by A. C. Bextor
“They will. Now, get in the shower and let’s get going.”
Coming at me in a dead run, she jumps into my arms so I don’t have a choice but to grab her bare ass in my hands as she wraps her legs around my waist. She’s clinging to me by both arms and legs. She doesn’t voice a thank you, but I hear the hitch in her breath and a brief whimper, so I know somewhere amidst all this crazy my girl is happy.
Come Hell or high water, she’s going to see her son tomorrow.
AFTER ACE TOLD me we were leaving and my sobs of elation subsided, we made it to the living room where I found everyone Ace said would be there.
Hayden was hiding a smile because, tragically, he heard Ace and I minutes prior. Travis was sitting on the couch, staring out the window in his usual unspoken way. Bean was sitting on her stool at the bar smiling at me in understanding, knowing I was headed to meet my son. Sarah was shamelessly drooling, yes drooling, over Hayden Flynn. She couldn’t have been standing closer to him as he leaned on the bar from the kitchen if she tried. I told Ace she has a small crush on Hayden, but I was wrong about that; this is a galactic heartbreak in the making.
On the airplane, I’m sandwiched, no doubt methodically, between both Travis, to my left, and Ace, to my right. Travis is leaning against the airplane’s window, listening to his iPod with his eyes closed. He told me briefly on the ride here that he’s scared to fly but he’s doing it for me, citing Ace will need back up in handling my parents. I believe him. Ace under pressure hasn’t proven productive in the past, and I’ve no doubt my parents will take one look at him and Travis and assume I’m there to muscle my way into getting Decklan back. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m only there to meet him.
“C’mere, Cherry.” Ace moves his arm around me, and I make my way into his body from my middle seat. He kisses the top of my head before prodding, “You nervous?”
I nod my head, not bothering to hide the truth. “Yeah. What if he doesn’t like me? What if I don’t get to see him? What if he…”
“Baby, he’s like, what? Five? He’s not old enough to know how to judge anyone except maybe a few cartoon characters. It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”
“I abandoned him.” I can’t hide the shame I feel from anyone, most of all from Ace.
“You didn’t. You left him with your parents to give him a life you couldn’t give him at the time. He doesn’t understand that now, but one day he will and he’ll thank you for it.”
“Is that how you got to be with Bean? You said your parents are still alive.”
“Yes. They weren’t like you, though; there wasn’t a good habit or trait found in either of them. I imagine they’re still together, or dead. Fuck if I know or care.”
“I’m excited.” Sitting up, I look into Ace’s strong features: his dark-brown eyes with lashes that touch his cheek with each blink; the dark-brown hair he keeps short because he knows I like it this way; and the colorful array of tattoos that decorate his skin. I’m blessed to have him in my life. “Thank you for this.”
His face relaxes, his head tilts to the side and he leans his neck down to kiss me chastely, softly, but filled with sincerity. “You’ll get him back, but don’t rush it. It’ll take time for your parents to meet me and see how you’ve changed since they last knew you.”
I know this, but it makes me no less excited and thankful.
“Are you guys done with the lovey bullshit? If I gotta be with you both all weekend, I’m not watching that shit.” Travis is irritable as well as motion-sick.
“We’re done,” I appease him in his vulnerable state. We’re not done, but that battle can be fought later.
“We still sharing a room?” Travis asks, after giving himself a few more minutes to contemplate.
Ace nods as he kisses the crown of my head and gives me another soft squeeze in affection.
“Fuck. I’m not watching you two or listening to you two go at it again after this morning. Ace, your fuckin’ walls are paper thin and Rae, your voice echoes off them. Echoes. Not that I’m interested in either of you two, but it was hard to sit still knowing what the fuck was going on in there. Especially in front of Bean, for fuck’s sake.”
Oh, my God.
I knew they could hear me, but he just replayed the entire scene on an airplane, in public. His eyes are still closed so he has no idea the audience he just attracted with his candid recollection.
Ace side arm punches him across my seat from behind me, and I’m jolted with its delivery. Travis removes his ear buds long enough for Ace to lay into him. “Are you fuckin’ insane? You just embarrassed the shit out of her.”
Travis dismisses Ace’s jab and question. “And you, fucker? Did I embarrass you?”
“Fuck no, man. I was the one person in the room causing her to moan and get hers, twice, if I remember right.” They fist-bump across my body and laugh.
Again, on an airplane, in public. Jesus.
Hissing loudly, I sit up, turn in my seat so I capture the attention of both of them, and make my feelings known. “Wondering, guys, if we could curb the conversation, like to a halt? People around us are listening!”
Ace shrugs and Travis closes his eyes again and thumps to the beat of the music using his thumb against his knee. The people within a three-row area just got a play-by-play of my memorable morning.
I’ve had enough sex, sometimes with multiple people at one time, and I’m not ashamed of that fact. It’s part of my past, so be it. Ace is hot and it’s debatable if Travis is just as hot, maybe hotter, but I don’t want people knowing about my morning race to the sated finish line.
Looking at Ace, who’s grinning like a satisfied fool, I say loud enough for all of these same witnesses to hear, “You’ll get no more of that this weekend. It’s juvenile to discuss your conquests in front of others!”
“Ah, come here. You don’t mean that.”
Casting him an evil glance, I see him visibly shrink in his seat. The thought of no sex for a matter of two days freaks him out. I own him in this, and I’ll live up to my threat without hesitation just to teach him a lesson.
Ass.
Finding the hotel was easy. Rather quickly, we’re checked in, unpacked, and fed; we’re ready to go meet my parents.
“Ready?” Travis asks as he walks in front of Ace and I into the lobby of the hotel.
I don’t say anything. I’ve kept quiet the last few hours, mainly because I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do or say to Decklan if I’m able to see him.
“She’s ready.” Ace grabs me from behind, hugging me tightly in reassurance.
Travis looks back at me and sweetly reassures me his own way. “Yeah, go time. Let’s do this, Rae.”
The cab ride was quiet, and I was scrunched and crowded between Travis and Ace in the back seat. Luckily, the cabbie didn’t get a first-hand walk down memory lane the same as all those poor people on the plane did.
I feel my heart beating against my chest and my body is shaking as we pull up to the house I grew up in, until I left. I was sixteen and pregnant with Decklan and about to move in with a monster, the monster being Decklan’s father, Vinnie.
The house has been painted, and the trees and landscape have aged but haven’t changed. I see a small child’s playground decorating the front lawn. From what I can see, my dad has also made Decklan a sandbox, as well; yellow trucks and red and green buckets fill it. The thought hurts, but relieves me the same; my son lives a happy and full life, but at the expense of never knowing me.
What could I ever give him? The truth haunts me. I have nothing to offer.
Travis pays the cabbie, and as I watch it drive away I bend over, placing my hands on my knees. I’m finding it difficult to breathe. I don’t want this to be a mistake. I don’t want to ruin this. The chance to meet my son could be taken out of my hands if my parents decide I’m still not, nor ever will be, worthy of him.
“Raegan? Is that you?” My dad. A voice I haven’t heard in years call
s out to me as if he’s seen me every day this week and I’m still familiar to him.
As I straighten my back, I hold my posture, just barely. But the moment I speak, it’s evident to everyone here I’m about to lose it; my voice breaks with one meaningful syllable. “Dad?”
Dad walks to me, hesitantly, appearing as though a thousand unanswered questions are playing in his mind. When he makes his way closer, both Travis and Ace act on instinct and stand in his way, protecting me from my own father. Between them, I see my dad stop mid-step and put both hands in his pockets; an act of surrender. His face falls to the pavement of the driveway; an act of compliance in the face of anger.
Inching my way through their defensive stances, I slowly walk to my dad. His eyes meet mine and in them, I see the unshed tears he’s barely containing. Again, my voice cracks. My breath is absent as I struggle to greet him. “Hi, Dad.”
“Oh, God, Raegan.” Rushing to me, he wraps his arms around me and with that unfamiliar gesture, I break out in immediate sobs for all time lost.
Grabbing the back of his shirt, I pull him from me so I can introduce Ace, but I don’t have to look back to find him. He and Travis have flanked us and when my dad notices them standing watch, his eyebrows raise with question.
“Dad, this is Travis.” Travis only nods quickly, not expelling the energy it would take to utter even a small ‘hello.’
Wrapping my arm around Ace’s waist, he drapes his arm around my shoulders and in a further show of affection, he plants a strong, deliberate kiss to my temple. “This is Ace.”
Dad looks to Travis, then back to Ace, and if I’m reading him right, a shy but definite smile escapes him.
“Ace.” My dad extends his hand. “I’m Raegan’s dad, Joseph.”
Ace shakes my dad’s hand, without using the force I was afraid he might have. The two lock eyes and Ace offers a stiff head nod.
“Anna’s due back in a few minutes; she and little D ran to the grocery store for carrots.” My dad laughs at himself, none of us understanding his amusement. “Kid eats carrots like they’re gonna vanish, Raegan. Remind you of anyone at that age?”
It does. It was me who used to do the same. Inside, my heart warms knowing my dad remembers me as being young once.
My father is a strong man. His hair has thinned and greyed, his face has aged, and he has wrinkles in places I don’t remember ever seeing before. He’s tall and thin, but his strength has always been not in the physical sense, but in his ability to see things as they are. Me leaving, for instance. My mother and I have a volatile relationship to say the least. In short, my own mother hates me.
His question pulls me from my memory. “Raegan, are you here to take him from us?”
I don’t know how to answer. The way he exacted that question was as if he’s been waiting and fearing for this day the same.
Ace answers for me, “No, sir, she’s not. She just wants to meet him.”
My dad visibly relaxes then looks behind us as if expecting Mom to pull up any second. “Got some iced tea inside. Anyone up for something cool to drink?”
Travis nods, Ace smiles, and I’m lost in another moment of remembrance. My dad and I would set the tea jugs out for the hot Vegas sun to do its work and at the end of the day, we’d bring it in and take turns testing its worth.
Luckily, Travis pulls me from falling too deeply into a memory. “Raegan? Ready?”
Ace doesn’t say anything, but he lets Travis take my hand and pull me inside the garage through the door and into the house while Ace follows closely behind.
Sitting around the quiet kitchen table with my dad, Travis, and Ace, I have a few minutes to take in the room. Decklan’s toys are everywhere. Matchbox cars with ramps built to showcase them, enough DVDs to ensure he never watches the same one twice in a month, and piles and piles of stuffed animals adorn the toy box’s lid.
My son lives here. For the last five years, he’s been kept happy and safe from both Vinnie and me. My parents did exactly as I had hoped they would. My dad is a good person who just happened to have hit a bad streak of luck in his only child, me.
Finally, my dad breaks the silence. “You look good, Raegan. Healthy.” He’s playing with his napkin at the table to avoid looking at me as he continues. “I’ve thought everyday about what happened to you. I wasn’t sure if you were okay or…” The lump in Dad’s throat overtakes his ability to continue.
In an unexpected move on my part, I reach across the small table and grab the top of his hand. Tears come to my eyes, but I stubbornly will them not to fall. “I’m good, Dad. I’m safe and happy. I live in California, with Ace.”
Dad doesn’t look surprised as his eyes finds Ace’s hand rubbing my back gently. If I had to label his thought, I would say he’s relieved.
The door from the garage opens, and it’s then that the day takes a dark turn; even knowing it was coming didn’t make this part any easier. If anything, I’m thankful to have had a few minutes alone with my dad.
“Grandpa, look! Gramma got me two of these.” My son, who is dressed in slacks, a brown, collared polo shirt, and shiny dress shoes, runs to my father’s arms, not noticing the rest of us at the table. He proudly shows him two orange plastic eggs filled with Silly Putty.
Emotions take a strong hold over me. My heart rate increases, and my chest tightens at the sight of him and my dad conversing in front of me. The memory of Decklan after he was born plays through my mind; so little and innocent to the circumstances he was being born into.
My son is the epitome of his father; dark hair, dark eyes, and the strong Italian heritage speaks volumes of who this child belongs to. Looking at him now, my heart swelling with love, I don’t consider Decklan as a product of his father’s vicious act in raping me. He’s my son, an extension of me, and I want to know him. Being a mother is all I’ve thought about the last five years, regardless of my constant habit of self-sabotage.
I wish I could touch him, feel his small hand in mine, but watching him with my dad and knowing he doesn’t have any feelings toward me at all stops me from trying. This will take time, and I’m going to have to reach deep and find the strength to accomplish what I’m wanting so I don’t fall apart in the process.
Ace latches on to my thigh and at the same time, Travis holds my forearm tightly. I feel myself start to sway.
I hear a bag drop behind me at the garage door’s entrance. Then I hear the disapproving voice that’s haunted me since I left it here. “What… what are you doing here, Raegan?”
Mom’s home.
My dad quietly makes the attempt to calm her as Decklan sits in his lap. “Anna, honey, don’t start in until you talk to…”
Mom cuts Dad off, another constant memory fastened from my past. “She shouldn’t be here. Decklan’s here.”
With her words, Ace immediately stands, his anger radiating from every pore. Travis stands, as well, but puts his hand on my shoulder to signal me to stay seated.
Ace stalks toward Mom and as he does, her eyes widen in absolute horror. “Mrs. Simmons, I’m Ace.” Pointing behind him, but never losing eye contact with my mom, he continues introductions. “That’s Travis and you already know Raegan. We’re here to meet Decklan, that’s all.”
At his name, my son turns his head and the look of surprise is stunning. His big, round eyes widen as he takes in the two large men standing in his grandmother’s kitchen. I watch him carefully as he clings to his grandpa. It’s my dad he’s closest to, and I can see this as he takes comfort in my dad’s arms, never once looking to my mother for reassurance.
Mom doesn’t speak, but Dad does. “Well, since introductions have been made, I think now’s as good a time as any for some of little D’s chocolate milk.” Running his fingers through Decklan’s hair, he finishes the request. “What do you say, buddy?”
Decklan’s gaze still doesn’t leave Travis or Ace, but once Ace looks at him and smiles, Decklan relaxes and answers, “I’ll get the cups!”
After
Decklan makes his way down my dad’s lap, my dad stands and walks to my mother, who continues to bore her stare into me just like she did so many times while growing up.
“Anna, a word?”
“I’m not leaving.” She says this while she concentrates on standing. My presence has shaken her.
“You wanna have this conversation in front of D?” Dad’s voice is raised, something I rarely heard him do with her while I was growing up.
“I’m not having this conversation at all.” She sends me one more glare as she finishes her fury. “Get out.”
Travis increases the pressure on my shoulder, prompting me to stay seated and quiet. Ace steps toward my mother again and although I can’t hear what he’s saying, my dad doesn’t interrupt him as I watch my mom pale. Finally, she turns around and walks out of the room.
Looking at Ace, Dad explains, “We don’t have much time.” Then turning around to the cupboards, he calls for my son. “Deck, come here a second.”
Oblivious to the firestorm about to erupt, Decklan argues, “But I’m getting the cups.”
“In a minute, son. Come here.”
Decklan walks to him, looking confused but also annoyed in the five-year-old sense. My dad lifts him up and holds him in his arms while standing and slowly walks to my side of the table.
“Deck, this is Raegan.”
My heart stops the moment Decklan looks at me. He’s nervous and shy, but also curious; he looks at my hair, my shirt, then back to my face. “Hi, Decklan,” I mutter, still unsure I’m ready for this.
“Hi.” His voice is small, but I swear I heard it echo throughout my soul; the connection, though ever-present, has been verified and validated.
“How old are you?” I’m trying to make small talk with someone who doesn’t understand that my maternal instinct is to hold him in my arms and smother him with kisses.
Holding up his hand, he spreads his thin fingers wide. I focus on a small cut about his middle knuckle, assuming no doubt he’s a boy and got it from doing something he shouldn’t have been. “I’m four, and tomorrow I’m going to be five.”
