Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  My dad smacks me across the leg. He makes it hard and I don’t have long pants on. I have shorts on because I don’t have any pants left. He smacks me very hard at the top of my leg. My brother doesn’t cry anymore. I make him jump when I cry about my leg.

  My dad shouts at me. He swears and calls me bad names. I know I am bad. I don’t mean to be. He tells me I had better stop crying. I try to make it go away. I try to hold my breath inside and then the crying goes away. But my leg hurts very bad and my ear does too. My dad gets mad about it. He grabs my arm and then he makes me stand up. He pulls me very fast and I nearly fall over. He is going to put me in the dining room.

  “I don’t want to go in the dining room. It is cold. I am sorry. I didn’t mean it. I will play Lego. I promise.”

  I didn’t know it was there. It just comes out and I don’t know about it. The sick comes out. It gets all on the floor. I know it is bad to do that too. I didn’t mean to. I am just very bad. All inside my badness gets there. The sick keeps coming out. My dad lets go of my arm. He stands and watches me. I know he is mad. I didn’t mean to get it on the floor. I tell him I am sorry. But the sick keeps trying to get out when I talk. I cry too. It makes the sick burn inside.

  I am disgusting. That is what my dad says. I made a mess and I am disgusting. When the sick stops my dad gets my arm again. He makes me go into the kitchen. I don’t want him to pull me. It hurts my arm. Maybe he will pull it off. I wish I had a drink to make the sick taste go away. But I don’t. I feel all hot inside. My dad opens the cupboard under the sink and pulls out a bowl. He gives it to me. Then he gives me the bottle of soap stuff my mum uses when she cleans up.

  "You better get that cleaned up," my dad says. "I don’t want to see it or smell it when you are done. I will be back in ten minutes"

  I nod my head and I say I will. I tell him I am very sorry. I didn’t mean to do it.

  I make the bowl filled with hot water and bubbles. I get the cloth from under the sink. I know we don’t use the one on the sink. That is for dishes. My mum gets mad if it goes on anything else. I take the bowl into the dining room and put it on the floor. The sick smells all bad. It makes my tummy turn upside down again. I don’t mean to be sick again. I stand up very fast and run to the kitchen. I get the sick in the bin. It doesn’t go on the floor. Then my mum and dad don’t get mad about it. Lots of sick comes out.

  I wish I could go to sleep. My tummy hurts inside. I am very hot. My head wants to go to sleep about it. Maybe I can fall over. Maybe I got on a roundabout and didn’t know about it. My head feels funny inside.

  I go back in the dining room. I don’t let the smell get in my nose. I clean the floor up. I have to change the bowl. I don’t put it in the sink. I do it outside. We don’t be allowed to use the sink either. It is just for dishes.

  My dad said he would be back in ten minutes. But maybe it has been a long time and he doesn’t remember. He said he wanted to check it. I can see the clock in the lounge. It has a butterfly on it. It is my mum’s. She got it for her birthday. I watch the big hand go all the way around. My dad doesn’t come and check. I made the sick all wash away.

  Then I see my dad. He comes out of his room. Then he sits on the sofa with my brother. They put cartoons on. My dad doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t see. I am glad. I run to the bin and I get the sick out again. I am glad it is nighttime and my mum is in the bath. She takes a long time to get a bath. Then she doesn’t get mad about all the sick.

  I don’t know if I am allowed to go and sit down. I don’t ask my dad because maybe he gets mad. Maybe he will shout at me. Maybe he will smack me and tell me I am bad. I know I am bad. I stand by the place the sick came out. I wait for my dad to come and check.

  My mum finishes her bath. She doesn’t come in the dining room too. She sits on the floor by the fire. I wish I got to do that. I am all cold inside. It makes me shake very bad. I look at the clock. The big hand has gone all the way around the clock three times. Maybe it is nearly bedtime. I want to go and lie down and go to sleep. My head hurts very bad inside. The sick doesn’t come out any more. Just three times and now maybe it is all gone. I didn’t get any more on the floor. I got it all in the bin.

  My dad turns the television off. They are finished watching it. He comes into the dining room. My tummy jumps inside. Maybe he will shout at me. Maybe the floor didn’t be cleaned enough. My dad stands still. He makes the smelling face like Sheba does when she puts her nose in the air. He asks me if I am okay.

  I tell him I don’t feel very well. My tummy is poorly.

  He asks me why I didn’t tell him. "You don’t need to stand here in the dining room. You could have gone to bed if you told us you were sick," he says.

  I try to say something. But he makes the face that will get mad if I say something wrong. I don’t say any words to him. I know I am dumb because I didn’t say I was sick. I tell him I am sorry. Then I go to bed. I say goodnight. He says goodnight too.

  Twenty One

  I know I am very bad. Maybe that is why my tummy was all poorly. The sick came out lots of times. It made me scared in my tummy. Maybe I get it on the floor then I get in trouble. But I get it in the sink in my bedroom. I ask Mr. Ted if that is okay. He says yes.

  I don't get poorly again. Jason was poorly too. But he got better. We get to play out for all the summer days. We play at the front. Then my brother can play too. We play lots of ball games. The summertime goes away very fast. Then we all have to go to school again. But we play lots of times at the nighttime after school. Even when it is a very cold day, we play.

  I see the nice doctor drive near our house. He drived his car onto our street. But then he turned around again and went away. I tell my mum about it when I go in. She asks lots of questions. But we have to keep it a secret. Then my dad doesn’t know about it. I tell her. My mum calls him Batman because he has a fast car. Then it is a secret code. She asks me if I am sure. I nod my head very big. I tell her the numbers off the front of the car.

  She folds her arms and has a big smile. “Yes, that is his car,” she says. “I bet he's spying on me. He doesn’t like me being with anyone else. He is very possessive.”

  I am glad my mum gets happy about it. She tells me to play out lots of times. I do. I play out for lots of days. Sometimes he doesn’t come. But my mum asks and when I say no it makes her sad inside. So I tell her he did. I tell her he drived passed. Sometimes he stops and looks down the road. My mum always asks me lots of things about it. I ask Mr. Ted and he tells me it is very good. We have to make mum happy. Then she doesn’t get mad at us. Sometimes Andrew sees the nice doctor Batman come. He tells me about it. Then I tell my mum. I don't tell her Andrew saw him. She doesn’t know Andrew. He is a secret.

  Lots of days go past. I don’t get a birthday again. I don't ever get them. No one got to know about it. It went away. I am ten. No one said happy birthday about it. I try to be good all the time. But maybe I am just very bad. I try to tell my mum lots of times about the nice doctor. But it doesn’t make me good.

  I don't be bad when my Nan comes. She is coming today. It is Friday. She always comes on Fridays. She comes after she has been to a place called Mind. They look after her there. She isn’t very well inside. It makes her sad still that my Gaga has gone to heaven. She misses him. I miss him too. I wish he didn’t die. Then he could still be here. Sometimes me and my Nan talk about him. We talk about all the funny things he did. My Nan says that when I was very little, I copied him lots of times and it made him laugh. Then he did silly things to make me do silly things.

  My Nan comes when I get back from school. She gets the bus by herself. But then later my dad takes her home. She eats her dinner at our house. And then she watches the television. I like it when my Nan is there. Then I get dinner too. We have big roast chicken. It has lots of potatoes and gravy. My dad puts some white sauce on it. I like that the best. I wish I had just that. I could eat it forever. My brother doesn’t eat the chicken though. My mum says he doesn’t lik
e it. He gets special dinner. It has chicken fingers and chips. He eats it with mayonnaise and tomato ketchup. He has cheese too. But it is funny cheese. It is floppy and comes in plastic. I don’t like it very much. I like the big yellow cheese that maybe hides the mice. That is better. I like it on toast.

  I am very hungry in my tummy. I have to wait until my dad comes home from work. He doesn’t come home until after seven. Then we get dinner. My brother gets his dinner when he comes home from school. He is very lucky. Then he doesn’t get hungry all the time. But he gets dinner every day. I don’t because I am bad. I don’t know how to be good. I get two dinners in the week. When my Nan is there and the one on Sunday. But I don’t always get the Sunday one. If I have been too bad I don’t get it.

  I didn’t get dinner last Sunday. Now it is Friday. I didn’t have dinner all week long. My tummy growls like a lion inside it. I don’t look at my brother’s dinner. It makes me want to steal it. I think about it. But then I know I get in big trouble. Maybe it makes me drool like Sheba does when she wants the food. He eats it. I go and play with Jason then I don’t have to look at it. But I am not allowed to play out a long time because it is Friday. We eat the special dinner and I can’t be late or I get in big trouble about it.

  I come in at six. Then I don’t be late. My Nan is outside talking to my mum. They talk in the garden because it is nice outside. My Nan likes the garden and all the flowers. Dinner is cooking. It smells nice in the house. Maybe I can taste it if I close my eyes. I wish I could eat it right now. But I have to wait an hour. Maybe that is a long time away. Maybe time takes too long to get there. I want to eat the dinner now. I am so hungry. Maybe it makes me go crazy. It makes my tummy rumble. I don’t do anything else. I wait for dinner. But the time doesn’t go fast enough.

  Maybe I can get some bread. Sometimes I do that when I don’t have dinner. I sneak it in the kitchen when my mum and dad doesn’t look. They don’t know about it. Then I pinch the bread and I make it in a ball and put it in my pocket. Then I go away and eat it and no one knows about it. It makes my tummy stop hurting.

  It is just one piece of bread. It isn’t a lot. My mum keeps it all in the breadbin. I open it quickly and I take one out of the packet. I fold the bread up like paper. Then I put it all in my mouth so no one sees. There isn’t anyone around.

  My tummy is still hungry. Maybe I can have two. I don’t have two sometimes. I just get one. But I didn’t eat anything all day. I am very hungry. No one knows about it. I look through the glass. I can see all the way to the lounge. No one is there. My mum and Nan can’t see because they are on the patio. They don’t see me from there. I get another piece of bread. I fold it up again and then I put it in my mouth and squash it. I don’t take any more. Then I get too greedy and maybe I get told off.

  I go out of the kitchen and in the dining room. I don’t know my brother was there. He hides by the window. He makes me jump. I don’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t see. But he did.

  "I'm telling on you," he says. He is going to tell my dad what I did. He makes stupid na na na sound at me. It makes me mad inside. He has a toy in his hand. I take it off him. Then I pull the head off and throw it at him. Then I get to say the na na thing to him because he cries about his stupid doll.

  He tries to get the head back on. But it doesn’t want to go. He starts to cry about it. He is a big baby. He cries about everything. I tell him to go away. I don’t like him. But he doesn’t say anything.

  My Nan comes in. Lots of time goes past. Then it is time for the food. My dad comes home. He washes his hands. They are black and full of oil. He tells me to make the table. I have to get all the knives and forks and then I put them with mats at the table so we can eat. We all sit there together. I sit with my Nan. I like sitting there. She gives me the skin off her chicken because she doesn’t like it. I eat it. It is my favourite bit. I eat all my dinner until I will go pop. I don’t leave any. Then my dad says I have to take all the plates in the kitchen. I scrape all the food in the bin. I am not allowed to leave a mess. Sometimes my dad gets mad because my mum doesn’t make me wash the dishes. But she says no one does it right. The plates will get broken. It makes my dad mad about it. He says I should do it. But she tells him no.

  I go and play with Jason after. But I come home at nine. Then my dad takes my Nan home again. He takes her in the car because it is dark. I wonder why my Nan isn’t scared about the bad man. Maybe he doesn’t ever come when she is there. She doesn’t say about him.

  My dad gets chocolate from the shop when he comes back. He always buys lots of it. But I don’t get it. I am not allowed. He gives some to my brother and he gives some to my mum. My brother isn’t mad at me anymore. We sit and watch the television. He asks me if I want a sweet. I tell him thank you. I eat it very quickly. If my mum and dad see it then I get in trouble for it. So I don’t let them see.

  Then my mum and dad argue in the kitchen. They shout a lot and they swear. My mum is mad. I don’t know why. Maybe it is because I was bad. But my brother isn’t mad about it. Maybe he didn’t tell.

  My mum gets very mad. She walks very fast from the kitchen to us. I hug myself tight. Maybe she will shout at me. But she doesn’t. She goes out of the other door. She bangs it very hard. Maybe the glass will fall out. It shakes very hard. My dad chases after her. But he stops. Then he looks at me. "This is all your fault," he says. I say I am sorry. But he doesn’t want to hear it.

  My brother doesn’t like it when they shout. It makes him cry. I ask him if he wants to read a story. We can read it in my room. He doesn’t know how to read properly. But I show him. He gets good at his words. It makes him smile. We turn the television off and go upstairs. Maybe they are happy we go to bed.

  We don’t listen when they shout. I make all the words loud so my brother doesn’t hear them. He is in my bed with me. I make him lie at the side next to Mr. Ted because it makes me too scared. The bad man doesn’t get my brother.

  Then my dad shouts my name. I get scared inside my tummy.

  Twenty Two

  I promise that I don’t tell lies. I will tell the truth. Please make it all go away.

  My dad calls my name. It makes me not breathe inside. I listen. Maybe he didn't shout me. Maybe I just hear things. But he shouts it again and I know I am in big trouble. Maybe my brother told about his toy. Maybe that is why my mum and dad get mad at each other. Maybe he told about the bread too. I look at him. But he is asleep. He didn't say that he told. He always says when he told. Then he can laugh about it.

  I get out of bed. I have to do it quiet and then my brother doesn’t wake up. I don’t want him to be scared. He gets scared when my dad shouts. Then he starts to cry and then I get in big trouble. I make everything bad in the house. I press the button on the radio. Then my brother doesn’t hear the shouting. I use it when I don’t want to hear the bad man. It makes all the noises go away. But it goes off by itself when it has been an hour and then I don’t get in trouble for wasting electricity.

  My dad walks backwards from the stairs. He moves so I can get down them. My mum is there too. She stands behind him. They both stare at me. It makes me scared inside. I don’t know what I am supposed to say. Maybe I have to say sorry. But I don’t know what for. Maybe I should tell them about the bread and the toy. But I don’t want to. Maybe they don’t know about it and then I tell them and then it is big trouble.

  My dad says “Well?” and I don’t know what to say. I don’t say anything. But he says it again and he shouts it.

  I tell my dad about the toy. I tell him I am sorry. I didn't mean it. I got mad. I don’t know why I am bad all the time. It just happens and then I don’t keep it away. I don’t tell him it is because of the bread. I don’t tell him that part. Then I know he gets very mad.

  He asks me why. But I don’t know. I look at my feet. I don’t cry about it. I know I am in big trouble. I don’t know what to say about it.

  My mum asks if there is anything else. I don’t like it when she says that.
Maybe she knows. But then if I say it and she didn't know I get in trouble. I don’t like it when they ask me what I did. Then I don’t know if they know about it. Sometimes it is a secret and I tell them by accident.

  I tell my mum there isn’t anything else. It is just the toy. I am very sorry. I don’t mean to. I won’t ever do it again.

  My dad has big steps. He moves very fast and then he gets to me. He grabs my arm and makes his fingers dig in. I nearly fly when he drags me. I try not to fall over. He walks very fast. I try to tell him to stop. But he doesn’t. We get to the kitchen then he pushes me very hard. I don’t stop myself and I fall over on the floor. It hurts my side. My dad comes in the kitchen too. He is mad. He has his angry face. He doesn’t say any words. But I know it is about the bread.

  My mum tells him I stole the bread. I was bad and a thief. Thieves don’t ever get trusted. They tell lies and no one likes them. My dad asks me why. But I don’t say it. He asks me if I don’t get enough food. Do I think they don’t look after me right. But I don’t say any words. I don’t want to be in trouble. He feeds me all the time when I am good. But I am just bad all the time instead.

  He tells me that I steal the bread because I am no good. I nod my head. He is right. I know I am no good. I make it all bad. I tell him too. He says yes.

  He bends down and grabs my arm. He drags me. I don’t get time to stand up. I try to make it. But it doesn’t work. My dad is too strong and too fast. He takes me into the dining room. My mum has put the chair by the window. I have to sit on that chair when I am bad. I don’t get to move until my mum says so. Sometimes they leave me there a long time. Maybe one day they leave me there forever. My dad tells me to get my pants down. I don’t want to. I shake my head.

  He shouts it at me. “Take your pants down.” I don’t want to. It makes it hurt in my tummy. I don’t keep the crying away. I try not to cry very bad and talk. But my words don’t get out. He shouts it at me lots of times. I do as I am told. Then he tells me to kneel on the chair. I don’t want to do that. I know he is going to make it hurt. He shouts it at me in my face. It makes me shake inside. My head hurts. I cry very bad. But I get on the chair like he says.