by A. C. Bextor
Pulling out my phone, I study the picture she took of herself on our way to California all those months ago, her smile bringing me the only comfort it can. She was excited to start a new life here.
Rubbing the screen, as if she can hear me, makes me feel less alone. I talk to the picture to avoid the shame I feel in looking at her directly. “I wasn’t very nice to you back then, was I? I should have been less of an asshole about so much and just let you be you. I’m sorry about that.”
I haven’t let go of her hand since they brought me to her hours ago, for fear if I do she’ll slip away from me again. I’ve always wondered if those left in a healing sleep can hear their loved ones beg for their safe return. I want to believe they can.
My voice is brought to a whisper, explaining my restlessness. “I’m so tired, Rae. Doin’ anything without you is exhausting, so you can get that this is so much worse. Decklan, your dad, Sadey... I want everyone to go away. The only person I want to talk to is you.”
Resting my cheek on her sheet-covered thigh, I watch her motionless body in the dim light above her bed. I feel the tear escape my eye as the sheet catches it beneath me. Looking at her like this, anyone else would believe she’s resting. Her breaths are even, her features are still, and the machines reporting her progress hum quietly beside us. “Raegan, don’t go. I’m still here.”
What words do you say to someone who’s lost their will to live? How is it possible to make them understand, even in their sleep, that they are your reason to be here?
“Decklan’s waiting. He’s with your dad, and he’s wanting to see you. Do you want me to call Travis? I will. You’d probably wake up to talk to his ass, I’m sure.”
The lack of response from her is saddening. There’s no challenge, no defiance, no trace of her anywhere. To fill the void, I start to hum to her, just as I do when I know she’s hurting for any reason. She’s responded to this before, so I’m praying she responds to it again. Minutes, feeling like hours, pass with no movement.
I take her small hand in both of mine and rub the knuckles, careful not to interrupt the IV. “Please, listen to me. I know this is a lot to ask, and you’re the one who nearly died, but please don’t make me survive you because I don’t think I can. Feel me here with you. Listen to my words. I’m right here and I’m not leavin’ until you wake up. I believe in you. You’re in there. Your soul is still alive, it wants to be free, and for the first time in a long time it can be if you’d just wake up and see what’s waiting for you here. Find me, Raegan.”
Again, nothing. I get up to pace around the room, looking back every few seconds, thinking enough time may have passed and she’s awake.
Nothing.
My frustration increases as I grow more tired. Thoughts of bribery make their way into my anxious and sleep-deprived brain. Sitting down next to her again, I try a different tactic, and I question my own sanity as I say the words out loud.
“How about another date, then? I’ll hand-pick you some fuckin’ flowers. I’ll buy you chocolate. White wine served in bed if that’s what you want. I’ll even kiss you good night if you’d just open your eyes. I’ll give you anything as long as you don’t go anywhere without me. I miss you, Rae.”
But still there’s nothing.
“I know I brought Cherry to California, but Raegan Simmons ran over my life. I didn’t have a fuckin’ chance, did I? You’re so tough and ridiculously scrappy, and you drive me fucking crazy. Show me that again. Make me crazy; I welcome it. Raegan, I’m begging you right now. Please, don’t go.”
I feel my face start to give way to emotion. My eyes sting, my jaw gets tight, and for the first time in so long I let myself grieve out loud, in my own company. Running my hands through my hair and down my face to wipe the tears, I exhale before bracing my elbows to the bed to hold my hands in prayer. I’m not an overly-religious person, but I believe someone is there to help. “God, if you’re listening, can I get a minute? I know I’ve done some really fucked-up things in my life. I’m sure you’re still pissed about the whole Sadey debacle and you wouldn’t be the only one. I’m not asking that you do anything for me, though. I’m askin’ it for Rae. She’s only just started to get to know her family – her son, father, and even herself. Please, don’t take that away from her. I’ll serve her penance if that’s what you’d need. Whatever you want, take it from me. In return, maybe just give her a little bit of help in the meantime?”
Before giving up and falling asleep, I find music listings on my phone and lay it next to her on the pillow. The words of Willie Nelson’s, Angel Flying too Close to the Ground, have never sounded more harrowing and honest.
I wake to a soft and familiar voice whispering in my ear. It’s not Rae, though; it’s Sadey. “Ace, honey, it’s morning - almost eight o’clock. We’re all here to sit and hang out with her while you run to shower and change.”
Her request is ridiculous and even before I’m fully awake, I can answer this. I’m not leaving. “I’m good here. You guys don’t have to stay.”
Sitting up in the chair, I crack my neck and aching back, never letting go of Rae’s hand.
Sadey lingers as Shame and Hem stand in the corner of the room behind me, watching my mood and movement. No doubt they’re waiting for me to break out into a meltdown.
Mace stands at Sadey’s side. Separately, they can be handled, but together the two are impossible to overpower. The hens of mayhem have come to remove the rooster from the house because they feel it’s the right thing to do.
Sadey continues. “I think you should at least…”
My frustration with her being here has yet to show its full form, but it doesn’t take long for her insistence to wear thin. “Sadey, what the fuck did I just say? I’m not leaving!”
I hear Shame’s boots hit the floor in motion, making his way to me, then Hem’s words as he tries to stop him. “Shame, let it go. He’s upset.”
Ignoring Hem, Shame makes his way to the bed beside me and without thought to Rae’s recovery, he throws down his ire. “Talk to either of the girls like that again, and I won’t give a flying mother of a fuck about the guilt you’re feelin’ over Cherry. I’ll kick your ass to remind you of your place. Got it?”
I don’t answer him as Mace walks around the bed and bends to hug me briefly while she stands between Shame and me. Mace is trying to shield me from Shame’s anger, although it has little effect in comparison to my own.
“How about you just all fuckin’ go? I’m not leaving, so you don’t have to worry that she’ll be alone.”
Now it’s Hem’s boots I hear from behind me, his steady gait displaying no anger. Patting me on the back, he offers his advice. “She’s gonna wake up, and it may not be today. You’re gonna need to be ready and here when she does, but until that time, you’ll need to eat and get some rest. We’ll stay until you get back, whether that be fifteen minutes or an hour.”
My voice strangles as his patience and kindness settles in. Hem cares for Raegan, he always has. When Greyson Meyer took her because he wanted revenge on Hem, it was Hem who sought justice and handled all of her medical care that followed afterwards, including weekly therapy appointments to help her learn to function and live without fear.
Grasping Rae’s hand, I look to the side and up to Hem. Shame’s standing at the foot of the bed, watching and waiting for something to go wrong. Mace and Sadey’s sadness is penetrating what’s left of my belief that Raegan will be okay.
“I can’t leave her, Hem. Not even for fifteen minutes. I want to be here when she wakes up. You, of all people, understand the importance of not sacrificing any time left.”
Hem sighs in defeat. Shame smiles slightly before aiming his sarcasm at me. Even in a weak moment the man can’t extend me a fuckin’ break. “Hem, your boy’s growin’ up. I never thought I’d see the day Ace stands up sober and claims his position as an adult.”
I’m sure his words are meant as a compliment, but Shame has never had a way with them when it came to
me. He’s just always been an asshole.
Sadey speaks, and her words curse the room. “Guys, can Ace and I get a minute alone?”
Quickly, my eyes dart to Hem. Sadey asking for this after the past she and I shared is a bold fuckin’ move on her part. She owns Hem in every way: body, soul, and afterlife. He’d never stop trying to hand her the moon if she asked for it, but leaving the two of us in a room together can’t leave him without second thought.
Surprisingly, to she and I both, Hem nods, but it’s Shame who protests. “Fuck no, Sadey. What the fuck are you even askin’ that for?”
Mace moves from Sadey to Shame and pushes at his middle toward the direction of the door. He doesn’t budge and if the situation weren’t complete shit, I would find it funny to watch Mace attempt to physically move her behemoth of a man.
I watch as Mace looks up at him, her mind racing with compromise as it always does where he’s concerned. “Shame, if it were me in that bed, would you not want everyone involved to do everything they could to help me through it?”
Realization dawning on Shame that the important issue here is Rae, not my past feelings for Sadey, Shame looks down at Mace. His eyes are full of adoration for her but in them, you can see traces of fear at the thought of her being in a place such as Rae’s. “Yeah, I would,” he says to her before turning to look at me with eyes that concur with hers in concern for Raegan.
“Ten minutes, Sadey girl. Your man’s getting breakfast soon, so get Ace gone and outta here so we can eat when he gets back.”
Sadey shakes her head in annoyance. Hem’s attempt to mask his worry is failing heavily in a room full of nervous people. “Jesus, Hem. You’re thinking about food right now, really?” Pointing to the door, she makes her aim clear. “Get out. All of you.”
Before Mace walks away, she comes to where I sit and puts her hand on top of mine as it holds Rae’s. “Give her time and she’ll come around. Things look good. Think positive for once.”
I nod, not looking away from Rae’s hand held tightly under my own.
Once they leave, I feel Sadey’s stare drill into me. I haven’t been able to gauge her mood, but as soon as she starts talking the situation goes to absolute shit.
“You’re something, you know that?” Her tone is clipped and terse, as though she’s been waiting to unleash this on me since she hit Nevada.
“What?” My tone is angered and annoyed, not wanting to answer to anyone, especially her.
She continues without delay. “You’re making this about you! It’s not about you, Ace. It’s about Cherry…”
Cutting her off, I give her the information she already has but has yet to use. “Raegan Simmons. That’s her name. Use it when you talk about her when I’m around or when you know she’s listening, Sadey.”
Her green eyes widen in surprise. Hearing me talk to her this way isn’t something she’s used to. My love for Sadey has faded and although she’ll always mean something to me, the weight of that meaning holds nothing in comparison to Rae. Sadey loved me, but it wasn’t with the force and strength that I’ve learned to love Rae.
“You love her, don’t you?”
Looking to Raegan as she lays broken and lifeless, I answer my old friend with absolute nervousness and fear. Admitting to Sadey that I’m in love with someone else feels wrong, even though I know it shouldn’t. “I love her as much as I love anyone I’m close to. I sure as fuck don’t want this for her.”
“Ace, you’re going to get mad at me for saying this…”
I let out an annoyed rumble, knowing if she’s prefacing her lecture with that she’s most likely correct in her assumption. “Go on, Sadey. Say what you have to say.”
“I will, thank you.” Even her lectures are politically correct and polite. “Have you ever stopped to realize how violent your love for someone can be?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Straightening her pose, she offers her enlightenment. It comes across clear as mud. “Ace, when you love someone, and I speak from experience in this, the object of that affection is consumed by your personal need to smother it. Cher…” To my satisfaction, she corrects herself immediately, “Raegan has wanted you and waited so long for you, yet when she finally gets you, what she gets is only the struggle that comes with you.”
She’s a hypocrite. Rolling my eyes and wiping the exhaustion from my face with the hand not holding Rae’s, I explain to Sadey that she’s not the person who should be lecturing. “Says the wife of Hem Collins, MC President and well-known possessive caveman.”
“I’m not a pushover, Ace. Hem thinks he has me doing what he wants, but I’m in control.”
Sitting back in my chair, I match my look with the same disobedience she’s wearing on hers. “Right.”
Pausing a moment, she grabs Raegan’s hand from the side of the bed she’s standing at. “Let it happen, friend.”
The woman is talking in code and in my sleepless and grieving state, I’m lost with her attempts to reason. “Let what happen?”
“You’re in love with her, Ace. You feel for her what you felt for me, more even. You don’t love her as you would your friends. That’s a lie that you’re telling yourself, I just don’t understand why.”
Sadey’s had her chance to speak, and now she gets to hear my thoughts to her idiocy. “Who the fuck said anything about being in love? If…”
Cutting me off before I have the opportunity to release my frustration, Sadey points out what she thinks she knows. “Who has to say it out loud, Ace? It’s in this room. Her love is all over you and yours is all over her. Whether you say it out loud or not, it’s here and it’s what’s pulling her through this.”
Fuck. This. Shit.
Rising from my chair, careful not to move the bed, I point to Raegan. “Do you see this, Sadey? Look at her! Is this what me loving someone does to them? I caused this. If you’re right, and I sure as fuck hate to think you are, then I don’t want to care about her the same way I cared about you.” My admission released, my heart laying open, I still feel no relief.
Staring down at Raegan, answering my question, Sadey’s eyes brim with unshed tears. “God, no, Ace. You didn’t do this; evil did.”
“Then what the fuck are you saying, Sadey? Just tell me, so you can go.”
“I’m saying you can’t always protect those you love from everything, and feeling guilty about it doesn’t help the circumstance. Stop making this about you, Ace. Just love her the way you know you do and let yourself be loved by her.”
She’s exhausting me. “Jesus, why couldn’t you have just said that shit first?”
Now smiling, it reminds me of who we used to be when we were together, a time in my life when I was genuinely happy. “Because if I did, I wouldn’t get to watch you wiggle and squirm.”
Walking around the bed and to me, she strains her height to grab my shoulders at the side while I remain standing, her physical connection not having the same effect as it had before.
Turning around into her, I grab her waist and I hold her tightly against my body. Her words are an echo in my head on repeat. Of all the people that truly understand me, it took Sadey herself to come in here and give me the truth, adding with it a heartfelt Sadey Lyons lecture.
As she lets go of me, she wipes her eyes before changing the subject. “I do miss you sometimes, ya know. Life in Ohio isn’t nearly as entertaining now that we don’t have you around to torture.”
I smile then take my seat next to Raegan and resume holding her hand.
I hear Sadey mumbling something about getting the group back in here so I can leave to clean up. The little woman is relentless.
Before she closes the door behind her, I raise my voice to ensure she hears me say the words I know I owe to her. “Thanks for coming, bug.”
She smiles through her reply, her voice tripping with appreciation to the nickname I’ve not called her since seeing her again after all this time. “Well, I’m glad I’m still your insect.�
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Correcting her acknowledgement with my back still turned to her, I reply with deliberate implication. “It doesn’t have the same meaning to me it once did.”
When she responds, her tone matches mine. “And thank God for that.”
“ALL RIGHT, ACE. You’re taking a break. I’ve got back-up in the hall if you decide you won’t do what I say.”
Sadey’s back after breakfast and she’s brought everyone with her. Gunner, Honor, April, Mace, Hem, and Shame file in slowly behind her. This is an intervention.
Fuck my life.
Whispering to her, hoping she takes my tone as a plea to not do this, I tell her, “I don’t need a break, bug. I’m fine here.”
“You’re not the one I’m giving the break to. Raegan needs one from you. The nurses are going to check on her, and we’ll all be waiting outside. Go shower, you need it.”
Oh, Jesus Christ, I give up.
Standing, I get close to her face to ensure my point is taken with seriousness. “Fine. You stay right outside. Don’t let her wake up alone, damn it.”
“Wash off your mood, too, Ace. Lots of soap and hot water.” Mace adds insult to injury while making her way to Sadey. I can’t beat these two at the same time. Fuck, no one can.
“Shut up.” The weakest comeback known to a grown man, but it’s all I’ve got.
After my shower, provided by the hospital’s community room, I grab my phone to check messages as water drips to the floor. I didn’t want to leave, so I’m anxious to get back and I’m checking for word in case I’ve missed something.
When I swipe the screen and see the message, my heart sinks.
Mace 10:42 a.m. Get your ass down here A.S.A.P. She’s awake!
Grabbing my shit and dressing on my way out of the locker room, I find Mace waiting outside the door. Tears are brimming her big brown eyes, but the relief I find in her relaxed stance eases any panic.
