by A. C. Bextor
As I watch this happen, my mind gives its way to darker thoughts. I’ve failed her. My head fills with the possible loss, and I’m watching the crowd around her as though it’s too late and she’s already gone, making their efforts futile.
The hand at my shoulder squeezes and looking to my side, I see Joseph’s ashen face full of remorse as he watches the same morose scene in front of him; a father’s love beginning to surrender to the loss of his child. Neither of us say anything as they continue to work on her. A nurse standing in the corner, unable to get to Raegan, looks up and offers a soft look of condolence.
Raegan’s gone.
“She’ll pull through this. She’s been through worse.” Sadey offers her encouragement as she stands at my other side. I’m unsure how long she’s been watching or when they had arrived.
My confession to the open room validates my guilt. “I did this. I pushed her. I called her a victim, for fuck’s sake.” I feel the tears mark my face as I admit to them what I’ve done.
Taking in a heavy breath, I continue to watch from the distance. I’m willing her to wake up. My forehead hits the window of the door, my warm breath staining the glass in fog as I grip it with my fingertips and listen to the practiced and sinking words of the physicians.
She’s been down too long.
We don’t know everything she’s ingested.
One more time…
Paddles...
Clear!
Cherry took care of me the week after Hem had me beat for my ludicrous behavior. I had told Hem, in front of many, the way he should and shouldn’t treat my Sadey Bug. I knew he wasn’t hurting her - he loved her - but that didn’t stop me from doing what I could to prove that out of the two of us, he was the lesser man.
It was, in part, due to Cherry’s attention that I made a quick recovery. She never left my side unless I forced her to. She ate meals with me in my room, slept in bed next to me at night, and stood watch daily as Gunner tended to my wounds. I remember being grateful she was there, and I never brought myself to tell her thank you.
“Ace, maybe you should have a doctor look at you, and a dentist, too.” Her concern for me at the time wasn’t needed, although it was appreciated.
“No. I’m fine. The swelling will go down and the bruises will heal in time.” I gave her a painstakingly-soft smile, because at the time my face was a disaster. “My teeth will grow back, right?”
Cherry rubbed my forehead carefully with a wet cloth. Her touch was light, but the tone of her voice was anything but - she was scared. “Why did you do that to Hem? And why in front of everyone? You had to know how he would react.”
“’Cause I’m an idiot, that’s why.”
“And now you’re lying in a bed recovering, not knowing what else may happen, while the rest of the brothers have gone out on a ride.”
“I’ll be okay. I promise.” I grabbed her hand as it laid on the bed next to me, squeezing it in reassurance.
“I’m right here. I don’t have anywhere to go, so whatever it is you need just tell me.” She kept her word, and she never left.
Closing my eyes, I whisper on a prayer, “Raegan, I’m right here. Don’t go.”
I feel the hand at my back before hearing Hem’s quiet voice. “She’s young and she’s strong. Don’t count her out yet, if that’s what you’re thinkin’ about doin’.”
“I wasn’t. I was thinking about how she helped me after you and Shame had the others take me down to the sheds in back of the clubhouse that night.”
His eyebrows furrow as he questions, “What the fuck you thinkin’ about that for?”
“Raegan was the one person who never left, Hem. Not once. Everyone was so pissed at me, and rightfully so, but she never judged me or threw it back in my face. She just stood watch and gave me everything I needed to get better.”
Hem sighs and drops his hand from my shoulder as he turns back to look at her. “She’s a good girl, Ace. Always has been.”
“I miss her.”
“She’s not gone yet.”
“Isn’t she?”
With my last question to Hem, I look through the window and watch as she struggles to make her way back to a life that most times left her sad and lonely. I can’t say with certainty that if it were me I would be able to muster the same will to live.
Looking down, I repeat the same promise she made to me, as if that will be enough. “I don’t have anywhere to go, so whatever it is you need just tell me.”
Sadey reaches up, pulls my arm down from the glass and grabs my hand, squeezing tightly in reaction to the machine that starts pulsating as it traces Raegan’s once-again active heartbeat.
Beep. Beep. Beep...
The green lines flash across the screen with movement; a newborn life setting its renewed rhythm after two full minutes of soul silence.
Joseph reaches to his face, hiding his eyes as he breathes in a momentary relief. Hem slaps my back hard. Gunner exhales from behind me and Honor, with his shockingly-rich southern drawl, praises Jesus himself.
I don’t feel anything yet. I won’t until I look into her blue eyes and they prove to me there’s life still left in them. There are harder things to do in this world than cheat death. Raegan’s struggle, once again, will be to survive this life and the memories of it that will continue to haunt her.
An hour and a half later, I’m sittin’ in a room with a crowd of people I can’t keep focus on. Sadey’s on Hem’s lap in the room’s only comfortable recliner. Mace and Joseph are seated around a small table brought in by the nursing staff and Gunner, Honor and Kegs continually drift in and out of the hallway from the room with impatience. Anna is outside in the waiting room reading magazines and not conversing with anyone here. Shame is still nowhere to be found. I haven’t seen him since I carried Rae outside to wait for the paramedics to arrive.
I haven’t said a word to anyone, and luckily they’ve left me alone other than to explain that Joseph and I were going to have to go to Maria with the local police department to pick Decklan up later. Tara got Maria’s phone number from Dominic after she gently explained to him about her knowledge regarding the Lights of Peril MC to include the colors, the brotherhood, the loyalty, and the violence.
“Does anyone need coffee? I need the real thing. This burnt hospital poison they call caffeine is going to kill me.” Mace doesn’t like stressful situations in general and now with Shame being MIA, she’s nearly unbearable.
“Mace!” Sadey exclaims while her eyes look to Raegan then back to Mace.
“Oh, fuckin’ shit,” Kegs says as she buries a laugh.
“Nice, sis. Can you not talk about killing or death while we’re sitting in a hospital room?” Hem smiles at Mace’s misworded expense.
Mace looks directly to me, her body timid and nervous. “Shit, Ace. I’m sorry.”
I smile at her. It’s been the most interesting thirty seconds of the day. “No worries, Mace. I’m sure Rae remembers your coffee addiction. You’re a bitch before you’ve had enough.”
Passing me on the way to the door, I hear her mumbling as she makes her way out, “Wow, rude. No need for name-calling.”
“Grandpa!” The voice coming from behind me is a surprise. Decklan’s here, but I’m unsure how that’s possible until I turn around and find Shame standing at the door with Deck in his large arms.
I don’t even want to know how he did it.
“Anyone know this little shit? I found him and he’s asking for his grandpa and grandma.” Shame smiles through his words as he sets Decklan down and watches him go running to the one person in his life he loves above all others - his grandpa.
“Look at my boy!” Joseph’s disguising a calm and playing it casual so Decklan doesn’t feel the tension in the room.
Shame walks to me after watching Decklan reacquaint himself with Joseph. Bending down, I hear his tone and recognize his anger. “Ace, got a minute?”
“Can it wait?”
“Not this. Need your att
ention now.”
Standing up, I kiss Rae’s hand quickly and walk with Shame out into the open hall. It’s clear of any crowd except for Raegan’s mother, who offers a small scowl then finds her way back into a magazine.
Hem walks from the room, finding his way to us, and stands next to Shame waiting to hear what’s happened. Shame doesn’t hesitate to start. “First things first. Tara tracked down Maria. She’s a feisty little shit and I didn’t bother to ask how the fuck she did it, but she did. Maria was hesitant to give me the kid, but I explained who I was and it seems she had already figured out Vinnie’s play on Cherry. Decklan came easier than I thought he would. Thank fuck the kid loves Joseph like he does cause all it took was a promise to see his grandfather and the kid came at me.”
I smile, but inside I take a note: Decklan needs some education on the presence of strangers and the dangers they can carry with them.
“Took me a while to track down Hood. Once I did, I explained what’s going on, and he was more than willing to offer his help. I took it. You owe him.”
I nod, not offering my thought in owing someone who will never collect on the debt. Hood’s a good man, always has been. If he did this, he did it for Rae and me both without expected payback.
Shame continues without hesitation. “Hood knows some people here, and by people I mean not necessarily the law-abiding kind. He and a few of his friends, or whatever the fuck they are, stormed the club and handled Marcus and Vinnie without issue. Vinnie’s a pussy and Marcus was too stupid to realize what he was up against. He has ‘em both now.”
“Where are they?”
“Warehouse in the middle of the desert. He said he’d take care of them, but I told him we’d handle it.”
This is all good news, except, “Shame, I don’t want to leave her.”
“You’re not. You stay with Cherry. Here’s the information on where they are. Hood said he’ll stay ‘til you, Hem, or I get there.”
After Shame hands me the piece of paper, I remember the others. “What about his men? There were two that–I know of - the one who beat me and the other who hurt Rae.”
“They’re gone.”
Hem must hear my thought because he asks before I have the chance. “Are they dead and gone?”
“No, but as good as.” Shame turns back to me. After seeing my disappointment, he continues. “They were nothing but puppets, Ace. Marcus and Vinnie are the ones who hurt her. Maybe not always by their hand but always by their direction. Let the others go. They’re gone.”
“Okay.” I can’t do anything but agree with Shame. In a sense, he’s right, but in another sense, I want them to bleed.
Shame’s done with me. Turning back to Hem, he asks, “How’s Cherry?”
“No change. We’re waiting this out with her.”
“Good. Let’s get back then.”
Before Hem and Shame make it to Rae’s door, I call for Shame to stop. When he turns around, I see his smirk; he knows what’s coming and he’s loving this. I continue anyway, knowing he’s due. “Thank you. I appreciate…”
Raising his hand, he cuts me off. Hem speaks in his place. “I think Shame enjoys this shit, Ace. No matter, though. You’re welcome.”
I exhale slightly on the way back to Rae. Sitting down beside her, I grab her hand again, thankful to those I once called my brothers.
“Am I going home with you and Gramma?” Decklan asks in excitement.
Speaking of Anna, I hear the scratch of her voice as she comes in to greet Decklan. The room quiets as she bends near Joseph, holding Deck protectively in his arms. “Hi, sweetheart.” Decklan, who is oblivious to her nasty evil demeanor, reaches to her and hugs her tight. “Such a brave boy you are. I’m so sorry you had to go…”
Hem snaps first, lifting Sadey off his lap as he stands and walks to where Anna is hunched over in Decklan’s face. “Gunner and Honor, take Kegs and the kid for ice cream. Sadey Girl, get ready to show Anna the way out.”
Anna’s face grows pale in disgust; she’s too fuckin’ stupid to be afraid. I’m stayin’ out of this one. She already knows how I feel about her. She’ll wish it was me handling her, though, after Hem finishes. I look to Shame who casually leans against the wall near Mace and Honor. He’s smiling in thought, probably thinking Anna’s about to get schooled in what it means to be a family.
Gunner offers his hand to Deck and when Deck hesitates as he looks up at Gunner’s colorful arm, his big eyes widen with anxiety.
Joseph offers his reassurance. “It’s good, Son. He’s a friend of Rae’s.”
Taking Gunner’s hand, the room waits in silence for the all-clear. Anna stands, fixing her blouse as if bracing for a fight. Once Kegs closes the door behind them, Hem starts venting. “That kid is gonna be fucked enough in the head when he finds out Rae’s his mother and his piece-of-shit father is the one who put her here.”
Anna tries to interrupt but fails as Hem takes two steps closer and continues at her. “Do not talk to him about any of this. He’s only five years old, so leave him out of it. Don’t manipulate him into believing you’re any kind of saint. You’re not and to be honest, I don’t know why you’re even here.”
Hem gives her a second to speak. “I’m here…” She pauses, looking around the room and finding no one here welcomes her. She’s realizing she has no reason to stay.
Looking down to her husband, she informs us all, “I’ll be at home, Joseph. Call me if she wakes up.”
“Goodbye, Anna.” The finality in his words halt her steps to the door. She doesn’t look back, but she goes through it hesitantly.
“Joseph? Did you just reference Cherry as ‘Rae’ to her kid? Are you telling me he doesn’t know Cherry’s his mother?” Shame’s tone is full of confusion.
I answer. “No, he has no idea. She wanted it that way.”
“Fuck that shit. The kid’s got a right to know.”
“Shame, leave it.” Mace makes the attempt to stop him, but it won’t do her any good.
Shame walks out into the hall and his voice echoes against the walls as he calls for Honor to bring them all back in. When he comes back to the room, he orders everyone to go. “Ace and Joe, you stay. Everyone else, out.” Stopping, he finds Joseph among the people in the crowd. “Sorry, Joseph, this may not be what Cherry wants, but fuck that shit. The kid deserves to know she’s his mother. She’s a good woman, and she’s got no more in this life to be ashamed of than the rest of us.”
Once Gunner drops Decklan off, he’s dismissed and those who remain are quiet.
Shame walks to the other side of the bed from where I’m sitting, pulls up a metal hospital chair and seats himself in it. Joseph remains seated at the small table near the window. Decklan starts walking toward him but stops when Shame calls for him.
“Decklan, c’mere, Son.”
Decklan looks to Joseph for guidance. This is a practiced move between them.
Joseph offers his advice. “I don’t think he’s gonna hurt you, Deck. I’m right here. It’s okay.”
Looking at me as he walks, Decklan makes his way to Shame and without warning the kid, typical Shame method, he scoops him off the floor and places him in his lap.
Shame points to Raegan as she lays still but alive. “You know her?”
“Yeah,” Decklan says, staring at Rae’s small body wrapped in sheets.
“Do you know who she is?”
I make the move to stop Shame, but once I open my mouth, Shame sends me a look that tells me this will get done with or without my cooperation. I choose to stay quiet. Shame’s been through so much in his life, if there’s anyone I would trust to go easy on a child it’s him.
“Yeah. She’s Raegan.”
Shame moves a small piece of hair falling into Decklan’s eyes. Deck watches Shame’s movements carefully, his eyes never looking away from Shame’s hand.
“Buddy, that’s your mom.”
Decklan’s head moves toward Joseph, who has his hand to his mouth and holding back
tears that are willing to fall if able.
“I know she’s my mom.”
Shame laughs at Decklan’s observation. “How do you know that?”
“’Cause my Grandpa says Rae is his daughter and she had a baby before.”
“Is that so?” Shame leans over Decklan, looks to Joseph and nods.
“Yeah, and Raegan took me to two parks.” He holds his small fingers in front of Shame’s face in an exaggerated effort. He’s granted another small laugh coming from Shame. “And moms take their boys to the park.”
“They do, don’t they?”
“Why don’t I call her Mom?”
“Well, you can start right now if you’d like.”
“Can she hear me?”
Finally, at this point, I need to get up. Every emotional moment I’ve had within the last forty-eight hours has a collective crushing hold on me. I don’t go far in case I’m needed, but I make it to the hospital room door and lean against it for support.
Shame answers after pausing briefly, ensuring I’m all right. “Yes, I think she can. Do you want to say hi?”
Decklan waves to Raegan and a small, nervous “hello” passes his lips.
“She’ll be awake soon and you can talk to her then, okay?”
Deck nods as Shame puts his small feet to the floor. Not hesitating, he lets go of Shame’s arms and runs to Joseph seeking comfort.
Shame stands, Joseph follows suit with Deck in his arms, and they pass me on their way out.
I wish Raegan would wake up so she could hear him call her ‘mom.’
The room is quiet. It’s nearly four in the morning. Mace talked to the nursing staff and, with Joseph’s blessing, I’m able to sit with Rae as she lies in sleep, fighting her way back. The tubing in her throat and the oxygen and IV cords draped around her make her unrecognizable to me. She’s no longer original and defiant; she’s small and fragile, completely broken.
The doctors have advised that the next few hours are critical. The extent of internal damage is unknown, and her weakened body will take time to recover. No one knows how long it will take for her to wake up, or if she will at all.
