Show Me Something

by Aubrey Bondurant

  “Just what?”

  He sighed. “Life is short, cruelly sometimes. And I know what I want. A future with you and Tristan. Whether it’s tomorrow or a year from now. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I want that, too. But—”

  “When you’re ready. Okay?”

  I nodded. How did I voice my doubts? He’d never said he loved me. We still hadn’t told anyone about us.

  Tristan’s voice broke through the moment. “Pancakes, pease.”

  “You got it, buddy.” Mark grabbed one, testing the heat, and then cut it up like a pro. He set the pieces on Tristan’s tray.

  The conversation was tabled for now.

  ***

  On Monday Haylee came over for lunch after her classes. I’d told her bits and pieces about the last few days, including the funeral and the behavior of Rob’s parents. I’d omitted the part about Mark paying them off or the DNA test.

  “Wow. You’ve been through hell. With Rob’s death and the settlement with his parents, do you think you’ll move back soon?”

  “I think maybe in a couple of weeks.”

  Funny. I’d had the same conversation with both my PI and my attorney this morning. Both agreed that I would need to sell the house, which was on record belonging to Rob. They’d also agreed I ought to move to another suburb where the people wouldn’t know me as the dirty cop’s wife. Since that had been my intention all along, it wasn’t a hardship.

  Then both had suggested I change back to my maiden name. But if I did that, did I change Tristan’s last name, too? I didn’t want to have a different name from him.

  Thanksgiving was coming up on Thursday. Haylee and Josh were staying in town since she had a big paper due the following week. They’d invited me to have dinner with them. I was happy to join them since Mark was traveling to Florida to be with his parents on a trip he’d planned months ago and my mom was spending the holiday with my sister.

  “I find myself already missing our girl’s time.”

  Haylee smiled. “Me, too, but Josh bought property down in Charlotte. And Brian purchased the lot next door. I swear I overheard them on the phone the other night discussing plans for a treehouse on the property line.”

  I laughed, thinking the childhood friends were probably giddy with excitement over living next door to one another again. “Mark mentioned you might be moving down there at some point. That Josh was relocating headquarters from New York?”

  “Yep. The best part is that Nigel, his assistant, wants to make the move, too. He and his partner, David, are looking for a quieter life, which makes me happy. Everyone else who works directly for Josh will simply move into the other building in New York to consolidate the two offices. They’re also being offered relocation to North Carolina if they want.”

  “That’s great. Where is the property located? How many acres?”

  “Fifteen acres, but we’ll only build on three. Just like with this building, Josh wants to control how close the neighbors can get. The place is south of the city, but I’m not sure exactly where. The land still needs to be cleared. It’s exciting to build a house from scratch, and it’ll probably take the next two years to get everything done.”

  “I can’t wait to have you both down there.”

  “Me, too. So you’ve been talking to Mark, huh?”

  “Sure. We’re friends.” Although I could use someone to confide in about my feelings, the wife of Mark’s best friend was not the right person.

  “That’s good. I bet he’ll miss you guys. He raves about your cooking, and I think you and Tristan have had him spending more time in this building than he ever used to.”

  Speaking of which. “Have you ever been to his house?”

  She shook her head. “No. Josh doesn’t go over there, either, as far as I know.”

  Well, at least I wasn’t the only one.

  ***

  “I missed you.” Mark slid into bed with me in the middle of the night. It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, and he’d just returned from his trip to Florida and his parents’ house. It was hard to believe we were already heading into December.

  “Mm. I missed you, too.”

  His hands froze when they made contact with my naked skin. “This is a nice surprise.”

  “I wore it for you.” I might not have sexy lingerie, but this appeared to get directly to the point.

  “Officially my favorite outfit,” he chuckled.

  I met his eager lips, sliding my tongue in his mouth and enjoying his intake of breath at my aggressiveness. His reaction fueled my confidence, especially when I pushed him onto his back and straddled his lap. It was a vulnerable position for me since I’d be on display for him.

  But Mark’s eyes were simmering with lust as he filled his hands with my breasts. “I love seeing you like this. Will you ride me?”

  I nodded and enthusiastically enclosed my hands around his hardening length. It made me smirk that I wasn’t the only one who’d come to bed naked. “It’s funny we wore the same outfit to bed tonight.”

  “I’d suggest we go to bed together every night this way, but I suppose when Tristan gets a big-boy bed, we might have a visitor sometimes and should wear clothes.”

  My eyes went wide with the vision. Suddenly, I had a picture of our future so clearly that it knocked the breath from me.

  “Shit, Jules. Sorry. I got carried away with my thoughts. I didn’t mean to spook you. And here I said we could go slow and I wouldn’t push you. Then I up and say that.”

  I held a finger to his lips. Oh, how times had changed. He was the one rambling while I was the one shocked into few words. “I want that future. I want you.”

  I might not be sure of everything, but the one thing I did believe was that I absolutely wanted a life with this amazing man who was now under me.

  Hovering over him, I aligned his thick length with my entrance. Then I sank down onto every glorious inch. We were skin on skin, and the intimacy could not have been greater.

  He took a shuddered breath and pulled me down for a passionate kiss that left me completely drunk on the taste of him. But he didn’t stop there. He rolled me over so he was on top of me, spreading my legs wider and then moving with long, measured strokes. “I love the thought of coming deep inside of you. You have no idea how much it turns me on to be with you like this. Nothing between us. I promise I’ll never stop making you happy.”

  My hands stroked his face and then down over his chest before he lifted my hips up and found the spot which made my toes curl.

  After we’d both come together in a frenzy, we lay there connected for the longest time. This was so much better than him getting out of bed to dispose of a condom.

  “I realize this sounds primitive, but I hope I knocked you up tonight.”

  I smiled in the dark, waiting for the panic to hit me, but none came. Mark wasn’t the type of man to make promises he didn’t intend to keep. And he wasn’t the type to let himself feel again after the death of his fiancée if it wasn’t real.

  “I have to actually stop the Pill I just started taking again and even then it may not be right away. Sometimes it takes a while.”

  He kissed my nose. “Oh, ye of little faith in my sperm. I give it a month, two tops, with all the trying I have in mind.”

  I wouldn’t argue with that plan. “I want to move back down to Charlotte before Christmas. I was thinking next week, if possible.”

  “Into your house?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t ever want to live there again. In fact, I want to have a massive garage sale and sell everything except for Tristan’s things and my clothes. Um, what about your house? Will you sell it?”

  “Either that or rent it out.”

  “Do I get to see it?” Although the words were light, the intention behind them wasn’t. He was keeping some of his past from me. Although I understood that he didn’t want to relive the pain, I needed some reassurance that he was ready to move on. Chalk it up to my insecurity, but I want
ed to put my mind at ease.

  He pulled out, tucking me into the curve of his body. “I’d rather you didn’t, at least not until I can clean it up. When it comes to crap everywhere, the place makes my office look like child’s play. I need to get rid of a lot of stuff.”

  It wasn’t a no. And considering how embarrassed he’d been with the state of his office, his feelings about his home made sense. “Okay. And what about telling everyone about us?”

  It occurred to me that I should’ve asked these questions before we’d had unprotected sex. But now they were flowing out as if I’d opened the floodgates.

  His words were measured. “I’d prefer to tell both Josh and Brian in person. They’re my best friends. More than that, though, I’m afraid Brian might be weird about it. I presume, given your friendship with him, you’d want to be there, too?”

  “Yeah. I suppose I would. But why would he be weird about it?” Brian thought the world of Mark, and I would hope he’d want me to be happy.

  “There are three women in Brian’s life who he’s always respected more than anything. Sasha, of course; his little sister, Kenzie; and you. Given his reaction to finding out Josh’s younger brother Colby was dating Kenzie, well, I’d like to ensure we tell him before we tell anyone else.”

  I laughed. “Don’t tell me you think Brian is going to punch you? He only did that to Colby because there was a misunderstanding. Brian thought Colby had gone from sleeping with a stripper straight to Kenzie’s bed. Plus, if you want the truth, he still feels terrible about it. It’s not as though he’s a violent kind of guy, usually.”

  “No, but he’s going to want to ensure you’re happy. That I didn’t take advantage of you in a rebound phase or something.”

  I frowned. “I’m a big girl, and I’m definitely not rebounding.”

  He chuckled. “No, you’re not. It’s only because he loves you like a sister that I bring this up. How about once we get to Charlotte and get settled for a while, we’ll take Brian and Sasha out to dinner and tell them? After he knows, we can tell Josh and Haylee.”

  That would be weeks away, but at least he was thinking about how and when he wanted to tell people. “Okay.”

  “Do you have an idea of where you want to move?”

  “I’m not sure. I was thinking of renting while I wait for the house to sell. At least in the short term. Are we, uh, I mean I don’t want to assume, but are we moving in together?”

  “Eventually, I would hope so. But until we tell everyone, probably best for me to stay in a hotel. I’ll probably have to travel back and forth quite a bit in the beginning anyhow. Although that’ll be torture as I can’t stand the thought of a night away from you.”

  I chewed on my lip, trying to think of the logic in his statement. At this point, what were a few weeks? I’d be so busy with the move and selling the house, I’m sure the time would fly by. “Okay.”

  “I realize your mom does pickups for Tristan at day care, but I have flexibility because I work from home, so I could help out. At least I’d like to.”

  If anyone would’ve asked me three months ago if I could imagine a man like Mark coming along in my life, a guy who I would trust with my son and with whom I’d look forward to spending the rest of my life, I would’ve said they were crazy. And yet now we were planning a future together. “We’re really doing this, aren’t we?”

  “I sure as hell hope so. Does it scare you?”

  I tamped down on any residual anxiety. “A little, but mostly it makes me happy.”

  And it absolutely did. So maybe what had me feeling uneasy was trying to believe I actually deserved it.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Although Mark had given me no tangible reason to feel this way, I couldn’t shake the sensation that something was off the next day. Which was ridiculous. We’d made a plan, and he’d answered all of my questions logically about his house and telling our friends about our relationship.

  Which meant the problem had to be me. That I hadn’t fully accepted I deserved this second chance and worried Mark would wake up one morning realizing he’d made a mistake. It was this unexplainable insecurity which had me knocking on Dr. Mac’s door for a long overdue appointment.

  The older gentleman with kind eyes and a graying beard answered the door and then ushered me into his beautiful home. “Hi, Juliette. I was happy to get your phone call this morning.”

  “Yes. Well, thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”

  “Of course. Right this way into my office. Can I get you coffee, tea, water?”

  “Oh, no, nothing for me, or I’ll have to pee, probably at the most enlightening moment ever.” Ugh. Nerves were already getting the best of me as I was completely over-sharing.

  He chuckled. “I understand and can only hope for such a moment. Now, then, take a seat. Tell me what brings you here today.”

  I took a deep breath. “I think I can’t let myself be happy. Almost as though I don’t think I deserve it. And I’m worried I’ll end up sabotaging this new relationship with a man who is so very good to me. Who wants a future with me and my son. Who makes me feel like—Gah, I can’t even describe it. I think my past keeps making me wonder if I’m good enough. Keeps me questioning when it’s going to turn. It’s as if something is off, but I can’t put my finger on it, which probably means it’s me and my neurosis.”

  He blinked at me before adjusting his glasses. “All of that is good information. But how about you start at the beginning? Take your time and tell me about yourself and this past you referenced.”

  So I did. For the next thirty minutes in a continuous upchuck of information.

  During it all, Dr. Mac simply made some notes and posed a few questions. Once it was all laid out for him, he set his pen down and met my eyes.

  “Hearing about your history helps me get the entire picture and understand you better. If you don’t take anything else from this session, what I want you to hear is how very proud of yourself you should be for getting out of your marriage when you did. For making that decision for your son and leaving.”

  A single tear tracked down my face. “But why did I stay so long? How did I get so low that I put up with it? That wasn’t me. At least not the me I pictured myself to be.”

  “The short answer would be because you’d been with him since you were sixteen. The man he started to become was so very shocking that you were stunned in place. Another theory could be because your own father left your mother to raise you and your sister alone, and you didn’t want Tristan to grow up the same way.”

  Wow. This psychoanalysis stuff went deep and way back. “I never considered my childhood might be coming into play.”

  “You can spend hours, days, months trying to figure out what led to your decisions, thought processes, and reactions, but is it worth doing that? Because if I’m hearing you correctly, despite everything you’ve been through, it got you to this place which you’re saying is pretty good.”

  “It is, but then why can’t I shake this feeling that something will go wrong?”

  “Because fear is a powerful thing. You have something you don’t want to lose. Once you’ve been through heartache, the stakes are always higher for the next relationship. I don’t want you dwelling on what you could’ve or should’ve done differently in your marriage. What I do want to encourage is for you to learn to forgive yourself. I think there is a part of you that is still questioning what you could’ve done differently that would have made the marriage work.”

  He’d hit the nail on the head. “What if it was partially my fault, though? What if I made him so unhappy he turned to drugs to cope? Or drove him to become this other person?” This question came from a dark place that until now, I hadn’t been able to vocalize.

  “This is where you have to remember when he started using the pain killers. After he sustained an injury. You didn’t cause the injury. If you continue along with this logic, you’ll see he left behind everything he loved for the drugs. You, his son, an
d even the police force. He became an addict in the truest sense. Nothing mattered but his next hit. Not his family, not his career, not the law and, ultimately, not his life.”

  “You’re right. And the logical part of my brain believes that.”

  “Then you need to focus on those thoughts. Walk yourself through the logic whenever you start to go down the other road. Understand that from this experience you are stronger, wiser and, most importantly, will never settle again. From the sounds of it, you’ve found someone who builds you up.”

  “He does, but he’s also damn near perfect.” Don’t say Mark’s name, don’t say Mark’s name.

  “Ah. Is he? Are you saying he doesn’t ever make mistakes?”

  I thought of how many times Mark had apologized for not getting things right and smiled. “No, he has. It’s been a long time since he’s been in a relationship, and we, uh, fumbled at first. I suppose we’ll keep on fumbling to a certain degree.”

  “Do you think if you got your degree, cursed less, or lost those ten pounds you mentioned as being part of your Juliette 2.0 plan, he’d want you more?”

  I thought about it a second but ended up sure in my answer. “No. I don’t think he cares about any of that except for supporting me in what makes me happy. But I do want to get my degree, regardless. Although I need to take a simpler math class next time.”

  “Then you should do that. But for yourself. For your goals, not because you think it’ll make you more worthy of someone’s love or affection. You’ve been through a lot, Juliette, but it doesn’t define you. It shapes you, and therein lies the difference.”

  I nodded, agreeing with what he was saying.

  “You took a big step by talking to me today. A step towards letting the past go and focusing on your future. If you like, I’d be happy to see you again tomorrow. We’ll work on some techniques for turning off your negative voice and continue to build your self-confidence.”

  I smiled for the first time, relieved that the hard part of laying it all out there was done. “Good. Let’s set it up, then.”

  ***

  Over the next week, I met with Dr. Mac a few more times, trying to cram the sessions in before we moved. I was becoming more comfortable with each visit and making progress against my insecurities. Although I’d gone in with the intention of ensuring I didn’t sabotage my relationship, what I’d gotten out of our sessions was so much more. I could feel myself growing more confident and more forgiving of myself regarding the past. I was ready to focus on our future. Together.