A Weirdly Perverted Romance

by Kitty Parker

  I should have said something to her, but she was happy so it didn't really matter, if I told her about it she would have been disappointed. She also gave me a rather large bowl of ice-cream that night.

  I have never been able to look at my teacher again without bursting into a fit of giggles.

  This is one of the many things I should have told my Mum. Poor lady, she never got that call.

  You see, my teacher was married.

  I let the pencil drop to the table with a satisfactory clunk and smiled proudly, though I don't think I will be seeing Mum anytime soon to give it to her. Oh well.

  * * *

  More classes had passed, all of them unfortunately with The Pervert might I add. Who designed his timetable!? I bet he did it. Jerk. Anyway so it was now lunch time and this girl was pointing at me and giggling, I mean, what the hell?!

  I quirked an eyebrow at her and shrugged it off moving forward in the lunch line. But I could hear people whispering and it was really ticking me off, when I reached Doris she served me up some gruel and 2 pieces of cake. Huh? 2 pieces?!

  She just winked at me and ushered for me to move along "B-but" I protested before walking off rather confused. Did I look like I needed an extra piece of cake or something? Shaking my head I went and sunk down into my seat, but I couldn't eat. It was rather unnerving when you had the entire school populations eyes on you, well, most of them.

  Soon The Pervert joined me and I eyed him suspiciously "Do you know anything about this?" I inquired with narrowed eyes. He blinked and I ushered to the crowd of eyes before us, the whispering had seemed to get even louder once The Pervert had sat down.

  He quirked an eyebrow and shrugged "I wouldn't think so. Why are they staring?"

  "I don't know. That's what's bugging me," I said with a frown "They are definitely looking at us aren't they?"

  We swivelled our heads around but alas, we were faced with greenery. Yup, they were talking about us. They really should be more tactful, when you're talking about someone, you don't look at them. Just a hint.

  But soon enough our questions were answered, a herd of laughing jocks came up and leant against our table. It had to have something to do with The Jerk.

  I scowled at them "What the hell do you want?! Clarify or get lost, preferably both!"

  One of them snickered at me and commented to another "Aw look at her! Telling us to get lost. Cute."

  That's it, they're so dead. I stood up from my chair abruptly and it clattered to the floor "Get. The. Hell. Away. From. This. Table. Or I'll makeyou."

  "Alright Princess. We will leave you alone with your boyfriend." They snickered before speeding off to their own table.

  My jaw was slack, so that was what they were whispering about? I went to go after them but The Pervert grabbed my hand and ushered to the chair "Get over it. Do you even care what they think?"

  I shook my head, I didn't. But it was still annoying; I didn't like people getting away with things like that.

  I muttered angrily to myself as I sat down "No." I eyed the 2 pieces of cake and smacked my head; I now knew why Doris had given me an extra piece of cake "Oh god."

  I sighed and eyed him "So, do you want a piece of cake?" I inquired ushering to the piece that sat next to mine. He smiled and took it.

  "I'll gladly take it. Thankyou." He said sincerely and I shrugged.

  "You're welcome." I responded shoving my own piece in my mouth, comfort food, isn't it wonderful?

  I needed all the comfort I could get. For today, was going to be a long day.

  Chapter 7: In a World of Paris Hiltons

  Oh no, she said she was taking me to Disneyland, and I believed her! But instead I am dragged to Miss Chick, a beauty pageant. One that all the women in my family have been forced into attending. Grandma tells me that my Mum enjoyed it, but really now, is that saying much? Come Sunday the woman would sit there watching Pingu reruns with a bowl of low fat popcorn.

  And if you didn't know Pingu is a show about a Penguin, and you couldn't even understand a word he said. All you would hear were some numerous mumblings and screaming at certain intervals. I mean, yeah, Pingu is a great show. For the under 7. Not 23 year old women, especially those with criminal tendencies. But she watched it anyway; with a passion might I add.

  Is Pingu even a he? I don't know. I think he is, forgive me if he's not.

  I was missing school for a beauty pageant. Normally I would take most opportunities just to get away from school, but I would sit through an hour long assembly and display gusto if it meant I didn't have to go to this beauty pageant.

  I would go through anything. Anything. Even the dentist. Even colon detoxication, you do not even want to know what that is. Well, if you don't already.

  I don't do beauty pageants. I was supposedly singing. I mean I wasn't awful at it; I was actually good at it. But it was just the principles of the whole thing; beauty was everything in this kind of competition. Well, mainly anyway. There was the talent side and whatnot.

  I didn't even have any idea what I was going to sing, seriously, my mind was blank. I think the intelligence quota of the people around here is starting to infect my brain.

  But my Grandmother jostled me in there with surprising strength for a 65 year old woman.

  "H-Help!" I cried in horror as I was pushed into the crowd of beauty queens "I am surrounded by blondes!!"

  Some of the Beauty Queens scrunched their pretty little noses at me and others just blinked back stupidly. I had never been among so many dumb beauties in my life, well; they looked and acted like they were dumb. I was horrified.

  My Grandmother cursed in a foreign language and grabbed my hand leading me to a room which had my name on it. Literally. It also had one of those little stars next to it, it was shiny. She opened the door, shoving me in there and closed the door after her. I felt even more scared now, what was this crazy lady planning to do to me?!

  She shoved a black trench coat and miniskirt in my hands and I gaped at it "Mini skirt?!" I choked out in horror.

  But Grandmother just rolled her eyes at me shoving me towards a fenced-or curtained rather-off part of the room to change. I begrudgingly stepped into the area and noticed I didn't have a t-shirt "Grandmother you seem to have-" I was cut off by a piece of cloth in the form of a t-shirt being thrown at my face.

  I picked the t-shirt from my face and spread it out in my palms before me, it was simple, pink, and off the shoulder. Fair enough I guess, atleast it wasn't a boob tube. I could do without the miniskirt however.

  I undressed, throwing my clothes to the ground and then pulling on my new ones. Grandmother had obviously gone shopping.

  I sighed looking down at myself, eyeing the outfit rather dismayed, though I didn't look bad. But I could feel the mini-skirt hiking up my legevery time I moved. Let me tell you, it was rather irritating.

  As I looked down at my skirt in annoyance I was attacked on the head by a shoe. I looked down at it in a grimace; I always knew heels were evil-OUCH!

  "Hey Grandmother, that was my face!!" I hissed shaking the pink high heel irately at her. I sighed as she ignored me and pulled on my heels, deciding they were pretty nice-for heels. They had little butterflies on the straps at random places and the straps were covered in a soft felt. If I had to wear heels, these would be my heels. But I was a platform and flats kind of girl myself.

  "Are you done yet?!" she wanted to know.

  "Just tightening up the straps milady." I said doing so before walking out of the area, stumbling a bit as I was not used to the heels.

  "You better fix that stumble young lady." She chastised with a wag of her finger and a frown.

  "Hey bub, you're lucky I'm even doing this, and you know I don't do heels." I retorted stamping a foot but soon regretting it when I nearly toppled over.

  "Now, where do you get off calling your Grandmother Bub young lady?" she scolded before picking up a brush and ushering to the chair before her. I sighed and sat down as she muttered som
ething along the lines of 'Kids these days'.

  "Hmm, I think I will put your hair in a messy bun dear, you do have such lovely hair. I wish you hadn't died it pink." She sighed taking my hair out of its pony tail and brushing it gently.

  I rolled my eyes, keep my dark brown hair? No thanks. Pinks good. Browns too...well...normal. May I ask, am I normal? No.

  Once she had finished with my hair she eyed me warily pointing to the door "Now you go mingle and figure out what you are going to sing. I will be in front of the stage waiting for you."

  We walked out the door and before heading off she had one final plea for me "And please Reese, please. Pick something nice to sing, ok?"

  "Grandmother, why ever wouldn't I?" I asked cheerily with a chipper grin, she just rolled her eyes at me and sent me a suspicious glance before walking off. Really now, I wasn't that bad. When had I ever let her down?

  Well, apart from that time at the zoo when I had accidentally provoked a monkey and it had started throwing rocks at innocent bystanders. I only pulled its tail a little, gees, that monkey had so been asking for it. He had been swinging his tush in my face. Now really, was that how a proper young monkey should behave? No, it wasn't.

  Also the time when she taken me to one of her garden parties and there was this nasty little girl who had picked on everybody. So I shoved ice down her pants, she didn't even notice until everyone was laughing at her. I'd have thought she would have noticed before that embarrassment, because well, it was ice.

  Oh yeah and there was that time I had run around in Miss Miriam's backyard nude one time when she had had the sprinklers going, because well, it was hot. I also didn't happen to have my bathers on me.

  But she did say I could do whatever I liked. So I did. The only condition was that I couldn't break anything. Did I break anything? No. I would have thought it would have been ok. But no when Grandmother saw me running around in the nude she had gone as red as a fire truck, Miriam just blinked and went back to sipping at her tea. She wasn't worried. Either was my Grandfather, on the contrary, he was laughing.

  But seriously, all those things were practically begging to be done.

  I looked around the room and found a back exit. Great, I needed some air!

  I sat down on the grass and watched the little kids play around on the big field before me. It was nice; I wished I was a little kid again. When you were a kid you could get away with practically anything, as I had obviously proved.

  I mused, chewing my lip and trying to figure out a song to sing.

  After a while of frustrated silence-well apart from the yelling and screaming of little kids and their distressed mothers-an idea had struck me.

  They wanted talent? They would sure as hell get it!

  * * *

  "Ready kids?" I asked with a smirk as we took our places on the stage.

  The dozen or more kids that were lined up behind me in single file nodded eagerly with cute little grins. I am so glad their mothers let me kidnap them for a while. It was for a worthy cause, after all, who wouldn't want to see the look on my grandmother's face when she saw me do my thang.

  I was doing a girl rendition of 'Rock This Party' complete with kid dancers. I had found costumes somewhere in the theatre and had also replaced my stupid skirt with an uneven black one that was loose and flowed long at the back and at the sides, but coming up a bit and reaching my knees at the front. I looked rather classy if I do say so myself, just a tad more, well, comfortable.

  "Next, Reese Anderson performing-Rock This Party?" the MC trailed off letting the curtains open.

  I beamed at the crowd and stifled my laughter as I heard my Grandmother let out a curse in what I am sure was French.

  The music started-I had nicked a CD off one of the little kids-and along the line every second person swayed a different way from the person in front of them as I had planned.

  There were murmurs of surprise in the crowd and cheers from the kids Mum's.

  I shouted into the mike and when the music grew louder all the kids split up to dance around me. The Britney's wiggled their hips, Elvis danced around disco style and The Beatles tapped their feet bopping their heads around and making guitar motions. The kids were doing great.

  And me? I was having the time of my life.

  Well, until I fell off the stage.

  * * *

  I stood there waving, the Miss Chick crown-or tiara rather-on my head as I beamed down at the crowd.

  Right, now for overly dramatic speech and crying.

  "I can't believe I won!" I gushed excitedly into the microphone.

  Well, it was true. If a little exaggerated. All the other contestants had appeared bubbly, positive and well, normal. As normal as any girl could be with an ego the size of New York and a rack as big as beach balls. Well, most of them had beach ball racks; still, they were all brainless blonde clones.

  I had redeemed myself when I had fallen off the stage, making it seem like I had done it on purpose. The interview had also gone well, apart from one question which was 'Is Paris Hilton one of your idols?'. Yeah, Paris, a stupid ditzy celebrity, a very blonde one at that. Well, right now she is blonde anyway. But honestly, what sane person in the world likes that girl?

  Apparently a lot of people if you count most of the judges and those ditzy girls. They mustn't watch too much TV; Paris Hilton got arrested and said something along the lines of 'My people didn't inform me.'

  Her people hadn't informed her?! What the bloody hell!? I may not be blonde and I'm sure as all heck not famous but I can atleast keep track of you know, my drivers licence. Not that an itty bitty thing like that matters, no, not to Paris Hilton. May I add that this girl didn't even knowLondon was in the UK? This girl was obviously not college-bound, not that it mattered, she was a hotel heiress. Woop-di-doo.

  Paris Hilton is stupid. Water is wet. Do I really need to state the obvious?

  "I would like to thank everyone who helped me, my Grandmother for forcing me to do this, the little kids for helping me and their Mums who let them! Without you guys, I don't know what I'd do!" I burst into tears and fanned myself with the certificate as the crowd cheered for me. Good job Reese, just gush a little more and you'll have them eating from the palms of your hands, just like chickens.

  I looked across the crowd and saw the kids beaming up at me and Grandmother half-glaring half-smiling, proud that I had won but not sure whether to be happy about the way I had gone about doing it. But hey, the judges loved me, I was The Beef.

  I went to run down the stairs, again forgetting that I was wearing heels, and of course the reward for my forgetfulness was a stage dive, luckyme.

  This time I didn't get to save myself, as I fell face first into one of the judges laps, oh well.

  * * *

  I lay down in bed ruffling through my bag for my locker keys, then deciding to check the front pocket, ah, my keys! I thought I had lost them! But not only are my keys in there, there is a note! Addressed in The Pervert's handwriting might I add, what had he given me a letter for?

  I bemusedly unfolded it and began to read.

  The time we met was not at all a good time for her I'm afraid, I had heard her hitting the sides of the battered old toy box screaming, I did not know what she was screaming however and I'm still not sure what she had been going through. My Dad had told me to be nice though saying she had it tough.

  I had had to tell my Dad that she was in there because the box muffled her screams quite a bit and his mind was on other things, such as evidence. When he had lifted the toy box lid she had leapt out of the box, her cheeks tear-stained and her short brown hair sticking up at odd angles.

  When she saw us she promptly whipped a hand across her face, wiping away the tears and replacing her rather distraught expression with one that was rather unreadable.

  She had to stay at our house for two weeks because she lacked suitable guardians, also because she needed be protected from them, well, atleast one of them as my father had told me.
>
  The next day you couldn't tell at all from the look of her what an impact the previous day's events had had on her. She smiled, acted politely if not showing a little cheek at times and generally acted like a darling little girl, if an odd one at that.

  At first I was a little jealous of her, and at one point I had convinced myself the day we met had all been a lie or some big joke, she certainly never talked about it at all. But it was only because she was taking my parents attention away from me.

  I had even accused her of such; she just smiled sympathetically at me, ruffling my hair and apologising with an "I'm sorry; I won't's be heres very longs anyways."

  She was a very mature little girl for her age, but at the time it just made me confused. I didn't know how to act around her so I just avoided her; it was a different story when she had to leave though.

  I found myself not wanting her to, but my Dad told me she had to. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye, nor mention my feelings towards her. But the worst thing was; I never got to apologise. She deserved neither my avoidance of her nor my jealousy, but I had displayed it to her anyway.

  So when I give it to her, I want her to know I'm sorry and to please forgive me. Because my feelings have grown in the time we have been apart, and they are none too platonic if you know what I mean.

  Ps. Reese, I thought you looked hot even as a 4 year old. Thought you'd like to know that.

  Tootles. ♥ ♥ ♥

  What the hell!?? That boys got some splainin' to do!

  Chapter 8: A Lovely Day. Sarcasm

  "Hello Taffy! Hello Taffy!" I gushed tweaking my dog's ears with glee "The Pervert is going to die today! Isn't he Taffy? Isn't he?! Oh yes he is!!"

  Taffy shot me a patronizing doggish look and went back to licking herself. Stupid dog.