Show Me Something

by Aubrey Bondurant

  He watched me push the twenty towards him again and sighed. “Uber.”

  “What?”

  “People don’t call taxis anymore. They get Uber or Lyft rides.”

  I knew he was only trying to distract me, Brian style, but it wasn’t working. “Thanks for the tip. Now, are you driving me back there or not?”

  “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  Me, neither, but I’d already left Mark once without being honest about my feelings. I wasn’t doing it again. This time I’d ensure he knew where I stood, and hopefully, we’d both put it all out there. “I’m tougher than my size.” This time it wasn’t an act; I was actually starting to believe it.

  “Which is why I’m taking this twenty instead of arguing. What will you do if he refuses to see you?”

  After leaving my son and dropping everything to get up here, I certainly wasn’t turning around now. I’d gone in without any expectations, but at this point, it pissed me off to be dismissed.

  “I don’t know, but in my current mood, he’s certainly going to hear me, at the very least.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  After pulling up in Mark’s driveway, Josh met us at the door, giving a pointed look towards Brian, clearly not expecting me to have returned with him.

  “Would you believe I left my purse here?” I quipped.

  Josh’s gaze focused on the one currently sitting on my shoulder, and his lips twitched. “He’s in the living room.”

  I let out a breath, happy Josh hadn’t shut the door in my face.

  Steeling myself against the possibility of Mark’s rejection, I nevertheless drank in the sight of him on the couch, awake and speaking in low tones with Dr. Mac.

  His head turned, and his eyes met mine; I witnessed his physical reaction and felt his words like a dagger to my heart. “What are you doing here?”

  He stood up, unsteady on his feet, but his features were firm in the declaration despite a blush staining his cheeks.

  “I came in last night to see you. And didn’t want to leave without talking to you.”

  “Now isn’t a good time. It may be better if you left.”

  Being shut out hurt like hell, but I hoped it was only his embarrassment talking. “If that’s what you truly want, then I will. I left my son at home and dropped everything because I wanted to be here for you. No matter what happens, I do care about you.”

  “But if you never want to see me again, never want to talk to me, and absolutely don’t want me in your life, then I’ll walk away right now. Because I refuse to try to help someone who doesn’t want it or appreciate it.” Again. My voice was down to a whisper as I hoped I wasn’t pushing him into just that. I prayed I hadn’t read this situation all wrong. It was damn hard to make myself completely vulnerable this way.

  “However, if there’s any chance that’s not true, then don’t make me walk out your door. Because I won’t ever come back.”

  Time stood still. Although there were three other people in the room, it felt as if it was only Mark and I, incredible emotion flowing between us. Finally, as I turned on my heel, his voice broke through.

  “Wait, Jules. Please.”

  Three words had never sounded better. Air filled my lungs again. I wasted no time in closing the distance between us and putting my arms around him. I felt thankful when he did the same, squeezing me tight.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured into my neck. “It was the humiliation talking. I can’t believe you came.” He let out a shaky breath.

  “Of course I did. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were upset about me leaving. I thought when I didn’t hear from you that you weren’t as affected. That maybe you’d moved on.”

  He leaned back, glancing around the room and gesturing with his arm. “If you haven’t noticed, that’s not exactly my strong suit.”

  I couldn’t keep myself from grinning. Especially since he was now smiling, too. When I glanced at the others in the room, I saw his comment had given everyone the levity they’d needed. At least he wasn’t afraid to address the elephant in the room. “No, I don’t suppose it is.”

  “Mark, would you feel comfortable having Juliette join us in our talk?” Dr. Mac asked.

  “Yes, but not here. Maybe at the apartment or your office.”

  He must’ve seen my involuntary flinch and understood I felt he was shutting me out of his house again. “It’s not you, Jules. I just think it might be easier for me to talk some place neutral, without everything from the past around me. I shudder to think of how my house looks through your eyes.”

  It looked like the home of a man who’d once been deeply in love with his fiancée. The question was whether the image matched the way he still felt. “Who am I to judge you hanging onto everything? My own preference would be to take a match to the house I shared with my ex. My attorney friend informed me that’s arson, though, so my options are limited to selling and giving everything away.”

  He smiled in response. “Sorry I’m such a stickler for wanting to keep you out of prison. I’m going to take a quick shower, talk with Brian and Josh for a few minutes, and then meet you and Dr. Mac at the apartment building. Is that okay?”

  I nodded and accepted the office key he handed me.

  ***

  Dr. Mac waited until we were in his car to start talking. “You doing all right, Juliette?”

  I figured he could probably see my hands shaking. “Better now, since he didn’t kick me out.”

  Dr. Mac pulled out onto the street and started driving the short distance to the apartment building. “The confrontation couldn’t have been easy for you, I’m sure.”

  “It wasn’t. But I have to remind myself Mark isn’t Rob. Nor am I the same person I was back then, either. If I’d just turned around and gone home, I know I would’ve regretted it.”

  “Do you feel stronger?”

  “I do. And less scared if it doesn’t work out. If that makes sense.”

  I wasn’t scared because I wasn’t going to give another human being the responsibility for my happiness. Only I was in control of that. Bottom line was that I had no idea where Mark was in his head with this. With us. I still wanted a relationship with him, but I had to be okay if it didn’t work out. Not only for me, but also for my son.

  “It does. You’ve been through hell and came out on the other side. Now that you know you can, you can go into this wiser.”

  “Although I feel bad about it, I do need to leave in another hour or so. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Besides, one night away from my son is enough.”

  “Even if it wasn’t Christmas, I’d suggest you go home. You need to put some boundaries on what you can be for Mark. Let him deal with the things only he can do for himself.”

  I managed a nod and then posed the question I knew was probably unfair, but I had to ask. “Given how much he loved Sarah, do you think it’s possible for him to move on? To love someone else?”

  “I wish I could tell you what you’re hoping to hear, but I don’t know for certain. I will say I’ve seen plenty of people move on from losing their significant other and find love again. But recognize that if he can’t, it’s not on you.”

  “Maybe instead of carpool karaoke, they should totally start a segment called carpool therapy.”

  He grinned and pulled into the parking lot. Turning off the engine, he turned towards me. “This session may not be easy for you. If you need to leave at any time, I’d certainly understand and I think so would Mark.”

  Right, because at the end of it, Mark and I could be no better off than when I’d left the first time. But I was genuinely curious to hear what he had to say.

  ***

  Mark showed up looking newly shaved and out of the shower. Other than his red, bloodshot eyes, he didn’t seem too much the worse for wear. His gaze landed on mine and then flicked towards Dr. Mac. “Do you mind giving us a few minutes?”

  He smiled at us both. “Not at all. How about I come back in five? I forgot my n
otebook in the car, anyhow.”

  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when the door shut, I hadn’t counted on Mark stepping close and putting his arms around me. I instantly melted against him, absorbing the emotion pouring from such an all-consuming hug.

  “I’m sorry for earlier. I should’ve been thanking you for coming instead of trying to get you to leave. I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Me, too. But why didn’t you tell me you were this upset?”

  He stepped back, cupping my face. “Same reason you didn’t tell me the same thing, I suppose. I thought you were moving on. Besides, I couldn’t give you what you deserved.”

  No, he couldn’t. But could he now?

  Five minutes later, Mark and I sat on the couch, close to each other but not touching, while Dr. Mac took the single chair.

  As I recounted what Mark had said to me last night in his drunken confusion, I watched his jaw clench when I got to the part about Sarah’s accusation he’d had cold feet.

  Mark’s mouth opened and shut. Then he sighed and revealed the whole story. “Two days before Sarah died, I asked if we could postpone the wedding. She called it cold feet. I thought I was only being practical, considering we had law school to finish and the bar exam to study for. As far as I was concerned, we had plenty of time. She was upset and went to stay with her parents. She called me the night it happened and told me she had some things she wanted to talk to me about. She said she was on her way home. Then she never showed up.”

  My heart broke for him as I listened to him recount that tragic night. I couldn’t help speaking what was on my mind. “Mark, I didn’t know Sarah, but I know you. I believe you both would’ve worked things out.”

  “But we didn’t, because she died. Because I’d upset her enough she went to go stay with her parents, and so she was on the road at the time of her aneurism. For all I know, she could’ve been coming over to break things off permanently.”

  Dr. Mac put in his opinion. “Considering she didn’t tell her parents about any of it, I’d say that was never her intention.”

  Mark sighed, taking my hand. “It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this to anyone other than Dr. Mac. Her parents thought I was out of town and that’s why she’d gone to stay with them. I didn’t even confide in Brian or Josh about our fight.”

  “I’m glad you could tell me.” Because his last argument with Sarah had a lot to do with why he had a hard time moving on.

  “I’m sorry if it’s hard to hear me speak about her.”

  “It’s not a competition. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. I know you loved her, and I certainly never wanted you to have to hide it. Although the circumstances are completely different, I have regrets and guilt about Rob, too. Wondering if I should’ve seen the signs sooner of his drug use. Gotten him help.” As I admitted it out loud, I saw Dr. Mac’s encouraging smile.

  “We all wish hindsight would’ve afforded us opportunities which we couldn’t possibly have seen at the time,” he remarked.

  We both sat there absorbing his words until Dr. Mac asked the next burning question. “Did you feel guilty being happy with Juliette and planning a future with her?”

  Mark hesitated. “I wish I hadn’t.”

  Therein lay a big problem. His guilt. Unless he could get past it and stop blaming himself, we didn’t stand a chance.

  Dr. Mac adjusted his glasses before asking, “Do you think Sarah wouldn’t want you to be happy?”

  “I know she would’ve, but how do I reconcile having told her that she was the love of my life to finding that someone else could be the same?”

  His admission might’ve caused me pain if I hadn’t thought I’d married the supposed love of my life, too. The big difference, however, was that Rob had systematically destroyed our future. Sarah’s had been tragically cut short.

  “Juliette, I’d like to hear what you’re thinking at this point.” Dr. Mac turned towards me.

  I knew I needed to own up to my part in undermining the relationship. “I think...” I hesitated. “I think I should’ve been more honest with Mark about how I was feeling.”

  “How’s that?” Mark’s gaze completely focused on me, and he looked surprised by my admission.

  “I didn’t tell him how much it hurt me to be a secret to everyone. How it affected my self-esteem profoundly. I should’ve told him how much it was upsetting me. How it brought up a lot of insecurity because of my past.”

  “Why do you think you kept it from him?”

  I swallowed hard. “Because I was afraid it was all me. So I discounted my feelings and thought that if I ignored them I’d be able to skip past anything that could potentially ruin things.”

  Mark squeezed my hand. “You weren’t the only one. I didn’t set out with the intention of hiding you or us, but I was struggling with how to tell our friends. I felt so damn guilty for moving on. And I’m so fucking sorry for not realizing that what I was doing was hurting you.”

  “And I’m sorry for letting it get to the point where it all came to a head. I should’ve told you how I felt sooner.”

  The question was where did this leave us? While we were both regretful, did that give us a future? Or was this closure on a relationship that never truly had a chance?

  I listened for another thirty minutes while Dr. Mac spoke about the importance of being honest in our communication and about our pasts. Then I found myself glancing at my phone. Despite wanting to stay with Mark, I needed to get back to Tristan.

  “You need to get home, don’t you?”

  I afforded Mark an apologetic smile. “I do. What will you do for Christmas?” I halfway hoped he’d want to come down to Charlotte to spend the holiday with me, but I knew that step was premature.

  “I normally spend it with Sarah’s family.”

  Right. I should’ve expected that.

  “As long as you’re not alone.” I meant it. Even if he wasn’t with me.

  I stood up, and Mark did the same, holding onto one of my hands.

  “Can I call you?”

  “I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”

  Maybe we were simply meant to be friends. Put in one another’s lives to help us work through our painful pasts. Regardless, I knew I’d made the right choice in coming up here.

  ***

  Brian picked me up and drove us both to the airport since he was going home, too.

  “How are you?”

  I’d been asked that a lot today, but considering the emotional gauntlet of the last twenty-four hours, it was a fair question. I took stock of my feelings. “Better than I was the last time I left. I wish I could make this better for him. Know what the future held and even if there will be an us. That’s the toughest part.”

  “I realize the circumstances are different, but I know how it is to love someone who has some issues to work out for themselves.”

  I bet he did. He’d once learned Sasha had an anxiety disorder she’d hidden from him. “What do you do?”

  “Love and support them. Most importantly, be patient with them. The hardest part for me is to watch when she struggles and not try to fix it for her. One, she would resent it, and two, I can’t. But I don’t want her hiding it from me. If she thinks every time I’ll jump in to try to fix it, then she’d start to conceal her feelings. Of course, it’s different for you. Hearing about Mark’s past with Sarah has to be tough.”

  It was, but probably not any tougher than for Mark to listen to me talk about Rob. “Thank you. Not only for sharing, but also for not making a fuss about Mark and me being together. I think he was kind of worried you’d punch him.”

  He frowned. “Jeez, you punch one guy because you find out he’s sleeping with your sister and bam, you have a reputation. For the record, I still feel awful about the punch, although don’t you dare tell Colby that. I’ve gotta keep the threat alive in case he doesn’t treat my sister right.”

  I scoffed. “You and I both know Colby adores Kenzie. And we know that
you’re a softie despite how your greatest jump-to-conclusions moment made you a temporary asshole.”

  He grinned, amusement dancing in his brown eyes. “It has served me well not to do the same ever again. It was kind of a shock at first to find out about you and Mark, but once I saw the way he held you today at the house, I knew you two were made for one another. Let’s just say I always hoped he’d find someone again, and since you’re both some of my favorite people in the world, I can’t be anything but supportive. Oddly, Sasha didn’t seem very surprised when I told her over the phone.”

  He clearly guessed I’d already told her. “No?” Guess the cat was officially out of the bag. I’d already received a text from Haylee about it, too. I wondered if it bothered Mark that everyone knew now. Then I realized if it did bother him, we were not in a place where things could ever work out.

  ***

  Mark’s phone number flashed up at nine o’clock on Christmas Eve. Tristan had long been in bed. Earlier, we’d set out cookies and milk for Santa. Then, once he was in his crib, my mother had helped me set up gifts from Santa, including a new, bright red tricycle.

  “Hi.”

  “Hi. I hope when you said you didn’t mind me calling, this wasn’t too soon.”

  “It definitely isn’t.”

  “Do you have time to talk?”

  I went into the small bathroom off of the guest room we were using so I wouldn’t wake Tristan. “Yeah. Everyone else is in bed.”

  “I bet it’ll be fun in the morning when Tristan wakes up.”

  “It will. I got him a tricycle. I mean Santa did. Has a bell and everything on it.”

  “Sounds amazing. I wish I was there.”

  I didn’t know what to say to this, especially if he was with Sarah’s family, so I stayed quiet.

  Mark spoke up again, sounding nervous even through the phone. “I realize the last two days couldn’t have been easy for you, and I guess— Well, I guess I needed to know if you’re anxious to get far, far away from me.”

  “They weren’t easy for you, either, but you opening up in front of me with Dr. Mac meant a lot to me. And I’m not that far. Only in Charlotte.”