by Lila Lacroix
She was so caught up in worrying what she would look like, that she didn't realise Ryan had come home until he was standing in the doorway looking worried.
“Tina? Is everything okay?”
“No,” Tina said, horrified to realise that she was seconds away from crying. “I don't know what to wear.”
“Sweetheart,” Ryan said, coming into the room and crouching down in front of her. “It doesn't matter what you wear, you'll always look beautiful to me.”
Tina shook her head. “But I want to look nice. You deserve it.”
Ryan smiled warmly, though Tina didn't know what he was thinking that he looked so pleased. “The fact that you think that is everything to me, darling, but you don't have to do anything. I'd be happy if you went to the restaurant in pants and a blouse.”
Tina flushed. “Really?”
“Yes, darling, really.”
Tina shook her head, feeling stupid for wanting to look her best. She put it down to still feeling a little fragile, and now that she was looking back on the last couple of hours, she felt stupid. “Sorry. I don't know why I was so worried.”
Ryan didn't look angry or frustrated, he just kept smiling. “Baby steps is what Danielle said, right?”
“Yes,” Tina agreed. “I just wish-”
“I know you want this to go faster,” Ryan said, “But you have to take this at your pace, not the pace you think you should be going at.”
Tina knew that, but that didn't mean she liked that she couldn't just snap her fingers and make everything better. “Well, you better go and shower if we're going to go out.”
“And you pick something, anything, okay?”
“I will,” Tina promised, and turned back to the pile of dresses on the floor and bed. She frowned as she glanced at them all, still wondering which one she should wear. Still, Ryan didn't care, and she was way past caring what the patrons of any restaurant thought about her, especially now, so she decided upon a red dress she had had for a while, but put to the back of the closet when she had started dating Ryan. It wasn't one she automatically considered appropriate for a posh restaurant, but she felt good in it, and more than ever she wanted to feel good, so she put the rest of the clothes away.
The shower turned on in the ensuite, Tina went to the bathroom next to the nursery, still having to steel herself for even going near to the door, but she had already resolved to not let anything bother her now. She was going to have a good time and enjoy herself, so she turned her face away and entered the bathroom.
The restaurant wasn't one Ryan had ever taken her to before. It was small, intimate, and she liked it as soon as they stepped into the lobby. There were only four or five tables, and the lights were dim and wonderful. She pressed closer to Ryan as he asked for a table, and then walked through the narrow passageway between the tables to one at the back. The waiter smiled at her warmly as Ryan took her coat and hung it on the back of her chair. She sat down, and took the menu with a smile of her own.
The food looked delicious, and Tina found herself enjoying being in the moment. She wasn't worried about anybody else, wasn't focused on anything but Ryan, and the food on the menu.
“Do you want something to drink?” Ryan asked, handing over a wine list.
She always felt nervous at this point, worried about the price list on the right, but Ryan had never once told her there was a cap, and while she always chose something down the lower end of the list, he didn't complain. She wasn't sure what she wanted, having not touched a drop of alcohol since getting pregnant. Despite the upset of the reminder of her previous condition, she refused to let it get to her, and pointed at one of the red wines at the top of the list.
“Perfect choice,” the waiter told her, and disappeared into the kitchen.
“Thank you for this,” Tina said, unable to meet Ryan's eyes. She stared down at the table cloth, and played with her fork just for something to do with her hands. Ryan's hand rested on top of hers and squeezed. She flicked her eyes up to his face and found him smiling.
“You don't have to thank me.” Ryan shrugged. “I wanted to see you smile more.”
Tina flushed a little. “I do have to thank you.” She ignored his comment about smiling more, content in the knowledge that if he continued to treat her how he had been all this time, she wouldn't be doing anything but smiling. “You've been there for me all the time, even when it's been hurting you, and I didn’t deserve it.”
“Hey,” Ryan said, looking disapproving. “None of that, okay? There's no rules to how this should be handled.” The waiter was coming towards their table with the wine, but Ryan leaned across the table, his voice low enough that only she could catch it. “Anyway, we're not going to talk about that today, okay? We're going to focus on other things.”
“Yeah,” Tina said. “Okay, I can do that.”
They could. They talked about Ryan's work, how Tina was going to spend the next couple of days. When she spoke about hanging with Maria more and even trying to go back to work once she was well enough, there was a secretive look on Ryan's face, but she didn't know what it meant. It returned when he spoke about maybe taking some time off of work to spend time with Tina, and while she was enthusiastic about it, happy that he wanted to be with her more, she was preoccupied with whatever it was he was hiding.
The restaurant itself was everything she could have wished for and more; the food was delicious, and the waiter left them largely alone unless they specifically asked for him. Conversation between other patrons was a low murmur, much like she and Ryan were doing, and though snippets of their conversation drifted over sometimes, it was a wonderful atmosphere. Tina had been holding Ryan's hand across the table for most of the meal, and she found she didn't want to let go, even when Ryan told her that he needed to get something from his pocket. She reluctantly released him and reached for her napkin, taking her eyes off of Ryan to wipe her face. When she looked back up, her breath caught in her throat.
Ryan was on the floor next to her, down on one knee. She knew what this was, especially when she realised Ryan was holding a velvet box in his hands. She swallowed a couple of times, trying to find her voice. There was a roaring in her ears, but she heard perfectly when Ryan said, “Will you marry me?”
It seemed as though the very room was holding its breath. Tina could see some of the other patrons looking at them out of the corner of her eye, one woman with a hand against her mouth. Tina's hand was shaking when Ryan held it up between them, ring hovering between them.
“Oh god,” Tina said, and then shook her head a little. “Yes, of course yes.”
There was a polite round of applause as Ryan pushed the ring onto her finger and Tina's eyes were blurred from tears. She couldn't stop smiling as Ryan pulled her into a hug and she clutched at him, staring at her ring and feeling the happiest she had in a long, long time.
Tina had to wait until the morning to call her family and Maria. As soon as the door opened, Ryan had her in an embrace and was kissing her, her body rousing easily beneath his hands. She wanted him desperately, unable to keep her eyes from the ring on her left finger. She was elated, didn't know how to begin putting her thoughts in order, but none of that mattered as Ryan ran his lips and tongue over her collarbones. She let him lead her into the bedroom, and for the second time in a week, let him take her, bed sheets rucked up beneath her body, and fingers tangled together.
Though exhausted, she couldn’t sleep that night. She was too happy to calm her mind, running her thumb over the silver diamond ring, Ryan's body warm around hers. She thought of everything that had happened to lead them here, and rested a hand against her stomach. She would still hurt about the baby, but she would move on. She would marry Ryan and the two of them would carry on, no matter what happened to them from here.
She turned to kiss Ryan on the cheek and then settled down, smiling so hard that she was sure her face was going to start hurting.
Though she didn't sleep much at all that night, by the morning
she was still feeling as wide awake as she had the night before. Ryan was still sleeping when she finally decided to get out of bed, grabbing her robe from the back of the door and slipping it on. She grabbed her phone from the night stand and went out into the living room.
Taking a photo of her left hand, she thumbed through to messages and sent it to her mother and to Maria. It was early, early enough that they probably wouldn't see it yet, but she didn't care. She was excited and she wanted to tell someone. To her surprise, Maria text her back almost immediately.
!!!!!!!
Tina grinned and wasn't surprised when Maria called her.
“Oh my god!” Maria almost screamed the words, and Tina laughed. “When did this happen?”
“We went out to the restaurant last night,” Tina told her. “It was so nice and the food was great and then he gets on his knee at the end and just proposes.”
Maria let out a sigh. “He is so perfect. Why couldn't I have bagged him instead?”
“Hands off,” Tina said, shy but still amused. “Nobody is taking Ryan away from me now.”
“Glad to hear it,” Ryan said, kissing the top of her head.
Tina jumped, startled, but tipped her head back to grin up at him. “Hey honey.”
Ryan disappeared into the kitchen, and Tina turned back to her conversation, where Maria was making pretend retching noises into the phone.
“Whatever,” Tina told her. “You're just jealous.”
“Damn right I am,” Maria agreed. “I can't believe he proposed to you. It's all so perfect.”
Not all, Tina didn't say, but she was inclined to agree about most of it. “I'm happy.”
“Good, you deserve it.”
They talked for a little while longer, but Ryan was next to her on the couch, and Tina still had to call her mother. They hadn't spoken enough over the past couple of weeks, and Tina owed it to her mother to call her about this.
“Morning fiancée,” Ryan said, leaning in for a proper kiss. Tina met him halfway, fingers clutching at his robe.
“Morning.” She felt a tingle down her spine at the word fiancée. It was never going to get old. She hadn't stopped smiling all morning and she probably wasn't going to stop now. Ryan pulled away, but kept his arm around his shoulders as he reached for the television remote. Tina settled down to enjoy a mug of coffee, and toyed with her phone, knowing she should call her mom, but wanting to enjoy the morning with Ryan for just a little longer. She knew that once she told her mother, she would end up on the phone for hours and Ryan would have to take a back seat; it was just how her mother worked.
“You should do it, you know.” Ryan stared down at her.
Tina looked at him, surprised.
“What?” Ryan said, affecting a look of surprise. “You think I don't know you're avoiding calling your mother?”
“I'm not avoiding it.” Tina wasn't exactly lying, she just had reservations and she didn't know why. “I just know that she's going to twist and blow this out of proportion.”
Ryan frowned, confused. “Isn't this supposed to be a good occasion?”
“Not like that,” Tina assured him. “I just mean that she'll bring everything up again and I want to be happy, I don't want to have to worry about anything.”
Ryan didn't say anything for a moment, but looked thoughtful. “You don't have to listen to what she has to say. Just tell her about the engagement and finish up the conversation.”
“Do you know my mother at all?” Tina asked him, amused. There was no way in the world that you could have a conversation with her mother that lasted less than half an hour.
“No,” Ryan said with a grin, “I don't know her that well at all.”
Tina pinched his side gently, laughing. “Lucky for you.”
They play pinches for a while, before settling back into the sofa. Tina had made up her mind, however. She called up her mother's name in her phone and decided to bite the bullet and get it done with. She wanted her mother to know about the engagement, even if it was just to show her that Tina could and was getting on with her life and wasn't going to be single forever. Tina was aware that she wasn't being fair to her mother – she just wanted Tina to be happy after all – but that didn't mean Tina didn't come away from every conversation with her mother embarrassed that she failed at relationships and social interactions.
The phone rang for a while, and Tina was afraid that her mother wasn't going to pick up for a moment.
When she finally answered, she sounded breathless, like she had been running. “Tina darling!”
Tina grinned. “Out for your morning run?”
“Trying to keep fit is hard work, darling,” her mother said, sounding amused. “How are you feeling?”
“Better actually, Mom,” Tina told her. She stared down at the ring on her finger, and then at Ryan's face. He was watching the TV but smiling, and he was definitely paying more attention to her than he was to whatever program was on. “There was something that I needed to tell you. I text, but if you're running, you wouldn't have seen it.”
Her mom puffed a few times. “I heard it come in, but haven't looked. What's happened? Is everything okay with you and Ryan?”
“Yes, mom, everything is fine. Better than fine.”
* * *
“There's something I haven't told you yet,” Ryan admitted, when Tina had finally hung up and settled back onto the sofa. Tina was intrigued and raised her eyebrows, waiting to hear what Ryan was planning now.
“You mean proposing wasn't enough?”
“Nothing is ever going to be enough for you,” Ryan said, voice soft. His eyes were wide and blue and Tina could get lost in them – and wanted to. He touched her cheek, kissing her softly. She was getting so used to this, to having Ryan and being his fiancée. Not everything was perfect, and probably wouldn't be for a long time, but she was getting back to being really happy and she thought that Danielle would be happy with her progress.
“So tell me,” Tina said, when they finally broke the kiss. “Am I going to be surprised?”
Ryan grinned. “I hope so. I booked us a holiday.”
Tina felt her heart skip a beat. “What?”
Seeming self-conscious suddenly, Ryan paused. “I thought you would like to go around Europe. I cleared it with the hospital and with work and I thought-”
“Oh, Ryan,” Tina said, throwing her arms around Ryan's shoulders and hugging him tight. She didn't know how to begin sorting through the feelings currently clenching in her chest. She was happy and excited and so, so pleased that she got to be with someone as attentive and loving as Ryan. “Of course I would love to.”
“Good,” Ryan said, sounding happy. “I'm glad you like the plan.”
Tina laughed, loud and clear. “Of course I do. I've always wanted to see Europe. I can't believe – you're too good for me.”
“Don't be silly,” Ryan said, frowning. “You deserve everything and more.”
There was nothing that Ryan could say that would ever make Tina believe that she deserved as much as he gave her, but she was more than willing to listen because she loved Ryan, and she couldn't imagine ever being happy when he wasn't around. She buried her face in his shoulder. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Ryan said, kissing her temple and then her cheek.
* * *
“You are so lucky,” Maria was saying, her voice tinny through the phone.
Tina was busy putting her clothes into her suitcase, throwing sceptical looks at her phone occasionally, even though she knew Maria wouldn't see. They had been friends long enough that she would know anyway, and that was good enough for Tina. “Ryan has been great.”
Maria made a tutting noise. “He has been more than great, and you know that. You have a real catch there, girl.”
Tina did know, and she knew that without Ryan, she wouldn't have come out the other side of losing her baby in one piece. “Okay, okay. I admit it.”
Laughing, Maria hummed a little. “So, wher
e are you off to first?”
“I don't know,” Tina admitted. She grabbed her mini hairdryer off of the dresser and put it on top of her clothes. “We're landing in Rome, but that's all he'll tell me. There's a lot of Europe, and I wish I knew just where we were going.”
There was an appreciative silence from Maria, and then she laughed again. “Don't complain! Let yourself be pampered and treated. This is going to be amazing.”
“I know.” Tina grinned down at her packed clothes. She was nervous, but that didn't come close to matching the excitement she felt at being able to get away from everything and just enjoy herself for a change. Ryan was right about one thing; she would definitely be coming home refreshed and happy from wherever it was they were about to go.
Ending her call with Maria, Tina made a mental note of everything she still had to do, but most of it was being taken care of by Ryan, mostly so that he could keep everything a secret, so she had the rest of the day to herself. It was a nice feeling most of the time, but when she was itching to just get on a plane and leave, she found herself pacing one too many times.
“Come on, girl,” she chastised herself. “You're acting like a child.”
Ryan hadn't text or called her once all day. She frowned down at her phone, wondering if she should contact him. Not that she knew what she would say. She was surprised by her excitement and eagerness to leave, but it was something to look forward to – something that was going to give her the chance to get a grip back on her life and force it into change for the better.
Deciding that the best way to distract herself was to clean the house, she set about it, knowing it would make her feel better, but that it was probably a good thing they did it before they left for however long. She wanted to make sure that when they came home, probably exhausted but happy, they wouldn't have too much to do on the return.
She was buried half in the food cupboard when Ryan came home. She didn't hear the key in latch, and jumped when his bag landed on the counter.
