I hug my head all tight. I don’t want him to do the hurt part. He tells me to shut up. I hug my head all tight and make the loud cries be quiet. I hear his belt. It makes my tummy hurt. Maybe I need the toilet on accident. I don’t want him to do the hurt thing. He will make it hurt very bad. But he doesn’t. He gets the belt and then it smacks across my bottom. It makes me cry very loud. But I don’t let it out. I know I will get shouted at. He does it two more times.
I don’t keep the crying or the shaking away. He tells me to sit on the chair. But it hurts very bad. He tells me I have to do it now or he will do it again. The crying makes my head feel like it wants to pop. Maybe it does. He doesn’t let me pull my pants up.
My mum and dad go away. They go into the lounge. I don’t look at them. I don’t move at all. I know I get shouted at if I do. I am very cold. I don’t keep the shivers away. It is a very long time and my legs get all funny. They get the pins and needles. Then I don’t feel them. My mouth hurts because I make it stay closed. Then my teeth don’t bash together because I am cold.
It is a long time. My dad comes into the dining room. I try to hug myself all up. Maybe he gets mad. But they are going to bed. I have to go to bed now. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I do all the bad things. He tells me to get to my room now and don’t make any sound. I get my pants up and then I try to run. But my bottom hurts from the belt. It makes me cry again. I try to sneak in my room. My brother is asleep. I try to sneak on the bed. I get inside it. I don’t let the crying be loud. I don’t want my brother to see it. I don’t sniff then it doesn’t make him wake up. I close my eyes. Maybe I can go to sleep and go away. But my brother hugs me and he holds my hand. But he doesn’t wake up.
Twenty Three
(Age Ten)
My brother is a scardy cat. He doesn’t like the dark. It makes him not sleep. He doesn’t like to go to bed all by himself. He is scared. He says there is a man. He comes in the bedroom when it is dark. He doesn’t like him. He makes my dad put a towel on the mirror. My brother says the man stands at the door and then he sees his face. It makes him all scared inside. Then he wets the bed. He wets the bed lots of times. My dad calls him names about it.
He uses swear words. My brother is fat and he wets the bed. He is smelly and a baby. That is what my dad says. But he uses bad words. I don’t get to say them. When we had Christmas time, my dad called him lots of names because he got lots of chocolate and he ate it all up. My dad says he doesn’t get any Easter eggs. No one gets any. I am too bad and my brother is too fat. But I don't care. I don't ever get them anyway.
My dad doesn’t keep the bad man way from me. But the bad man hasn’t been for a long time. I just get scared about it. My dad calls me names too because I am scared and I still sleep with Mr. Ted. Then he laughs about it.
When I get very scared sometimes, I don’t want to go in my bedroom. My brother goes to sleep in my mum and dad’s bed. My dad is there too. He reads him stories. I go in. My dad smiles at me and then he pulls the covers open and lets me climb in. He lets me lay on his arm. He hugs me tight. Then he reads the book. My brother snores very loud all the time.
My dad gets his hand in my pyjama top. He makes his hand go all over while he reads the story. It makes me fall asleep. But then he makes his hand go down and it goes to my pants. Then I get scared. Maybe he will make it hurt. He makes my pants slide down. I pretend that I am asleep. I make my eyes closed and I don’t stop him.
He puts his thing inside. And he puts his hand on me. He reads the book. I listen to all his words. I don’t cry. I let my dad do it lots of times. Sometimes he does it every night. Because I am scared of the bad man.
When it is all finished I get dressed again. I go to my bedroom. Then I write it all in my notebook. I am bad. I keep letting my dad do the hurt thing. I don’t know why I do it. I get in the bed all the time. Maybe I can go away. I ask God all the time to take me away. But he never does. I write it in my notebook too. I write lots of words and I cry. Then I fall to sleep. I promise I don’t get in my dad’s bed tomorrow. But I always do it. I don’t know why. I am just bad like they say. I wish my dad loved me like he does my brother.
My dad does the hurt thing every night. I don’t ever say no.
Sometimes I get allowed to stay up. If I have been good. Then my dad doesn’t stay upstairs. He comes back down when my brother goes to sleep. Then he puts on the television and I am allowed to watch it. If it is weekend and I have been very good.
My mum and dad watch lots of things. They have blood and people get killed in them. Sometimes I hide behind the cushion and then I don’t look. Maybe it isn’t there. I wait until the monster goes away then I get to look again. My mum laughs about it. Sometimes she tells me I can look. But when I do, the scary thing is on the television and she laughs about that too. I don’t like it when she does that. Then I get scared in my bed. I ask my mum and dad if I can sleep in their bed. They let me. But then my dad does the hurt thing too and my mum gets to see. I wish I didn't get scared all the time. Then I don’t do the bad things and no one gets to know about it.
Sometimes they put on things that have lots of sex in it. I don’t like it. The people all do it together. They have no clothes on. Sometimes they do bad things to each other and then the girls cry on it. I don’t like to watch it. It makes me cry too. But I don’t let my dad see. Then he thinks I am a baby.
My dad puts a film on. It is like Tarzan. But it isn’t like the one me and my Nan watch. Tarzan leaves Jane in the house. Then someone knocks on the door. It is lots of boys. They go in the house and they all make her do the hurt thing. She screams about it. I try not to look at it. I look at the side of the television. I ask my dad if I can go to bed. But he says I can’t. I have to stay and spend time with my mum and dad. But I don’t want to.
My dad lifts me up. He puts me on the sofa. I didn't get my pyjamas on yet. But he takes my clothes off. My mum lies by the fire. She doesn’t say anything about it. He makes me lean over the sofa. I don’t want to. But he holds my hands then I don’t get away.
He watches the television too at the same time. He does the hurt thing. He does it very hard. I try to get away. But I can’t. I try to squish into the sofa. But my dad squashes me lots more and I don’t get away. He keeps my hands and he holds them very tight.
I don’t stop the crying because it hurts too bad inside. He tells me to shush. I tell him it hurts very bad. But then he just does it more. It makes my cries get louder, but he tells me it is okay.
When my dad lets go. I ask him if I can go to the bathroom. I pick my clothes up. I hug them all tight. I feel all the sick in my tummy. It hurts very bad. I don’t walk very good. There is blood on my legs. I try to get to the bathroom fast. Then it doesn’t get on the floor and my mum doesn’t shout.
I lock the door. I make it all cleaned up again. It hurts very bad. I put my clothes on. Then the blood gets in my pants. It makes me scared. Maybe something bad will happen. I don’t like it when there is blood there. But I don’t ask my mum and dad about it.
I go to my room. It is very hard to get up the stairs. I get scared inside because my brother is there. He sits at the top of the stairs. I don’t say anything to him. I don’t want him to get in trouble. He gets my bedroom door open and my light on. I try to sit on my bed. But it hurts very bad.
I don’t say anything when my brother gets my pyjamas. He helps me to get them on. Then he makes the bed open for me. I get in it and he gives me Mr. Ted. Then he gets in the bed too. I don’t let him see the crying part. I put my face in the pillow. Then I go to sleep.
Twenty Four
Me and Mr. Ted like the summer time the best. We like it when it gets to July and I get to play with all my friends every day. I have one more year at junior school. Then I leave and go to senior school. I get very scared about it. I ask Mr. Ted sometimes. He gives me lots of hugs.
It is nice and sunny all summer. I play with Jason and everyone in the back garden. We play there because the
driveway is long and we can ride the skateboards down it. I don’t have one. I want one. My brother got one because he is good. It has wings on it. He got it for his birthday. We pretend it is a plane. My brother plays too. We put him on the front and he goes very fast. Sometimes I think about making him fall off. But I know that is bad. Maybe it will make him cry. But he gets lots of things and I don’t. It makes me sad inside.
My mum and dad say he has to play with me. He is too little to go out on the road like we do. He is nearly six. I got to play out when I was six. But he doesn’t because he is just a big baby. Then we have to play. We make the back garden into a swamp. We ride all the things around the bushes and chase each other. We have a fun time. It makes me hot and sweaty.
My mum comes outside. She has a new skirt on. She got her hair all nice and she has lots of make up on. She told me that it is for the nice doctor. The one that she will get to marry. But she can’t because of his stupid wife. But she gets new clothes and new hair and then she has to go and see him. She asks me if I like it. I tell her that she looks very nice. It makes her smile. She asks me what about her legs. But I don’t know what she means.
She turns around so I can see. Her skirt is very short. Her legs are all brown. I tell her they look nice. She asks me if I can see the veins in her legs. I look at her legs. I can see them. I say yes. My mum says thank you. Then she goes back in the house. I go back to play with my friends.
I don’t know why my dad comes out. He runs out to me and I try to run backwards. But it is very hard. My friends all move out of the way. My dad hits me very hard in the face and I fall over. I tell him I am sorry. But I don’t know what I am sorry for. I didn't mean to do anything bad.
My dad asks me why I said mean things to my mum. But I didn't. I said nice things to her. “She is crying because of what you said about her legs,” he says. “It’s taken me hours to convince her she looks nice and then you tell her she doesn’t.”
I didn't mean to. I said she looked nice. I said it was all nice. I don’t tell my dad. He is mad about it. My dad grabs my arm. Then he drags me inside. I tell him I am sorry. I didn't mean to make her upset. But he tells me it is too late. He makes me get in the house. Then I have to sit on the chair in the dining room. I tell my dad I don’t mean it. But he tells me to shut up. I can stay there for a long time. My brother gets to play with all my friends. I am not allowed to move. I wish my brother would go away.
My brother comes in the house lots of times. They are having a water fight. He fills his gun up. He laughs because I don’t get to play. He makes funny faces and sticks his tongue out at me. I hate him. I wish he would go away. He does it lots of times.
He is all tired from running around. He is all wet from playing all the games. He comes in to get some dry clothes. He sticks his tongue out at me. He comes very close and I stand up. I push him over very hard. I want him to go away and leave me alone.
I sit back down on the chair. My brother cries very hard. He makes it sound bad. But it isn’t. He didn't hurt himself. He makes the crying come out. But it is lies. My mum runs in. She picks him up off the floor. She hugs him very big and tells him it’s okay. She asks me what happened. I tell her nothing. But my brother tells her I pushed him over. “How dare you hit my son,” she says and then she slaps her hand across my face. She tells me she is going to tell my dad about it. I do nothing but make the day bad. I don’t say anything. I wish they would all go away. I don’t like them. I wish I could make them disappear.
My mum shouts my dad. He was in the front room with his books. She tells him he has to sort me out. “I have had enough of his behaviour,” she says. She tells him I am really bad and she is sick of it. I don’t tell them my brother was being mean. They will tell me he didn't. That he was just playing. I was mean because I pushed him over and I shouldn’t do that. I am not allowed to.
My dad asks me why I thought it was okay to push my brother. I shrug my shoulders at him and don’t say any words. He shouts at me to tell him. But I tell him I don’t know. He asks me if it is okay to bully my brother. He is smaller than me. I tell him I don’t know too. My dad asks me if I want to be sent away. I tell him I don’t. I tell him I am sorry.
I have to sit there all day long. When they eat dinner I don’t get any. My dad says I don’t act like part of the family. So then, I shouldn’t get to be part of it if I don’t want to. I don’t look at them when they eat dinner. It makes me hungry inside. It makes my tummy rumble lots of times.
I need to go to the bathroom. My mouth needs a drink too. But I don’t ask about it. It is dark now. My mum and dad have finished. My dad is in his room reading his books. My brother is playing and I don’t know where my mum is. Maybe she is upstairs or in my dad’s front room with him. Sometimes she sits in there and they talk about lots of things. I don’t have the light on in the dining room. They made all the table clean and they put everything away. Then they turned the light off and forgot I was there.
My mum comes into the dining room. I ask her if I can go to the bathroom. I need it very bad. She asks me if I deserve to use it after the way I behaved today. I tell her yes. It hurt inside. She asks me why I think I should be allowed. I tell her I have been quiet all day. I didn't do any more bad things. My mum doesn’t say anything. She goes into the kitchen.
It hurts very bad inside. I don’t be able to hold it any longer. I get up and I walk to the bathroom. I lock the door then I don’t get shouted at about it and made to come out. I use the toilet. Then I get water in my hands from the tap and I drink it. I know I don’t be allowed a drink later. I drink lots of it. My dad bangs on the bathroom door. It makes the glass rattle. Maybe he will break it if he knocks lots of times. I make my mouth dry so he didn't know I got the water.
He bangs very hard and tells me to open the door. I do. He asks me what I am doing. I tell him I needed the bathroom very bad. He asked if I was allowed to go. But my mum didn't give me an answer. My mum is behind him. She asks if it is her fault that I get up and do what I want. I shake my head. It doesn’t be. I just needed to use the toilet.
My mum gets mad about it. She shouts at my dad. He has to sort me out. I am just bad all day. She can’t deal with it any more. My dad grabs my arm. He drags me into the lounge. Then he makes me fall on the floor. He hits me lots of times. He shouts at me for being bad. I didn't mean to be bad. I make myself in a ball. Maybe he will stop hitting me soon. But he doesn’t stop. He keeps doing it. Maybe I can fall asleep and then I don’t feel it.
My dad kneels down on the floor next to me. He puts his head down so that he can see me. I don’t want to look at his face. But he makes me. He tells me if I don’t behave things will get a lot worse. I don’t say anything. I don’t move. Maybe I can stay there forever and go away.
Twenty Five
My mum and dad don’t speak to me for a long time. I don’t speak to them too. I don’t go and play with my friends. It hurts. I have lots of marks from my dad. He hit me very bad. It hurts sometimes. I don’t do anything bad then they don’t get mad at me.
My mum is in the bath. I have to use the bathroom for bedtime. I don’t get to go in there alone. Then maybe I do bad things. I don’t like going to the toilet when my mum is in there. But she says I have to. She sits in the water. She smiles lots at me. But I don’t smile too. I feel bad inside.
My dad is in bed. He has put my brother in his own bed. He read the stories to us. I let my dad do the hurt thing again. He says I am good now. Maybe all the bad parts go away when he does the hurt part. Then he told me to go to the toilet. I knock and my mum tells me to come in.
I wish she wasn’t there. Then I can make it hurt in the mirror. But she is. She doesn’t go away. She talks to me about the nice doctor. He liked her skirt. He didn’t see the bad veins on her legs like I did. I tell her I am sorry. I didn’t mean to make her sad about it. It just came out. She didn’t have bad veins in her legs. She asks me if I promise and I nod my head big about it. I didn’t mean to make her fee
l sad. She is very pretty.
I try not to let the crying out when I tell her. But she doesn’t ask about it. She asks me if I am going to bed. I tell her yes. I tell her my dad read the books. Now I have to use the bathroom and go to bed. She tells me about the nice doctor.
He said very nice things to her. He said her skirt was nice. He liked her shoes. My mum says he was looking at her legs. It means he wants sex. That’s all men want she says. When I am big, I will just want that all the time. Men are horrible. She says bad words about the nice doctor and she swears. I tell her I don’t think he is bad like that.
My mum asks me if it is true. He doesn’t be bad? I tell her no. He doesn’t be bad. He is very nice. She asks me if I will write a story about him and his wife. Maybe I can make the wife go away. She looks like a horse my mum says. She has big teeth and a big stupid face.
"If I find you a picture, will you draw a picture and make a story?" she asks. I tell her I will. Because I have all the bad inside. I can make bad things happen. If I make the horse wife go away then she will. It comes true when I write things.
She asks me if I write lots of things. I tell her I do. She asks me what I write. I don’t tell her. I write lots of bad things about my mum and dad. I don’t mean to. But then it comes out. She asks if I write a diary. I do. But I don’t tell her about it. Me and Mr. Ted used to write in it lots of times. But now he doesn’t write any more. He doesn’t be magic now. I wish he did. Andrew still comes to play. I write about him too. But he knows I am bad. So he doesn’t be around a lot.
Goodbye Teddy Page 11
