I know I shouldn’t be defensive of the men I have actually dated. While some of them were total losers, they weren’t bad men. I know I may not have the world’s best judgment when it comes to men, but seriously, I think I could pick a psychopath out of a crowd. But, I guess there is always that chance of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
“Honestly, Callie, I wouldn’t peg any of the men I have dated for something like this. They just came off as innocent people. Maybe I am just naive.” I shrug my shoulders and go back to packing up the DVD’s I have scattered all across the living room floor. My cell phone starts ringing across the room and Callie takes it upon herself to answer it.
“Aurora Alexander’s phone,” she says to the caller, quickly followed by “oh, one minute please.” she covers the mouthpiece and walks in my direction. “Chris McKenzie?” Callie says as she hands the phone over. My excitement spikes knowing that Jackson has obviously called about that rental before I had the opportunity to drop everything and do it.
“Miss Alexander, it is great to finally have some interest in our rental. It has been empty for almost six months and we were beginning to think no one would ever want to move in!” The man on the other end exclaims, and the excitement in his voice makes my stomach flip flop. “Jackson gave me a call and updated me on the situation and we would love to have you move in. We really just are looking for someone to cover the cost of the mortgage now, which is $690 a month. How about we call it even at $700?”
My heart drops into my stomach because I pay $800 a month right now in our tiny little condo. There, Liam and I will have an entire house. I will be able to take all of my extra stuff out of storage and put it in the garage cutting another monthly bill. It is almost too good to be true.
“Wow, well… I will take it! When is it available?” Then the dread hits. Security deposits, first and last month’s rent for a deposit. Adding it all up, the money grows, and the thoughts of my lacking savings account flash in my mind over and over again.
“We can meet up tomorrow for you to sign the lease and grab the keys. Whenever you want to start moving in, you can.” Chris says with almost a relieved tone. I can’t imagine having to pay for months on end for a home you aren’t even living in. I know it would suck big time. Before the call disconnects, I need to pry more about the security.
“Mr. McKenzie? What about the security deposit?” I question, holding my breath waiting for a reply.
“Don’t worry about that, Jackson has that covered.” For someone I’ve just met, this really doesn’t sit right with me, but I am not going to take it up with my future landlord, that is for damn sure. “He is going to cut us a deal on the landscaping.” Chris quickly adds. I am relieved a bit, but still wondering why he would do something like this. We just met.
“Thanks, so much. What time would you like to meet tomorrow?” I ask.
“How about noon at the house? I can give you the grand tour and you can make sure it is something that is going to fit you.”
“I will see you then.”
My excitement is through the roof.
Liam and I got the house. I just hope he is as excited as I am about moving.
“What do you mean you are moving?” Colin asks across the dinner table. Liam sits next to his dad completely oblivious to the conversation we are having. Between his iPad and his favorite dinner he is in a world of bliss.
I don’t want to argue with Colin about this, but I did forget about the stipulations in our custody agreement about big changes. He didn’t though and I am sure he was going to try and hold this against me. Just like he holds everything against me, always has.
“Colin, I just don’t feel safe here after what happened this weekend. I didn’t think you would object to me moving into an actual house. It is perfect for Liam, he will have a yard!” My voice slowly gets louder and I realize for once I am finally standing up to him without even thinking about it.
“Aurora, how are you going to be able to afford this. I don’t need you taking me back to court for more child support because you make irresponsible choices.” I could dive across the table and stab him in his dark brown eyes with a fork. And for a moment, I am lost in the actual images of doing it. He makes me feel nothing short of homicidal. Fucker.
“First off, Colin, my finances aren’t any of your business. You pay fucking pennies in child support compared to some people I know, so don’t even go there. Second, if I have to take you back to court just to be able to move into a more suitable and safe home for Liam, you bet your ass there is going to be a price tag on it because what I can’t afford is a lawyer bill for something so idiotic.” I point my fork in his direction, “stop being a dick and just realize as an adult this is the best for Liam and me.” Not like he gives a rat’s ass about what is best for me. Hell, I even question if he cares about Liam sometimes since he is so damn selfish.
“Daddy, when do I get to see Miss Jillian again?” Liam interrupts the conversation, and now my blood begins to boil as I question what exactly their visits have consisted of since I started to allow him more time with Colin. Mainly because he expressed more interest in spending time with his son, but now I suspect ulterior motives.
“Yeah, who is Miss Jillian, Colin?” I ask, and he shoves a bite of food in his mouth hoping to avoid the conversation. How quickly the tables can turn.
“She kisses Daddy how you used to, Mommy.” Bingo, child. If there is something Liam really is good for is his unfiltered adolescent mouth.
“Oh really? Does Miss Jillian sleep in Daddy’s bed?” Colin’s eyes go wide and he tries to speak with a mouthful of food.
“Yes, she lives in Daddy’s house all the time now.” Liam happily goes about his iPad business taking joy in beating the next level of Angry birds.
“Very interesting, Colin. It seems like there are a number of reasons for us to go back to court. Doesn’t seem like you are adhering to your side of the custody order.” I smile because I am pretty sure I just won this whole argument.
“Colin, I don’t want to fight with you over all of this. I just want to be able to co-parent Liam without a bunch of court and bullshit. If you want to grow up and open up our lines of communication, awesome. If not, I will do what is right for Liam and take you back to court.” He continues to sit in silence, obviously trying to pick his next move.
“Mommy, I really like Miss Jillian. She is the nicest out of Daddy’s girlfriends. I didn’t like the other ones, but Miss Jillian takes me for ice cream and cooks me yummy food like you do.” Liam adds, as he flings another bird.
“Liam why don’t you bring your game up to your room and get ready for bed?” I try and buy myself a few extra minutes to finish this conversation. I hate to even bring this kind of stuff up with Liam around, but Colin and I really don’t spend any time together that doesn’t involve our boy. In fact, this dinner has been the longest amount of time we have spent in the same room since we divorced.
“Aurora, look. I don’t want to creep around. I don’t want to fight or argue, okay? We both want what is best for Liam. We married when we were young and we didn’t know what we wanted. There is nothing wrong with us moving on with our lives.” I remember him starting an argument with me just a while back when I started dating and it just pisses me off that he has the audacity to say this shit.
“Colin, what the hell? When that asshole from work found my Fish in the Sea profile you pitched a fit!”
“A, relax. I was just taken off guard. I didn’t expect you being ready to move on. You took everything so hard when we divorced.” He admits, as he starts to push the remainder of his dinner around on his plate.
“Colin, YOU CHEATED ON ME! I wasn’t ready for divorce. I thought we would be together forever, but it all fucking fell apart! Pardon my damn language, but this whole conversation is just…” I can’t even find words.
“Aurora, this conversation is due. We never had it. We never communicated. We ignored all of this. We just went our own ways and got
on with life however we could. I know I was wrong, but we were so young. We never were with anyone but each other. You can’t honestly say you are shocked by everything that happened.”
Shocked? No. I just never wanted to think it would come to this. I guess no one who gets married right after high school wants to admit this is the most likely outcome.
“Colin, whatever. Seriously, I don’t care about all of that anymore. I just want to make sure I am doing what is best for Liam and I expect you to do the same. I don’t want a line of women being paraded around him because he is only going to get confused. It is going to hurt him when this Jillian doesn’t stick around like the ones before her. He clearly likes her.” I think of the heartbreak my son will experience because I know what kind of a rotating door Colin has.
“Aurora, she isn’t leaving. She’s pregnant.” Colin quietly admits.
“FUCK! Colin. You have to leave. Just… Just go say goodnight to Liam and get out.” I take a deep breathe and try and process the information my ex-husband just dumped in my lap.
“And by the damn way, Colin. I am moving and there isn’t shit you can say or do about it. Especially now!” I stomp down the hallway and close myself in the downstairs closet of a bathroom. I don’t want to be shaken by all of this, but after the past couple days I have had, the tears begin.
My ex-husband has happily moved on my son loves the woman in his life and I am sure it is only a matter of time before he is smart enough to like her more than me. My heart shatters into as many pieces as it did the day I found out Colin was cheating on me. I know this shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was ready to move on with my life, but this is all just too much. I need a time out from real life. I need a pause button on the roller coaster my life has become in the last week.
I stare at myself in the mirror as the tears roll down my face, everything in the wake becoming red and puffy. Once again this man has the ability to make my world completely crumble, even though I know I shouldn’t even allow him to make a dent in the wall I have put up against my feelings. I wish I could really just turn all my emotions off. It would make my life so much easier.
A light knock sounds on the door and interrupts me. My sniffles sound through the tight bathroom and I ask who is there.
“I know you don’t want to see or talk to me, Aurora, and I am sorry this all came out this way. I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you over the years. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. Liam is tucked in bed. Go give him the hug and kiss he is asking for and we will talk more this week. I want to keep our communications open and no matter what you think I don’t want to hurt you anymore, A.”
I can hear his footsteps echo through the first floor of the house until the front door opens and closes. I open the door and scuffle out of the bathroom to lock the front door then climb the stairs to tuck my little boy in. I can only hope that Colin is finally being honest. Maybe it isn’t too much to think he is finally becoming an adult.
“Mommy, I missed you sooooooooooo much!” Liam says when I round the corner into his room. I sit down on the edge of the bed and run my hand through his shaggy dark brown locks.
“I miss you too, buddy. A whole ton!” I take the iPad from the bed, and pull the covers up. “I get so bored without you home.” I laugh and press a kiss to his forehead.
“Mommy, why are we moving?” Liam asks while he looks around the superhero bedroom I took a month to decorate for him. I am sure he is already upset he is going to have to leave his cave of coolness behind, as he calls it.
“I found this really neat house. It has a big yard, and there are tons of little kids your age who live in the neighborhood. Doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun than all the old people who live in our complex now?” I smile as his face lights up at the mention of other kids. Something he has constantly been asking for since we moved out of the house Colin and I brought him home from the hospital in. The home I thought we would have grown our family in.
“I guess that sounds like a cool place.” Liam admits. I guess he is too cool to get overly excited about the possibilities the new house holds for us. That is definitely something that he has gotten from his father. I can’t hide my excitement about anything. All my emotions are constantly worn on my face, which is exactly why I wouldn’t open the bathroom door for Colin to see exactly how his choices and changes in life have had a personal impact on me. Even after we are divorced.
“Mommy will make you an awesome new superhero room in the new house and we will also have an awesome space for a real play room so we can take a ton of your toys out of the storage unit now!” And with that, he is totally on board for the new move.
“Sleep tight baby boy.” I give him another kiss and stand up from the bed.
“Mommy, I’m not the baby anymore. Daddy and Jillian’s baby is the baby of the family.” A tear slips from my eye and I try to hide it from my little boy. I shouldn’t let him know how much Colin’s life is impacting me.
“Oh, Liam… you will always be my baby boy.” I smile and close his bedroom door before sliding down the wall to sit on the floor in the hallway and having my second good cry of the day. But this time it isn’t about Colin or all the ideas I once had for life, it is about my future and watching my little boy growing up knowing I want to be able to build a bigger family but knowing I will likely end up alone in the end.
As I am getting ready for bed, the last nights we will be in this condo before the big move, the same move I am completely underprepared for I make myself comfortable in the sitting room at the front of the house to read a book. I would be lying if I told you it was some kind of fantasy action adventure. In reality, I am just another hopeless romantic reading steamy romance novels hoping that one day it will become my life. Tonight my book boyfriend is Jared in Changing His Game, by the wonderful Justine Elvira. God, her books just make me melt
I am deep into this book when I hear a noise outside the front window. Normally I would try and ignore something like this, but after the break in, I just can’t ignore something like that. Without missing a beat, I stand up and make my way to the front door, securing the lock which is something I should have done hours ago when I got Liam ready for bed, but with everything else on my plate… I just freaking forgot.
I walk back into the living room and pick my kindle back up from where I sat on the couch, jumping back into the erotic love story of a porn star and the virginal assistant who had no idea what she was getting herself into. The scenes get steamier and I am half tempted to take care of a little business when I hear another noise outside of the window. My heart begins to race and I am too scared to go to the window and look out. I know it is probably a neighborhood cat, but even thinking about Mrs. Powell’s strays isn’t going to help put me at rest tonight.
Instead of continuing my book, I mark my spot and go upstairs to spy out of the window in my bedroom and hope I can see the front of my condo from there.
When I finally make my way into my bedroom and nosily peer out the window, I can’t see anything but the back of a blond man who is walking to a pickup truck parked in the lot. Seems pretty harmless, I think to myself and give up on any kind of reading for the night.
Maybe I need to see someone about this anxiety I am having?
Maybe get on some medication, so I am not so flippin’ paranoid all the damn time.
Logging onto Facebook I notice a message notification. Opening my inbox I see a link from Callie, messaged nearly two hours ago. The title of the CNN news article, Modern Day Dangers of Online Dating. Lovely. As if I wasn’t down enough on myself already. Instead of sitting here and reading through everything I just take the time to scan the article, checking out every point that is highlight in bold print.
Diseases in the Age of Careless Sex
He Isn’t Who He Says
When He Doesn’t Understand No
The Reality of True Love
Skip the Net
But it is the last bold that catche
s my attention the most: When it Becomes Obsession. Which includes recent news stories and links of online dating gone wrong. Mainly with murders. My heart skips a couple beats before jumping up into my throat. I can’t help but wonder if the break in to my house could have been more had that person actually found me at home.
Instead of closing my laptop, I click on my web browser and open up my Fish in the Sea account with one and only goal in mind. Canceling my account and praying I haven’t already done too much damage when it comes to the scary world of online dating. Yes, for many people it may just be fine, but clearly I am the one percent of the population that just attracts the fucking unstable nutcases!
Before I click on the cancel button, I notice one message sitting in my inbox. It isn’t the norm. In fact every time before this I have logged on, I have had lots of messages. Ten, fifteen, even more on some occasions. I go back and forth in my mind, almost not caring who sent me a message but just like in the weeks past, I can’t keep myself from looking. The one plus is I don’t obsessively check my messages like I once did when I first started on this stupid website.
I am glad that I opened my inbox because the one message left hanging is from Jeremy, the man I constantly put on the back burner. I don’t plan on striking up a romantic relationship with him, but it would be rude of me not to reply.
Aurora,
Once again I am sorry I’ve gone missing in action. I’ve had to travel home to deal with
a loss in my family. It seems like fate is not on our side at all huh? I hope you can accept my apology.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Jeremy
I feel bad for everything he has had to deal with. A loss must have really sucked, I mean… whether he was close to the person or not, no one really wants to deal with a family member passing away. Even though I am going to delete my account, I type out a quick message to him including my cell phone number. It will be the only way he can get ahold of me after this.
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