Snapdragon Way (Firefly Hollow Book 8)

by T. L. Haddix

  “You know what-ifs will drive you nuts. The sad truth is, you didn’t marry a Haley. You married the devil’s own wife. And thank God, she’s gone now. Stop thinking you have to pay for that choice for the rest of your life. Okay? Quit letting her win.”

  Noah’s words stunned him. For a couple of minutes, Eli didn’t know what to say. “She wasn’t the only one who caused hurt,” he finally managed.

  “No, she wasn’t. And neither were you. Would you make the same choices today that you made back then?”

  “Hell, no.” Eli scowled at the thought.

  “I didn’t think so.”

  “That doesn’t mean I don’t have reparation to make.” He sighed. “One of these days, we need to talk about what happened. There are still some things that need to be aired out.”

  “Okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

  Now, as he got the veggies and other fillings ready for the omelet, he shoved the thought of that discussion aside. He knew they’d have to have it soon, but not today.

  “You still planning on visiting your girlfriend?” he asked as he poured the eggs into a hot pan.

  “Summer’s not my girlfriend. And yeah. She wants me to work on a bookcase or something.”

  Eli glanced over his shoulder. “You sure she isn’t your girlfriend?”

  Noah frowned. “Of course I’m sure. She’s… we’re just friends. That’s all.”

  “Do you date? At all, I mean?”

  When his brother didn’t answer immediately, Eli looked at him. Noah was slowly turning his mug in circles with one hand, rubbing his neck with the other.

  “Noah?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  Eli split the omelet and plated it while he waited for Noah to expound on that statement. But he didn’t.

  “Want to un-complicate it for me?” he finally asked as he came around and sat at the table behind Noah.

  “No. But I will,” Noah said as he joined him. “This goes no further than you, me, and Fig, understand?”

  Eli met his gaze solemnly. “I swear. You have my word.”

  After studying him for a long minute, Noah nodded. “I don’t do physical intimacy. Ever. It’s too dangerous emotionally. Most women don’t understand that, and I’ve come to learn over the years that it’s easier to avoid any sort of romantic entanglement. I can’t do casual sex, and I can’t do… ‘formal’ sex, I guess. So I don’t do sex.”

  For the second time in as many days, Eli was speechless. He stared at Noah, who had turned his attention to his half of the omelet.

  “You’re a virgin?” he blurted.

  Noah’s cheeks flushed and he lifted his eyes to stare across the table at the wall, avoiding Eli entirely. “No. But I’ve not had sex since well before I left Italy.”

  “Is that why you and Sophie never…?”

  Ever since Sophie had confided that they’d never been intimate, a few months after Erica’s death, Eli had wondered about that. It wasn’t something he could ask Noah, though. Not until now.

  Noah’s hand tightened around his fork. “Sophie was different. I think she would have been… if she’d been real, I think she would have been different.” He moved one shoulder in a tight shrug. “But we don’t always get set on the easy path. The past is done and buried, and that’s where it should stay.”

  Eli realized at that moment just how much Erica had stolen from them all, and from his brother and Sophie in particular. And he hated himself for the role he’d played. “How can you ever forgive me for helping destroy what you had with her?”

  Noah sat back, still not looking at him. “First, what we had wasn’t real. You know that. Second, forgiveness wasn’t easy. I guess… I guess I realized after Erica died that she’d played you as much as she’d played everyone else. That you never would have gone along with what she had planned if you’d known how much it would hurt us all. In a way, I’m glad things happened the way they did. It would have been a lot harder to recover from Sophie if she and I had gone on and become closer.”

  “I wanted to hurt you. Not as much as I did, never that much,” Eli admitted ruefully when Noah shot him an incredulous glance, “but I was jealous. You were special. Everything about you was special. First grandchild, first son, you had abilities, and the older we got, the more you seemed to be able to do. Woodworking, music, book smarts, all of it. Even the damned garden. You don’t just do those things well enough, Noah. You do them exceptionally well. And I had to work my ass off to feel like I was anything more than average. I resented the hell out of you for that for a long time.”

  Noah swallowed and stared at him. “You were the normal one. The one no one had to worry about because you weren’t damaged. I always felt like Mom and Dad had to work extra hard with me, and you were the child they got to enjoy. I was the freak. You were the one they got right, the golden child. At least until you were a teenager,” he said with a sardonic grin that did nothing to disguise his pain. “Do you still feel that way?”

  Eli shook his head slowly. “I see the truth now about how heavy the burden you carry really is. I understand that there’s a hefty price that comes with your abilities. And I know I added to that burden. I’m sorry.” He knew better than to reach out to Noah, to try to make a physical bridge even so much as with a hand. “Do you still think I’m the golden child?”

  Noah shrugged and shifted in his chair, but this time, the movement wasn’t as tense as it had been. “I think they love you differently than they love me, and that’s okay because we’re different people. It doesn’t mean Mom and Dad love you any more or me any less. Their love doesn’t work like that. It isn’t an all-or-nothing game. They’d die for either of us, and they’re over-the-moon proud we’re theirs, and that’s enough. As far as actual favorites go, I think we both know which child gets that title.”

  Eli laughed, albeit somewhat soggily. “Molly?”

  “Molly.”

  “It’s hard to argue with that. She’s a good kid.” He picked up his mug. “What a fucking mess. So if you don’t mind me asking, why specifically do you avoid sex?”

  Noah rubbed his eyes. “It isn’t just sex, it’s any sort of physical intimacy. Or emotional, for that matter. Letting myself get that close to someone, it means I have to let down my guard. And I can’t hide my abilities when my guard is down. That is kind of an all-or-nothing game. That’s even assuming I could manage to find a woman Grandma Molly approves of. She’s stepped in a couple of times to stop things.”

  Eli whistled. “Dude… that’s wrong. I thought having Mom walk in on me and Erica was bad. But a ghostly grandmother… wow.”

  “It was an experience, that’s for sure, but she was trying to protect me. And Mom walked in on you? When was this?” Noah asked.

  Feeling his cheeks heat, Eli drained the rest of the coffee in his mug. “The summer I was seventeen. We were asleep, so at least there was that blessing, thank God, but it was awful. I said some things to Mom and Dad… I don’t see how Dad managed not to kill me.” He told Noah what had happened, not leaving anything out. “Then a few months later, Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve always wondered if the stress of having to deal with me caused it.”

  “No. It was nothing more than sheer bad luck. That and apparently a genetic predisposition to cancer. Remember, Grandma Molly had lung cancer. She died when she was forty-eight. Mom was forty-two when she was diagnosed. All three of us will need to keep that in mind in the coming years.”

  The matter-of-fact statement went a long way toward easing Eli’s mind. He knew Noah well enough to realize that his brother wouldn’t pull his punches if he thought Eli held some responsibility, if for no other reason than to prevent their mother from becoming ill again.

  The omelet had congealed on the plate in a cold, nasty mess. Eli picked at it with his fork.
“I wasn’t ready to get into this today, but I’m glad we did.”

  “Sunshine is the best disinfectant, you know. And I’m glad, too.” Noah finished off his coffee. “What time are you leaving?”

  Eli glanced at his watch. “Shit. I need to go now.” It was after eight thirty, and if he wasn’t careful, he’d be late picking Haley up. He stood and carried his dishes to the sink. “I didn’t mean to leave you with a mess.”

  Noah waved a hand. “It’s a five-minute cleanup. Go have a weird first date. I’ve got this.”

  “It’s not a first date and you know it. I’m still her patient.”

  “Not a conventional one, no. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a date.” Noah grinned at him. “It’ll be something to tell your grandkids.”

  Eli scowled though his lips were twitching. “Shut up. See you in a bit. Have fun today.”

  “You do the same.”

  As he headed toward Haley, he let some of the emotions of the morning that he’d fought to keep hidden from Noah wash over him. He didn’t know if his brother truly believed Sophie had been in on Erica’s machinations or not, but Eli knew she hadn’t been. He knew because it was something they’d talked about over the years since the wreck, that Sophie had loved Noah with everything in her.

  Now, granted, it was the love of a fifteen-year-old, and it might not have developed into anything permanent as they grew older. But somehow Eli didn’t think that would have been the case. There was still too much pain in Sophie when she talked about Noah and vice versa.

  Knowing now that Erica, and by default Eli himself, had stolen what might well be Noah’s only chance at happiness, he didn’t know how to deal with the guilt. He had to, especially if he wanted any chance of making things right, but the realization had wounded him deeply. He could only imagine what Noah had gone through as he’d come to realize the truth. The self-doubt and loathing he had to have felt.

  Thinking about Haley, he had to swallow down a sense of shame. It didn’t seem right that he was experiencing these burgeoning feelings for her when Noah had no one. But at the same time, the very idea of pulling away from her emotionally made something inside him scream in protest. Something Noah had said came back to him, about their parents and love not being an all-or-nothing game.

  “Maybe that’s how it is with Haley and Karma and the universe. Just because I have feelings for her doesn’t mean Noah can’t find happiness.” He hoped that wasn’t the case, anyhow.

  If he got a chance when he got home that evening, maybe he’d try to call Sophie. He wouldn’t tell her anything that Noah had said, but he’d see if she could provide him with some much-needed insight. She’d become fairly philosophical about how she viewed life in order to survive the blows she’d been dealt, and he could say things to her that he wouldn’t dare discuss with anyone else.

  He wondered if someday Haley would be another person he could share himself with, only in deeper, more intimate ways. And not only sexually, though he freely admitted he was attracted to her. But in the kind of way his parents, aunts and uncles and their spouses, and grandparents seemed to have.

  “I hope so,” he whispered as he turned the vehicle onto the road that led into the hollow where she lived. “Time will tell.”

  For now, he’d be happy with spending part of the day with her, and try to focus on making the morning as stress-free as possible for her. The rest would fall into place, or not, as it was meant to be. He had to be satisfied with that, and he was determined that he would be if it killed him.

  The kitchen cleanup was as fast and easy as Noah had thought it would be, and with that done, he locked up and headed upstairs for the shower. Once the water was running over his head and shoulders, he closed his eyes and leaned into the flow. Admitting the truth about himself to Eli, remembering the things he’d said, made him sick.

  To admit to his baby brother that he had less experience than most teenagers these days, that acknowledge that he was as awkward and as much of a freak as everyone had taunted him about being in high school… His face burned painfully hot as he remembered their talk.

  What if Eli told Sophie what he’d said? Or Haley? Hell, anyone? But especially Sophie, damn it all.

  He had to let go of the uncertainty about the past. He had to start fully trusting his brother. He knew that. It was just hard.

  “I thought I was over this,” he whispered as water dropped from his eyelashes, his nose, his chin. Some of it came from the shower; some did not.

  One of the family’s biggest concerns about Noah and his abilities was that he’d snap someday like Molly Dean had. She’d ended up institutionalized for a while and then had spent the rest of her life estranged from Zanny because of her mental illness issues.

  The sad truth was that she hadn’t been able to handle her abilities. That wasn’t a bad reflection on her but the simple facts of the matter. Being able to see, talk to, communicate with the dead, it had been too heavy a load for her. With no support and no one around her who understood what she was going through, she’d folded under the weight of all of it.

  Zanny hadn’t known about Molly Dean being a medium until Noah was five years old. By then, he’d started seeing her and Moira, and the truth had been a hard reality for everyone, even in a family used to unusual abilities.

  If Noah hadn’t naturally been an introvert, if he was more outgoing and easy like Eli, he thought they probably wouldn’t worry so much. But he wasn’t. He was a shuttered, quiet soul. Oh, he opened up to some people. He had wonderful relationships with most everyone in his immediate family and good ones with those he wasn’t close to. He even had a couple of people he considered true friends.

  However, as far as his interactions pertained to outsiders? His distrust of them was almost a built-in thing. Had been from the get-go. That was a large part of why Sarah called him her “Little Owen.”

  As much as he wanted to reassure the family that he wasn’t going to end up like Molly Dean, he was the one person who couldn’t offer them that assurance. There was a lot of truth to that old joke about people who were truly crazy but didn’t believe it, and those who thought they were crazy but weren’t.

  He felt solid mentally, but what did he know? He thought any danger there was of him snapping had more to do with him become a true recluse than anything. So many times over the years, he’d felt like people weren’t worth the effort it took anymore, and he’d walked away from potential relationships because he couldn’t find the energy to care. Luckily, he was able to be content with his own company.

  Maybe that’s why losing Sophie had hurt so much, still bothered him though he shied away from the idea that her betrayal still hurt. She’d understood him. She’d never treated him like he was a freak, had, in fact, acted like she found him fascinating and funny and wonderful. Normal. And being with her didn’t exhaust him like being with other people did. That, he knew now, was part of being an introvert.

  Being with her had been like balm on a wound. Feeling the sun on your face after months of gray winter skies. And then she’d been gone.

  When he’d tried to recapture that magic with other women, he’d fallen flat. He’d only been going through the motions, and it wasn’t enough. Even though the longing for physical intimacy and yes, for sex, almost overwhelmed him from time to time.

  Now, he’d let Eli into his inner circle. Exhumed old skeletons, revealed emotions and hurts that—if his brother decided to turn against him—could be used to rip the flesh from his bones for a second time. And that terrified Noah. But he knew he didn’t have a choice now. He wanted to fix things, and he knew he had to meet Eli halfway.

  He had to admit, the chances that Eli was playing a game this time were very slim. He’d watched carefully over the last few weeks, spending as much time with Eli as he could, looking for any signs at all that his brother was lying
. He’d seen none. If he had, his brother would not be residing under his roof now or anytime in the future.

  But ripping those old wounds open hurt, more than Noah had expected. It meant letting him close in ways that even though Noah had intellectually realized would happen, he hadn’t evaluated emotionally. The adjustment would hopefully be a fairly easy one. After all the progress they’d made in the last few weeks, this was the natural next step.

  It was just that taking it was harder than he’d anticipated.

  “You’re an adult,” he reminded himself as he straightened and started lathering up. “You know going in that there’s risk this time. You can handle any mistakes and heartache as an adult.”

  That didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt. But even if worse came to worst, he’d be able to handle it. He wouldn’t have to run away to another continent to deal with the pain. He’d still have his life to lead, to live. And now that he knew the stakes, he’d do everything he could to make sure the same kind of breakdown didn’t happen this time.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “It’s not a date.” Haley made a face at her reflection in the mirror on her dresser as she played with her hair, trying to decide whether to leave it down or pin it up. “You keep acting like you’re going on a date. You know better.”

  When she saw that she’d taken nearly twice as long as usual to get ready, including changing outfits three times, she cursed under her breath. Fed up with herself, she grabbed a hair clip from the dresser and pulled her tresses into a twist, then left the bedroom.

  Fred was reading on the porch when she stepped outside. He peered over the top of his glasses to inspect her. “Well. Look at you.”

  “It’s too much, isn’t it? I’m pathetic.” She started back into the house.