by Jennie Jones
‘Let’s change that.’ He reached for her and pulled her into him. Her body seemed to slide into his. The palm of his hand warmed her lower back. Her fingers felt soft and nimble when he entwined them in his strong ones.
‘I’m not leaving town, Lily.’
‘I don’t expect you to.’ God, no matter what happened, she didn’t want that on her conscience. ‘I’m sure we can get over this…’
‘This argument? Is that what you think it is?’
‘I don’t know what it is. But we really ought to decide how we’re going to handle things. You know — so that no-one is uncomfortable.’
His arm tightened around her waist. ‘Right this moment is the most comfortable place I’ve been for four days and four nights.’
Lily swallowed. Her throat tightened and her brain swam with memories of being in Nick’s arms. In his bed. She needed to rid herself of those memories, and she needed her throat to work so she could talk them through this problem they had.
‘My life is changing. I’m not the same person, Nick — I’m not sure where I’m heading. I have to get things right. For Andy and Janie-Louise.’
‘And what about for you? For Lily?’
‘I have everything I need.’
He stopped their dancing and looked down at her. ‘So why does all that hold you back from being with me?’
This wasn’t going the way she’d planned. If you could call a surprise dance and a sudden chance to put things right a plan. ‘You didn’t think I could cope on my own, did you?’ And she hadn’t meant to voice that out loud. But it was the worst pain and she hadn’t been able to shake it all week.
‘Oh, Lily. Really? You’re mad at me because you’ve just realised how capable you are?’
‘I’m not mad at you. Not at all.’ Which was true. She was mad at herself.
‘So it was okay when you thought it was the program offering assistance, but it’s not okay that it was me.’
‘Yes.’ She nodded. ‘Something like that.’
‘All I did was help you on your way. You wouldn’t have got that shop, Lily.’
She gasped. What was the inference? That she wasn’t capable. ‘Yes I would have.’
He shook his head. ‘You keep giving everything to the kids. There’s nothing left for you.’
‘They’re my children, Nick. Of course I give them whatever I can.’
‘You give them too much.’
Lily laughed, although the hollowness of the sound portrayed her true thoughts. ‘We don’t have that much — as if you hadn’t noticed.’
‘I’m not talking about new computers and ereaders, I’m talking about dreams. You’re too stubborn to see that by going without yourself, you’re putting pressure on your children.’
‘That’s unfair!’ What was he saying? ‘I’m not stubborn. There isn’t a stubborn bone in my body. I’m a planner.’
‘Lily, you wouldn’t have got the shop. You wouldn’t have taken the chance in case one of your kids needed a new something or other.’
What gave him the right to pronounce judgement on her and on her family life? ‘How dare you?’ she asked him, eyes burning, heart burning.
‘Dare? I’m taking a chance, Lily. Something you don’t do. Ask them,’ he said. ‘Ask your children what they want. I can pretty much guarantee it will be your happiness — not some damned new budgie cage or bike.’ He paused, looked away for a second, his lips moving, as though he were moistening a dry mouth. He pierced her with a look. ‘They love you, Lily.’ He put his hand on his heart. ‘I love you, but once again, you’re too damned stubborn to take it.’ He lowered his head towards her and almost whispered. ‘Can you open the map and look for a different path? Can you see us together?’
‘My children are my priority.’ Not herself. She wasn’t a priority and neither should she be. What did Nick know about bringing up children? Nothing. What did Nick know about going without, and how much pride a single mother had when she was able to buy her children something that other kids already possessed? What did Nick know about anything?
He stared at her for moments. So many moments that Lily was left feeling bereft.
‘Okay.’ He sighed deeply, his eyes darkening. ‘Maybe you could check the grid ref of your future at some point, and let me know if I’m on it.’ He swung around and headed for the door.
***
Dammit, dammit, dammit. Lily stepped outside into the cool night air. Could she do nothing right?
‘Hey, you — Lonesome Girl over there.’
Lily turned to see Dan, who was striding out of the Town Hall with Charlotte at his side.
‘How’d it go with Nick?’ Charlotte asked.
‘How’d what go?’
Charlotte sighed in mock despair and looked up at her husband. ‘Drink time. She needs something strong. And I want you with us, because I don’t appear to be persuasive enough.’
Dan gave her a lazy salute. ‘Whatever you girls need, I can provide it. Follow me.’
He headed for Kookaburra’s and Charlotte tucked her arm firmly in Lily’s. ‘You’re going to get a talking to. Whether you like it or not.’
Lily groaned. ‘There’s no need.’
‘There’s every need, Lily Johnson. Hearts are at stake.’
Once Charlotte had settled the three of them in a corner booth of the closed restaurant and Dan had supplied them all with champagne, Lily undid the buttons on her jacket, feeling claustrophobic. ‘Why champagne?’ she asked, lifting the flute to her lips.
‘I’m hoping the bubbles will puncture that thick skull of yours,’ Charlotte said. ‘And get your love sense back in line.’
‘Love sense? Huh.’ Lily sipped, and the bubbles tickled the back of her throat and her nose.
‘So are you taking him back, or are you still pondering the future?’
‘Charlotte, please.’ Lily didn’t want this conversation. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but more likely she wouldn’t be ready for this conversation until winter. Or spring.
‘I was happy to see you dancing together, but then it stopped and it looked to me like you were having an argument.’
‘I wasn’t arguing — I mean — I hadn’t meant us to argue. Oh, all right.’ She sighed her frustration out. ‘I got it wrong. I said something I didn’t mean to say and I can’t take it back because it’s true — and he said mean-spirited things to me.’ Lily crossed her arms. ‘Things he has no idea about — and I didn’t like what he said.’
‘What truth?’ Charlotte asked in an astonished tone. ‘Don’t tell me you told him the truth you believe. That you were thinking about your children.’
‘Well, of course I’m thinking about them!’ What was wrong with people tonight?
‘Not true. You’re thinking about yourself.’
‘Huh! That’s not what Nick said. He said I wasn’t thinking about myself, and that’s what my problem was.’ Lily uncrossed her arms, picked up her champagne, then planted the flute back onto the table. ‘What’s wrong with people? Why can’t you all stay out of my business?’ She was doing fine before Nick interfered, before her friends— ‘You’re a fine one to talk about truth,’ she said to Charlotte. ‘You’re the one who knew what he was doing. You’re the one who forgot to mention it to me.’ She stabbed her chest with a finger. ‘You hid the truth from me — your friend.’
‘That’s it then.’ Charlotte stood and looked at Lily, her chin up. ‘You’re fired.’
‘Fired?’ Lily gasped. ‘I don’t work for you anymore!’
‘You’re still fired.’ Charlotte deepened her frown, then left the table and headed for the kitchen.
Dan shuffled up beside Lily. ‘You’re not fired.’
Lily put her head in her hands. ‘She means it. She means our friendship.’
‘No, she doesn’t.’ Dan nudged her with his elbow. ‘You’re her mate. She’s considering your love-stuff options, that’s all.’
‘I don’t have any.’
‘That’s beca
use you haven’t opened your eyes. Or your heart, come to that.’
Her heart wanted Nick, desperately. Her heart was torn in four pieces. Andy, Janie-Louise, Nick — and the shop. ‘I know he was only trying to help.’
Dan raised an eyebrow. ‘And?’
‘And… I don’t know. I don’t know, all right?’
‘Hey, it’s your decision.’
‘And I haven’t made it.’
‘Well, that’s something.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Means you haven’t shut him out completely.’
Something weird inside her was spiking. A jab to the gut, a pin prick to the soul. Was Nick right? Did she do too much for the children? Andy had said that when he started working for Nick — Oh, God, if Nick still wanted her boy to work for him that was — he’d give Lily some of his wages. She’d refused, but she hadn’t taken the time to put further thought into the disappointed look on her son’s face. He’d shrugged, and muttered something about just trying to remind her of the head-banging music and dancing.
Lily sighed. It felt like the whole world was inside her head, trying to break free. She could no more shut Nick Barton out of her heart than she could send her children to an orphanage or hand the shop keys over to someone else. So how could she keep all four precious things and make it all work? Why was this so difficult?
She glanced up and caught sight of Charlotte watching them through the little glass window on the kitchen door. She no doubt had her arms folded and was tapping her foot to the rhythm of her annoyance with Lily.
Lily sighed again, but this time she didn’t sink with it, she straightened in her seat. She stuck her tongue out at Charlotte, who returned the face pulling by grinning in a decidedly smarmy manner. Her friend had got what she wanted. Lily was listening.
‘Why do you think he did it?’ Lily asked Dan. ‘I mean without telling me.’
Dan gave her his Prince Charming look. ‘We guys don’t talk about love unless it’s to the object of our affection. Occasionally we might refer to the love-stuff in our lives as being remarkably satisfactory. Or downright unhealthy, if it means the love-stuff in our lives is making us unhappy. Know what I mean?’
Lily let out a breathy laugh. ‘Not really.’ But she got the gist. Guys did things differently to girls.
Dan lowered his head to speak quietly. ‘According to the conversations I’ve been having with Nick, he’s considering his love-stuff options. And how he’s lost his chance. Because of you and your stubbornness.’ He hooked a thumb towards the kitchen. ‘I married Stubborn, remember? I know what I’m talking about.’
Stubborn. There was that word again. The pain of truth didn’t feel nice. ‘You think I’m being way too hard, don’t you?’ She’d thought she was only being hard on herself. How many people in her life had this stubbornness she apparently possessed hurt?
Dan nodded. ‘He was just doing what guys do, Lily. He was trying to fix something for someone he loves.’
Chapter 13
Dan put a beer on the counter in front of Nick. ‘Has she called you?’
Nick picked up the schooner and sipped before answering. ‘Why would she?’
‘She’s in Sydney.’
‘She’s what?’ The glass landed with a thump on the bar.
‘Drove out of town at midnight last night. Went to pick up the kids.’
‘I thought they were away until Monday.’ A whole four days away.
‘Not anymore.’ Dan checked his watch. ‘She’s probably half way home by now.’
Christ. She’d gone driving in the middle of the night? ‘She went in her car?’
‘Nothing was going to stop her. Even Charlotte. Coming, mate!’ Dan moved to the other end of the bar and a waiting customer.
Nick swore under his breath and gripped the schooner. What was she doing? Why rush off to Sydney — a near 500 kilometre road trip — to get her kids a few days early? Had something happened? He hoped she hadn’t changed her mind about opening the shop. God, if she’d given that up he’d have to face her — he’d have to back down and tell her he’d been wrong. He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want her to lose the shop. He’d been too hard on her at the dance rehearsal last night. What the hell did he know about kids or how to bring them up? Who the hell had he thought he was, pushing her the way he had? He hadn’t been taking a ‘chance’, he’d been sick to the core because she didn’t want him.
He’d planned on giving her some space, and then on apologising to her for butting his nose into none of his business but sitting at home hadn’t felt right. He’d come into town this evening to try and make things look normal. To make an attempt at feeling normal himself. Have a drink, take a walk around town. The things he’d always done. The things he’d been planning on doing in future with Lily. Shit, it hurt, knowing he’d probably lost her.
He fished some coins out of his wallet, put them next to his half-full beer glass and left Kookaburra’s.
Nick Barton: total idiot.
***
Lily blinked and rubbed her eyes briefly before focussing back on the white median strip as she drove past Goulburn.
She hadn’t realised until yesterday, after her conversation with Dan and Charlotte, that she’d had so many problems in her life. That she’d created so many issues for herself, and that they were coiled inside her, pushing her on: get out to work, save now for the future, get the shop but don’t forget the children; don’t even think about yourself — you don’t matter. She apparently carried a suitcase of problems around with her. Problems she didn’t really have but appeared to have nurtured.
She lived in the small farm house she’d grown up in, surrounded by love. Even if love hadn’t always been ringing from the rafters, it had been there. Her children were growing up in the same environment. Love in the rafters. They were also creating their own happy memories which would be seeping into the plaster on the walls right through to the weatherboards.
The shop. The shop. The shop.
She’d got all her priorities mixed up and she’d lost something marvellous because of it.
The bright lights of a 24-hour petrol station glared ahead of her. Checking for traffic, she moved lanes, pulled into the forecourt, parked in a bay and switched the engine off. The kids didn’t stir, their soft, sound-asleep breathing the only noise around her apart from the odd rustle of bushes and an electrical crackle from the neon lights.
She swiped a hand over her face and leaned her elbows on the steering wheel. If she couldn’t get things right in her own life, how would the children learn? She’d driven all the way to Sydney in a vehicle she wasn’t sure would make it back and had plucked them from a happy environment, a happy time, a holiday. Not a single complaint from either of them. They’d trusted her when she’d said she needed their help with opening the shop. And that she’d wanted them to share the run-up excitement with her.
She’d spent the last 24 hours panicking because she had to give something away. Nick. She didn’t want to lose him. What would her impossible dream be like without Nick in it? Am I in your future? he’d asked. No, she’d proclaimed in her head, banning all possibility of his being in her life because of her stubborn attitude that her children always needed to come before her. Her belief that dreams and happiness weren’t her due. They were, and without them; without Lily going for her dreams, all guns firing, her children wouldn’t learn how to take a chance and fight for their own dreams.
‘Mum?’ Andy’s sleep-laden voice brought her out of her thoughts. She turned to look at him. She was a mother. She was a woman with dreams. She was a shop owner — a businesswoman. And she was loved by a man.
‘Everything’s fine,’ she told Andy quietly. ‘I just need to make a phone call.’
‘Are you calling Nick? Tell him I’ll come over when we get home. He might let me start work for him on Monday, since it’s a holiday. And I want to ask him something.’
Why would he automatically think she’d be callin
g Nick? And — damn it. Would Nick still want Andy around him? ‘Andy — about Nick.’ How was she going to explain that things might not be the same as they were last week?
Andy groaned. ‘I tried tinkering with it myself, but I’m not sure how to fix it.’
‘Darling, what are you talking about?’
‘I’ve got a surprise for you. For the shop. I found it — in Sydney.’
‘Oh, that’s sweet. Thank you.’
‘I didn’t want to tell you. It’s for opening day.’
Andy shuffled in his seat and adjusted the seatbelt around him. ‘Tell him I’ll be there. Tomorrow. Oh, and maybe ask him if it’s okay for me to come over and ask for his help. You know — the “be polite” stuff you’re always telling us about.’
‘You like him, don’t you?’
‘He’s cool.’
Lily grabbed coins from her purse for the telephone, got out of the car and walked a little unsteadily into the brightly-lit interior of the petrol station.
‘Hello, luv, all okay?’ the lone guy at the counter asked.
‘Yes, thanks,’ Lily told him. ‘I just need to make a phone call.’ And hopefully, save herself.
***
Nick wandered down the walkway, hands in his trouser pockets, with nowhere to go. For the first time this season, the nip in the air had sunk beneath his clothing and permeated his skin. Maybe even his bones.
His nights would be the worst. Sleep deprivation was one thing but insomnia was another ball game. The quiet would grate on his nerves. The big bed would be empty without her in it. The dawn would be torture, knowing he’d have to live through the day looking forward to nothing but the anguish of the night.
His mobile buzzed in his pocket. A call — at this time of night? He pulled it out and checked the screen. Private number. ‘Hello.’
‘It’s Lily.’
The rush through his veins caught him off-guard. He gripped the walkway, repeating her name. ‘Are you all right?’
‘No. Nick—’
‘What’s happened?’ He had visions of a busted gearbox, a burst radiator and Lily alone on a darkened street. ‘Where are you calling from?’
