Rogue Memory

by Tiffany Frost

  Would you? The killer asked, curious. He wouldn't talk about his feelings, if he had them.

  Stephanie sighed. Sometimes, I really wish I could walk out and slam a door on you guys.

  I haven’t been here for very long.

  Thank you... for killing him.

  The killer smiled. Any time.

  Hey, there’s someone I need taken care of, Maia said.

  Stephanie groaned. I’ll talk about my damn feelings if you’ll stop.

  She felt Maia’s triumph at having goaded her, but behind that, she was concerned.

  I feel... angry.

  That was it, anger was making her muscles tight and her skin feel flushed. She wanted to kill the soldier again. Something more painful this time. Something slow that would make him feel like a victim. Powerless.

  Disgusted

  That was the other emotion. The one that twisted her stomach and made it impossible to eat dinner, even after Ivan had gone through an apparently complicated process to make it.

  Powerless.

  Was powerless an emotion? She wondered, spinning in circles.

  She felt powerless.

  She hadn’t been in control of her own body, even before she let the killer take over.

  Glad.

  She was glad the soldier was dead. Glad that he was never going to make her feel like that, ever again.

  Except... she still felt that way. Like her life was spinning out of control. As though someone had taken her out of the equation when it came to making decisions.

  She needed to do something. Something that made her feel in control of herself again. Something that made her feel at home in her own skin.

  Her mind flashed to Ivan. The way he’d looked, standing so close, when he was scanning her for the tracking device. His eyes, dark, concerned. The stubble on his jawline. His lips.

  She shook her head.

  She wasn’t going to think about it. She wasn’t going to think about Ivan like that. He was Caroline’s. She’d betrayed her enough by leaving her behind.

  Stephanie buried her face into her knee.

  What was she going to do?

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  She was trying to cook and she was beginning to think maybe it had been a bad idea. She thought she’d had enough of Ivan’s memories left to put together a meal but the vegetables went from raw to bright then turned to mush and started smelling like a terraforming mulch pit in a matter of moments.

  You should make something more humble. Maia suggested. I can talk you through porridge. Or bread.

  He’s not going to be impressed by porridge.

  He’s not going to be impressed by this either.

  Stephanie gave a stifled scream, gritting her teeth.

  “Having a bit of kitchen angst?” a voice asked from behind.

  Stephanie whipped around. “What? No. Everything’s under control.”

  “You sure you don’t want a hand with anything?”

  “No, of course not. It wouldn’t be much of a thank you breakfast if I made you cook it now, would it?” She forced herself to smile.

  “You don’t have to thank me, Stephanie. I’m just sorry I didn’t get there sooner.”

  “You got there soon enough.”

  “At least let me make you some coffee.”

  Stephanie nodded. She stepped aside so that Ivan could get into the kitchen, trying to keep standing in front of the pot so that he wouldn’t see what was going on inside.

  She turned the heat off and watched him brew the coffee.

  The morning light cycle picked out strands of brown in his hair, she noticed. It looked completely black in the evening light cycle.

  Stop looking at him, she ordered herself.

  She turned away, facing the mess in the pan. She heard Ivan set a cup down on the bench next to her. Felt the warmth radiating off his body. He even smelled good. How did he smell good with a waterless shower? Was he wearing cologne?

  “I’ll wait in my room, okay?” he said from behind her. Was he laughing at her?

  Stephanie nodded.

  She held her breath, straining to follow the sound of his footsteps as he left the room.

  Maia?

  Yes?

  I think I might need help with this.

  She felt Maia’s smile.

  * * *

  Stephanie knocked on the wall outside Ivan’s room. The door was open and she could see straight in. The room itself was spartan. A bed pushed up against one side. A wall that looked smooth but probably contained hidden cupboards. That was it.

  Ivan lay, stretched out on the bed with a reading device.

  Stephanie froze, watching him read.

  There were so many other entertainment options, she couldn’t remember the last time she saw someone read anything.

  Except Caroline, with her vintage Sci-Fi’s, addicted to stories that hadn’t been reproduced in another medium.

  She cleared her throat. “What are you reading?”

  “Warrior’s Apprentice.”

  She nodded. “Breakfast is ready.”

  Relax. He’s going to like it.

  I’m not nervous. Stephanie turned away from Ivan, walking back into the dining area. She sat down, folding her hands around a fresh cup of coffee to keep them still, and watched him come in.

  Ivan’s eyes widened when he entered the room. He grinned, flashing white teeth and making his eyes sparkle.

  Stephanie exhaled, only noticing when she could breathe easily that she’d been holding her breath.

  “Thanks, Stephanie. I love pancakes,” he said, sitting down across from her.

  She took a sip of coffee, biting down the words. Everybody likes pancakes. They’re not special.

  He was happy, that’s what mattered.

  She started eating. Silence stretched between them.

  Is it a companionable silence, or an awkward one? Stephanie wondered. How can you tell?

  There was no answer from Maia or the killer.

  “Perhaps I can be of some assistance,” Dr. Volkov said. He pulled out a chair and sat down.

  Stephanie kept her eyes on her plate. If she didn’t look at him, maybe he would go away.

  “Well, how do you feel about the situation?” Dr. Volkov asked.

  A lot more uncomfortable with you here.

  “We still have another day before we reach the next gate,” Ivan said.

  “Yeah,” Stephanie said.

  “I always find it frustrating. We can cross between systems in the blink of an eye but it still takes days, sometimes weeks, to get from one side of a system to the other.”

  “They could have put the gates closer together. But it’s safer this way.” She frowned. Everybody knew that.

  “Yeah, I know,” he ran a hand through his hair. “It’s still frustrating.”

  “Why do you think he feels the need to fill the silence with meaningless conversation?” Dr. Volkov asked.

  Stephanie shot him an annoyed look. Go away.

  He was worse than the voices in her head.

  She watched Dr. Volkov start fiddling with the coffee pot, turning it around and around.

  “Stephanie? Are you okay?”

  She looked back at Ivan. That line was creasing his brow.

  “I'm fine.” She took a sip of coffee. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “Did you want to take my bed for a while?”

  “No,” she shook her head. She’d never been very good at taking naps.

  Ivan put his hand on hers.

  She snatched her hand away.

  He looked confused. Hurt, even.

  “I...” She couldn’t explain. How would it sound? I’m scared I might accidentally kill you if we touch.

  “Sorry,” she shook her head.

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  They finished their breakfast in silence. Ivan took her plate with his and put it in the dish tray.

  “So...” he said.

&nbs
p; “So?”

  “We’ve got a long journey ahead still.”

  “Yeah.” Stephanie glanced back to see that Dr. Volkov had disappeared. She breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Do you want to play a game?”

  “What?”

  “The game console came with two remotes. We can play something if you want.”

  “Sure,” Stephanie said, somewhat bemused.

  She’d never actually played a game before, between training, studying and becoming a spy.

  She thought it might be fun.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  They docked at the station above the planet Argun.

  Stephanie packed a backpack with the killer’s suit and the two changes of clothes, glad Ivan had noticed them on the ground when he woke up on Sakura Station.

  She shrugged the bag over her shoulder.

  Ivan came out of his room, dressed more neatly than she’d ever seen him, in a fitted dark blue suit. He straightened his jacket.

  “You look smart,” Stephanie commented, feeling suddenly self-conscious in her high-waisted pants, singlet, and leather jacket. She looked nice. She was designed that way. But he looked... nicer. Formal.

  Her hands twitched and she saw herself cross the room, hands going to the edges of his jacket as she pushed it down his arms, the suit fabric falling to the ground at his feet.

  She blinked.

  She was standing still, in the dining area.

  Ivan shrugged a brown leather satchel over one shoulder. “Are you ready?”

  She held up her wrist, showing him the ancient coms unit she wore. After everything that had happened, she’d finally trusted him enough to let him go out on the station alone. He’d bought the device - apparently without trouble - and she’d hacked the ID settings. Attaching the implanted section, so that the device could be powered bio-mechanically, had caused problems. The knot of scar tissue she’d created when hacking out her old coms was difficult to bypass, but Ivan had done it.

  He hadn’t even asked her how or why she’d made a mess of her wrist. He had frowned and glanced down at his knees, perhaps wondering how she’d managed to avoid butchering him.

  She cleared her throat. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

  He nodded.

  They exited the ship together, locking up behind them.

  Stephanie followed a step behind Ivan, head low. They walked through the station together, heading to the shuttle drop point.

  She focused on keeping her breathing slow and steady.

  She wasn’t nervous.

  They were going to catch a shuttle to the planet without any problems.

  They got to the check-in area and Stephanie reached for Ivan, wrapping her arm around his. Through the barrier of her leather jacket and his suit jacket, she could barely feel a hint of his emotions.

  I’m not going to hurt him like this, she thought. It won’t make my symptoms worse, either. So long as I don’t touch anyone skin to skin, it will be fine.

  Ivan glanced down at her, eyes wide in surprise.

  She smiled up at him.

  They scanned their coms at the entrance.

  She let go of him so that they could walk, one by one, through the security screen. The killer’s suit shielded the minor weapons she carried. Nothing flashy like a sniper rifle or a bomb. He was the weapon.

  The security scan cleared them and she walked through. Ivan held his arm out to her and she linked her arm through his again. She wasn’t shaking.

  They boarded the shuttle without incident, finding their seats and strapping in.

  Stephanie glanced around the small shuttle at the other occupants, wondering what business they had planet side. Were they travelers? Or were they returning home? There was no way to tell just by looking.

  They didn’t speak as the shuttle dropped toward the landing pad.

  She glanced at Ivan from time to time. The crease between his brows grew deeper and deeper.

  They landed.

  Left the shuttle. Arm in arm again.

  She felt him leaning into her as much as she leaned on him. The tension in his arm went all the way up his shoulder and into his jaw. She looked up at him. The muscle in his jaw popped out in sharp relief. Was he grinding his teeth?

  They strapped into their seats on the elevator.

  Her stomach jumped in her throat before the dampeners kicked in.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Traveling down into the well?” He slanted a crooked grin in her direction. A dimple creased one cheek. He looked cocky and self-assured, so why did she know it was an act?

  “I’m sorry to make you do this.”

  “It’s okay, maybe we’ll find something this time.”

  “I hope so.”

  Guilt twinged at Stephanie’s stomach. She looked away, staring across the room at the view screen as they plummeted through the clouds. They weren’t going to find the answers that Ivan was looking for... She made a promise to him, in her heart.

  When we find Sanctuary, I’ll tell you everything.

  She couldn’t bear to see him in pain like this, after everything he’d done. She shook her head. No, she had to tell him the truth. For Caroline. Not because she cared about him for herself. She cared about him for Caroline.

  Then why does your stomach hurt? Maia asked.

  * * *

  “It’s stupid, I know.” Ivan said, unlocking the door to the small, white cabin beside the lake.

  Stephanie stepped inside, looking around the living room. It was small, the sofa taking up half the available space. An entertainment system took up one side of the room, a bay window took up another. The roof slanted down toward the kitchen, with its breakfast nook.

  “Which room was Caroline’s?” she asked.

  “This way,” he crossed the room, leading her to a doorway beside the kitchen. He opened the door, gesturing her in before him.

  Stephanie felt emotion well up in the back of her throat, too complicated and overwhelming for her to put a name to the feelings. Tears pricked at her eyes and a laugh bubbled up from somewhere inside.

  A pink, zebra printed fur rug sat on the floor.

  A beaded lamp sat beside the bed, next to a turtle.

  “Here,” Ivan crossed the room. He tapped the turtle on its head.

  Stars exploded around her, a galaxy, floating nebulae. The images projected around her from the turtle’s back.

  Ivan turned around, stars projected across his face like glowing freckles.

  He took a step toward Stephanie, the stars shifting across his face.

  Her breath caught in her throat.

  No wonder Caroline loved him.

  She turned away.

  A bookshelf covered one wall, filled to bursting with paperbacks and comic books.

  “She never did like reading devices,” Stephanie shook her head.

  “I always thought print was an acquired taste,” Ivan said, standing beside her.

  “She said that reading devices were cold.”

  “What do you think?”

  Stephanie shook her head. She couldn’t even remember the last book she read. She picked a paperback up off the shelf, paging through it absentmindedly

  “Have you read any of these?” she asked.

  “Some of them.”

  He picked a book up, paging through it the way she had done.

  She put her book back on the shelf.

  “Where should we start?”

  “I’ve been through her things a million times, it feels like.” He sighed, putting the book back on the shelf. “Maybe something here will mean something more to you.”

  Stephanie shrugged. “I hope so.”

  “I’ll leave you to it. I should call some people, let them know I’m visiting.”

  “What will you tell them?”

  He tilted his head to the side.

  “About what you’re doing here,” she clarified.

  “Maybe I’ll tell them the truth for
a change,” he chuckled.

  Stephanie smiled. “Which version of the truth?”

  He reached a hand out, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Warmth flooded her at his touch. She couldn’t tell if the feeling was hers or his.

  “Maybe, I’ll tell them that I met a beautiful girl who wanted to see my home planet.”

  She stood there, frozen, for what felt like a long time after he left, but was probably only a moment.

  She shook herself, trying to clear her dazed vision.

  She turned around, turned the turtle galaxy display off.

  She sat down on the bed.

  Where should I start? She wondered.

  Where do you think Caroline would hide her secrets?

  I don’t know. I don’t think she had any secrets until she came here.

  So, what does she have here that she didn’t have at home?

  Stephanie stood up, pacing around the room. Everything was different. Different but still kind of the same. The same Caroline with her love of kitschy things. She glanced down at the rug. It was almost identical to the one she’d gotten for her...