My mum tells me diaries are bad things. Sometimes people find them and then they read them. It makes me scared inside. I don’t want anyone to read mine. Maybe they see all the bad things I say. She tells me I must never write one. She makes me promise. I tell her I will. Maybe I can throw mine away and then no one ever sees it. Maybe I can hide it and then no one knows about it.
She tells me when I write the story I have to write it about Batman doctor. That is what she calls the nice doctor. It is our secret word. He has a fast car and he drives it like Batman. So we call him that when she talks about him. I like Batman and the real doctor. Me and Andrew play games. We pretend the nice doctor is real Batman and he makes the bad people go away.
I say goodnight to my mum and then I go to my bedroom. I don’t want to go to sleep. Maybe the bad man comes because I have been bad. I don’t sleep lots of times. Mr. Ted sleeps in my bed. He sleeps at the edge then the bad man can’t come and get me. He keeps him away. When he was magic, he kept him away lots of times. Maybe he scared him so bad. That is why I don’t see him for a long time. I don’t know. He still makes me scared. I make the door closed. But I don’t be allowed to have the door closed properly. I put my teddy dog there. He makes it so the door doesn’t get opened.
I have a big box in front of the wardrobe. Then the bad man can’t hide in there. Then I have lots of things on the big box. The bad man can’t hide in there too. I make it so the bad man doesn’t hide anywhere. But maybe he comes when I don’t see and I don’t know about it. He is very good. I make myself stay awake lots of times.
I like that my mum wants me to write a story. I write lots of them at nighttime. I get my notebook and I hug in the corner of my bed. I draw the nice doctor. Then I draw a lady. But I make her have a horse head. I laugh about it. But I make the laugh quiet and then I don’t wake my dad and my brother. I write the story about how she goes away. She is a horse and she goes in lots of races. But races make her scared. Because she is mean and she wants to win all the time. Then she says it is not fair. She doesn’t go in the race and she runs away. I write the story very long. It makes me laugh when I write it. I write it very fast.
The horse lady runs away. She doesn’t like the doctor any more. Then the nice lady comes along. I don’t say that it is my mum. But it is. The nice doctor likes the nice lady. He thinks she is very special and he loves her lots. I write it. He tells her he is sorry about the horse lady. He didn’t mean to marry her.
I hear my mum come up the stairs. She opens my door. She is going to bed. She says night-night to me. I say night-night back. I don’t go to sleep though. Maybe it is very late. I put the radio on. But I make it quiet then it doesn’t make everyone wake up in the house. I don’t like when my mum and dad are in bed. I hear lots of noises downstairs. I tell Andrew it is Sheba. He gets to watch. He says it is too.
It makes me check my room. I check all the places that maybe the bad man can hide. I do it quiet and then I don’t make noise. But the bad man doesn’t be there. I check under the bed too. Maybe he fits there. I check everywhere. But maybe he sneaked in when I didn’t look. He is good at being sneaky. It makes me scared inside.
I am very tired. I write the story and make the picture. I can give it to my mum in the morning. But I am scared about my room. I run to my mum and dad’s room. I whisper my mum’s name. Then I don’t wake up my dad. I tell her I have tummy ache. She asks me where. I point to my tummy. She asks me if I want medicine. But I don’t. Medicine always makes the sick come out. She lets me get in the bed. I lie in the middle. Maybe my dad is sleeping. But it wakes him up. He gets out of bed and goes to get some medicine. He brings it back up and tells me to take it. It is the nice medicine. Not the one my mum gives me. I take it and then I go to sleep.
Twenty Six
(Age Eleven)
When the summer was all done. I went back to school. I got a new teacher. Mrs. Pilkington. She is very nice. I like to see her in the school times. When it was our first day. She told us to write stories. It made me very excited. I wrote mine very fast. I wrote all about playing with Jason and all the adventures we had. She liked it very much. She gave me a big star for it.
It is my birthday today. I am eleven. I don’t get birthdays. My mum and dad forget about them. My Nan gives me some things. But she doesn’t have lots of money. I am excited because it is my birthday. I tell Andrew about it in my head. He says happy birthday. I know my mum and dad don’t buy me things. But maybe I got good enough this time.
There is a present outside my door. It has two cards on it. My mum put it there when I am asleep. It is very early. I don’t sleep when it is my birthday. It makes my tummy hurt and I stay awake. I try to wish very hard that my mum and dad be happy and then they give me something. They give my brother lots of things on his birthday. He gets all the big presents. They make him smile about it. But I don’t ever get any. I ask lots of times. Like my brother. He makes them a big list. I make one too, but I don’t ever get the things on it.
It is dark in the house. I open the present from my Nan. She has got me a game. She writes me a card too. She puts the cat’s name in it and draws the paws too. She says Love Nana at the bottom. I put it in my room on the side. Then I get to see it. My brother has made me a card too. Maybe he did it at school. It has lots of things stuck to it. It says happy birthday inside it. I put it with my Nan’s card. I don’t put them downstairs like my brother does. My mum says my cards make a mess. So I keep them in my bedroom.
I wish my mum and dad wake up. They make my brother a special breakfast on his birthday. He gets mayonnaise on his bacon and the floppy cheese. He gets lots of it and he likes it very much. We all wake up very early then he gets to open his presents. I wish I got that too. But no one is awake. Even Sheba is asleep. I go downstairs and I sit on the sofa with her. I hug her very big and put my head on her. She licks my face because some of the tears fall out. I try not to let them but they do.
I have to get ready for school. It is the last day. Then we have the holidays because it is half term. I get to play with Jason and Faye and all the others in the holidays. We are going to go on an adventure. There is a place where people play golf. But it has lots of trees and things. Maybe we can sneak in there. We can make a den. Jason thinks it will be a good idea.
My dad doesn’t get up for a long time. I am late for school. I don’t get told off about it. I don’t give the papers to the office lady any more. The mean lady is gone. But I still put them in the toilet and no one knows about it. Sometimes my teacher doesn’t give them to me. It is a new teacher. She is very nice. She doesn’t get mad when I am late. She tells me to sit down.
I get my breakfast before my dad gets up. I eat it quickly. Then I get all my school things ready and I wait for him. He takes my brother to school first. He can’t be late. He gets sad when he is late. I sit in the car at the back and wait for my dad to come back. He takes a long time. I am already late. My bell goes before my brother. We don’t go to the same school. His school is a long way away.
When I get to school, my dad stops the car outside the big front part. I walk through the playground. It is empty. All the other gates are all locked up and so is the door. I have to go in the big doors. It is a long way from my classroom.
When I get to my classroom, there are lots of words on the board already. I sit at the back next to Kirsty. She says happy birthday to me.
The teacher says happy birthday too. She says it with a big smile and then she writes my name on the board and writes happy birthday. I like Mrs Pilkington very much. She is my favourite teacher. She is very nice.
She gives me a birthday card. She writes her name in it and the class. When she goes away, I try to keep the crying away. I don’t know why it is there. My eyes fill up and I try not to make them blink because the tears will fall out. My eyes go all fuzzy and I can’t see. They are all filled with water.
Mrs Pilkington comes over. She bends down then she is as big as me. She asks me what is wrong.
I tell her nothing is wrong. She says that she can see I am crying. But I don’t be. The tears don’t come out of my eyes. She holds my hand. And then it makes the crying fall out. I tell her I have tummy ache. She asks me if I want to go home. She can call my dad and he can pick me up. But I shake my head about it. I don’t want to go home. I like being at school. I get to have fun and I get to be with my friends. No one gets mad at me.
I tell Mrs Pilkington that I am okay. She tells me to say if I want to go home. I tell her I promise. She gives me a tissue and tells me to blow my nose. Then she says happy birthday again and she goes to the board and tells us all to write the work. I try very hard at school. I like to get the A's on all my things. I don’t ever want to get B's. Then the teachers like me because I know all the work. I try my hardest all the time. I read lots of books too. I have finished all the books for my class. I have to get library ones. The ones for the class are boring. They are like baby books. I read big books like my dad. I read lots of them. I get them from the other library too.
My dad lets me go there on my bike. I get six books at a time. I read them all in the week. Then I take them back. Sometimes I read one book in a whole night. I don’t like to sleep at night time. I don’t like if the bad man sneaks up. I sleep when it is light and read when it is dark. I read lots of books like that. But I don’t let my mum and dad know I don’t sleep at nighttime. I am very good at hiding. I am very good at staying awake.
At the end of the day, Mrs Pilkington gives me a big hug. She says happy birthday to me again and tells me to have a good time. I tell her thank you.
My dad doesn’t drive me home. I have to go to his work. I can go to the library first because he has work for some more hours and I get in his way and get bored. He works in the garage. The library is next to my school. I go there and I get my books. I like the monster books the best. I read them lots of times. I put them in my school bag then I walk to my dad’s work.
It is down an alleyway. I walk down it. My dad is outside working on cars. He doesn’t say hello to me. I sit outside and I read my books while he finishes. Sometimes if I get there too early, he doesn’t be at the garage. Sometimes he is still taking my brother home and I got back faster than him.
I ask my dad if I can walk home. I know the way. I am eleven now. It makes me big. He says I can. It is not a long way away. I get to walk past my Nan’s house. She isn’t at home though. She is at the special place that makes her happy. I wish she was. I look at the house. I don’t look at the windows upstairs. I know he hides. I don’t want to see if he waves from my old bedroom. Then I know he gets my Nan and she is all by herself.
I like walking home. I get to make stories in my head. Andrew walks with me. We talk about them. But I don’t say the words outside my head. Then people know I am crazy. I don’t step on any cracks. It is bad to do that. I make the click noises when I walk though. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Maybe if I do it right then I get something nice for my birthday when I get home.
I see Jason when I walk home. He asks if I am coming out to play. I tell him I don’t know. Maybe I am not allowed. Maybe I have been good and I get something nice on my birthday. I tell him I might come out later. He says okay. He walks with me. It makes me mad inside because I was talking to Andrew and we made up stories and now I can’t because Jason is there. He doesn’t know about Andrew. I don’t tell him.
He goes away when we get to my street. He sees Simon who lives at the shop and goes to play with him. I tell them both bye and then I go to my house. I walk around the back because I am not allowed to use the front door. I don’t even get to knock on it. I have to knock on the back door because I don’t get a key. I am not allowed. I let bad people in if I have one.
My mum doesn’t have a birthday cake. She doesn’t say anything about it. My brother is on the sofa. He sits with his tray and he has his dinner. I am not allowed to eat on the sofa or watch television. But he does because he is good.
No one says happy birthday. I go to my room. I don’t be allowed to stay in my uniform. I have to get changed. I make my uniform all nice and in a neat pile. Then I put it on the side like I have to. I don’t go out. I get my books and then I sit on the floor because I am not allowed to sit on my bed. I read my books. I like them very much.
I hear my dad’s car come. He drives it down the driveway and then he parks it. He comes in and washes his hands. I crawl out of my bedroom then no one hears me. I lie on the top of the stairs and look through the secret hole. No one sees me there. I lie there for a long time. My brother’s television programmes finish.
My mum and dad eat their dinner. My brother sits at the table too. He gets pudding. He eats it and says he is all full up. Maybe if I go downstairs I can have some. Maybe because it is my birthday they let me have the cake and custard.
I go downstairs. My mum and dad look at me. They don’t say any words. I don’t ask about the pudding. Maybe they get mad. Maybe they don’t want me to be there. They have sad faces that I come down. I make everything spoilt.
I ask if I can go to the bathroom. My mum says yes. I go and then when I finish, I don’t say any words to my mum and dad. I just go to my room. I get my pyjamas on and lie on the floor and read my books. When it gets dark, my dad tells me it is time for bed. He puts my brother in bed too. In his room. I get in my own bed. Then my dad comes in. He asks if I had a good day. I tell him I did. Then he gets in my bed too. I make my eyes get closed and I let him do all the things. He doesn’t say happy birthday.
Maybe they all forgot about it. Maybe I am just too bad.
Twenty Seven
I don’t know why I cry all the time. But I do. I didn’t cry when it was the half term from my birthday. I didn’t cry when I went out to play. But I cry lots of other times.
Maybe my mum and dad will go away. They don’t like me. The words in my head say maybe my mum and dad go away when I am at school. Then I don’t know about it. I come home and the house is empty. My dad doesn’t drive me home anymore. He makes me walk. I walked once. I can walk again he says. He makes me walk to school too sometimes. But then I don’t be very late.
I don’t know why I cry. I go in my classroom. We all sit down. I sit with Kirsty and Peter. We do our work together. But my eyes get all fuzzy inside. Then I don’t blink and the tears don’t fall down. Mrs. Pilkington asks me what is wrong. I tell her I have tummy ache again. But I don’t want to go home. Sometimes I tell Mrs. Pilkington yes. Then she calls my dad and he picks me up. It makes him mad. He has to come out of work to get me because I have stupid tummy ache.
I don’t really. I make it pretend. But then my mum is there and then I know they didn’t go away. I go and read my books in my room. I draw lots of pictures too. Then I know my mum and dad don’t take all their things again. I don’t know why the thing in my brain says they are going to sneak away. It just does.
Sometimes they sneak away on the weekends. Not for a long time though. On the morning I ask if I can go and play with Jason. My mum and dad say yes. Then I go and play. We play on the beach or on the golf course. Sometimes the tide is in. We play there, but the coast guard person tells us off. But I can swim. The sea doesn’t make me go away. But we aren’t allowed over the wires. We sneak there when he is gone.
When it gets to lunchtime, Jason is hungry. He wants to go home for lunch. I say I will go home too. I don’t get lunch on the weekends. My brother gets it. He has floppy cheese with ketchup. Sometimes I pinch bites. But he doesn’t like it. Sometimes I pinch his floppy cheese from the fridge, and then my mum doesn’t know about it. But she is in the kitchen lots of times and it is very hard to steal all the food.
My mum gave me a key for the back door. I am allowed to use it. But I have to keep care of it and then I have to make sure the door is locked. We don’t want any burglars in there. I promise her I don’t.
I go to the back of the house and I make the gate shut behind me. Sometimes it is locked and I have to climb over it. It is bigger than my dad. Bu
t I can do it. I like climbing. I get down at the other side, but I don’t catch my mum’s washing line. Then she gets mad at me if I do and all her clothes get dirty. Then she has to wash them again and I get in trouble.
There isn’t anyone in the house when I go in. I shout my mum and dad. But there doesn’t be anyone there. Even Sheba doesn’t be in the house. I shout her. She doesn’t answer. It makes me scared inside. Maybe the bad man got in and he can hide. I don’t know where my mum and dad went.
I don’t stay in the house very long. I make a sandwich. But I eat it outside then it doesn’t make crumbs and my mum doesn’t get mad. Then I go back to see Jason. He waits outside for me. He asks where my mum and dad are. Their car isn’t there. I didn’t notice it was all gone. I tell him I don’t know.
We go and play. But maybe my mum and dad went away. Maybe they don’t come back. I try to play the games with Jason. But my brain keeps saying maybe my mum and dad went away for a long time. We ride on our bikes and I ride past the house lots of times. But they don’t be there. The car doesn’t come back.
It doesn’t come back when the sun goes away too. It is a long time. Maybe they died and went to heaven. Maybe they got a new house and they didn’t tell me. I don’t go inside the house. Jason has to go home. It is late. We all have to be home at nine. But my mum and dad still don’t be back.
I don’t want to go in the house by myself. Maybe the bad man can get me. It is a big house; he has lots of rooms to hide in. Maybe he got there while I was outside playing.
It gets dark outside. I know I don’t be allowed to sit outside. But I don’t want to go in the garden. Maybe the bad man hides in the garage too. And then he can come and get me. But I go through the gate. I close it behind me. It makes me very scared inside my tummy about it. My brain shows me lots of pictures. Maybe he runs to me and then he gets me and no one comes to help.
Goodbye Teddy Page 12
