The rest of the room erupted into cheers and applause.

  After what seemed like hours, Caleb lifted his head. The expression of grim determination hadn’t left his face. “Come on,” he said, and before she could say anything, he took her hand and began tugging her toward the exit.

  They left, turning into a hallway that led to the lobby. A deserted hallway.

  Then Caleb released her hand, swept her up into his arms, and kissed her hungrily, desperately. And she gave it back to him, all her own hunger and need flooding out.

  A long moment later, he said against her skin, “I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I was so selfish. I was telling myself I didn’t want to care. Trying to convince myself I didn’t.”

  She couldn’t stop touching him, his hair, his jaw, the warm hollow of his throat. “Stupid man. You’re the most caring guy I know.”

  He kissed her hands. “I didn’t want to, Jude. I couldn’t fix Mum’s cancer. Nothing I did got her better. Nothing I did got Dad better, either. And then when he told me he didn’t want me around, I didn’t want to go through that again with anyone else. It hurt too much to give all the time and never get anything back.” A faint, rueful smile suddenly curved his mouth. “I guess you know that, right?”

  “Yes, I do. Protecting yourself is easier, isn’t it?”

  “I guess that’s what I’ve been doing all along. Being the guy with the success and the money and the reputation. Being someone else because God knows being myself didn’t help anyone. Didn’t fix anyone.”

  “You fixed me. You freed me from all the stuff I’ve been carrying around all these years.” She bent her head, pressed a kiss on each of his knuckles. “And you cared about your father. That’s what’s so hard, isn’t it?”

  For a long moment he said nothing, and when he spoke his voice was hoarse. “That morning when I found him and he told me he didn’t want me, I walked out of there and I swore I’d never go back. I didn’t want to feel so much about anyone like that ever again. And then Joseph came round to warn me off you.”

  Her head came up. “He what?” This was news to her.

  “He meant well. But God knew it just made me realize that I was beginning to care too much for you.”

  Judith blinked. “I’m going to kill him.”

  “It’s okay, babycakes. It’s okay now.”

  “It’s not okay. You bloody idiot—”

  Gently he laid a finger across her lips, stopping her words. “No. It wasn’t just Joseph. It was the thing with Dad, too. You made me feel, so I pushed you away, telling myself I didn’t want to be me anymore. That I wanted to be someone else who didn’t care.” His finger dropped. “I meant what I said back there, Jude. I want to be a man you can trust. A man who deserves you. I don’t want to let you down ever again.”

  Her heart began to expand, filling her up, making it difficult to breathe or speak. “You have my trust and you always were that man. That’s why I fell in love with you a second time.” She took another, halting breath. “And that’s why I’m going to say it now.” She looked up at him. “I love you, Caleb. One day you will let me down. And one day you’ll hurt me. And I’ll probably do the same to you because nobody’s perfect. But as long as we love each other, I think we’ll be okay.”

  “About Australia…”

  “You can’t give that up.”

  “And you can’t give up your business for me, either.”

  “No, but I can take time off.” She smiled. “You can, too. We’ll work something out, huh?”

  “We will, darling. We will.” He bent his head and kissed her. For a long time.

  Then she said, “What have you got in your hand?”

  Caleb grinned and opened his palm, and her breath caught as she saw the necklace in it.

  “You kept it?”

  “Of course I kept it. I even got the catch fixed. I was going to mail it to you but I thought you’d probably send it back. So it’s become my good luck charm.”

  “Can I…Can I have it back?”

  His grin became a smile. “I thought you’d never ask. Turn around.”

  Judith did so and he hung the necklace around her neck, the little bird resting against her skin. It felt good to have it there, the bird the symbol of the freedom she’d always found with him.

  “You’re pretty amazing, Cal. You know that, right?”

  “Of course I know that.” He put a finger under her chin, tilting her head back for a kiss. “You were the one who showed me after all.”

  “So arrogant, studmuffin.”

  “And you love it, babycakes.”

  Then he kissed her again.

  Epilogue

  Babycakes:

  Thrones?

  Studmuffin:

  Yeah.

  Babycakes.

  Are you out of your mind? I’m not having thrones at our wedding.

  Studmuffin:

  Posh and Becks did.

  Babycakes:

  I am not Posh and you are not Becks!

  Studmuffin:

  I guess you won’t want the carriage drawn by six white horses then.

  Babycakes:

  No.

  Studmuffin:

  Okay, but I’m going to put my foot down over Rod Stewart as your entry music, BC. He’s staying othe
rwise the wedding’s off.

  Babycakes:

  You are such a pain.

  Studmuffin:

  Hey, I cut down the guest list didn’t I?

  Babycakes:

  You know that 500 people is still too many, Groomzilla?

  Studmuffin:

  All the more presents for us. J BTW, you saw the write up in the paper for your exhibition?

  Babycakes:

  Oh yes. I saw.

  Studmuffin:

  Because I’ve already had it framed.

  Babycakes:

  You didn’t need to go that far. It wasn’t a big deal.

  Studmuffin:

  A rave review about photography’s latest “rising star?” Not a big deal? Do you have any idea how proud of you I am?

  Babycakes:

  I think I’m going to call you Abs of Marshmallow instead since you’re all soft and squishy inside.

  Studmuffin:

  I’d much rather you call me your husband.

  Babycakes:

  Oh boy, that was low. Okay, you got me. You can have your thrones.

  Studmuffin:

  You know I love you, right?

  Babycakes:

  No, too much. I’m calling emotional blackmail.

  Studmuffin:

  And I’m calling you my wife. In one week’s time.

  Babycakes:

  Counting the days, Cal.

  Studmuffin:

  So am I, Jude. So am I.

  Acknowledgements

  Once again thanks so much to Libby Murphy, my lovely editor, for making this book the very best it could be (and for talking me into trying a rugby player hero).

  Thanks also to my wonderful family—the fabulous Dr. Jax and my two lovely girls.

  To Maisey Yates, who puts up with my whines and complaints and is generally one of the best ladies to have around ever.

  And to Ali and Steve, who brought the chocolate and bubbles of the alcoholic kind, and generally put up with me while I was editing this baby over our annual Easter holiday. You guys rock!

  About the Author

  Jackie has been writing fiction since she was eleven years old. Mild mannered fantasy/SF/pseudo-literary writer by day, obsessive romance writer by night, she used to balance her writing with the more serious job of librarianship until a chance meeting with another romance writer prompted her to throw off the shackles of her day job and devote herself to the true love of her heart—writing romance. She particularly likes to write emotional stories with alpha heroes who’ve just got the world to their liking only to have it blown wide apart by their kick-ass heroines.