by Lolah Lace
I was making her accept gifts. I was forcing classier things on her and I thought she had grown accustomed to my lifestyle and she was going to be with me because of it. I assumed I had sealed the deal. Now I don’t know what was real and what was pretend. I’m sad and confused. There’s a hole in my heart.
I knew she loved me and cared for me because there was no way she could fake that. I mistakenly thought the material things would attach her to me. I thought they would make her pick me over him.
I didn’t try to buy her love but I just thought the money would help her love me more. I assumed it was the bonus when I was the prize.
Maybe she never loved me. Maybe she was using me. I’m not sure why, to pay her bills. That doesn’t make any sense. She barely had any bills. No car note, no credit card debt and her mortgage was less than the value of the property. She wasn’t using me for sex.
Clearly Mason was waiting in the wings. He probably was fucking her every chance he got. I thought I put an end to them. I know she had stopped seeing him.
Where the fuck did her feelings for me go? When did she decide I was expendable? It all went up in smoke and that black bitch broke my heart. She left me standing at the altar like some ill-advised classless moron.
I could kill her. I want to throw her in the Des Plaines River and hold her ass underwater but I still love her. I do. I don’t understand it. Why do I still have these intense feelings for this heartless black bitch?
I go to work and function like normal. What the hell is considered normal? As soon as I leave that building I am consumed with thoughts of Kari, her smile, her humor, her sassy mouth and her soaking wet tasty cunt.
I am such an idiot. I can’t even hate her the way that I know I should. I should curse the day I ever stuck my cock in that selfish black bitch.
What hurts most is Kari didn’t even give me chance to fight for her. She disappeared without letting me plead my case. She was gone and then she was back, married to him. Had she still been fucking him all along? If so, why did she agree to marry me? Why did she capture my heart only to clog my arteries with her rejection? I have so many questions but absolutely no answers, or at least answers that make sense to me.
So I find myself stalking her like some common criminal, camped out like the paparazzi. Kari’s car wasn’t parked in the lot at her job. I sat in my car for over thirty minutes and waited for her to leave the building.
I didn’t have a choice. She wasn’t returning my calls. They were going straight to voicemail. That’s why I was here. I wondered if she had blocked my number but when I called from any random number she still didn’t pick up. Maybe she had a new cell number. Maybe I should stop trying to figure it out.
I drove all the way here from Downtown Chicago. I was tired of her ignoring me. I was sitting in my Mercedes, lying in wait right here in the parking lot outside her FedEx office. I know I look absurdly ridiculous. I feel ridiculous but I can’t help how I feel. I will see her soon. Seeing her in the flesh is all that matters to me right now.
Alone in my car I realized that I had never even been to her job. Why not? Why had I never come here? I never surprised Kari and took her to lunch. In retrospect there are so many things I would have done differently. I would have paid closer attention to detail, that’s for sure. I would have paid closer attention to Kari. Only god knows if it would have made a difference.
How do you stop loving someone? How do I stop loving Kari when I loved her so much? I stopped loving my ex-wife Diana during the course of our marriage. When we finally split it was such a relief.
Kari leaving me still hurts in a way that is hard to explain. Sometimes it hurts like it just happened. It didn’t just happen and with this baby on the way I can’t even get any closure. I don’t want closure. I want this baby. I want to hold on to Kari in anyway possible.
Why do I feel this way? I have a sunk so low? My desperation is disgusting. Why do I still care about the woman that ripped my heart out and fed it to the sharks? I’m going to need therapy after it’s all said and done. But will it ever be all said and done? Seeing her with my child will be painful for me. I refuse to be the only one in pain.
I wish I could take back so many things. But would it have made the difference? I keep asking myself that very question. Would she be my wife instead of his?
While I thought about my utter despair and the shabby man I had become, Kari walked out of her job. She didn’t look all that pregnant. If she aborted my child I will kill her. She was wearing a big coat so maybe the coat was masking her pregnant belly.
Kari noticed me as she approached her truck. She was driving Mason’s Range Rover. I wonder what happened to the Camry. I couldn’t get her to get rid of that car and looks like he did. She rolled her eyes at me and I felt so out of my element by coming here.
I quickly stepped out of my car and slammed the door. I made a bash over to her before she got into the truck and backed out of her parking spot.
“What are you doing here Jack?” Her tone was one of pure indignation.
“I needed to see you. You haven’t returned any of my calls.”
“I have been busy Jack.” Kari rolled her eyes at me again. I hated to see her like this.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Kari smacked her lips. “Really?”
“Yes really. Is the baby okay?”
“Yes, my baby is doing just fine.”
My baby? I let her get away with that one. “That’s good. I didn’t have any way of knowing. I would like to go to the doctor’s visits with you. I want to help in any way that I can.”
She was being hostile toward me and I hadn’t done a thing to her but talk. She left me humiliated and confused. I wasn’t the bad guy but she was treating me as such.
“Jack what do you want?”
“I told you that already. I was seeing if you were okay. By the way I found a place to stay. I’m going to be out of your house soon.”
“Great.” She balked.
I took a step toward her. “Hey, I haven’t done anything to you. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like I’ve done something. I’m the victim here.”
“You haven’t left my house. That’ s something.”
“I just told you I was leaving. I will be gone within the week.”
“Jack, why make this hard?”
“This is hard for you? That’s rich. I haven’t done anything. You screwed me over.”
“I’m pregnant. I’m tired. I don’t have the time or the energy for a fight.”
“I didn’t come here to fight. I came here to see if you were okay. I was worried. I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. You’re pregnant so I’m concerned.”
“Fine, you’re concerned. You need to pack up your stuff and leave me alone. Stop calling me. Don’t show up at my job anymore.”
I felt tears forming behind my eyelids. It took great strength to hold them at bay. “You are carrying my child. I am worried. You made these problems, not me. All I did was love you and I tried to give you everything you wanted. You wanted to be married so I tried to give you that. You wanted another child so I tried to give you that. Where did I go wrong? When did you start to hate me?”
“Jack, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate anyone. I’m married now to another man. I can’t hang out with you. I can’t have conversations with you. We can’t see each other anymore. I have to cut ties with you. You have to cut all ties with me. You should want to cut all ties with me.”
“I can’t do that. You’re carrying my child. I would love to tell you to piss off but that’s not really an option for me at this point. There’s a baby on the way.”
“Jack give me a break. I fucked up but shit I can’t apologize enough. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you but what do you want from me? I married someone else. I love someone else. I’m not saying these things to hurt you. I’m saying them because they are true.”
She wanted me to be sympathetic
to her situation but I just couldn’t.
I took a deep breath. “You are going to have to meet me half way here.” She was. I wouldn’t stand for anything less.
“No, I don’t.” She barked. “I’m so over this.”
“No, the baby means it’s not over.”
“Stop this. Stop trying to hold on!”
“When are you going to take a paternity test?”
“What?”
“Kari, when are you taking a paternity test?”
“When the baby is born.” She frowned.
“No fucking way. You can get the test now. You can take the test while the baby is in utero. You know that. You’re not stupid.”
“No, I’m not stupid. I know that but I’m not going to do it.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to. It’s dangerous. It’s my body and I will do this however I want.”
“You are,” I shook my head in disbelief. She was trying my patience. I wanted answers yesterday. I needed to know the truth right this minute. “You are fucking unbelievable. After all you have done to me, now this.”
“What did you think would happen? This is my body. This is my baby.”
“I had no idea what a bitch you were. You fucking broke my heart and you treat me like I’m the bad person just because I want to be a father to my child.”
“You want to take over.”
“Maybe one day I will. You are clearly unfit.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Once my child is born I have the means and the resources to take the baby away from you.”
“The court never takes kids away from their mothers. You know that. Now who’s talking stupid?”
“I’m not taking about the fucking courts. One day you could wake up and your baby may disappear before your eyes.” I have threats to rattle her and I planned on using them.
“You must be smoking crack.”
“If I take our baby. I will make sure you never find him.”
“You are crazy. You are talking about kidnapping a kid that may not be yours that isn’t even born yet. You talk like a damn idiot.”
“You fucking cunt.”
“Great, now you have resorted to name calling, so mature. Can you sink any lower?”
“You called me names first…You hurt me first.” My words spilled out shaky and emotional.
“Yes and I said I was sorry.”
“Your fucked up apology means nothing to me. You hurt me.” She had affected me once again. Tears fell from my eyes. Shit! I’m weak, what a pussy.
“Jack you are upsetting me. I can’t do this with you right now. I’m sorry about everything.” Kari opened her truck door and get in. She slammed her door and I’m not sure why I did it but my fist balled and I punched straight through the glass window of her truck door.
What the fuck? I was stuck there with this surge of power that numbed the pain. I can’t believe I punched her window.
There was glass everywhere. It was all in Kari’s lap and on the ground below. Kari started the truck’s ignition as I looked on at the blood that was spouting from my fist. Did I break my hand or my fingers? I had yet to feel the pain. I’m sure it would be coming soon. Why the fuck did I do that?
I’m losing control. Seeing her was more painful then I thought it would be. I backed away from her truck afraid of what I may do next. I looked on as she put the truck in reverse and backed out of the parking space. I glanced around hoping no one saw what I had done. She drove off fast and left me standing here looking like a rage-filled jealous ex-boyfriend. Is that what I am?
I hurried to my car and left the premises. My first stop was to the emergency room. My hand was fractured not completely broken. I felt like a lovesick dumbass. I felt so worthless. How the hell was I going to explain this cast at work tomorrow? Robert was going to be so disappointed in me.
The emergency room doctor patched me up with little to no inquiry into how I arrived at this bloody condition. Soon, meaning two hours later I was back in my car with the weight of my actions consuming my thoughts.
I drove back to Somerset Lane with my one functional hand. I entered the house and I soon realized that I wasn’t alone.
My daughter Sienna was inside the house. I didn’t want her to see me like this. I forgot she was going to come over and help me pack. I had been a shitty father ever since the breakup.
“Sienna.” I called out to her as soon as I reached the top of the stairs. She turned to me. She was in the bedroom folding my clothes and putting them neatly in a plastic bin. I walked in to join her. There was absolutely no need for me to hide my hand.
“Dad, what happened to your hand?”
She rushed over to me. “It’s nothing. There was some glass. I got cut.”
Sienna didn’t believe me. I could see that much in her bleak facial expression. “Dad, you’re still sad and that’s okay. I know you will feel better when you move out of here. There are too many memories of that witch here. This place is the past.”
“You’re right this place is the past.” I faked a smile. “I have one hand so I can’t really help you.”
“I’m not doing all this by myself.” Sienna smarted off.
I was grabbing a few items from the closet when I thought I heard the front door. It only took a few minutes before I could clearly hear Mason barreling through the front door downstairs. Great, I only have one hand. This Neanderthal is looking for a fight.
“JACK! JACK!” I heard Mason calling out to me. Sienna had stopped packing. Her eyes grew big. She knew something was up. This asshole is scaring my daughter.
Mason was up the stairs in seconds. He charged right toward me and punched me square in the face. My entire body landed on the bed. I didn’t try to defend myself. How could I with one goddamn hand? He had only gone in for one punch and he didn’t try to throw anymore.
“Are you fucking crazy?” He was yelling like the mad man that he is. “You threatened my wife!”
“It was an accident!” I tried to clear my name. I felt like shit and I sort of wanted him to hit me again. Scaring Kari was never part of my ultimate plan.
“Bullshit!” Mason charged my way. He was going to hit me while I was down, not surprising.
“STOP! Don’t hit my dad!” I heard Sienna scream from the closet entryway. Mason turned to look at her as if for the first time. I don’t think he noticed her before that. With all the commotion I had almost forgot she was in the room.
I took this opportunity to get up off the bed. Mason watched me cautiously. His eyes flitted between Sienna and me.
“Jack, you are irritating me dude, my patience with your bullshit has run out. Stay away from Kari! Get the fuck out of her house before I physically throw you out.” His nostrils were flared and I understood why. I scared Kari so bad I scared myself. I punched straight through her driver’s side window. Violence is not my go-to form of resolution. That is Mason. He’s the violent one. That’s not me. I didn’t want to upset or hurt Kari and I definitely didn’t want to hurt the baby.
“You asshole!” Sienna barked. “We’re leaving this dump! Get the fuck out and leave my dad alone!” Sienna was shouting and Mason was halted in place by her words. He looked a little lost. He looked perplexed.
I saw a bit of the anger in his eyes subside. “Jack, stay, away, from Kari.” Mason calmly said as he backed out of the doorway. My daughter may have saved my ass. There was no way I could’ve defended myself with one hand.
I heard the front door slam and with the door came the realization that I really hate that guy. Sienna rushed to the bedroom window and watched as Mason drove off down the street.
Seconds later, Sienna burst into tears right before me. I didn’t know what to do. She ran into my arms and I hugged my frightened and hysterical daughter. This was a terrible thing for her to witness. Her tears were wetting the shirt on my chest and leaking threw to my bare skin.
“Dad please, stop loving Kari. Please sto
p! She doesn’t love you anymore.”
Her words provoked me to tears. I was so embarrassed by my actions. I was so moved by the simplicity of her words. Clearly, Kari doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn’t love me anymore. Kari doesn’t love me anymore. Why am I the last one that realizes this? Why does it still hurt so badly after all these months?
***
It took a few days but I finally moved all my things out of her place. I don’t know why I took all the pictures of us together. I don’t know why I wanted to be reminded of the time we shared together. I should have burned the pictures but instead I packed them up and took them with me. I don’t know why but I was having a hard time understanding myself and who I was as a man since the breakup.
Breakup seems so odd when we never actually broke up. Kari just disappeared and returned married to Mason. It doesn’t seem like reality. It seems like some cable scripted reality TV show. This kind of bullshit doesn’t happen to people like me.
I rented a cozy three bedroom condo a few towns closer to the city. I was on a six-month lease. I had planned on moving back to Bolingcreek once my baby was born.
It wasn’t my weekend to watch Caleb but I didn’t have any problem keeping my kids. Sienna was old enough to stay home alone and she refused to come over because her teenage life always took precedent over spending time with dear old dad.
Diana was going to Jamaica with her plastic surgeon so I had two-parent duty for the next five days. I wasn’t in the mood to see Diana but she was dropping Caleb off on her way to the airport.
I buzzed her up and helped Caleb with his suitcase. Diana walked into my condo without an invitation. She was going form room to room looking around. Caleb had gone upstairs to his room leaving me alone with my ex-wife. I just stood at the front door in the foyer waiting for Diana to leave my condo.
“So Jack.” She donned that catty smirk that I didn’t miss one bit.
“So Diana.” I raised my chin. What was she up to?
“This place is nice, looks very expensive.” Diana started playing with her long blonde hair.
