Live Again

by Brittney Mulliner

  “I know. I just felt like I was relying on you guys too much. I wanted to prove I could be on my own. Obviously, I failed.”

  Talia stood and pushed Gage away before hugging me. Alexis followed and started a group hug, which Mckayla joined. Talia pulled my hair and grinned. “Yes, you did, but we still love you. From now on, don’t fight it. You know you love us, too.”

  A smile crept on my lips until I caught Mike glaring at me from a few tables away. He would be harder to win over. Just as I was gathering the courage to go over to talk to him, the bell rang. Mckayla looped her arm through mine and pulled me away. I looked back and saw Mike shake his head before turning away. Gage was smirking and gave a short nod when we locked eyes.

  One thing I couldn’t handle was my friends being mad at me. My mother and Neil usually had something to be disappointed about, so I was used to their icy attitudes, but I’d reached my limit with Brandon and Mike. I needed to fix this.

  My knee bounced as I waited for roll to be taken in Yearbook so I could make a run for it. Mckayla noticed my nervous habit and gave me a questioning look.

  “I need to get out of here and find Mike.” I was staring down Mrs. Gonzalez, willing her to wrap things up.

  Mckayla leaned toward me and whispered, “We’ll say we need to interview him and get a pass to get him out of class. No problem. You just need to chill out.”

  Just as I was getting ready to burst, Mrs. Gonzalez sat down and refocused her attention on a book. I bolted up and grabbed a camera as Mckayla took one of the student passes to get Mike out.

  She led the way through the science hall to Mr. Steen’s room and stopped a few feet away. “Let me ask for him. I don’t know if he’ll want to come out if he sees you. Sorry.”

  It hurt, but I knew she was probably right. Mike could be stubborn.

  Knocking once, she stuck her head in and gave a charming smile. “Excuse me, Mr. Steen, but I need Mike Thomas for a few minutes for a yearbook interview. Would you mind?” Her voice was sugary sweet, the same one she used with the front office staff. I tried not to laugh so Mike wouldn’t know I was with her.

  He came strutting out of the classroom and smiled at Mckayla. “Thanks for that; class was ridiculously boring. What do you need?”

  She bit her lip and pointed at me. Mike turned around, and instantly his beaming smile disappeared. Before he could leave, I stepped forward and reached for his arm. He pulled back and crossed his arms. I was so used to his megawatt smile that seeing him angry scared me a little. He was known as a beast on the field, but until now I’d never seen that side of him.

  I met his gaze and folded my arms, suddenly insecure. “I know you’re mad at me, and after everything you told me this morning you have every reason to be. I don’t deserve any favors from you, but would you go for a walk with me? Please?”

  Behind him, Mckayla looked hopeful and gave me a quick nod. I looked back at him and waited. Finally, he turned and started walking out of the hall. That was the best response I was going to get, so I grabbed the pass from Mckayla and followed him out. He remained silent when I caught up to him.

  “I’m so sorry, Mike. Everything you said earlier was true. You’ve been an amazing friend to me since I got here. You’ve been so supportive and I’ve done nothing to deserve you.”

  I wanted to continue, but when he made eye contact I stopped in my tracks.

  “You still don’t get it. I can’t be your friend anymore.”

  I froze at his words. The crack he put in my heart this morning was spreading, threatening to break me in half. “Mike . . .”

  “No, let me finish. I’ve tried over and over again, but you don’t see me. I took you out and told you things I’ve never even told my best friends, and what do you do? You go out with Luke the very same weekend. I opened up to you, and you go off and become best friends with the one guy I warned you to stay away from. I’m never going to be enough for you and I’m done trying. Everyone else sees how I feel about you. Everyone except for you. I’m done looking like a fool while you go out with every other guy but me.”

  I was shaking by the time he finished. He was right. I dated Luke instead of him. I grew closer to Gage instead of him. I chose Tucker over him, twice.

  I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t even deserve to know him.

  The pain in my chest was spreading as my eyes filled with tears that threated to spill over. I stayed rooted where I was, despite everything in me screaming to reach out for him. “I am truly sorry, Mike. You’ve been so amazing to me and I’ve done nothing to deserve you. I can’t change what I’ve done, but I can’t stand to lose you.”

  As those words left my mouth, I felt how true they were. He was my rock. He had been there for me through this whole mess. I looked up at him through the tears and didn’t bother brushing away the ones that had broken free.

  “I need you, Mike.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment, and when they opened he looked down at me. One step towards me was all I needed to throw my arms open and wrap them around him. I was openly crying now and made no moves to cover it up. I was broken, and he knew what to do to fix me.

  Slowly his arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. “I need you too, but I can’t stand back and watch you with other guys. I don’t want to give you an ultimatum, but I need to know that you chose me. I don’t want to just be your friend anymore. I want you to be mine, just mine.”

  Keeping my arms around him, I looked up. “You want me? As . . .”

  “As my girlfriend.”

  Was this what I wanted? I knew I needed him in my life, but I also needed Gage and Carter.

  Carter. Being Mike’s girlfriend would mean I was giving up on him. Not that there was anything between us. Just my feelings, which he didn’t seem to care about. He was the one who told me to date guys from my school after all.

  Mike was everything I could want. He was strong and handsome and treated me like a princess. He made me happy and made me feel safe. I never let myself consider him as something more than a friend when I was with Luke, but now I could see us together. I knew I would be happy with him.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  I looked into his eyes and smiled. “I want to be yours. Just yours.”

  Suddenly his smile was back, and it was enough to take away the sadness that had plagued me since Saturday night. Just one smile from him, and I felt whole again.

  He leaned forward and suddenly his lips touched mine. He seemed apprehensive, so I brought my arms up and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him closer. He deepened the kiss, and every thought disappeared from my mind. This felt right, like it was exactly where I belonged.

  He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine. His smile reached his eyes for the first time all day. We stood like that with our arms wrapped around each other, until someone behind us started clapping.

  I jumped and turned around to see Mckayla grinning like crazy and slowing her clapping. “This is the most precious thing I’ve ever seen, but class is about to end, so we need to get back.” She winked at me before turning back.

  Giggles escaped me as Mike reached for my hand and led me back to my class. When we got to the door, he stopped and gave my hand a squeeze.

  “I’ll meet you after your last class and walk you out. Okay, girlfriend?”

  Still giggling, I nodded and stood up on my tiptoes to plant one last kiss on his cheek. “Okay, boyfriend.”

  Chapter 15

  I had a boyfriend. Over the course of a few class periods, I had gone from being frozen out by all of my friends to taking advice from Gage, to being forgiven, to having a boyfriend. Talk about drama.

  Chemistry was usually fifty minutes of playing “don’t make eye contact” with Luke, but now I was playing that game with everyone in the class. A few minutes into the lecture, whispers spread and phones were vibrating every few seconds. I tried to tell myself that maybe a fight broke out, or a celebrity was sighted close by.
Anything to convince myself that word hadn’t already spread about me and Mike.

  My fears were confirmed when the last bell rang and Luke made his way to my desk while I was putting my things away. “I just heard the news. I’m happy for you, Aubrey.”

  Suddenly, I was confused. Why was he happy for me? Maybe this wasn’t about my new relationship status. “Thanks?”

  “I know I let you down as a boyfriend, so I’m glad you have Mike. He’ll treat you how you deserve.” He slapped me once on the shoulder before leaving.

  I sat there, stunned. That was almost an apology for being the lamest human ever and dumping me as my world was crumbling around me. Almost.

  I noticed people looking at me and smiling when I opened the classroom door and entered the hall. It was like I entered the Twilight Zone. I was ready to make a run for it when I felt arms slide around my waist pulling me against a hard body.

  “Hey there, beautiful.” Mike’s breath tickled my neck.

  I turned in his arms and smiled up at him. “People have been staring and smiling at me all through class. How do they already know?”

  He grinned but shrugged his shoulders. “Mckayla probably alerted the troops and they spread the word. Don’t worry about it; people are just excited for us.”

  Sure, people I didn’t know were happy for me, but now I was just thinking about how Gage would feel about the news . . . or Carter, for that matter. Brandon would probably be happy about it, and he might even let me leave the house with Mike.

  Once we got to the lot, Mike twisted me around, putting my back against my car. He leaned forward with a shy smile and kissed me lightly once. My eyes fluttered closed when his lips pressed against mine again. After a heartbeat he deepened the kiss, making my toes curl.

  Stepping back, he looked down at me with his megawatt smile. “Since you don’t have dance today, do you want to come watch practice?”

  I bit my lip to keep myself from responding too quickly. “Actually, I have to practice my solo. Competitions start soon and I’m one of the three that may be showcased.”

  His shoulders fell. “Really? All the other girlfriends come to watch us, though.”

  Did he really expect me to forget about my practice to come watch his? “I bet those girls aren’t new on a nationally ranked team. I need to be able to hold my own with these girls.”

  “You’re right. I’m just not used to having such a talented girlfriend.” He winked and turned toward his car. “I’ll see you later.”

  I stood leaning against my car as I watched him leave. Who knew being in a relationship with him had extracurricular requirements?

  Pushing the thought out of my mind, I got in and drove to the studio, counting out my routine. Once I was changed and found an empty room, I turned on my music and began warming up. I had been working on this solo back in Chicago, and it was one of the most difficult pieces I’d done.

  I lost myself for over two hours before another girl opened the door and asked if she could use the room.

  I gathered my things and my bag and headed to my car. I sent Brandon a text letting him know where I was and when I would be home. I knew I was going to be on a short leash for a while. I was shocked he even let me go to the studio by myself. I had visions of an ice bath when I got home; otherwise I would be too sore for practice tomorrow. I bought a few bags of ice on my way and waddled through the front door trying to keep a grip on the bags, my dance bag, and my backpack.

  I made it a few feet when voices caught me off guard. Brandon had been working late most nights, so I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here for a few hours. Dropping the bags on the floor, I called out for him.

  “Hey, Aubrey, we’re in the living room.”

  “We”?

  Brandon was sitting on the couch next to Carter, with a pizza box between them.

  “What’s going on, slackers?”

  Carter pulled his gaze off the TV long enough to nod and smile before turning back. I looked at the TV, trying to figure out what had their attention. Basketball. Of course. Soon there was a commercial break, and Brandon turned to me.

  “Anything interesting happen today, little sister?” He touched a finger to the edge of his glasses, sliding them up.

  I held his gaze. I’d learned long ago to never admit to anything first. Let him tell me what he knew.

  “Anything at all?” Holding out longer earned me a raised eyebrow. He knew something. Nothing interested had happened expect for Mike, but how could he know that? Actually, there was Mckayla, Diane . . . even Mike would have already told him.

  “We’re going to start a new lab in Chemistry next week. We might even get to use real chemicals finally.” I said it with a straight face, not wanting to cave in yet.

  “That is interesting. Anything else?”

  “I worked on my solo for two hours. I’m pretty comfortable with it now. I actually got ice for a bath, so if you don’t have anything you need to talk to me about, I’m going to go put that in my tub.” I turned, hoping for a quick escape.

  “Sit.” Or not. “You’re honestly not going to tell me about Mike?” He feigned hurt.

  “You already knew.”

  “How did you know?”

  “I’m not usually greeted by an inquisition of my daily activities.” I folded my arms over my chest. Discussing this in front of Carter didn’t feel right, especially since I’d landed him in the hospital just two days ago.

  “Enough with the attitude, munchkin. So, you and Mike? How did that happen?”

  “He told me he didn’t want to be just friends anymore, so we’re trying the couple thing.”

  “Well, I’m happy for you. Mike’s a good guy and I know he really likes you.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  I snuck a look at Carter. He had been silent through this conversation and was staring straight ahead at the muted TV. There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to read his mind right then.

  I waited for a few more heartbeats and finally fled the room before either of them could see my disappointment. I was happy about being with Mike, as long as I didn’t think about Carter. That was probably not a good sign.

  The ice bath came as a sort of punishment for myself. I shivered in the cold as random shots of pain assaulted my body. After a few more minutes, I stood and toweled off. The one upside of the torture session was how it cleared my mind. Carter had made it clear how he felt about me, and I had to accept that. I wasn’t going to let some unrequited crush ruin what I had right in front of me.

  With new resolve, I walked into my room, but soon stopped. Carter was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking down at his clasped hands. He heard me and met my eyes. The little fact that I had only a towel wrapped around me slipped my mind.

  “Carter?”

  His cheeks flushed when he took in the sight of me, before looking back at his hands. “I want to talk . . .”

  I nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at me, and hurried to my closet to change into sweats and a tank top. When I returned, Carter was in the same position. I debated whether or not to sit next to him, but decided distance might be necessary and took a seat at my desk. I stared at his profile, waiting for his to speak. His blond hair was getting long. A few rogue stands formed a wave that fell over his eyes. I fought the urge to move to him, to run my hands through his hair and look into his eyes. Another fantasy that would never come true.

  “I don’t know what to say.” He didn’t move, didn’t look at me. He might not have even meant to have said it aloud.

  “What do you want, Carter?” I wondered if he could sense how much I meant with those words. My heart was beating against my chest. I had spent the past thirty minutes convincing myself of my feelings for Mike; now I was practically begging Carter to tell me he had feelings for me, too.

  “It doesn’t matter what I want. Not anymore.”

  Something inside me snapped. “Stop. Please, just stop with the vague, moody BS. You can’t keep going back an
d forth and dragging me with you. You kissed me, Carter. You also avoided me after. You’re my hero when I need you, then you tell me to go be with someone else. Just stop it.”

  I felt like a fool for allowing the flood in my eyes to break. I thought I was done crying over him.

  “If all you are is my friend, fine. If you want to be another big brother, fine. If you want to be something more, fine! But I need you to decide what you want and finally follow through.”

  I felt like I’d just finished a five-mile run from the way my heart was slamming against my ribs and how shallow my breathing was. I waited for any sign that he’d heard what I said.

  Finally, after too long, he turned his head toward me. “I can’t have you, Aubrey. You’re my best friend’s seventeen-year-old sister. Do you know how many things are wrong with that?” I could see pain that matched my own in his eyes.

  “I know.” My voice was barely a whisper.

  “Then you know that nothing can happen between us. Despite how strong my feelings are for you, how you’re the only thing I think about, how much the idea of you being with someone like Mike kills me, I can’t be with you.” His voice cracked when he said those final words.

  I’d always known that heartbreak hurt. It’s pretty self-explanatory. I’d felt it when I found out Derek cheated on me and when Luke dumped me right after formal. But this was something else: a deep physical pain that brought me to my knees. I don’t remember how I went from sitting on my chair to the fetal position on the floor. I don’t remember crying. All I could feel was my chest collapsing in with such an immense pain that I’d never before experienced.

  My sobs must have reached Brandon, since he was suddenly next to me, lifting me up and laying me on my bed. I felt his hands brush my hair away from my face. He was speaking, but I heard nothing. That’s when I realized I was breaking down in front of him over his best friend’s denial of my love.

  ☼ ☼ ☼

  Dance, Mike, my friends. I repeated this mantra in my head on my way to school. Even when I picked up Mckayla, I kept my mouth shut and ran through my short list of things I was allowing myself to think about. She took one look at me and sat back without an attempt to chat.