Eleanor’s face seemed to pale. “It wasn’t important. There was absolutely nothing that could have benefited you by knowing.”
“I might have benefited by knowing her! At least then I could have known what it was like to be loved and cared about.” Jana stepped closer to her mother. “I’ve never understood what the problem was between us. I know that somehow I offended you merely by being born and being female, but how in the world you justified keeping me—but never loving me—I’ll never know.”
Her mother looked genuinely stunned by Jana’s words. She opened her mouth to say something, but Jana waved her off. “Don’t even start. I don’t want your excuses or your condemnation.”
“I wasn’t going to offer either.”
“That would be a first.”
Her mother shook her head and turned to walk away, then stopped at the door. “You don’t know anything about my life. You have no idea why I made the choices I made, yet you condemn me for every one of them.”
“I have no idea what the truth is,” Jana countered, “because you won’t share it. You won’t talk to me—you never have. When I’ve asked questions about the past and about my father, you simply clam up and tell me the past needs to remain in the past where it can’t hurt us. Well, in case you didn’t realize it, the past has hurt me plenty. And the present is doing an equally good job.”
Jana didn’t want to break down and cry in front of her mother, but hot tears were welling in her eyes. “I’ll never understand why you hate me so much.”
Her mother’s mouth dropped open, as if the statement actually took her by surprise. “I don’t hate you. How could you even suggest such a thing? Everything I’ve ever done has been done out of love. I should have aborted you, but I didn’t. I should have given you up for adoption, but I didn’t. What I did do was protect you from the things in the past that could hurt you most. Unfortunately, the truth—and the details of what took place—was among those things I kept hidden. Now you want me to parade them around like some kind of novelty?”
“No,” Jana said, moving back to her chair in defeat. “I don’t want a parade. I don’t want lectures or advice from a woman whom I clearly believe did it all wrong.” She paused. “I only wanted your love. And I never got that. Because in order to love someone, you actually have to have a relationship with them, and you flatly refuse to open yourself up enough to do that.”
Her mother said nothing for several moments, and Jana hoped she would just leave. It hurt to know that Taffy, a woman who scarcely knew Jana, could open her heart so freely, while Eleanor could offer her nothing but anger.
“Everyone always says they want the truth,” Eleanor said softly. “They tell you how opening yourself up and being honest will make healthier relationships, closer bonds. But I can tell you from experience that no one is honest—not when the truth is ugly and deformed. No one wants to hear the truth when it’s not rosy and full of sweet platitudes.” She moved to the door and opened it.
“I can’t give you the fairy-tale relationship you want. I can’t give you the truth you claim to be in need of . . . because you won’t want to hear it. But there is one truth I can say, and you may deny it all you like. But I do love you. I loved you enough to protect you from the cruelty of what happened to me—to us. I still do.”
With that she left. Her words rang in Jana’s ears. Nothing of her life and relationship with Eleanor Templeton could in any way relate to love. Nothing.
Thirteen
The next day Taffy was true to her word. She arranged a checking account for Jana much to Eleanor’s protest.
“She needs to be self-sufficient,” Eleanor told Taffy later on as the two drove home from running errands.
“She needs to be loved and cared for,” Taffy countered. “I don’t see that being self-sufficient has given you any great joy or advantage in life.”
Eleanor looked at Taffy oddly, then quickly focused back on the road. “It’s kept me sane.”
Taffy felt an instant sorrow for the woman she’d helped to raise. “I suppose it’s my fault,” she began. “I always stressed being a strong woman—being capable. I just didn’t figure it would cause you to put up walls around your heart.”
“Being cautious where emotions are concerned is always wise.” Eleanor turned onto their street and slowed the vehicle. “I know you think me cruel, but Jana cannot allow herself to sink into despair over this. She’ll be eaten alive by depression and hopelessness if we allow it. I’ve been through enough psychoanalysis to know this. I’ve studied it too; not in depth, but I do understand how this works.”
“But she’s entitled to grieve. She’s suffered a loss—the same as if it were a death. You are always saying there are worse things than death; well, this is one of those things. Jana needs to let go of those feelings of loss. You should have learned to do that yourself. Instead of bottling up all the sorrow and hurt, you could have purged those emotions and been done with it.”
“You’re never done with it,” Eleanor protested. “Just because you have a good cry doesn’t mean the problems are solved or that they go away.” She pulled the car into the driveway and turned to Taffy as she shut off the engine. “I don’t want to cripple Jana with pity. Pity doesn’t help anyone. I want her to be strong so she can deal with the blows of life. If she doesn’t need anyone, she won’t fall apart when people leave her.”
“Did that honestly work for you?” Taffy questioned.
Eleanor stiffened. “Like I said, it kept me sane. If I’d chosen another path I would’ve been dead by now because I wouldn’t have been able to bear the sorrow, the misery. You don’t understand. You’ve lived a life of wealth and comfort. You had a husband you loved—who loved you. You never had to worry about the things I have. You never had to face being taken from the only comfort you knew, the only people you loved. And you certainly weren’t responsible for killing your mother.”
****
Jana enjoyed the warmth of the day. June in Montana was a wonder. There was the strong suggestion that summer had arrived, while at the same time the nights were chilly and the mountains still bore snow. Taffy had even told her that the previous year they had awakened to four inches of snow in the middle of June. The stuff didn’t last long, but Jana found it amazing nevertheless. She almost hoped it would snow this June.
The town of Lomara wasn’t all that big. It took less than five minutes to run the full length of Main Street. There were a few bars and cafés, a couple of banks—one of which held Jana’s new checking account—a clinic that boasted four doctors, a dental office, and the police station. A convenience store and gas station marked the edge of town, along with a grocery store and pizza place. The town had the requisite casino that every Montana town seemed to have. What was it with gambling and this state? Offshoots from Main Street led to a variety of other businesses: a taxidermist, a couple of car repair services, a post office, and the fire department, as well as those ever-famous golden arches.
Jana, against her better judgment, had indulged in a fast-food lunch, simply because there was comfort in the familiar. Was there any place in the world that didn’t have a McDonald’s?
She thought back to her days in college and all the times she’d popped into a similar McDonald’s. It hadn’t been that long ago, but it seemed like an eternity had passed. She’d studied art and in particular interior design, but looking around her now, Jana was pretty confident those skills wouldn’t help her here.
In a way, she knew she was stuck. Stuck accepting her aunt’s help if she remained in Lomara. Stuck in Lomara unless by some miracle she won the lottery. “Which is hard to do since I don’t believe in risking my money that way,” she muttered.
She drove back through town, noting a florist she’d missed on her previous examination. Pulling into a parking place, Jana thought it might be nice to take some flowers to Taffy. Why couldn’t she have had a mother like Taffy?
The window held a display of baskets and greenery with
a large fifty-percent-off sign overhead. Jana opened the door, hearing a little bell ring somewhere in the shop. An older woman appeared at the counter, soon followed by another. They smiled sweetly and welcomed her in unison.
“Good morning!”
“Hi. I’d like to pick up a bouquet for my aunt, but I’m not sure what to get,” Jana said, looking around the tiny room. Stuffed animals and potted plants were positioned next to crockery, candles, and ceramic vases. Several signs advertised that Mother’s Day has come and gone, but fathers like flowers too. Father’s Day had never meant much to Jana except to serve as a reminder that she had no father.
“You’re not from here, are you?” the woman with white hair asked.
“No, but my great-aunt is. You might know her . . . Taffy Anderson?”
“Oh, of course we know Taffy. Why, we’re dear friends. We go to the same church,” declared the woman with brown hair. “I’m Myrna and this is Trudy.”
Jana smiled. “I’m Jana McGuire, her great-niece.”
“Well, it’s a pleasure. We’re so glad to meet you,” Trudy said as Myrna nodded.
“Likewise.” Jana gazed at the cut flowers in the refrigerated display case. “Do you know what Aunt Taffy likes?”
“But of course. She loves the wild flower look,” Myrna replied. She turned, assessed the displays, and shook her head. “I’ll put something together. What price range did you have in mind?”
Money wasn’t such an issue anymore, but even so, Jana didn’t want to be too frivolous. “I hadn’t really thought about that.”
“We can do up a nice bouquet for fifteen—just don’t tell anyone. It’s our Taffy special,” Trudy said with a grin. Myrna nodded and disappeared around the corner as if it were already settled.
Jana couldn’t imagine that fifteen dollars would make much of a bouquet, but surely it would be adequate. “That would be perfect.” She reached into her purse and shuffled the things there in order to take out her billfold. Pulling out a five and a ten, she looked at Trudy. “What’s the total?”
“Just fifteen. There’s no sales tax in Montana. It’s a source of contention among the residents, and every so often we think they’ll surely change it, but so far they haven’t.”
Jana handed over the money. “Well, it’s nice not to have to worry about it.”
“How does this look?” Myrna asked, coming out with a nice-sized bouquet of daisies, lilies, and other flowers Jana couldn’t identify.
“Oh, put in a few orange dahlias,” Trudy instructed. “Those are some of her favorites.”
The two women fussed over the arrangement until they had it exactly the way they wanted. Jana was certain it was worth more than fifteen dollars but figured the women were throwing in what they wanted without thought to price in order to please their friend.
“There. It’s perfect,” the ladies said in unison.
“Thank you. I know Aunt Taffy will love it.”
Trudy topped the vase off with water and handed the arrangement to Jana. “Are you sure you can get this home okay? Is someone riding with you?”
She hadn’t thought about that. “I don’t have anyone with me, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. I don’t have far to go.”
“We have a kind of holder,” Trudy said, turning to Myrna. “Run and get one of those boxes.”
Jana started to protest, but Myrna was already on her way. She quickly returned with a little fitted box that they popped the vase into. It would help stabilize it, Jana realized. “Thanks again.”
“You come back soon,” Myrna said.
“Yes. Any niece of Taffy’s is always welcome here,” Trudy added.
Jana thought them two of the sweetest women she’d ever met. Their generosity and love for Taffy was most sincere. Smiling to herself, Jana pushed out the door, paying no attention to the man who happened to be entering at the same time.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” she said as they collided outside the door. Water splashed from the vase and trickled down the front of his shirt.
Jana looked up to meet the stranger’s startled expression. “It’s not a problem,” he said, wiping the water away.
“I feel awful. I wasn’t paying any attention.” Jana gauged the man to be somewhere in his early thirties, perhaps even his late twenties.
He laughed and shook his head. “It’s really no big deal. Here, let me help you. Is your car nearby?”
“It’s over there,” Jana said, pointing as he took the flowers in hand.
“Ah, the Washington tags. So are you here visiting someone?” He followed her to the car.
“I’ve moved in with my great-aunt.” Jana had fully intended to stop with that but for some reason added, “I’m going through a divorce.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Is there no chance of working things out?”
His question surprised Jana. She couldn’t keep the sarcasm from her tone. “Not unless he gives up his secretary. I doubt she’d want to lose what she has with him.”
The man frowned. “That does make it kind of bad.”
“Tell me about it,” Jana said, opening the door for him to put the flowers on the seat. “You can put those there.”
He quickly complied, then straightened. He held on to the open car door and smiled. “Life doesn’t always work out the way we think it should. I’m sorry you’re going through such a bad time. Look, I’m the pastor of a small church here. We’d love to have you come. In fact, if you aren’t busy tonight, my family and I would love to have you over for dinner.” He let go of the door and reached into his back pocket. Pulling out his wallet, he handed her a business card. “My address is listed under the one for the church.”
Jana refused to look at the card in her hand. She’d taken it while still in a stunned state of mind. Another pastor! What was she, some sort of magnet for them?
“I’m not interested in church right now,” she said, staring at the man hard. “My husband was the pastor of our church in Spokane. Pastors aren’t high on my list right now. Neither is God.”
He seemed unshaken. “I can understand why. You probably feel that when your husband deserted you, he took God with him.”
His answer took her by surprise. “Yes . . . well . . . I need to be going.” She turned to walk to the driver’s side. “Please close that door.”
He did as she asked, then came around to her side of the car. “Could I at least pray for you?”
Jana stopped and turned. “No.”
“But why? It can’t hurt.”
Jana felt her throat tighten. “Neither can it help. So why bother?”
****
Eleanor glanced out her bedroom window as Jana pulled into the drive. Having spent the last thirty minutes on a call to New York, Eleanor was relieved to finally be free of the phone and conversation. She longed for a peaceful afternoon, but Jana’s arrival was a sure sign against such a thing.
Watching her daughter struggle to take flowers from the car, Eleanor wondered who in the world they were for.
“Surely she isn’t bringing them to apologize to me,” Eleanor murmured, though she was unable to deny she would have liked that very much. Jana had been nothing but rude and angry with her since her arrival.
Eleanor straightened and walked to the mirror. She assessed the red blouse and black slacks. Running the brush through her short blond hair, Eleanor steadied her nerves. If the flowers are for me, she told herself, I’ll be gracious and apologize for the comment I made about getting an abortion. It was wrong to suggest such a thing and I didn’t actually mean it, but I was upset. I don’t want her to endure the things I’ve had to go through.
But you could make it better for her, her heart protested. You could offer her all the emotional support you never had.
Eleanor considered the thought for a moment. No, it would cost too much. Not in money, because she had plenty of that. But rather in what she would have to risk. If she helped Jana and made her feel safe and protected, then Jana was taken from her or
somehow betrayed her, what then? And how much better off would Jana be if she came to depend on Eleanor and then Eleanor could suddenly no longer help?
“I can’t make this easy on her,” Eleanor told herself. “She’ll grow weak, and then the world will destroy her. The only reason she’s still standing today is because of the strength I gave her.”
Eleanor squared her shoulders and moved to the door. “If the flowers are for me, I’ll be kind and gracious, but nothing more. I won’t give her a false sense of hope.”
Descending the stairs, Eleanor could hear Jana and Taffy in animated discussion. Jana was laughing about something and Taffy responded.
“Oh, but we’ve been friends for a long time. You’ll like getting to know Trudy and Myrna a little better. They are wonderful cooks and make some of the nicest crafts. They sell things every year at the different festivals.”
“Well, they certainly love you.”
Eleanor stood in the hall, not knowing whether to intrude on the conversation or not.
“They are such dears. And they make a beautiful arrangement. I’m going to enjoy these by putting them right on the dining room buffet. That way we can see them at every meal.”
Eleanor turned and headed back to the stairs. The flowers were for Taffy. She should have known. No one in her life had ever brought her flowers; why should that tradition be broken now? Especially by a daughter she scarcely knew. She pushed aside the disappointment and strengthened her resolve. She had almost let her guard down too much, and look at what it had done to her. She was upset that a simple bouquet of flowers wasn’t for her, and there was no reason to be.
“That girl will mean nothing but grief to me. Her coming here was a big mistake.”
Fourteen
Several days later, Jana drove home from the doctor’s office. The small clinic was completely up-to-date, but they informed her that their patients generally gave birth in Missoula at the nearest full-service hospital. Jana didn’t find that at all convenient. No doubt when the baby’s due date drew near, she’d have to figure out the details of getting to the hospital, but for now she wasn’t going to worry about it.
What She Left for Me Page 11
