Zombie Pink

by Noel Merczel

  "Gee, thanks for the info," Drew said. "I'll go buy ten of them tomorrow. See you at Andrea's!"

  Before Lisa left Maybelline’s for the night, she picked up five packages of glow sticks and glow stick jewelry. She also bought a new tube of Volume XL lip gloss and some Elf gold glitter eye-shadow for herself.

  On the way out to her car, Lisa noticed something strange. As she got her keys out to unlock her 2009 Ford Focus (it was only temporary until she could afford a Lexus or something more prestigious) Lisa saw a person lurking over by the woods next to the parking lot.

  The person appeared to be female, because it had long tangled hair hanging down in a messy disheveled way...like it hadn't been brushed for a month. She was also wearing huge oversized glasses; fake looking, like the kind the hipsters were sporting as an accessory.

  The woman did not look like the typical Maybelline’s customer, that was for sure.

  "Gross..." Lisa said, staring at the odd sight. "That is definitely not normal."

  The person wasn't exactly acting normal, either. She was just sort of shambling along. Lisa wasn't quite sure what "shambling" meant, but the word seemed to fit. Lisa assumed the word meant walking in a wobbly, jerky sort of a way.

  The odd disjointed woman looked completely aimless, like she had absolutely no purpose hanging around a strip mall in Poplar Grove, Illinois at 10:00 at night.

  Must be drunk, Lisa thought.

  And yet, this person wasn’t even acting normal for a drunk person.

  For a brief moment, the woman stopped her aimless shambling and just stood there staring at Lisa.

  Lisa felt a bolt of fear slice through her body as though she had just been struck by lightning.

  “This is some creepy shit!” she said.

  It was dark in the parking lot since a few lights had burned out, and Lisa was the only employee around. And now, this strange person was just standing there... staring.

  Lisa wasn’t sure why, but this freaky woman had an aura of evil about her.

  "What the fuck?" Lisa exclaimed, feigning toughness to alleviate her fear.

  She tried to put the key in the lock, but her hand fumbled. The creepy woman was now walking towards her in a slow, methodical, almost robotic way.

  Lisa had never seen anything like it before. Not in real life, anyway. Only in horror movies. She suddenly felt like she was in the middle of a horror movie. And she knew this moment all too well, it was such an overused cliché.

  It's the moment when the pretty young girl is about to be killed.

  "Damn!" Lisa swore, trying to get the key to fit into the lock. Her hand was shaking so badly.

  The creature (that’s how Lisa thought of her, since she didn’t even seem human) was moving across the grass slowly, yet in a very determined fashion.

  Finally, Lisa got the key in the lock. She opened the door and flew into the car, slamming the door shut behind her and quickly locking it. Then she made damn sure all the other doors were locked, and checked the back seat for good measure. She had watched enough horror movies to know that often things hide in your back seat waiting to kill you.

  Lisa felt unusually panicky. What should she do? Should she call 9-1-1? What would she say... that some strange woman with messy hair and oversized glasses was making her feel uneasy?

  Wait a minute. She would call Drew! Drew would know what to do.

  Damn! What? Now her phone was turned off? God! Maybe she shouldn't have forgotten to pay the frickin' bill.

  Well, she didn't exactly forget. It's just that she needed to buy the black halter dress and the black leather boots at the mall last week. Those items seemed a bit more urgent than paying a boring old phone bill.

  Now Lisa questioned the wisdom of her decision.

  What if her car doesn't start?

  There’s a horror movie cliché if ever there was one, Lisa thought.

  She turned the key and floored the accelerator. Whew. It started! Lisa screeched out of the dark parking lot, feeling more jittery than she’d ever felt before in her life.

  ”Frickin’ drunk homeless people!" Lisa barked, as she roared out onto the highway.

  She looked back in her rearview mirror. The thing...the creature...was just approaching the edge of the pavement.

  Homeless people were rare in those parts. It's not like Poplar Grove was a big city. Unless the bad elements of nearby Rockford were starting to infiltrate...

  The odd disjointed way the woman was moving kept weighing on Lisa's mind. It didn’t even look human. Even though the ride home from Maybelline’s was short in distance, to Lisa, it felt endless.

  When Lisa finally got inside her house, she half expected to see the homeless woman hovering by the bushes that lined the side of her yard. Once she was inside, she strode purposely into the kitchen, stealing one of her dad's beers. Lisa popped the top and gulped the whole thing down at once, only stopping a few times to take a deep calming breath.

  Then she burped loudly. Embarrassed, Lisa slapped a hand over her mouth since she wasn’t prepared for the offensive noise to come bursting out at such a loud decibel.

  "That was classy!" Lisa announced to the empty kitchen.

  Lisa's Dad was in the den watching his favorite reality show, Mountain Men. He had the volume turned up so loud, Lisa was sure he couldn't hear anything except his dumb-ass show.

  Lisa heard the sandpaper voiced narrator say, “Marty is checking his trap line."

  Oh, whoop-dee-do! Lisa thought. Why do you need to trap animals anyway? Doesn't everyone just buy fake fur these days? Trapping is cruel. Screw you, Marty, whoever you are. You probably stink because you never take a shower!

  Lisa felt the beer warming her insides and relaxing her fucked-up brain.

  No wonder people drink! She thought. God. It was just a stupid homeless person. No big D. Get over it!

  She would inform her boss on Monday about this problem, though. There might be a whole gang of derelicts casing Maybelline’s, getting ready to pull off some shoplifting organized crime thing.

  As much as Lisa hated her job, she didn't feel like dealing with low life shop-lifters on top of everything else she was expected to do.

  She grabbed some clothes and her bag of make-up and hair extensions from her bedroom. Then she ducked into the guest bathroom, which was really her own bathroom, since they never had any guests.

  First, she removed her boring tan kakis and green T-shirt (the requisite "Maybelline’s uniform”). Then Lisa wiggled into tight jeans and an even tighter short hot pink top.

  Next, she removed her eighteen-inch straight extensions and clipped in two rows of twenty-two inch curly black hair extensions, which set her back a hundred bucks a pack at Sally Beauty Supply.

  The extra money was worth buying the more expensive real human hair extensions, though, since the synthetic ones frizzed up too quickly. Unfortunately, getting the pieces clipped in just right was a pain in the butt.

  Lisa poofed up her own thin glossy black hair with the blow dryer. Then she shook her head, causing the long glistening banana curl hair to bounce all around her shoulders.

  "Bouncy, bouncy!" Lisa said, fingering the shiny springy curls.

  Too bad her own hair was just a little on the sparse side. Lisa reflected for a moment on Andrea's super thick honey blonde hair that was completely natural and looked better than most hair extensions or wigs.

  "Oh well...it doesn't matter if you have thin hair as long as you can afford good quality hair extensions!" Lisa informed her reflection.

  Although no guys would be at the party, Lisa was one of those girls who believed in looking her best at all times... even for her girlfriends. She swiped gold glitter eye cream onto her eyelids. Then she applied a generous coating of heavy duty lip plumper to her already plump lips.

  After that, she spent a few moments posing in the mirror. Truthfully, Lisa was a very attractive girl. She possessed a smooth creamy complexion with
out a flaw to be found. Plus, her eyes tipped up at the ends, lending her face an exotic look. Both the mirror and the camera adored her.

  After Lisa was satisfied that she was the most gorgeous creature on earth, she snuck back into the kitchen and snagged two six packs of her dad's Leinenkugal beer out of the fridge.

  "I'LL BE BACK LATER!" she called over her shoulder, as she headed out the door.

  Lisa waited for a response. All she heard was the loud raggedy sound of her dad snoring and the narrator's gravelly voice exclaiming, "In the heart of Montana's secluded Yak River Valley, Tom has made a home for himself..."

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Andrea was relieved that she wasn't alone in the house anymore. Lisa, Patty and Drew were all down in her basement. Lisa was acting wild, as usual. She had brought beer and it seemed to Andrea like she’d already had a few.

  Andrea's house had a huge finished basement with its own bathroom, which was good for parties.

  Not that this is a party! Andrea reminded herself. It's simply a casual get together.

  Or, as Drew suggested, a Blue Whale. Andrea's super strict dad had a strong impact on his daughter. The thing was, she had to stay on her dad's good side so she could use the car. Right now, her family just had one car. Well actually, it was a minivan.

  She couldn't wait until she could afford her own ride. She needed to save up enough for a decent used car, and on babysitting money alone, that wasn't easy. Especially when she kept spending every cent she earned on art supplies and cute dresses.

  Andrea was hoping to get a job at Pet Smart with Drew, but so far there were no openings. Unfortunately, unlike Lisa, Patty and Drew, Andrea hadn't received a car for graduation.

  In Andrea's mind, she envisioned her basement as having a game room, a home theater, and a fancy bar like some of those celebrity homes from that old MTV show, Cribs.

  But right now, the basement was simply a huge rectangular space with a cold slate gray tile floor, plain white walls, and can lights in the ceiling... most of which were burned out.

  Lisa had donated some extra strands of holiday lights to give the room more atmosphere. She didn't donate the lights to be nice, though. She had informed Andrea, "If this basement doesn't get some more exciting atmosphere, I just won't be able to come here anymore!"

  The basement did sport a nice big comfy couch that Andrea's parents bought at the Salvation Army at least.

  Andrea was a little embarrassed about the couch, though, since it had a big gross stain on it. However, she had cleverly placed a Pier One Imports pillow right on top of the offending stain. That way, she could pretend the yellowish green spot wasn't there. Even though everyone knew it was.

  "WOO-HOO! I FEEL DRUNK!" Lisa screeched, dancing around the tile floor in her stiletto whore shoes.

  "Lisa's wearing her super long hair extensions, I can tell!" Drew exclaimed.

  "Don't be jealous, Drew!" Lisa replied, in a singsong voice. "Maybe you should get some extensions yourself!"

  Lisa shimmied up to the support pole in the basement pretending she was at a strip club, rubbing against the pole in a lascivious manner.

  Gross, Andrea thought.

  Andrea didn't understand why Lisa had to act so over-the-top sexual every single second when there weren't even any guys around. It was like she was always trying to prove something.

  Like what a whore she is, maybe? Andrea supplied, continuing the conversation in her head.

  "Drew's not the hair extension type," Andrea said, sticking up for her friend. "She's not shallow, like some people."

  "Who are you calling shallow, fairy princess?" Lisa sneered.

  Andrew knew that Lisa was only teasing. Yet the teasing carried a decidedly nasty undertone which Andrea was convinced conveyed Lisa's true feelings towards her.

  Then again, Andrea's so-called teasing wasn't exactly sweet and innocent, either.

  “Be nice to me Queen Virgin, or I’ll tell everyone what you do with pickles!” Lisa warned, followed by an evil cackle.

  Andrea felt her face burn with embarrassment. Lisa swore she would never tell anyone about the pickles! But why on earth should she trust anything Lisa says, anyway? God, she felt stupid.

  “Ew, what do you do with pickles?” Patty asked, wrinkling her wide flat nose.

  "C'mon you two!" Drew commanded, shooting Andrea a weird look. "Try to get along. This is supposed to be a party!"

  "You sound just like a mom!" Patty whined.

  “This is not a party,” Andrea reminded her friend. “It’s simply a Casual Get Together.”

  “What the hell’s the difference?” Lisa scoffed.

  "No, it's a Blue Whale!" Drew joked.

  "You two are geeks," Lisa proclaimed.

  "Are you sure your dad won't miss this beer?" Patty asked Lisa.

  Patty was sitting on the bottom of the basement stairs peering intently into her bottle of Leinenkugal, as if it held the secrets of the universe within it's amber liquid.

  "NOOO!" Lisa screamed.

  "No...you're not sure?" Patty asked.

  "No....I'm not....NOT DRUNK!" Lisa hollered.

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” Andrea mumbled.

  Then Lisa pretended she was caressing the support pole with her hands.

  “What if this was a giant dick?” Lisa asked, pressing her puffy lips against the cracked white paint on the pole.

  “Um... I wouldn’t put my mouth on that,” Andrea warned. “I don’t know if that paint is lead-free.”

  “Oh Andrea, you are just no fun!” Lisa informed her.

  “I think if that was a giant dick, you would be in giant trouble!” Drew said, sipping her beer.

  “Wait. Let me get this straight. I’m no fun because I don’t like kissing the support pole in my basement?” Andrea asked.

  Patty and Drew laughed.

  “No, I mean you’re just no fun in general!” Lisa said, rubbing her substantial butt against the pole.

  “I think Lisa’s in love with that pole,” Patty said.

  “That pole is going to claim sexual harassment,” Drew added.

  Andrea was starting to wonder if being creeped out by herself was better than putting up with Lisa’s skanky stripper show.

  Then she got an idea. She decided to indulge in yet another Mr. Sexy Jogger fantasy.

  Andrea leaned back on the Salvation Army couch, getting comfortable.

  The fantasy begins with Mr. Sexy Jogger jogging by her house. Andrea is hanging out in the front yard wearing her light yellow sundress that's really short and loose fitting.

  Whenever Andrea wears this particular dress out in public, she never fails to "flash" people...unintentionally, of course. Especially when it's windy out.

  Underneath the dress, Andrea is wearing a light yellow bra and panties made out of material that’s lighter than air....not to mention, practically see-through.

  In this particular fantasy, it just so happens to be windy out. Andrea's dress blows up a bit in the front right as Mr. Sexy Jogger is jogging by. Andrea is sure he's caught a glimpse of her flimsy pale undies and she blushes shyly, holding down the dress.

  Mr. Sexy Jogger slows his pace. Andrea takes one hand away from the task of holding down her dress and waves at him. He waves back. Then he does something he’s never done before.

  HE STOPS JOGGING!

  Andrea feels a little freaked out.

  “Perfect weather, huh?” he says, conversationally.

  Andrea is surprised. Mr. Sexy Jogger has never said anything to her before except for “hi.

  “Hell yea! Not too hot, not too cold!” she replies cheekily.

  Immediately, Andrea winces.

  That sounds so stupid! Just like something my mom would say!

  At first, Mr. Sexy Jogger seems surprised. Then he smiles, showing off his perfect white teeth.

  Andrea smiles back, showing off her own.

  Their eyes meet. Th
ere’s a killer spark.

  She feels like she's being zapped with electricity! Mr. Sexy Jogger feels it too. She can tell.

  “Want something to drink?” Andrea asks him.

  Of course Andrea's parents aren't home in this fantasy.

  After all, what idiot would have a hot steamy sexual fantasy with her parents around?