Ray of Light

by E. L. Todd

  He seemed sincere so I let it go. “It’s okay.”

  “I just…” Ryker never struggled to get his words out. He was usually eloquent and quick on his feet. “Never mind.”

  “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Disappointment was on his face, but he didn’t make a further argument. “Okay.”

  I stepped around him to the door.

  Ryker grabbed me again. “No kiss goodbye?”

  “Not when we’re at work.” I pulled away and kept walking.

  “Then you better make up for it later.” His playful smile had returned.

  The Ryker I’d fallen for was back. “Ten times over.”

  ***

  The second I walked in the door, he was all over me. His hands were in my hair and his lips suffocated mine. His dick was hard like he’d been thinking about me before I even walked inside.

  He picked me up and carried me to his bedroom, his lips running down my neck.

  I’d never felt sexier with another man. Ryker made me feel special, like I drove him wild with desire. And he did it without the use of words.

  The second I was on the bed, he pulled my clothes off, stripping me down until I was naked and ready to go. He only had his sweatpants on, so he kicked those aside and climbed on top of me.

  He pressed his face to the area between my legs and did all the things I loved with his tongue. He made me forget about everything else in the world and had me focus on him alone. I lay back and writhed as he pleased me in such a profound way.

  When I was just on the verge of release, he stopped and climbed on top of me, separating my thighs with his as he prepared to enter me. His cock was rock-hard and eager.

  He sucked my bottom lip and nibbled on it gently before he inserted his tip inside me. My slickness was abundant so he had an easy time squeezing through. Once he was completely inside me, he released the loudest moan I’ve ever heard. “Fuck.”

  His cock felt even better without latex. I could feel his hardness with more definition, and the way he slid back and forth was even more tantalizing. My nails ran down his back as he moved.

  He rocked into me with long, even strokes. Sometimes he would slow down to kiss me, planting soft caresses to the corner of my mouth. Then he would speed up again, looking me in the eye as he rocked.

  Within minutes, my body tensed then released. I screamed and dug my nails into his back, loving the fact that every single orgasm he gave me lasted forever. They were powerful and made my spine ache from the intensity.

  Ryker prepared for his moment. He separated my legs farther and gave slow strokes, breathing hard and preparing for the blast. Grunts came from the back of his throat as he moved.

  I grabbed his ass and pulled him farther into me. “Come inside me.”

  That was the trigger to his threshold. He pressed his face to mine as he released, filling me with his warmth. There was a distinct heaviness inside me, and the fact that his seed was so abundant turned me on all over again.

  When he was finished, he stayed on top of me, his dick softening inside me. Sweat was on his chest, and I kissed it away. He continued to breathe hard before he slowly pulled out of me. He turned over and lay on his back, his eyes on the ceiling. “Shit, that was good.”

  “It really was…” Now I was ready to go to sleep.

  ***

  Ryker massaged my scalp with the shampoo, digging into my hair with his large hands. His eyes trailed over the soap suds that drifted down my body. “Did you bring a bag?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?” He kept the aggression out of his voice, but the tone was still there.

  “Because I don’t plan on sleeping over.”

  “Why don’t you want to sleep here?”

  I loved staying with Ryker. Having a hunky man to hold me all night was a dream come true. When I woke up the following morning, my day would start off right with an awesome orgasm. And the kisses he gave me were the best. I’d never been kissed like that in all my life. “I do want to sleep here. Just not every night. The weekends are fine.”

  “How are they any different than weekdays?”

  “Because I have work in the morning. I have other responsibilities with friends and family.” Basically, I had a life. Just because I had a boyfriend didn’t mean I was going to drop everyone. It was okay if I spent less time with them, but to bring it down to less than a few times a week was horrendous. I’d had friends who ditched me the second Mr. Right came along. I wasn’t going to do the same thing.

  He sighed in disappointment.

  Ryker didn’t strike me as the kind of guy who wanted a woman around all the time anyway. He seemed like a loner, wanting to do things on his own. His darkness and intensity suggested it. “Why do you want me here all the time?”

  “What kind of question is that?” He grabbed a bar of soap and rubbed it into my skin.

  “A simple one.”

  “I like being with you. I thought that was obvious.”

  “But all the time?” I asked in surprise.

  He shrugged. “I don’t get it either. And I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way.” He didn’t make eye contact with me again. He focused on scrubbing my body with the bar.

  “It’s not that I don’t feel the same way, Ryker.” I’d already allowed my walls to fall too far. If I let them come down any lower, I was afraid of what would happen. There were a hundred chains wrapped around my heart, and with every passing week, one more came loose. “I just…”

  “Just what?” he pressed.

  “I don’t want to get too deep until I know what this is.”

  His eyes returned to mine but his expression was unreadable.

  Now that the subject had been broached, I wanted him to give me an answer. What was this? We weren’t seeing anyone else and we were together, but what did that mean?

  Ryker moved the bar to his own arms and lathered the soap everywhere. “I don’t have an answer for you. All I know is, I’ve never done this before.”

  “Done what, exactly?”

  “I’ve never wanted a girl to stay over before. Sleepovers aren’t my thing. I’ve never given someone my fidelity. That’s new too. I’ve never thought about one person so much before. Usually, I forget their name soon after we’re done.” He spoke with confidence, not an ounce of shame inside him. “All of this is new territory for me. I’m just as confused as you are.”

  His words filled me like a balloon, but the lack of concrete statements also unnerved me. “What is it about me that you’re drawn to? When we first met, you moved on and forgot about me when I declined your offer. After we slept together, you still didn’t want to see me again. So, what changed after that?”

  He lathered shampoo in his hair then rinsed it out. His eyes were lifeless, hiding everything from me. The silence stretched on forever. Water splashed on the tile below our feet, making background noise. “I’m not sure, Rae. All the women I’ve been with have wanted something more. But you…you were able to walk away without any expectation in the world. The fact that you were so…confident with yourself to carry on caught me by surprise. You didn’t wait around for me, and you were even fine with your friend sleeping with me. I guess…that caught my attention. And the fact that you’re independent, strong, funny… and so many other things stuck with me. I haven’t stopped thinking about you and don’t think I can stop thinking about you. You’re different than all the others and…I’m not ignorant of that.”

  Did that mean I was special? That I meant something to him? He wanted to be around me all the time and he always treated me with respect. There was never a time when I felt like he didn’t care. “Do you see this going somewhere?”

  “That’s too advanced for me,” he said quickly. “But I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.” He ran his fingers through his hair while holding my gaze.

  “Why are you the way you are?” It was something I wanted to know for a while. I understood why Rex and Zeke were like that. They sim
ply didn’t care enough about anyone so far, but they were open to the idea of a commitment. Ryker was the complete opposite.

  “I like being alone.” He said it calmly, like it was absolutely normal to say something like that. “I like having my own space. I like getting what I need from someone then moving on with my life. I like…my freedom.”

  It was the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. “But why?”

  He shook his head. “I guess I’ve been let down a lot in the past.”

  “So, you’ve been in a relationship before?” That made me feel better. Maybe he was with someone, and she broke his heart. That wouldn’t make him cold, just scared.

  “No. Never.”

  Oh. “Then who’s let you down?”

  It was clear he wasn’t going to answer me by the look on his face. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Just when I thought he was opening up to me. “How many women have you been with?”

  A slight moment of irritation came into his eyes. “Does it matter?”

  “I’d like to know but you aren’t required to tell me anything, Ryker. Just keep in mind that while I don’t know the number, I know it’s high. And I already knew you had serious relationship issues, but I’m still here. So, you don’t need to hide who you are. I already know.”

  His eyes softened slightly, like he was remembering who was asking the question rather than the question itself. “I don’t know an exact number but probably over three hundred.”

  That’s so many…

  “But keep in mind, that’s over the course of about ten years.”

  That didn’t matter. The number was still ridiculous. “And they were all flings?”

  “Pretty much. One-timers.”

  “One-timers?”

  “One-night stands,” he explained. “I don’t usually sleep with the same person more than once. Not exciting after the first time.”

  Then why had he slept with me at least twenty times?

  He studied my face. “Do you think less of me?”

  “No,” I said automatically.

  “Are you lying to me?”

  “No.”

  He relaxed again. “I want you to know that’s not how I feel about you. I don’t know what I can offer you or where this is going, but I can at least tell you that much.”

  “I know.” It didn’t feel like a meaningless fling. Whenever we were together, it felt like a lot more, like he was my boyfriend. He kissed me for no reason at all, and he still wanted to be with me even when no sex was involved. I believed this could go somewhere if I gave it a chance. The chains around my heart were becoming brittle and fatigued from the constant strain. They wanted to come loose and give this relationship everything it deserved. Despite his issues, I’d fallen for him. There was nowhere else I’d rather be than with Ryker.

  “And for what it’s worth, I’ve never had sex without a condom before. My first time was with you.”

  “Never?” I asked with a gasp.

  He shook his head.

  “How is that possible?”

  “Because I’ve never slept with the same person enough times to allow it. So, I knew I was clean before I even took that test.”

  It wasn’t a declaration of love or a marriage proposal, but it was something. Maybe he couldn’t promise me forever, but he could at least promise me tomorrow. He showed me how he could be in the beginning of our friendship. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he moved on. But he also showed me how much he could change when he wanted to. He set his eyes on me, and he was still here. He wanted to sleep over every night. He wanted me to be his alone. He asked for monogamy because he only wanted to be with me. It was still risky, but every relationship was risky. “I think it does mean something.”

  ***

  I let Safari off the leash, and the second he was free, he sprinted into Zeke’s backyard and started running in circles. His tongue flopped around as he ran, the excitement burning in his eyes. “What a dork.”

  Zeke stood beside me, a beer in his hand. “He’s just excited to run around.”

  “I know,” I said with a sigh. “One day, I’ll get a house so he can sniff everything and pee on the bushes.”

  Zeke walked back inside and I followed him. “Where’s the dipshit?”

  “He said he had to do something before he headed over.”

  “Do what?” Zeke asked.

  I shrugged. “He didn’t tell me.” I sat on his comfy couch and grabbed my beer from the table.

  “Maybe we don’t want to know.” He gave me a knowing look.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  He sat at the opposite end of the couch. “So, what’s new with you?”

  Ryker was the only thing on my mind. Our last conversation kept playing over and over. I’d come across men who had commitment issues but nothing like this. “Nothing much.”

  Zeke knew me better than anyone, even Rex. “Something is on your mind. I can tell.”

  “How?”

  He took a long drink of his beer. “Your shoulders are more tense than usual. Your breathing is different. You sigh a lot more than you usually would. You make eye contact less frequently. It seems like your mind is somewhere else in the middle of a conversation. You touch your hair a lot, putting it behind your ears or just playing with it…”

  Damn. He knew me better than I thought. “It’s about Ryker…”

  He looked away. “Trouble in paradise?”

  “Uh…I don’t know.”

  He leaned back into the couch and looked up at the ceiling. “I can tell this is going to be complicated.”

  “It is.”

  “Lay it on me.”

  Zeke was probably a good person to talk to because he was hardly ever in a relationship. Rex was more similar to Ryker, but it was too awkward to have that kind of conversation with him. “Everything has been going well. We spend a lot of time together and there haven’t been any problems. But he pesters me to stay over all the time. Whenever I want to go home or do something else, he doesn’t want me to leave.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “It is. But then it made me wonder where our relationship was going. I’ve given our relationship a chance, but I’ve had my guard up at the same time. While I know he’s different with me, I’m not stupid.”

  “And did you ask him about it?”

  “I did.”

  Zeke turned his gaze on me and watched me for a few seconds. “I’m guessing this is where the trouble comes into play…”

  “He said he’s never had a relationship before. He’s hardly slept with the same girl twice. I’m the first girl he’s had this kind of connection with. He’s never been monogamous with anyone in his entire life.”

  “Well…it sounds like things are different with you.”

  “But he doesn’t know if he could ever give me more than what we have now. Which is fine, I guess. But what if…”

  “What if what?”

  I fall in love with him. “Things become more serious.”

  Zeke set his beer down and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “I don’t know if I should get out of this relationship now or stick it out.” I turned to him. “What do you think?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck as he considered my question. “I’m not going to tell you what you should do. Never take anyone’s advice when they aren’t in the same situation. But I’ll tell you this. If Ryker’s never been like this with anyone before, there’s a good chance you’re really important to him. If he’s already changed that much, he’ll probably keep changing. He’s not stupid. He understands he found a diamond in the rough.”

  I smiled.

  “But, I also think you’re in store for a lot of headaches. Ryker is just as confused as you are, and he’s going to screw it up somewhere down the line. You’re going to get hurt regardless if he’s trying to avoid it. Whatever issues he has, they aren’t going away overnight. It’ll be a long, uphill battle. Rae, you can have who
mever you want. It’ll save you a lot of time if you just found someone who could give you exactly what you want.”

  It was definitely more practical. And it made a lot more sense. If I dated a normal guy and knew it was going to go somewhere if the chemistry was right, I’d be much happier. I’d done the fuck buddy thing before. It was fine, a lot of fun, and involved great sex, but I got hurt in the end because he didn’t commit just like he warned he wouldn’t. Ryker is very similar to that. “But there’s a problem with that…”

  “What?” Zeke asked.

  “I don’t want anyone else.” I knew it deep in my heart. Whatever I felt for Ryker wasn’t superficial or empty. There was a deep connection there, and I could date a hundred guys but never stop thinking about him. “I don’t know why I feel this way…but I do.”

  Zeke bowed his head and sighed, like he was more disappointed by that response than I was. “I know Ryker is suave and charming or whatever. The girls always like him and I understand why. But you could have someone just as amazing if you looked a little harder.” He raised his head and looked me in the eye. “You could have a guy who kisses the ground you walk on but doesn’t act like a pussy at the same time. You could have a man who will give you everything you could possibly want and not hurt you along the way. He could rock your world every night and make your toes curl. And at the end of the day, he would always make sure you knew how much he loved you.” Zeke continued staring into my eyes, like he was trying to tell me something else.

  When the stare became too intense, I looked away. “No man has ever swept me off my feet like that. Only Ryker.” I remembered the last man I dated. “The last guy I was seeing shoved his tongue up my nose.”

  “That date never should have happened,” he said. “You don’t need a blind date anyway.”

  “I was trying to get out more…” I chuckled because it was one of the worst dates I’d ever had. “At least it’s a funny story to tell.”

  He smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is funny.”

  “Zeke, have you ever been in love?” If he had, he never told me about it.

  “Um…” He turned his gaze away again. “No, I haven’t. But I know I could be.”