by A. C. Bextor
Faking surprise, I ask him what I already know. “Wow. Your birthday is tomorrow?”
“Grandpa said I can eat whatever I want for dinner. We’re having macaroni and cheese.”
I smile at my dad, and he grins as he catches it. We’re both remembering, once again, the way I devoured macaroni and cheese. I don’t know if my dad remembers my mom’s reaction to us doing that; she hated our obsession with processed foods. It’s hard not to be spiteful in thought knowing she’s raising a child that isn’t so unlike the one she disliked for all those years.
Looking to Decklan as he obliviously stares down at me from my father’s arm, I offer myself without invitation. “Maybe I can see you tomorrow on your birthday? My friends and I would love to visit you again.”
“Okay.” His answer is simple, but the meaning it carries for me can only be weighted in measures of gold.
“All right.”
I feel myself about to break. Moving away slowly, backing out of the room, I head for the door. I hear Ace say something to Dad, and Dad’s response is to rattle off a series of numbers. I’m assuming that’s his phone number.
Travis makes it to me first as soon as my feet hit the garage floor. Wrapping me in his arms, he pulls my head to his chest and lets me have a few minutes of quiet to gather my senses as he sways me back and forth, treating me no differently than a child seeking comfort.
Since the cab is gone and my reaction caused us to leave in a hurried pace, we walk to the gas station just outside my parents’ neighborhood and wait until a vacant one arrives.
Once in the cab, same sitting order, no one talks. Every few minutes, I feel both sets of eyes on me, but I can’t talk; too many emotions are flooding my senses.
I met my son today.
CHERRY HASN’T SAID too much since we got back to the hotel. It’s only eight o’clock and Travis is out walking around town, letting off steam. He’s understandably angry after watching Cherry suffer in the company of her mother. He’s never been to Vegas, and I sensed her needing some downtime after all that’s happened today so he left, stating he was going to take in the city that never sleeps. Really, it was his way of giving me time to help her process.
We’re laying down on one of the queen-sized beds in our suite. I’m rubbing her temple as she rests her head on my chest. I had known this was going to be an emotional day. Her dad I was ready for. She told me they had somewhat of a relationship when she was a kid.
I was not ready for that bitch of a mother. When I got in her face, I probably went a little far in threatening her with bodily harm. Using my tattoos and build to intimidate her, I may have asked her how she would like the feeling of being locked in a closet for the remainder of the visit unless she gave her daughter time to meet her son. I’m not sorry I did it.
“He looks good, doesn’t he?” Her voice is tense and full of pain.
Moving the hair from her neck and pushing it to her back, I answer as honestly as I can without hurting her. “He looks happy and healthy, Cherry. Exactly what you wanted for him.”
“Yeah.”
She’s thinking too much, the wheels in her mind racing with doubt as she questions what we’re doing here. I feel it in the tensing pose of her body.
Lifting her head, she pushes on my chest and uses it as a pillar to sit up. “I think I’m gonna take a shower.”
“All right, I’ll be right here.”
Getting up from the bed and kissing me quickly, she finds her bag and rummages through it briefly, gathering what she needs, and walks to the bathroom.
My phone beeps with an incoming message. It’s my sister, no doubt wondering how Cherry is.
Sarah 08:36 p.m. Hi. Homework done. Bean’s asleep. I’m watching a Gilmore Girls rerun and wondered how Cherry is doing.
My sister and that fuckin’ TV. I’m certain there are worse things she could be doing, but her constant vegetative state annoys me.
Ace 08:39 p.m. Her name is Raegan to you, and she’s okay.
Sarah 08:40 p.m. Sorry. Did RAEGAN get to see Decklan?
Her sarcasm is not needed.
Ace 08:41 p.m. Yes. Go to bed.
Sarah 08:42 p.m. Geez. Don’t be so bossy. I’ll go after Rory tells her guy to take a hike.
Yes, too much TV. I make a mental note to address this when I get home.
Ace 08:44 p.m. Goodnight, squirt. See you Sunday night.
Sarah 08:45 p.m. Goodnight, Aceface. See you then.
A few minutes later, I’m surfing through the channels and I hear a noise coming from the bathroom. Using the remote, I mute the TV and wait. A few seconds of nothing, then I hear it again.
I know exactly what it is.
Moving off the bed, I rush to the bathroom; luckily, she didn’t lock me out. When I make it inside, the sound amplifies. Pushing the shower curtain aside, I find Cherry sitting in the bathtub as the showerhead rains down on her crying face. Once she finds me standing above her, the breaking sobs increase. Shutting off the water, I grab a towel and step inside. Wrapping her up, I gently lift her and carry her to the bed.
Laying her down, I shift her body so her head hits the pillow and take my place on top of her. It’s the only form of protection I can offer her. I can’t heal her inside, so I’m guarding her surroundings the only way I’m able to.
As she clings to my shirt, I let her cry out loud and uninterrupted.
After a few minutes, her sobs subside and she looks to me through her broken form. “I need you to be with me, Ace.”
I know those words. I’m leery, though. She’s fragile and looking for a mindless distraction after the day she’s had. On one hand, I’m thinking I should let her be, quiet her down, and just be here for her. On the other, she could be using me to distract herself or she’s aiming to find security and if I turn her down, it could make this situation worse.
I don’t have long to think since she’s looking at me with those red and swollen eyes, filling with tears. “Okay.”
After taking the towel and drying her off without rushing, I walk to the door and put the ‘do not disturb’ sign out so Travis understands we’re not to be bothered.
Coming back to the room, I notice her eyes remain unfocused as she watches me undress. I climb on the bed, moving the covers briefly then ensuring she’s covered again, my body looming over hers as I stare into her eyes. The room’s lamp is casting a shadow against the wall beside us.
“Are you sure you want this? If you’d rather I just…”
“Kiss me.”
I do and once she releases my mouth, I watch her at the same time I thrust into her. Her neck tilts and a moan of satisfaction at our connection interrupts the room’s quiet mood. Slowly, I begin to make love to her, touching her skin, reminding her through my actions that I’m here with her; never leaving. Kissing her neck softly, I’m telling her it’s okay.
She’s crying as she releases more regret and sadness.
Knowing her body as well I as do, I lift her thighs further up my hips for deeper penetration. She wraps her legs around my waist, locking us together with her ankles. I use this to my advantage and within a few thrusts, she’s screaming through her climax. Moments later, I still inside her and finish my own.
Just as we’re about to settle, I hear the heavy knock on the door and following that, I hear Trav’s voice bellowing through it. I can hear his slurring from here even through the heavy wood. To avoid him waking anyone on the floor who’s trying to sleep, I sit up quickly and when I do, I hear a small giggle burst out from behind me. Cherry’s smiling as she sits up and quickly slaps her hands across her face to stop the laugh when she catches that I’m not amused.
Leave it to Travis to make her smile. I hold her, coax her, care for her, and fuck her gently, and yet this moron just has to knock on the door to get the reaction I wish I could have gotten.
Asshole.
Opening the door in nothing but a towel, I point to the DND sign I had hung earlier. He shrugs through his obvious dru
nkenness and walks by me into the room.
Spotting Cherry laying in our bed, he mumbles gruffly while removing his shoes in one painful motion after another. “Are you guys fuckin’ at it again? Jesus Christ, I missed the party. I was downstairs…” hiccup “and some crazy” hiccup “bitch wouldn’t get off me so the” hiccup and burp “bartender felt bad and kept serving me free” hiccup and cough “pink drinks.”
Then, with one more look at my underdressed woman, an all-too-familiar sly smile crosses his face. Before I can step between him and Cherry, he flops to his pillow in one fluid movement.
Out cold. Thank fuck.
She looks to me, I look to her, we both look to him, and she releases a laugh so loud her body shakes, but he doesn’t move at all. “He’s gonna be sick.”
Crawling back into bed after grabbing her nightshirt from the floor and helping her put it on, I explain, “I’m not cleaning it up. Fuck him. Who the fuck gets drunk from suckin’ down pink drinks?”
AFTER I CALLED my dad this morning, Ace and I attempted to wake Travis so he could go to breakfast with us. Sleeping Beauty wasn’t having it, so Ace and I left for the restaurant, but not before making Travis promise to meet us at the airport on time after hotel checkout. Through his hangover, he agreed, but Ace and I are doubtful.
Last night, Ace had to help him expel all the ‘pink drinks’ he had consumed. He looked a little green this morning and apologized for ruining our evening. We’ve all been there, but watching it happen to someone else is not a good time.
We’re sitting at a café, which was walking distance from the hotel, waiting for my dad and Decklan. We stopped at the hotel gift shop where Ace bought a gift bag and packed it full of every toy a boy would ask for if he were there choosing himself. It’s not the ideal first present I’d like my son to get from me, but things went better than I had hoped for yesterday, aside from my mother, and I wanted to get him something.
When I asked my dad for this favor on the phone this morning, he wasn’t hesitant in the least. He told me Mom’s heading to church this morning, which didn’t surprise me, and that he could meet us at nine. Dad said he’d keep Decklan home this Sunday, marking this a special occasion. It’s his birthday. My son turns five today.
I forgot how much I loved my dad.
Ace is humming while he holds my hand as it sits on the table. Whatever tune he’s got in his head, he’s humming it as if he’s clinging to its familiarity. His knee is bouncing feverishly, and I feel it throughout my body as I hold onto him.
Looking around the crowded café, I can’t shake a sinking feeling. Darkness. It feels almost as though Ace and I are being watched. I’m not a person who isn’t acquainted with the feeling of paranoia, so I’m reluctant to brush it off as nothing.
Scanning the room, I don’t find anything out of the ordinary, and luckily Ace stops my concern before it escalates into panic. “Wonder if Trav’s up.”
“I doubt it. You know he’s gotta be feeling achy after vomiting all night.”
Ace flinches, the memory of Travis getting sick still fresh in his mind. “He can burn the shirt he used as a towel to dry his mouth. Never wearin’ it again.”
I laugh as I continue to look around, still finding nothing.
Finally, after about fifteen minutes, Dad comes through the café door with my son in his arms. Decklan is dressed in shorts, a yellow Sesame Street shirt, and black and brown sandals. He looks so much younger today than he did yesterday.
“Hi, Deck.” Ace stands to greet him first. Decklan smiles shyly at Ace, then brings his eyes to me.
Grabbing his small hand as he sits on my dad’s hip with his head nestled in my dad’s neck, I rub his fingers gently as they rest on his knee and I savor the connection. “Hi, Decklan. Do you remember me?”
“Raegan,” he says while looking at my hand touching his. “Grandpa said I could have pancakes since Gramma isn’t here.”
My dad puts Decklan down in the chair beside me. After, he attempts to hide a smile behind his menu as he glances through it looking for the offensive pancakes he’s about to let Deck indulge in.
Ace has finally relaxed, his knee no longer bouncing under the table as he sits at my other side. He offers me a small smile, similar to my father’s, as he rummages through the menu the same.
Once the waitress takes our order, Ace ordering half the menu, my dad starts with the discussion of why we’re here. “Is it fair for me to assume you two want to see him again and this isn’t a one-time visit?”
I nod, holding eye contact, faking the confidence I don’t have.
My dad puts his elbows on the table, lacing his fingers and resting them in a joined fist under his chin. “Your mother isn’t happy about any of this. It took a long while to calm her down after you rushed out of there yesterday.”
“Sir, if I can say something here?” My dad’s head shifts to Ace before Ace leans toward him, continuing on a whisper to avoid the attention of my son as he sits and colors on the children’s menu. “Your wife doesn’t get a vote. I don’t need to explain my meaning here because I think you get me. Rae left him years ago because she was trying to make something of herself and in doing that, she could also make a life for D.”
Dad raises his hands in surrender. “I’ll handle Anna. What I’m sayin’ here is that it’ll take time; phone calls, visits, and discussions among us all before we go ahead and make decisions that could end up hurting rather than helping the situation. That all said, I’m willing to lend my support when it comes to Anna.”
I sigh, realizing it may be possible to get Deck back one day for good.
“Where’s Deck’s father? Does he know...” My dad stops talking as he turns toward D, who has stopped coloring momentarily to take a drink of his milk.
“Vinnie knows about him, obviously, but I don’t think he has any idea where Decklan and I are. When I left here after…” I stall; reliving the past hurts, especially in the face of my dad who is doing what he can to help me make up for it. “He never looked for me, Dad.”
“That’s one good thing, I guess. You never said what happened between the two of you. I suspect since it’s in the past, you don’t want to rehash that.”
“No, she doesn’t,” Ace states boldly. “I’d rather she not have to do that.”
Ace doesn’t know everything about my relationship with Vinnie. He knows Vinnie is Decklan’s dad and that he wasn’t always nice; the forced prostitution and the daily physical and emotional torment is something I only gave Ace a small snapshot of. I did it trying to keep Ace from attempting to fix my past. It’s irreparable, and to give him the crude details would cause him endless worry and frustration.
“It’s okay. Truly, it is. I’ve owed you this explanation and you’ll get it one day, Dad. Right now, I’m making changes and with Ace’s help, and yours, I’ll be ready.”
My dad looks at me pointedly and delivers his ultimatum. “One year, Raegan. You’re not coming into his life and taking him from all he’s ever known without giving me that. I need time to adjust to the idea and if it takes a year, then that’s what I’m going to ask for. If you want my help with your mother, court, and whatever else you need, give me this time to prove to me you’ve changed.”
“A year?” That’s so far away.
My dad doesn’t slow his thoughts at my interruption. “I thought about it a lot last night, and even before then I had hoped one day you’d come back. I’m going to bring you out here once a month. One weekend a month to see him, get to know him, give you an understanding about what it takes to be a parent. It’s not easy, even at my age. I’ll foot the costs, and we’ll make a go of it.”
I look to my son and study his movements. My only memories I have of him are those that are tainted with his father. When I got pregnant and once Vinnie found out, the beatings stopped. I was no longer forced to service Vinnie’s clients at the club. I was untouchable for a short time. After I delivered and started to heal, the threats of going back to
that life again caused me to surrender my newborn son to my parents and after that, I ran.
After everything I did to Decklan and my parents, I can’t ask for anything more than what’s being offered. I’m being given a chance.
“Deal.”
Ace turns to me and grabs my hand. “Rae, you sure? A year’s a long time, and that would mean you’d be traveling every month. That’s going to take a toll on you emotionally and physically. Leaving him…” Ace looks to Decklan as Decklan stares at Ace with those stunning, wide brown eyes. Ace takes his voice to a whisper again to finish voicing his concern. “Baby, think about this. There are other ways.”
My dad’s body tenses as he drops his hands to his knees, rubbing them under the table. “Ace, I don’t know you, so I’m not going to judge you. You’ve only seen a glimpse, a snapshot, of what her mother is like. I’m offering to help her the only way I can. Let me do this.”
Interrupting before Ace can voice his opinion, I stop the discussion. “It’s a deal. I’ll be here every month and do all you asked, but please, help me with Mom.”
Ace leans back in his chair, visibly upset, but also understanding the desperation I feel.
After breakfast, the table goes quiet and knowing my time is almost up, I start to get emotional. Over the last half hour, I’ve only been able to bring myself to say a few words to Decklan, but Ace kept him talking as if he knew the sound of my son’s voice was what I longed to hear.
Ace pulls the birthday bag out from under his chair and sets it on the table in front of Deck. His eyes grow wide with surprise, his voice is loud, and his words come out quick. “That’s for meeee?”
Ace answers, hiding his pride knowing he picked it out. “It is. Happy birthday, buddy.”
Decklan looks to my dad for approval before diving in. The unspoken conversations between my son and his grandfather speak volumes to their closeness. With just this small gesture, I gain a better understanding of the bond between them and realize then how hard it must be for my dad to know that eventually I’ll be leaving and taking Decklan with me.
