by Lila Lacroix
The next few days were a little terrifying for her, knowing that someone else was going to be coming in and trying to convince her that there was nothing to worry about, that her dead baby was something to be forgotten. Ryan tried to convince her that that wasn't the case, that nothing could ever make them forget their lost baby, but it was difficult for Tina to believe him.
When she finally arrived, the therapist reminded Tina a little of some of the doctors at the hospital, though she was still on her guard. She managed to drag herself out to the living room, curling up on the couch.
“Hello Tina.”
Tina gave the therapist a small smile, though she didn't feel it. “Hello.”
Unlike Tina's, the therapist’s smile was warm and welcoming. “My name is Danielle. I know you're having a difficult time as of late, so I want you to know that if you're uncomfortable at any time, you only have to say stop and we will.”
Tina's chest was tight. “Thank you,” she said, voice barely above a whisper. She found herself saying, “It's been difficult and everybody thinks I should be acting in a certain way, but I don't know how I should be.”
Danielle was silent for a moment. She didn't have a pad or pen or anything that Tina had associated with therapists. Instead she seemed to be looking at Tina as though she was a person. It was the first time since coming home from the hospital that someone was letting Tina dictate how things moved forward. “You have to decide the pace that you deal with this tragedy, Tina.”
Tina's face crumpled at the reminder of what had happened, but she knew that she could get better, if only she was given time. She loved Ryan, but even Ryan seemed to think there should be a time limit on how long she could deal with losing her child.
“Would it be okay for me to ask you some questions? It's fine for you not to answer, or just to ask to move on, okay?”
Tina nodded slowly. “Okay. That's fine.”
“Thank you, Tina.” The words were as sincere as the smile on Danielle's face, and Tina felt comfortable for the first time in a long time.
“So how did it go?” Ryan came around the back of the couch, leaning down to kiss Tina's forehead. She was still in the living room, legs tucked up beneath her, and TV on low in the background.
She gave him a small smile, as genuine as it had been in a long time. “She was nice. I like her.”
“That's good,” Ryan said, neutral, though Tina could tell he was brimming with happiness. She was pleased that she could make him somewhat happy, even if she still wasn't completely sure that everything would turn out for the best; she was just going to have to hope that things would be okay. Danielle had been kind and taken everything slowly, just as she said she would. It had helped; she hadn't asked anything about the baby, just wanted to know things about Tina, and while Tina knew this would be a slow process, she was slightly hopeful that at least talking to Danielle, she would be able to wake up without feeling like the world was coming down around her.
“I want to see her again,” Tina said, reaching up to clasp Ryan's hand. Ryan did smile this time, squeezing her fingers and nodding.
“I'll make the call.” He leaned down to kiss her fully, and she accepted, for the first time pressing back into it with enthusiasm. She felt like there was finally a break in the despair and hurt.
As Ryan disappeared into the bedroom, Tina let her feet drop down onto the floor, and shuffled over to make room for him when he came back.
“If you don't want to tell me what she said,” Ryan said, coming out of the bedroom and pulling a sweater over his head, “then you don't have to.”
Tina made a face, not sure she really did want to tell Ryan. He sat down next to her, lifting an arm for her to snuggle up against him. “I'm not sure-”
Ryan cut her off. “I know. I just didn't want you to agonise over whether or not you had to tell me. I know you.”
He did, Tina realised, and kissed his jaw before settling her head against his shoulder. She had been worried that he would demand to know what she and Danielle had talked about, and whether or not she was getting better, but perhaps her worrying over Ryan had more to do with her than what he really wanted from her. “If it takes a long time,” she started, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
Ryan turned so that he could look at her better. He ran a thumb down her cheek, smiling. “If I have to tell you this every day, so be it. I love you, Tina, and I'm always going to be here, no matter how long it takes.” He looked a little less composed suddenly, and she could see the pain on his face. “We're both hurting over this, but it will get better, I promise you.”
Before, Tina wouldn't have believed him. She was getting more confident that she would be able to get on with her day, if never completely over the loss of her baby.
“I love you too,” was all that Tina could say, but it was enough. Ryan pulled her closer, and the two of them continued to watch the television, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Tina didn't dwell constantly on the thought of her lost baby.
* * *
Danielle was sitting across from Tina, dressed in smart pants, blouse and jacket. She was smiling, nodding at everything Tina was saying, and it wasn’t like other people, like they were just humouring her.
“I sometimes feel like I’ll never get over it,” Tina said, staring down at her hands. “I’ll be thinking of my lost baby for the rest of my life, and that just makes me more sad and angry, that I can’t get over it and move on. I don’t want to be like this.” Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes, but she didn’t cry, and Danielle didn’t judge her for it.
“It’s okay to feel that way,” Danielle told her. “Tell me about meeting Ryan.”
Tina startled, frowning. “Why?”
Danielle paused. “I think talking about Ryan might help. Humour me?”
Everything else Danielle had done had been working, so Tina relented, recalling the first time she had ever met Ryan. “I thought he was a cheater,” she admitted, feeling her cheeks flush with heat. She explained how she had thought Ryan was committing adultery, and she had felt no qualms about it. Then she explained the reality behind the situation, and through it all, Danielle was smiling, laughing in some places, and actually listening.
“Then I thought I should give him up because he was interfering with my work.” Tina laughed, thinking how silly she had been. “I thought it was for the best, but obviously it wasn’t,”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
“I love him,” Tina said immediately. “I can’t imagine my life without him.”
Danielle nodded, seemingly satisfied. “Good. So I want you to concentrate on that this week, okay? Until we meet again, I want you to think about all the reasons you love and want to be with Ryan, whenever you think about what happened, okay?”
Tina agreed, though she didn’t see why that would help. “I don’t resent him.” She needed Danielle to know that, to know that she didn’t blame Ryan, or hate him for what she had done.
“You haven’t done anything,” Danielle said mildly, and Tina realised she had spoken that aloud. “This was as much beyond your control as it was Ryan’s.”
Tina didn’t know how to reply to that, didn’t even know if she believed that, but she nodded anyway, confident that Danielle would be able to help her in the long run. She ran a hand through her hair, nervous. “How will thinking about Ryan help me?”
“If you focus on what you have,” Danielle explained, “it will remind you of what you still have left to live for.”
Balking at that prospect, Tina waved a hand. “I don’t want to die!”
“You misunderstand me,” Danielle said kindly. “I didn’t mean to suggest that. I merely meant in the sense that you won’t want to spend so much of your time hiding, and may possibly want to return to work.”
That prospect seemed so far removed from Tina’s current life that she almost couldn’t believe it was possible. “Do you think that might happen?”
�
��I think if you really want something to happen, then you can make it so.” Danielle leaned forward a little, smiling. “You’re a strong person, Tina. You wouldn’t still be here listening to me if that wasn’t the case.”
“Okay,” Tina promised. “I’ll do what you’re asking.”
“Thank you.”
Gradually, Danielle’s suggestions and conversations with Tina helped. She was spending more time out of the bedroom and had even ventured out of the house once or twice. She was currently staring down at her phone, wondering if she should invite Maria around. It had been a long time since they had spoken, and even longer since they had decided to meet up. She was nervous about seeing Maria, especially if she was going to want to bring up the baby. Still, Danielle had been working with her for a couple of weeks now, and she was confident that she would be able to handle the meeting and not worry about it too much.
“What’s the matter, honey?” Ryan came out of the kitchen, glass in his hand.
Tina made a face. “I want to invite Maria around, but I don’t know if I should.”
Ryan paused, frowning. “I know for a fact that you’ve been dealing with everything much better since you started seeing Danielle.”
Tina flushed a little, still embarrassed to hear anything close to pride show on Ryan’s face, let alone hear it. “I hope I can handle it.”
“I think you can.” Ryan sat down next to her on the couch. He squeezed her knee gently, giving her a look that she couldn’t describe. “Besides, you’ve been a lot of work with Danielle. You’ve even gone outside a couple of times.”
Tina had made up her mind. She thumbed through to Maria’s number and called her, Ryan’s hand a comforting presence on her knee. It took a couple of rings for Maria answer.
“Darling!”
“Hi Maria,” Tina said, smiling warmly. “Sorry I haven’t called.”
“You don’t have anything to apologise for, sweetie.” Maria sounded pleased, and Tina was gratified that she wasn’t about to lose a friend out of lack of contact. “How are you doing?”
“I’m better,” Tina said, and she was confident that she wasn’t lying. “I’m seeing someone. She’s called Danielle and it’s really helping.”
“Good,” Maria said sincerely. “I’ve been worried about you and didn’t know whether or not I should call you.”
Tina flushed with embarrassment. “I know I should have called before now, even just to let you know what was going on, but I didn’t know what to say to you.”
There was silence for a while, and Tina didn’t know what to say to her. She stared down at her hands, and Ryan looked at her in concern.
“Look,” Maria said suddenly. “I can’t ever pretend to know what you were going through, and I know that the last thing that you want to do is talk to someone when you’ve just – well, you know. I would have come, though, you have to know that.”
“I didn’t want to see anyone,” Tina admitted quietly. “I didn’t even want to see Ryan some days. I would have just ignored you. And did, the couple of times you tried.”
“I know.” There was silence again, but at least this time it was a little more comfortable than it had been before. “Do you want me to come around and see you?”
Tina paused, not really sure now that Maria had asked that she did. She looked at Ryan, who was given her an expression of encouragement. She clutched the phone a little tighter. “Yeah. I would like that.”
“I’m free the next couple of days. I have the week off of the hospital.”
“Oh? Are you sick?”
“No,” Maria said, and Tina sat back to talk to her friend properly for the first time in a long time.
* * *
Tina was pleased with her own progress. Although it was easy to believe that she was going to be able to actually get out of the house and do whatever she wanted to do, sometimes she was still crippled with the thought of her baby and the life she would never have, but Tina was getting better at pushing down the pain and despair until she could crawl out of bed and face the day. All the while, Ryan stood by her – as he had been since the beginning – and she found that it was easier if she did what Danielle had told her to: remember everything she had been through with Ryan and all that they meant to each other. They would carry on together and everything would be fine. She would repeat it to herself over and over until she was convinced and could smile without a hint of pain behind it.
Maria had been by to see her three times now, and every time she commented on how improved Tina was. Maria had been with her when she called her mother for the first time in a few weeks, and though Tina cried and felt like she couldn't breathe through the pain, Maria held her hand and whispered comforting thoughts to her, at the same time that her mother told her everything would be okay, that she was there and Tina's support network was vast and strong.
Tina believed it, and told her mother that she would try and talk to her more often. Her mother was still crying a little, but Tina hung up with a smile and rested her head on Maria's shoulder.
“Thank you.”
Maria squeezed her shoulders. “That's what best friends are for.”
Tina thought that Maria and Ryan were doing far more than their attachment to her detailed, but she wasn't going to complain. She wouldn't be where she was without them – and Danielle – and she was going to keep improving; she just had to convince herself that it was worth it.
“I'll stay with you until Ryan comes home,” Maria told her.
Tina frowned. “Will you help me with something?”
Maria agreed readily once Tina told her what she wanted. For the first time in weeks she wanted to cook something for Ryan, instead of having to make it himself, grab sandwiches or take-out. Thought it was hard at first, it was fun to get back into doing things, and joking around and talking with Maria was so much like old times that Tina couldn't stop smiling. Dinner was in the oven and cooking when Ryan called to say that he would be home in half an hour.
“I guess that's my cue,” Maria said. She leaned over to kiss Tina's cheek, grabbing her bag from the side table.
“Thanks for coming,” Tina said. She had had a great time. “Feel free to come over whenever.”
Maria assured her that she would, and then left with a quick, “Later, sweetie,” over her shoulder.
Tina felt pleased with her progress and made a mental note to let Danielle know on Thursday how she was doing, and then went to check on dinner again. She was plating up the chicken when the door opened and Ryan poked his head around.
“Hey darling,” he said, and then paused when he saw dinner. “You did all this?”
“Maria gave me the quick kick I needed,” Tina admitted, blushing. “But yes. I wanted you to eat well for a change.”
The grin on Ryan's face was wide and happy as he swept in and picked her up. He twirled her around the kitchen and then kissed her. Tina felt elated, heart swooping in her chest and she returned his passion with equal measure. “I love you.”
Tina didn't think she could smile any harder. “I love you too.”
The rest of the night passed in a whirl of happiness and love with Ryan being more attentive than usual, which was definitely something, and they tumbled into bed, and for the first time Tina didn't flinch away from Ryan's touches.
When they met at the end of the week, Danielle was more than pleased with her progress.
“I think you're getting on much better. Do you think you'd like to stop meeting with me now?”
There was a tight feeling in Tina's chest on hearing that, but she also couldn't deny that she was better than she had been – and wanted to see if she could do things without Danielle as a crutch. She nodded slowly. “I think I would like that for a little while. Would I be able to see you again?”
Nodding, Danielle leaned forward a little. “Of course. I'm always at the end of the phone if you need to talk. I think you have an amazing support system now, between you mother and friends, and Ryan of course,
and it's time for you to use them.”
The tight feeling eased a little. “Thank you for everything.”
“You'll be fine.” Danielle didn't hug her, and Tina supposed that was for professionalism, but she did lean forward to squeeze Tina's knee. “Be strong.”
Saying goodbye to Danielle felt like an ending, but also like a beginning that would be the start of great things for Tina. She shut the door and pressed back against it, smiling to herself. There was so much that she could do today, that she wanted to do, but she didn't know where to start. She knew they needed groceries, but Maria was off work and she might want to go out with her somewhere. She was actually looking forward to leaving the house, though the prospect of going anywhere like town was a little daunting. Still, Tina was determined to spend the day with someone, and reached for her phone, unable to keep from smiling. She saw a text on her phone and raised her eyebrows, surprised to see that it was from Ryan. It wasn't unusual, especially lately, but he knew she was with Danielle and called at lunchtime.
We're going to a restaurant tonight. If you want.
Tina didn't hesitate to tell him she would love to, and then turned to go back into her bedroom, all fears of leaving the house forgotten. It was the first time in weeks that she had the opportunity to find something nice to wear and to consider her appearance. She had spent so long in bed, in the apartment, or going down the road that she didn't worry about what she was wearing. The kind of restaurants where she and Ryan tended to go were different; she wanted to look nice and was determined to find a dress. Ryan deserved so much for putting up with her and for hurting himself, and she wanted this to be the perfect night for him.
A few hours later, she was surrounded by dresses and contemplating asking Maria for help. It had been a long time since she had had to do this, and while she hadn't forgotten how to do it, she couldn't remember if she had ever worn any of the dresses out with Ryan already. There had to be something new that would surprise Ryan and make him smile, but she didn't know what.
