Crazy Beautiful (Crazy Beautiful #1)

by Jessica Huizenga

  “Yup, that’s me.”

  “So how long have you and Lucas been . . . friends?” She spits that last word as if it’s leaving a bad taste in her mouth.

  “I don’t know. A couple of months maybe?” I mentally kick myself for how lame that sounds. I was going for laid-back, but I think it reads more as defensive.

  She leans against the wall next to me. “I just hope you know what you’re doing. Lucas isn’t really the type to settle down, if you know what I mean.” I don’t know if she’s genuinely trying to look out for me or if she’s just being catty, but I decide to play nice.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m not either. Seriously, we’re just friends. I think he might be ready for more of a relationship with someone soon, though, but trust me, it’s not with me.” The more I say it out loud, maybe the more it will be true. It’s almost comical that I actually thought for a second I stood a chance.

  Chelsea looks relieved, as if I’ve just dismissed her worst fear. “Really? You think so? Because I thought he seemed different the other night when he came to help me. I couldn’t tell what he was getting at, but he said he would tell me soon. Now it might make perfect sense.”

  The way she looks so hopeful makes me feel sick. I think to myself, Yeah, he just needs to find a way to remove his current emotionally unavailable albatross—me.

  Of course he would choose to be with someone like Chelsea. She’s more than capable of giving him the love that he needs. I really have no reason to be upset . . . I don’t think I can give him what she is clearly ready for.

  But for the first time in a long time I wish more than anything I could.

  I force a smile. “I hope it works out.”

  Thankfully the bathroom becomes available, so I use my last ounce of composure to shuffle into the bathroom before clutching the sink as I try to get enough air to fill my lungs. I thought I was ready to open up and let someone into my soul . . . even as a friend. But this is just another reminder that it’s less painful to keep them shut out. Completely. If I only have to rely on myself, I can’t get hurt. I should know better by now.

  I look up to stare at my reflection in the mirror. From the corner of my eye I can see the couch Lucas and I christened earlier. Now all I can think of is Chelsea and him on it, sharing the same passion and need for each other, and the thought makes my heart constrict.

  As confused and hurt as I feel, though, this is still a big night for Lucas, Logan, and Erik so I won’t cause a scene. I look to the mirror to give myself a pep talk. “Pull it together, Kins. Just get through the rest of dinner and then you can fall apart. Stick to the plan, end this before you act any crazier, and then you can go back to your normal, isolated life.”

  I take a deep breath and head back toward the table, not even daring to glance at Chelsea as I quickly make my way past.

  I slide into my seat and avoid making eye contact with Lucas as much as possible. As if he can sense the change in my demeanor, he gently squeezes my knee and forces me to look at him. I plaster on the biggest, fakest smile I can muster and then busy myself with the food that has arrived in front of me. Lucas acknowledges me with his own half-smile, although I can tell he looks concerned. Erik then starts asking Luc about some figure for their estimated revenue, which thankfully draws his attention away from me. Things seem to be going well and as bad as I feel, I would never want to ruin this meeting for them.

  Chelsea returns to her own seat a moment later and smiles at me as if we’re new best friends. The fact that I could ever have let myself believe I could be the one for Luc is enough to make me lose my dinner.

  Thank heavens the negotiations kick into high gear and all the men stay occupied for the remainder of the meal. At some point, Lucas’ hand find its way back to my leg, and I let him keep it there, but I don’t return the favor this time. I both need and hate his touch right now.

  After what feels like forever, Jack stands up and claps Erik on the back. “We certainly have a lot to think about. You boys have a damn fine idea here, and once Theo and I get a chance to talk to the rest of our people, we’ll be in touch.” Logan and Luc stand to shake hands with Jack and Theo. Both men nod toward me and Chelsea, and Theo mutters a “Good luck” as he passes me to leave. As soon as they are out of earshot, Logan and Erik start high-fiving.

  “I’d say that went well. They were impressed.” Logan finishes off his glass of scotch before setting it down on the table and relaxing into his chair.

  “Man, I feel like celebrating. Who wants to head out for some drinks?” Erik motions to himself. “On me, of course.”

  Lucas leans back and loosens his tie before glancing over to me and furrowing his brow. “I think we’re going to get going, but thanks for the offer.”

  We both stand and say our goodbyes to the table. Lucas puts his hand on the small of my back to lead me out the door. He gives his ticket to the valet and we stand quietly as his car is driven around. Lucas opens the passenger door for me and I slip inside. He gets in the driver’s seat, and eases us out of the parking lot.

  The drive to the cottage is short, and the entire ride is spent in complete silence. After Lucas pulls his car into the drive, he shuts off the ignition before turning his head to look at me.

  “Kins? Do you want to tell me what happened tonight?” He sounds tired and concerned, his voice soft.

  I’m not sure what I want to say, so I try to stall. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I thought we were having a great night, and then you went to use the bathroom and when you came back you seemed different. Upset. Did something happen?”

  I fidget with my hands in my lap, trying to focus on some detached distraction enough to clear my head. I need to do this—for both of us—I’m just not sure how to start.

  So much for taking charge of the situation.

  I’m sure he can feel the air shift in the car as my hands tense and I hold my breath. I look back down to my lap, searching for the right words. I should be happy that Lucas is finally ready to give love a shot, but the fact that it’s not with me still tugs at my heart. If I know one thing about Lucas it’s that he’s loyal. He won’t want to let me down by breaking our deal, so I have to be the one to let him go.

  “I want you to know I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you these past few weeks.”

  I can see Lucas’ Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows thickly. “What are you getting at, Kins?”

  “I think that it’s time for us both to move on. We’ve had our fun and it was great, but we know it’s not going anywhere. I told you from the start I wasn’t looking for a relationship, so this really shouldn’t come as a surprise.”

  . . . Except our relationship has been nothing but surprising.

  He gets really quiet before saying, “So that’s it . . . we’re done? Just like that?”

  I don’t enjoy seeing him look so confused. It’s as if he can’t believe it’s going to be that easy. As much as it pains me to have to do this, it’s the only way to save us both. I can feel myself falling for this man a little more each minute I spend with him, and I’m afraid it would be my undoing if I were to lose him down the road. I can’t trust that I’m enough for him, and I can’t guarantee I can fully let him in. Tonight proves that. We both know what it’s like to lose those close to us, and from the intensity of our short time together I can tell if anything really bad happened between us, neither of us could recover. Despite everything, I still deeply care for Lucas, and don’t want to ever see him hurt. I’m doing this to save us. Better to stop things while we’ll only get bruised rather than completely wrecked.

  “I think it will be easier for us both to end this now, while things are still good. It was fun while it lasted, but we both knew it would have to end eventually. We can still be friends, just without the benefits . . .”

  Seriously? Could I make this sound any more lame? I’m desperately trying to hold onto some part of him, but I know that would just be torture for me. Just give him a
clean break, Kins.

  He shakes his head and lets out a derisive chuckle before getting serious again. “I can’t just be your friend anymore, Kinsley.”

  Ouch. “OK. I get that.” It comes out as barely a whisper. “Thanks for showing me a good time, Luc. I really hope you find someone who deserves you.”

  And with that I get out of the car, forcing myself to not look back no matter how much I want to—just to look into his intense, hazel eyes one more time. To let him see right into me as if we are the only two people in the world in this moment and neither the past nor the future mean anything.

  I unlock the cottage door with shaking hands, and sink to the floor as it closes behind me.

  My mouth is dry, my heart aches, and my vision blurs as tears start to stream down my face in silent agony. It’s as if someone just punched me in the stomach repeatedly until it hurts so bad I’ve gone numb again.

  So much for just getting bruised.

  Lucas

  It’s been four weeks since Kinsley ripped my heart out and stomped on it, and whoever said that bullshit about time healing all wounds is a fucking liar. I feel just as shitty today as I did that night, and have felt this way every single day in between.

  And you want to know the really messed up part?

  I still fucking love her.

  And there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. She wanted out, and I let her go. That was the deal.

  There’s a knock at my apartment door but I don’t give a shit. I simply cover my head with one of my pillows. I’ve been laying in this bed for the better part of these past few weeks. I keep smelling Kinsley’s hair on the pillows, and it drives me insane. But that doesn’t stop me from inhaling as deeply as I possibly can. Nothing else matters or feels worth getting up for. Not work, not dinner with my dad. I keep making excuses that I have some sort of bug I can’t shake. It’s easier than explaining what really happened, and it keeps people away. I know I’m being a complete pussy letting a girl get to me like this, but it’s not just any girl. It’s Kinsley. My girl.

  And that’s the real kick in the balls. She never really was mine, was she?

  I hear a key jiggle in the lock before the door opens and footsteps pound down the hall.

  “Dude. You look like shit.”

  “Thanks, bro. You can leave the same way you came in.” My voice comes out muffled from under the pillows. Leave it to Ryan to not show any sympathy.

  “So you’re still not going to tell me what happened with Kinsley?”

  At the sound of her name, I spring into protective mode and turn to sit up on my elbows. “Who said anything happened with her?”

  “Come on, Luc. If anybody has the ability to make you completely lose your mind, it’s her. You never go off the grid like this. Logan said the deal with DSGN went through and he could barely get ahold of you to sign the papers.”

  I sigh and fall back against the pillows, squeezing my eyes shut while pinching my thumb and forefinger over the bridge of my nose. “It’s nothing. I’ve just been sick.”

  “Oh, you’re fucking sick all right.”

  “Shut up.” I fling a pillow in his direction.

  “That’s it, you leave me no choice.” I hear him pull something from his pocket and I open my eyes to see him tap the screen on his phone before holding it up to his ear.

  “Hey Eli, it’s me.”

  “Seriously? You’re calling my dad on me?”

  He tilts the phone away from his mouth and smirks. “Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.”

  I roll away from him and mutter a few choice curse words under my breath.

  About twenty minutes later I can hear Ryan leave as he says goodbye to my dad, who must have just gotten here. I hear some clattering in the kitchen so I decide to get up and get this over with. As I make my way down the hall, I can smell coffee brewing as my dad stands by the counter making a pair of sandwiches.

  “Ry was right. You look like hell.”

  “He didn’t have to call you. I’m fine, Dad.” I slump down onto the barstool and rest my head on my hands.

  “Cut the crap, Lucas.” He slides a plate with a giant turkey sandwich toward me. My mouth instantly waters—I haven’t felt much like eating lately, but by the way my stomach growls I guess it’s hungry. “Eat this and then tell me what you did to screw things up with Kinsley.”

  I take a big bite of the sandwich and then shoot my dad an incredulous look. “What makes you think it was my fault?”

  “So this does have to do with her.” He grins, knowing I fell right into his trap. Damn.

  No use trying to lie now. I finish half of the sandwich before setting the rest down on my plate. I take a deep breath, not sure where to begin. “There’s not much to tell. She gave up on us. That’s it. Game over.”

  Except I didn’t want it to be a game anymore.

  I maybe tried to change the rules, but look how well that worked out for me.

  “Do you want it to be over?”

  “Of course not. I lov—I still care about her.”

  “And yet you just let her walk away? Who really gave up here?” My dad looks at me with a stern yet sympathetic look.

  I let out a frustrated sigh. “What was I supposed to do? She said she doesn’t want a relationship and I don’t know how to fix that.”

  “Sounds like you’re not really showing her that it’s anything worth having, there, kid. How is she supposed to trust you care about her if you won’t even try to talk to her, let alone fight for her.”

  I really hate it when he makes sense.

  “I don’t want to push her. Maybe she really is better off without me.” I think back to the emptiness I saw in Kinsley’s eyes as she told me it was just fun. I helped put that look there by not arguing to the contrary, and I’ve hated myself every second since. I wanted to fight. I wanted to pull her into my arms and never let her go. But she was so distant I didn’t want to upset her more. If she doesn’t want to be with me . . . well I just want her to be happy. It’s not fair for me to assume she’s ready for more just because I am. I knew her expectations going in, so what right do I have forcing her into something else?

  “Let me tell you something, Luc. That girl is a lot stronger than you’re giving her credit for. But she needs you. Anyone can see that. Did it ever occur to you that when she’s pulling away, that’s when you need to hold on tighter? She’s lost more in her short life so far than most should have to deal with, it’s no wonder she’s scared to let someone in. And I know it’s hard for you to let another women into your life since we lost your mother, so I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But you have to ask yourself if she’s worth it.”

  I don’t need to think about it. “She’s worth everything.”

  “Good. Now show her that.”

  He tousles my hair like he used to when I was a kid before turning to clean up the kitchen.

  Now I see what a royal douchebag I’ve been. Kinsley needs me just as much as I need her, and I have to let her know I won’t give up on us ever again—not for anything.

  “So how do you think I can show her—Dad?” As I turn back to ask my father for a little more advice, my heart crashes right to my feet as I see him lean over and grab his chest. I rush around the counter to grab him before he falls, but he’s dead weight in my arms as he slumps toward the ground, unconscious.

  Kinsley

  You know that feeling you get in the morning—that space between awake and dreaming where you’re aware of what’s going on, but it all seems hazy?

  That’s how I’ve felt for the past month away from Lucas.

  I’m conscious, but it all seems fuzzy. I work just to get through the day, and sleep is a sweet escape where I can dream of being back in his warm, safe arms. The past few days have been cloudy and dreary as if even mother nature can feel the brokenness of my heart.

  So many times I’ve picked up my phone to call or text him to tell him some silly something about my day. Bu
t then I remember he’s no longer a part of me, and I put the phone back down. We can’t even go back to being just friends. I did this, and there’s no taking it back.

  As much as we teased about it, I guess I didn’t realize until it was too late that he really had become my best friend. The person I could laugh with and talk to. The person I could be comfortable with. The person I could maybe someday love.

  Quitting Lucas is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know one word—one look—from him would weaken my defenses all over again. It’s best to go cold turkey, as much as it sucks.

  Kelley has also gone into overprotective mode, finding excuses to check-in on me regularly. We’ve always been close, but it’s not unusual for us to go a week or two without seeing each other. Lately, however, I seem to find her at the cottage nearly every day. I like to pretend I’m holding it together pretty well, but she isn’t buying it.

  Today she brought me lunch, saying she just so happened to be in the area. Riight.

  “Come on, eat up, Kins.”

  I stab at a few pieces of chicken in my salad. “I’m just not that hungry right now.” She gives me a stern look, causing me to take a bite. “Happy?” I say with a mouthful of lettuce.

  Kelley beams as if she’s just won an argument. “Yes, thank you. And just for that, you even get dessert.” She whips out a bottle of cotton candy flavored vodka from her purse and pours some into our half-empty glasses of lemonade already sitting on the table.

  I’m still not a drinker, but somehow today seems like a good day to give it a try. In my attempt to control my feelings, I ended up even more hurt and alone, so a lot of good that did me. Now I just want to forget the pain.

  I down the majority of my cup, and Kelley follows suit.

  We sit in silence for a minute, each continuing to chew on our own meals . . . and thoughts.

  Finally, Kelley speaks up. “Are you ready to tell me what happened?”

  I think about that for a second. Part of me could really use a chance to get it all out in the open, but there’s another part of me that is embarrassed by how I acted.