A Weirdly Perverted Romance

by Kitty Parker

  I tried to convince her I was tackling world issues but she didn't seem to find what they were fighting about all that important. I mean like saying 'Um, Jane. Where's your hair?' isn't going to start a war involving Barbie getting her head chopped off and the mayor having to be replaced with a plastic dinosaur. It's hair people, of course it's important! Especially with Barbie as your mayor, salon trips and makeovers foreveryone!

  About now I was getting really annoyed, it was lunch time, and he was still ignoring me. He was over at Trinity's table having an animated conversation, waving his arms about and making whispered proclamations. Though before in the lunch line Doris assured me he was sending me 'longing glances' when I wasn't looking. Honestly, it was like she thought it would make me feel better.

  "God," someone snorted from behind me, causing me to jump "lay off the straw why don't you?"

  I looked down at my straw; I had gnawed all the colour off of it. Oops. Wait; was that Kelly that just pointed that out to me?

  Spinning my head around I looked to find Kelly taking a seat beside me. What in the hell is going on? The Pervert is leaving me alone for a change, Kelly is voluntarily sitting next to me and this morning Grandmother wouldn't let me out of the car until she gave me a kiss on the forehead. It doesn't take an idiot to figure out that the world has obviously turned upside down.

  "Begone evil demon," I cried, holding my fingers up in a cross sign and scraping my chair across the ground away from her "Begone!"

  My hand signals weren't working, she just rolled her eyes. I think I am losing my touch.

  "Want a piece of cake?" I offered. I really am losing my touch, besides which, it's not like Kelly would take it. I mean, she was too concerned about 'cards' or whatever they are.

  To my astonishment she leaned over and swiped the extra piece of cake from in front of me, I blinked back dumbly.

  "What?" she inquired, raising an eyebrow "You asked me if I wanted some cake, I wanted some cake."

  "Aren't you worried about all the cards?" I asked, scratching my head in complete incredulity.

  "Cards?" she snorted in a what-the-hec-are-you-talking-about kind of way "Oh, carbs, sorry. Forgot you were diet illiterate. I don't care anymore."

  What was that supposed to mean? Diet illiterate? Please. Was I supposed to starve my self? And what was this about not caring about her weight?

  "What?" I spat, again incredulous.

  "I. Don't. Care." She said slowly, as if I was a moron. So not. "Apparently dumping your hot loser boyfriend gets up the whole high school's ass. He has even got his stupid couch after me."

  "Ah," I said nodding "the high school food chain. Look out for the lions, but remember: lionesses are the one's that kill."

  She gave me a look "You don't know how true that is."

  I gave her a look back "Actually Kelly, I do. You and the rest of your ah-posse?"

  "Say what you meant." She snorted, shovelling cake into her mouth with enthusiasm. Such a charming girl, though I guess I can't talk. She had definitely got me with the 'say what you meant' thing. But you can't really blame me, my thoughts only speak truth.

  "Army of Skanks for better term?" I said recalling a phrase from Mean Girls, that movie hits way too close to home. Not that I was like Kady or anything, just the fact that our school had 'plastics' so to speak.

  "Enough about me," she said and I gave her another weird look, since when had she had enough of talking about herself? "What about yourproblems?"

  Raising her eyebrows suggestively she gestured towards the table in which The Pervert was situated.

  "Please," I frowned "glad to be rid of him. Pleased as punch."

  "Whatever you say, but I think-" she stopped in the middle of her sentence and her jaw kind of slackened. I followed her gaze only to meet a public screening of Snog Fest. I want a refund. Wait a minute, I didn't pay did I? I want a free shrink; I think I am going to have emotional scarring.

  Our schools QB was making out with one of Kelly's cheerleader pals, Cindy Haywood. You know what this means? It means: Cat Fight.

  But surprisingly, Kelly just grinned and went "Hey, isn't it cute? If they married, she would be Cindy Crawford! Like the model!" and went back to eating the chocolate cake.

  Looks like I'll have to go get me some suction boots. Before I fall off this world, I mean.

  * * *

  "Reese," my Home Ec teacher sighed "I'm sorry, but you have to do it again."

  What? I had already attempted at making it five freaking times already, the rest of them were already starting on another dish! And him, he was just avoiding my gaze, scrubbing a spot on his metal bowl.

  Scowling, I made my way across to the bin and emptied my bowl angrily into it. The Pervert was looking at me when I turned around but quickly looked away when I caught him. Coward.

  "If you've got something to say," I hissed at him angrily "SAY IT!"

  "What about me ignoring you makes you think I want to talk to you?" he snapped back at me, I glowered.

  "The part where you are looking at me every 10 freaking seconds!" I retorted, hands on hips.

  We glared at each other and went back to what we were doing.

  Oh boy was I mad, but not just at him. I was mad at myself. I wasn't supposed to care, why was I getting so angry at a stupid jerk because he wasn't talking to me? I only cared about my Grandmother, Alex, Taffy and Dave. I wasn't supposed to care about him, or Kelly for that matter. And especially not vice versa.

  "Are you mad at your mixture Miss Anderson?" my teacher inquired, sounding perplexed. Honestly, I guess teachers have selective hearing; she didn't appear to have a clue about The Pervert and I's little bout.

  "No." I muttered and she walked away with a shrug. When I looked up I found The Pervert flirting again, and with Trinity no less. I didn't even know she took this class.

  Looking at the clock I noticed I still had an hour left of class left, and honestly, I really didn't feel like it. So I did what I had been waiting to do all day, I went over to him and dumped the bowl of mixture of his head. Now, don't think I'm stupid; I got out of there right away. As I stormed out I heard him let out an angry hiss, but also, I heard Trinity burst into laughter. What was her problem?

  Not like it mattered, I don't care anyway right?

  My only stop was to collect my bag from my locker, and then I headed towards the exit of the school. I would have made it out if someone hadn't pulled me back "You forgot your container."

  I glanced back to see The Pervert and snatched the container out of his hands, I was about to walk out when he stopped me once more.

  "You want to talk Anderson? Lets talk." He spun me around and pressed me against a wall "That letter? Yeah, it is exactly what it says it means. I am the one who noticed you in that box when you were hiding from your Dad, I am the one whose house you stayed at for 2 weeks and I am the one who is completely, utterly and totally in love with you."

  "And Reese if you don't like me that way," He said his lips brushing against mine "Prove it."

  He then stormed out of the school, stealing my dramatic exit.

  Chapter 13: Cool it? I won't

  -

  "Oh Reese," my Grandmother sighed, frowning at me "you look like Baldwin when Gerda dumped him because he accidentally sat on her parrot!"

  "What?" I blinked back at her; I had stopped listening at 'Baldwin'. Who on Earth names their child Baldwin? It's insane, that's what it is. Just as bad as naming your kid Boris, maybe even worse. I mean, you could get the nickname 'bald' or even worse, 'balls'. Who, in their right mind, wants that kind of nickname? I don't.

  "You were bad enough yesterday for heavens sakes!" she snorted, thumping a hand on the dining table "Slouching and flicking peas at Taffy! I could have had a coronary! What on Earth is wrong with you?"

  Well, that's a nice question to hear coming from your Grandmother. Ain't she the sweetest?

  "Oh and uh...Reese..." she started in a guilty tone. I narrowed my eyes at her, last
time she sounded guilty she had ran over my pet rabbit. To be fair my rabbit had kind of escaped it's cage and peed all over her new dress, but whatever. She said she hadn't done it on purpose, but you could totally tell underneath it all she was rejoicing. She hated my rabbit; it was always peeing on things.

  I guess I wouldn't have liked my rabbit much either if it hadn't peed on the gingham dress she had made me, can you say 'Cletus'? Because that's what that dress reminded me of, Cletus from the Simpsons. Not to mention his wife (who was also his sister) and children.

  "What?" I inquired suspiciously.

  "Well, you know, er...Ethol?" she began weakly and my eyes widened "Well she's-"

  I heard the sound of something breaking outside "Oops, sorry Mrs Anderson! I accidentally knocked over one of your lawn gnomes!"

  Oh dear Lord.

  Grandmother smacked a hand to her forehead and stood from her seat to head towards the front door "It's ok Ethol, I never liked that lawn gnome much anyway. Please dear, take off your shoes and-"

  Again with the breaking sounds "Jesucristo!"

  "Oops, sorry about your wind chimes!"

  While Ethol may be the sweetest darn thing-considering she was Mary Garland's grand daughter, this was a shocker-she was so unco no medication could make it worse if it tried.

  So let's just say I was in for a long night.

  "Oh my God, my good china!"

  "Sorry Mrs A!"

  * * *

  "To be, or not to be. That, is the question." My drama teacher-Mr Lois, pronounced Low-iss-droned, strutting around the stage.

  "Then what the hell is the answer." I muttered, albeit too loudly as snickers broke out into the class. Mr Lois glared at me, shoving his hands in his pockets and trying to look intimidating. Which so didn't work, poor guy, he's shorter than me. He was fresh out of college and already had bratty teenagers badgering him.

  I couldn't help it though; I had been too scared last night to fall asleep in case Ethol trudged into my room asking me where the bathroom was and knocked over my CD player or something. I fell asleep for like half an hour before I had heard a scream. Ethol had been attacked by her own bed covers. They had wrapped themselves around her feet, causing her to trip over when attempting to go get a class of water to drink.

  "Miss Anderson, and what, may I ask, is your problem?" he inquired as I am usually quite a good girl, no things to explode things in drama see. I destroyed the lights a couple months ago and they won't let me go near the new ones.

  "PMS." I shrugged, though of course that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I hadn't gotten any sleep. The male population of the class all groaned when I said this, scrunching up their noses and muttering 'don't need to know's.

  Mr Lois blinked and went on with his speech, well until he was interrupted by some mental kid. Teens around my school tend to have mental breakdowns every couple of months and start screaming for no reason. None the less, usually I found it quite amusing to watch. But right now? I was just annoyed.

  "WHY? WHY? Why my toblerone bar?!" he wailed, tears running down his cheeks "I put it down for one freaking second and a bloody bird comes and craps on it!"

  Mental breakdowns over toblerone? Yeah, that makes sense. Though chocolate is all well and good, I don't think I'd have a mental breakdown over it. I just wouldn't. Well, unless it was the last straw. I wonder what this guy's been through?

  The Mental Guy started running around, kicking things like, you know, people. I mean, what the hell? What had we done? I decided to throw my drink bottle at his head in my annoyance "Go take your meds!"

  He fell over and got back up, his eyes darting around until finally resting on me. I was just sitting there, kicking my feet up and down in boredom. Then I realised I should have got up and ran, I mean I could give the guy a fair run for his money but, he was enraged. I was in control, well, sort of. He was striding to me right about now and planning to open a can of whoop ass on me.

  So, I just sat there and meekly apologised. Not. I taunted him, what is wrong with me? I can totally see where Grams is coming from, I mean, picking fights with mentally unstable people? "Woo, come fight me man. Fight for that toblerone."

  After I said that he kind of bolted at me, fists readied. I just blinked and crossed one leg over the other; he could try and hurt me. And for my poor attitude and taunting, he did. I just shielded my face but I needn't have bothered. The Pervert stood in front of me and caught the punch "Don't hit girls, you ass." After that he kind of punched the guy out.

  Mr Lois was just kind of standing there, a little freaked. I guess no one had had a mental breakdown in his class, kudos to him.

  The Pervert spun around "Why on Earth do I bother with you? You are always getting yourself in trouble!"

  "Don't want to bother with me?" I hissed "Then don't."

  He just kinda stared at me for a while, his mouth open with an exasperated look in his eyes.

  "What," he wanted to know "was I supposed to do? Just let him punch you?"

  I ignored him and glared into space.

  "Reese" he whispered.

  I got up and walked out of class.

  "Mr Lois," I said "I need to pee."

  * * *

  When I had said I needed to pee, I didn't. I just skipped the rest of his class and the next, which was cooking. And if you didn't know already, Inever skip. Well, except in Gym where I pretend I have a stomach ache at times. But who needs gym? I sure don't. I do some sport; I don't skip all the time.

  But I did go to detention, because you know, I didn't want to get any more of it. If skipping classes didn't get me any, though in my case my teachers would be relieved. I wasn't a person who they would want in their class about now.

  I hope Mr Screwd wasn't going to get us to do anymore trust excercises, they were kind of dumb. I mean, how the hell was staring into someone's eyes supposed to help you gain trust?

  But no, he just made us read more of his book. Dandy.

  Try not to scream or yell in public. Though this may seem perfectly normal to you, other people will stare.

  Huh. Scream and people stare? Didn't know that. Excuse me Mr Screwd, but I only explode things. I'm not blind.

  I looked down at the book drearily, well, until it was snatched out of my hands "Reese, what is your problem?"

  Looking up I glared at The Pervert who had sat himself on top of my desk "Get your ass out of my face."

  "Reese," he said slowly, sounding rather patronizing "you need to chill."

  Chill? I'll give him chill. I hate when people tell me to chill. I mean, if I'm not chilling, it means I don't want to be chilling. So why tell me to chill? It's stupid and pointless. It's like telling a shark not to bite off your leg; it just gets mad at you. Well, it would, if you know, it understood English.

  "Holliday," I said with a simpering sweet smile "go jump in a lake."

  He shot me an angry look "You're so damn stubborn!"

  He would have said more if he wasn't called up to the office.

  And me, stubborn? Damn straight. Not like he didn't know, I mean, considering in our past when he had to do basically the same thing. Punch out a guy for me, I mean. Which was pretty cool, considering he was only 4 at the time. He also got in trouble with the kid's mum.

  So flashback? Pretty much.

  * * *

  I sat, watching the little kids around the park play kiss chasey. Which I thought was gross, I mean, cooties much? In my old town boys and girls never played kiss chasey, the only interaction involving them was when we occasionally stuck our foot out causing the person of the opposite sex to fall over into a mud puddle.

  Oh, and we did play one form of chasey. It was called 'punch' chasey; can you guess what it involved? Yeah, the kids where I lived were pretty feral. But not nearly as feral as I thought these kids were, I mean, ew. Kiss chasey? Gross!

  Atleast I had my ice cream to consult with, my dearly beloved ice cream. Well, that was until it got swiped from my hands. I looked up to
find a kid about 2 years older than me, holding my ice cream.

  "Hey, give it back!" I stood up and jumped to reach the ice cream, but missed.

  He just laughed and took a lick from my ice cream, I glared at him. I was not eating that ice cream now, not that I was going to let him get away from it. I walked right up to him and kicked him in the shins as hard as I could "Ass!" I squealed, using the word my Mother had called the delivery guy under her breath when he had thrown the newspaper into one of the tall trees in my old back yard.

  Letting out a giant howl he dropped my ice cream to the ground and he soon followed it, rolling about and writhing in the grass. Then I decided to kind of squish the ice cream into his face and walk off. What? He deserved it.

  But I wasn't expecting him to get me back, as I walked off he pulled on my trainer and I tripped over falling face first onto the ground.

  His victory didn't last long however, Remmy came to save me. The boy who I was staying with, I didn't really like boys right now, but he was ok. Along with the boy I had met when I was 3.

  So Remmy came and belted the crap through him, even my 4 year old self was kind of sadistic and felt kind of a thrill watching the guy get bashed.

  It was all good until the kid's Mum came around and was all 'My poor baby' please, my poor ice cream.

  So Remmy got in some trouble, but it's ok. I made up for it. I bought him a lollypop with the money from my piggybank.

  It was cherry flavoured.

  So I guess you can see where The Pervert got his player antics, I mean, his town was obsessed with playing kiss chasey when he was a boy. I still vaguely remember when he tried to get me to play; I ran and hid up a tree in horror. I wouldn't come down until they told me they were getting pizza for tea.

  The Pervert looked down at me with a glare, muttered something I will refrain from repeating and walked off to the principal's office, kicking a table over on his way.

  And he said I needed to cool it.